Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

To want my boyfriend of 2years who has been separated 6 years but is still married to get a divorce

65 replies

scarlet29 · 10/07/2023 08:28

I wish I wasn’t struggling with this but I really am. I love my boyfriend dearly. He is caring, calm and genuinely amazing most of the time. He is properly separated and Ex (still wife) has her own house. He basically lives with me but has 3 grown up children, 2 with significant needs who live in the family home and finances have been the reason he has not got divorced. He told me fairly soon after getting together but also said that things would change when his ex(wife)’s father passed away (he was seriously ill) as she was waiting on this to allow him to keep the family home. We have so much in common and have a lovely life together. He is amazing with my children and does so much for us and I also understand his need to protect and look after his own grown up children. However, the ex(wife’s) father passed last year and there is no sign of a divorce likely to be happening. I feel unreasonable if I try and raise the topic an am also given the silent treatment if I do. I have been quite poorly recently and had significant hospital treatment (hopefully ok) but it upsets me to think that if anything happened to either of us then she is next of kin.

OP posts:

noglow · 10/07/2023 12:26

Walk away. He should be able to talk to you about this.

JFDIYOLO · 10/07/2023 12:37

He gives the silent treatment because he has an agenda he doesn't want to go near with you.

If he dies first, she inherits as his wife. Then I would imagine their children inherit in turn. This would ensure their care, which is fair enough, especially as you are independent (good job).

If you die first, how is your will set out? Not asking for details just have you considered it?

If he inherits from you then if he goes after she gets the lot.

Make it a wills conversation. I'd personally not be including him without significant moves there.

poetryandwine · 10/07/2023 12:51

Sadly, OP, she hasn’t agreed any such thing. She’s said she will make an agreement at some indefinite time in the future, but only when it suits her. In the meantime she is controlling your BF’s life and he is letting her.

You think it is about meeting someone? Maybe she will need to have a Serious Relationship? Maybe she won’t feel the need to divorce until she wants to remarry.
You could be waiting a very long time unless you realise you deserve better

Original poster

scarlet29 · 10/07/2023 12:51

@TheModHatter he co owns the house that DC live in. He was living with them before me and goes back most days to see they are ok. Their needs are a complicated mix of almost independent but not quite. She walked out years ago and lives in a separate house she bought with money from her father’s estate before he died.
I agree that I don’t want to put any pressure on him to compromise their needs and security but she seems to have the situation over a barrel and it isn’t really possible to see an end to it now given that she doesn’t seem to be moving forward with her agreement to divorce and leave him with the house. Even with knowing he is doing the right thing for his children and him being amazing with me and mine it is incredibly hard to stop the niggling unease and feeling very down about not being able to be with someone who is a partner to me not legally a wife to someone else. I try to tell myself it is just formalities and manage to push it underneath the surface fairly well mostly but am having a bad day today.

OP posts:

WitcheryDivine · 10/07/2023 12:55

"she doesn’t seem to be moving forward with her agreement to divorce and leave him with the house"

Why are you pinning this on her? Two people need to get divorced and the one you're in a long term relationship with is seems at least as obstructive.

Has he spoken with a lawyer? What stage are they at?

Original poster

scarlet29 · 10/07/2023 13:04

@WitcheryDivine the grown up semi dependent adult children with additional needs have to live somewhere and she walked out and left them with him. They can’t just make them homeless and she is not offering to have them live with her. I don’t have room and they would hate it as social interaction is tricky for them even though I would offer. Hence why she has said “once her father passed and she was stable financially she would let him keep the house for them to live in”. She has been in a mortgage free house of her own since before he passed as somehow she managed to get money from his estate before hand and he passed last year. She has since done nothing. (I appreciate that this was a tricky time but time is moving on now) He won’t rock the boat and contact a lawyer as she might change her mind and then where would the children live.

OP posts:

Chasingsquirrels · 10/07/2023 13:13

This is down to him, not his wife.

I personally don't think it's unreasonable for you to want your partner to not be married to someone else, particularly with the timescales involved - the split hasn't just happened and needs time to deal with.

It is also not nice of him to make you feel unreasonable for raising the subject and to give you the silent treatment if you do. In fact it's a horrible thing for him to do to you, showing complete disregard for your feelings.

Is it a matter you are prepared to end your relationship over?
If not, you have to find some way of letting it go, otherwise resentment will continue to fester and affect the relationship anyway.

Original poster

scarlet29 · 10/07/2023 13:26

I know @Chasingsquirrels I don’t think I am prepared to end the relationship over this but haven’t yet figured a way to cope and let it go. Like you say it builds over time and it becomes impossible to keep it in. I very very gently said one sentence last night… something along the lines of …it makes me feel uncomfortable … and he totally shut down on me. I ended up apologising, not sleeping and still feeling awful and down today.

OP posts:

baconcrisp · 10/07/2023 13:29

This reply has been deleted

This user is a troll so we have deleted their posts and threads.

WitcheryDivine · 10/07/2023 13:29

She has since done nothing. (I appreciate that this was a tricky time but time is moving on now) He won’t rock the boat and contact a lawyer as she might change her mind and then where would the children live.

I'm not sure how expecting her to do all the legwork is keeping her sweet, isn't it possible she's just sitting around going I wonder when Keith is going to bother with this divorce he supposedly wants.

If they own the house jointly presumably he would have to either buy her out (well he is probably pretty well off if he's currently living rent free at yours) or they'd need to sell the house and buy something else suitable for two adults e.g. two bedroom flat or house. I'm presuming the house is bigger than they need as it was the family home so at least three bedrooms maybe more. Obviously the children might not like to move especially given that they're autistic but they would no doubt get their heads round it and cope.

poetryandwine · 10/07/2023 13:30

OP, regarding your last post, I doubt the Ex is going to make her own SN DC homeless. It is possible but very difficult to imagine.

It seems to me more likely that this is about your BF’s fear that she might be awarded equity in the family home if he pursues a divorce over her objections. That fear may or may not be valid, but as a reason for failing to initiate divorce proceedings it is not exactly courageous

WitcheryDivine · 10/07/2023 13:31

scarlet29 · 10/07/2023 13:26

I'm sorry this happened, it shows that you don't have a very healthy relationship dynamic between you. If anyone is over a barrel here it's you. You feel you can't discuss these crucial life matters for fear of being put in the doghouse (hard to tell from this thread alone how much that is due to his behaviour and how much is you maybe just hating any conflict), you have been made to feel responsible for these two adults who are unrelated to you continuing to be housed when other options are available, you fear losing the relationship if you so much as mention that you are unhappy.

GerbilsForever24 · 10/07/2023 13:40

Oh dear, your DP might have the best of intentions but it seems to me that you've landed yourself a big hairy cocklodger of the most traditional sort.

He's paying for "food" at yours and that's it? Completely unacceptable and demonstrates a strong sense of entitlement.

I'm also not convinced that his wife has just abandoned the DC. is it possible that she thinks he does too much for them and they could be more independent? Or perhaps she wants both of them to sign their share of the house to the DC? The reality is that whether she's got an inheritance or not, it's not unreasonable for her to want to continue to own her share of the family home and your DP is being silly if he thinks she's just going to give it to him.

I don't know why he won't go for a divorce - but the reasons he's telling you don't ring true to me. Exacerbated by the silent treatment. that's not okay.

Beaverbridge · 10/07/2023 18:40

Silent treatment for what?!. You should be able to ask him anything. Tell him to go back to the house and have a nice life!.

Wenfy · 10/07/2023 18:57

The best thing for his kids is that he doesn’t get divorced - that way there isn’t a third party who might take the family home from under them. I imagine that’s why they haven’t divorced. You need to dump and move on.

Flip

1 2 3