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Original poster

Dad lying about having cancer?

58 replies

exne · 10/07/2023 15:00

Hi, first time poster but a longtime lurker. I’m posting to help a friend who is having a really confusing time and needs to know is she BU by doubting this?

Her dad is known for lying, and has hurt the entire family severely enough that they have all cut contact, apart from my friend, who keeps in low contact to check on his well-being as he is quite a troubled alcoholic. He has previously lied about having illnesses.

He has just announced to the family that he has Stage 2 lung cancer. He says he went for a blood test on Friday, and has just been told today.
My friend has asked him for more details, however he is not providing much. He has now added he has had “a scan” but is not giving her any further detail.

My friend does not want to run back to him instantly as he is known to lie and it could be another one of his attempts to get involved in the family again, only to hurt them again. But this is her dad, and she doesn’t want to be NC with him if he is going through this.

She would like to know if she is being unreasonable to doubt this - if you or someone you know has been through this, was the process similar to this? Thank you

OP posts:
OhComeOnFFS · 10/07/2023 15:04

These fantasists are quite common and they're usually just attention seeking. God knows we've had our share of them on here. I think if he had something serious he'd be glad to talk to her about it, show her any letters and ask her to come to an appointment with him. Knowing that he's a liar, if he's not doing any of those things I wouldn't believe a word he said.

Purpleboat · 10/07/2023 15:07

Sounds completely reasonable to have doubts given the past here. Her dad should anticipate mistrust. If he wants her support he should be willing to show her his diagnosis letter that he has, or accompany her to an appointment if she can.
It’s really sad if this is true, but your friend needs to look after herself if he has form for this. She needs to be prepare for him to be unreasonable because he has been prepared to lie and put her through so much already. Good luck to your friend.

Justmuddlingalong · 10/07/2023 15:07

She should suggest she attends any future appointments.

ComtesseDeSpair · 10/07/2023 15:08

Has he specifically asked for any help or support? I think if not, and your friend is fairly low contact anyway, then she just needs to let him know that he knows where go find her if he needs anything, and would like to see any hospital letters when he receives them so she understands exactly what’s wrong. And then step back. She neither needs to be no contact nor ramp up her attention.

Hoppinggreen · 10/07/2023 15:10

Mine lied about us health repeatedly until one day he was dying and I didn’t believe him or even care.
I didn’t go to the hospital or his funeral and have no regrets.

category12 · 10/07/2023 15:13

Seems really quick to hear back from a blood test on Friday. I wouldn't believe him without proof.

She should also consider that even if he does cancer, it doesn't change the past or reasons she went no contact, and is very unlikely to change his personality or behaviours.

Greentree1 · 10/07/2023 15:15

Ask to see the hospital letter? Not to doubt him (to him anyway) just to understand what is going on, see if he needs any help in understanding the 'jargon', etc.

cadburyegg · 10/07/2023 15:15

I used to work in a biochemistry lab. There isn't a blood test in existence that diagnoses lung cancer specifically.

Original poster
exne · 10/07/2023 15:17

category12 · 10/07/2023 15:13

Seems really quick to hear back from a blood test on Friday. I wouldn't believe him without proof.

She should also consider that even if he does cancer, it doesn't change the past or reasons she went no contact, and is very unlikely to change his personality or behaviours.

That was our thought, too. We thankfully have little experience with cancer this close to home so weren’t sure how quickly you can be diagnosed, but we thought it was a bit quick, especially considering he hadn’t even mentioned having a scan on the same day until she asked the question a few times.

OP posts:
ShirleyPhallus · 10/07/2023 15:17

Going by the threads on here it certainly is possible, people do make this stuff up (which is encouraged by people creating armies and stuff)

Reasonable to proceed with caution if he has form imo

Original poster
exne · 10/07/2023 15:18

cadburyegg · 10/07/2023 15:15

I used to work in a biochemistry lab. There isn't a blood test in existence that diagnoses lung cancer specifically.

Thank you. This is really helpful.

OP posts:
CoreyTaylorsSoggyTshirt · 10/07/2023 15:20

I currently have cancer.

It's not a quick scan and a blood test then you're diagnosed within a few days.

I can see why she is cautious about calling him a liar, but he definitely is lying.

Someone I know lied about cancer some time ago, and the lies got worse and worse to cover all the previous ones, in the end it was all outed in a really horrible
and dramatic way.

There's no way he can fake cancer for a long period of time.

Original poster
exne · 10/07/2023 15:21

Justmuddlingalong · 10/07/2023 15:07

She should suggest she attends any future appointments.

She has mentioned attending appointments/scans and has also asked to see any letters/details so she can see how she can help. He hasn’t given her anything as of yet.

He has also declined her offer of taking some time off work to support him - knowing him, I personally think that if he was being truthful about the diagnosis, he would leap at this offer.

I don’t know what outcome is preferred in this situation. Obviously, we don’t want him to have cancer, low contact or not. But if he’s lied about having cancer, I don’t know what that will mean for my friend.

OP posts:
Original poster
exne · 10/07/2023 15:22

CoreyTaylorsSoggyTshirt · 10/07/2023 15:20

I currently have cancer.

It's not a quick scan and a blood test then you're diagnosed within a few days.

I can see why she is cautious about calling him a liar, but he definitely is lying.

Someone I know lied about cancer some time ago, and the lies got worse and worse to cover all the previous ones, in the end it was all outed in a really horrible
and dramatic way.

There's no way he can fake cancer for a long period of time.

Thank you for your reply. This is really invaluable, she will really appreciate you taking the time to give this information, as do I.

OP posts:
Bromptotoo · 10/07/2023 15:28

I'd agree with PP that a blood test that pins down lung cancer and Stage 2 is not where we are now but media etc reports suggest this is a fast moving area. Lots of new developments!!

Stage 2, in the UK, is a cancer that has grown, but not spread. In order to determine growth on might expect MRI or similar scans, over time, to show that the cancer is bigger today than it was a few weeks ago.

There's stuff on websites like Cancer Research UK or Macmillan that explore how cancer is diagnosed in as much or as little detail as you want:

https://www.cancerresearchuk.org/about-cancer/tests-and-scans/blood-tests

I'd be sceptical but perhaps short of outright disbelief.

CoreyTaylorsSoggyTshirt · 10/07/2023 15:36

exne · 10/07/2023 15:21

She has mentioned attending appointments/scans and has also asked to see any letters/details so she can see how she can help. He hasn’t given her anything as of yet.

He has also declined her offer of taking some time off work to support him - knowing him, I personally think that if he was being truthful about the diagnosis, he would leap at this offer.

I don’t know what outcome is preferred in this situation. Obviously, we don’t want him to have cancer, low contact or not. But if he’s lied about having cancer, I don’t know what that will mean for my friend.

Show quote history

My experience has been lots of appointments and consultations over the phone, and tests were face to face, so there wouldn't necessarily be any letters for a while (I periodically get them when they need to send stuff to other departments now but I've probably had 3 over 3 years).

However I did get a whole bunch of leaflets and various website details when I went in to see the consultant.

I was also put on multiple medications for all the symptoms that got me to go to the doctors in the first place.

Ime (it was over covid though) it was probably 3-4 weeks to get the results of my biopsy (the scan to the biopsy took quite some time though) and even then they didn't come right out and say "stage whatever cancer" I got the details fully after my op and it got sent away.

There were scans, an MRI, repeated blood tests, surgical appointments... there was a lot and that is a cancer that isn't as serious as lung cancer, and over covid so it was as minimal as it could be.

Maybe have a Google and see what hospital he would have to go for, and the diagnostic process for his 'cancer'.

Hope your friends OK.

7eleven · 10/07/2023 15:41

A blood test and then a scan, over a weekend in an NHS hospital?! He’s lying.

purplesky18 · 10/07/2023 15:45

Oh wow is this my dad? He’s the second coming of Jesus, my dads had terminal cancer since 2001 and apparently never meant to cheat on my mum every two minutes when I was a kid. He also apparently was going blind a few years ago to which my brother responded by saying how are you reading my texts then. We have all mostly cut contact, me entirely as he hurt me the most as a child. I now simply don’t care and don’t listen to anything he says.

Original poster
exne · 10/07/2023 15:50

CoreyTaylorsSoggyTshirt · 10/07/2023 15:36

My experience has been lots of appointments and consultations over the phone, and tests were face to face, so there wouldn't necessarily be any letters for a while (I periodically get them when they need to send stuff to other departments now but I've probably had 3 over 3 years).

However I did get a whole bunch of leaflets and various website details when I went in to see the consultant.

I was also put on multiple medications for all the symptoms that got me to go to the doctors in the first place.

Ime (it was over covid though) it was probably 3-4 weeks to get the results of my biopsy (the scan to the biopsy took quite some time though) and even then they didn't come right out and say "stage whatever cancer" I got the details fully after my op and it got sent away.

There were scans, an MRI, repeated blood tests, surgical appointments... there was a lot and that is a cancer that isn't as serious as lung cancer, and over covid so it was as minimal as it could be.

Maybe have a Google and see what hospital he would have to go for, and the diagnostic process for his 'cancer'.

Hope your friends OK.

Show quote history

Thank you for this - you’ve answered all the questions my friend was about to get me to ask, so thank you. Especially for the timeframe - that’s what she was most sceptical of.

Hope you’re OK, thank you for your insights. I can’t believe someone would potentially lie about this, what an awful world we sometimes live in.

OP posts:
Original poster
exne · 10/07/2023 15:51

7eleven · 10/07/2023 15:41

A blood test and then a scan, over a weekend in an NHS hospital?! He’s lying.

That’s what we were thinking too.

OP posts:
Daleksatemyshed · 10/07/2023 16:06

Not all hospitals treat cancer, there's usually one or two in a fairly big area where all the treatment is carried out and if he's having chemotherapy they'll put in a pic line in his arm which will stay there until his treatment is finished so that's a pretty clear sign. If it's true I'm sorry but I have a nasty feeling he's bull shitting her.

anotherday11 · 10/07/2023 16:10

Not lung cancer, but the GP suspected oral cancer with my husband. He had a blood test 6 weeks ago, the results came back 2 weeks later by phone, and had a biopsy of the tongue last week - with results due back in 6 weeks time by letter. Hope that helps.

Original poster
exne · 10/07/2023 16:14

Daleksatemyshed · 10/07/2023 16:06

Not all hospitals treat cancer, there's usually one or two in a fairly big area where all the treatment is carried out and if he's having chemotherapy they'll put in a pic line in his arm which will stay there until his treatment is finished so that's a pretty clear sign. If it's true I'm sorry but I have a nasty feeling he's bull shitting her.

That’s a good point, thank you

OP posts:
Original poster
exne · 10/07/2023 16:15

anotherday11 · 10/07/2023 16:10

Not lung cancer, but the GP suspected oral cancer with my husband. He had a blood test 6 weeks ago, the results came back 2 weeks later by phone, and had a biopsy of the tongue last week - with results due back in 6 weeks time by letter. Hope that helps.

This is really helpful, thank you. I have everything crossed for you and your husband.

OP posts:
Dinosauratemydaffodils · 10/07/2023 16:15

We thankfully have little experience with cancer this close to home so weren’t sure how quickly you can be diagnosed, but we thought it was a bit quick

My dad was actually diagnosed with small cell lung cancer the day he was admitted to hospital so they can be quick to diagnose. However he was very ill by that point and to be fair, I don't have a medical degree and I'd successfully diagnosed him too when my mum phoned to tell me about his symptoms/collapse.

He was in hospital for 10 days whilst they drained an infection from the lining of his lungs. They did multiple scans of some sort because thats when we found out about the asbestos plaques in his lungs as well from his time in the military. He met his oncology consultant at this point and then had many appointments for various things (chemo, radiotherapy because lung cancer often spreads to the brain and with a charity to help him claim attendance allowance and get a blue badge). We all spent a lot of time at that hospital. Also pills, lots and lots of pills for various things. He definitely had pills to take after chemo that I seem to remember being linked somehow. I know he was terrified of toddler ds getting hold of them.

He's likely lying. I think that would be the final straw for me. However I'm probably slightly twisted by the fact that I watched someone I adored shrinking, drowning on dry land and then die of lung cancer 3 months before my 2nd child was born.