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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To want my boyfriend of 2years who has been separated 6 years but is still married to get a divorce

65 replies

scarlet29 · 10/07/2023 08:28

I wish I wasn’t struggling with this but I really am. I love my boyfriend dearly. He is caring, calm and genuinely amazing most of the time. He is properly separated and Ex (still wife) has her own house. He basically lives with me but has 3 grown up children, 2 with significant needs who live in the family home and finances have been the reason he has not got divorced. He told me fairly soon after getting together but also said that things would change when his ex(wife)’s father passed away (he was seriously ill) as she was waiting on this to allow him to keep the family home. We have so much in common and have a lovely life together. He is amazing with my children and does so much for us and I also understand his need to protect and look after his own grown up children. However, the ex(wife’s) father passed last year and there is no sign of a divorce likely to be happening. I feel unreasonable if I try and raise the topic an am also given the silent treatment if I do. I have been quite poorly recently and had significant hospital treatment (hopefully ok) but it upsets me to think that if anything happened to either of us then she is next of kin.

OP posts:

speluncean · 10/07/2023 09:22

She can't "let" a divorce happen. There's no fault divorce now too. If he wanted to be divorced he would be.

Allthegoodnamesarechosen · 10/07/2023 09:27

I would be fine with paying the bills and providing the house ( been there, done that) but not for someone else’s husband.

you don’t have to marry him ( regrettably probably financially unwise) but he shouldn’t be willingly married to someone else while he lives with ( and on) you,

Libraryloiterer · 10/07/2023 09:27

scarlet29 · 10/07/2023 09:15

Libraryloitreer and blade of sword I don’t feel he is being abusive. He is more introverted than I am and finds difficult conversations awkward.

Not good enough. If he wants to be in a committed, loving, adult relationship he needs to fix up and start talking.

Libraryloiterer · 10/07/2023 09:31

Libraryloiterer · 10/07/2023 09:27

Not good enough. If he wants to be in a committed, loving, adult relationship he needs to fix up and start talking.

Show quote history

Note, I'm not even saying he needs to divorce - but he absolutely does have to have a conversation with you about it.

OrbandSpectacle · 10/07/2023 09:34

scarlet29 · 10/07/2023 09:07

Ragwort he is sincere and cares for everyone. I want to live with him as I enjoy the closeness of being in a relationship (those simple things like kissing goodnight)
Lizs he contributes to food but I pay all the bills etc as he has his own to pay

So you are paying £££ to be a long term OW.

ElsieMc · 10/07/2023 09:39

My dd1 and her DH separated around five years ago. She does not want to remarry but he lives with his partner who has been seriously ill. They are still married and the squabble supposedly centres on who will pay the court fees. It is all nonsense of course. No-one can stop a divorce other than make it awkward. I spoke to him recently and he said he would divorce this year but no, he won't. Because he does not want to. We chatted as we remain on good terms and I expressed concern for his partner. It was dd's decision to split, not his which is a factor.

His silent treatment of you when you raise your valid concerns are a red flag. He does not want to discuss it with you and wants to maintain the status quo on his terms. Your needs matter. They are still man and wife and the law supports this, you have no standing in law so it is fortunate you own your home. He is not committing fully.

echt · 10/07/2023 09:41

scarlet29 · 10/07/2023 09:15

Libraryloitreer and blade of sword I don’t feel he is being abusive. He is more introverted than I am and finds difficult conversations awkward.

You don't have to feel he is being abusive: he IS.

You said he gave you the silent treatment - that's standard abusive behaviour.

steppemum · 10/07/2023 09:46

I really agree with the posters who are saying that not having an adult conversation with you about the whole situation is a massive red flag.

Transparency about the finances in your life and his should be part of a relationship.

So if it is really because he is introverted, then ask him to set a time. Plan the conversation instead of springing it on him. DP - I want to talk properly about the divorce and money/houses etc. Please can we set a time to do that. Friday eveing? perfect.

But it has to also be an adult conversation from your side. So keeping it calm and reasonable. Which doesn't mean that you can't say - you not being divorced makes me feel.....

poetryandwine · 10/07/2023 09:53

He doesn’t need his wife’s permission to divorce. The problem is that if she doesn’t want a divorce she could, as I understand it, hold out for 50% of the value of the family home. Is your BF worried that she will do this, OP?

However given that the family home has been turned over to adult DC with special needs, why does it even matter who owns the family home? The most important thing is that arrangements should be put in place for the long term security of these DC

I just realised your BF may want a property for his own security, in case the two of you break up. That is reasonable, but tricky. Just because his ex has come into an inheritance doesn’t necessarily mean a judge will split the joint assets differently from usual. If the DC aren’t going to suffer, I’m afraid that’s just something for him to suck up.

MammaTo · 10/07/2023 09:59

Please bare in mind if he lives with you/live together when the divorce proceedings start she has a right to know what you earn and have in savings as it’s seen as subsidising your partners life. You’d legally have to hand this info over.

Bluetrews25 · 10/07/2023 10:03

Will he not have a right to 50% of ExW house and inheritance as it was obtained while still married? That was an own-goal on her part if so!

TakeMe2Insanity · 10/07/2023 10:04

speluncean · 10/07/2023 09:22

She can't "let" a divorce happen. There's no fault divorce now too. If he wanted to be divorced he would be.

This.

If either of them needed to be divorced from the other then it would happen quickly. It sounds like there is no need. Sorry.

unsync · 10/07/2023 10:30

So the issue is the financial settlement aspect of divorce?

Perhaps it needs to be approached from a legal standpoint regarding his adult children and their needs. It sounds like they need continuing support due to health issues. Could he and his wife put the FMH into a trust for the children? Something along those lines which puts the family assets at arms length and removes immediate financial connection, but lifelong trustee obligation.

Lastusernamecantthinkofanotherone · 10/07/2023 10:33

MammaTo · 10/07/2023 09:59

Really?

when dh got divorced his ex was living with her OM but that was not considered.

he was living with his parent but that income wasn’t considered?

is this a new thing as my brother as well certainly wasn’t asked for his new partners income.

StopMindlesslyScrolling · 10/07/2023 10:40

He's a cocklodger.

He is living with you rent-free, bill-free, so costing you more in terms of utilities and council tax etc, whilst ploughing his money into his and his wife's asset of the house (& their shared DC) and you're letting it slide because you like a nighttime cuddle?

He is using you and when you challenge that he gives you the silent treatment which is a form of abuse.

This is not a healthy relationship.

Tell him to move back with his kids and that you're not prepared to be the OW any more. It'll either push him into divorcing and becoming a single man so he can potentially be a better partner in the future or he'll leave and find another sucker to sponge off of. Either way you won't be paying for him and in limbo as you are now.

GritGoes4th · 10/07/2023 11:01

So he is living with you. Rent free?

The adult dc leave in the former family home.

His wife lives in her own home.

As you are financially independent, the only immediate, material way this affects you is that you are subsidising his housing and possibly his food, bills, etc. So if you are not doing so already, I would charge him a reasonable rent.

If I were him, there would be no question of leaving my estate to the wife or to you - I would leave it to my adult children.

Just as I assume you would not leave your estate to him.

He does need to explain his thinking and his plans to you. Like an adult.

Yabu to expect him to get divorced, or to insist on it. That's his shout. Yanbu to discuss how him not being divorced affects you - materially, socially, emotionally - and to ask him to why he is still married and if he intends to remain married. You do deserve an honest and open discussion.

I also think that for your own good, you should get out of the relationship if he chooses not to divorce. Longterm that is not a good option for you, and of course the longer you are together, the more you want to combine finances and futures.

Codlingmoths · 10/07/2023 11:01

He gives you the silent treatment when you ask about it and you pay for everything for him to live there except his share of food? I would 10,000% be you can silent treatment me all you like but I’m done hosting and paying the bills for a man married to someone else. You can move out and give me the silent treatment from your own place where I don’t have to notice it. Or, you can get divorced, and send me a monthly contribution towards bills. You have until tomorrow to
decide and until the weekend to move out if that’s your call- you can move in with your kids so it’s not like you have nowhere to go.

AnneLovesGilbert · 10/07/2023 11:10

He needs to move back into the home he owns, stop taking the piss out of your good will and pathetically avoiding grown up conversations with you. You’re not really his partner are you, because he has an actual wife and he doesn’t treat you as an equal.

I think this is worse than you realise.

MammaTo · 10/07/2023 11:22

Lastusernamecantthinkofanotherone · 10/07/2023 10:33

Really?

when dh got divorced his ex was living with her OM but that was not considered.

he was living with his parent but that income wasn’t considered?

is this a new thing as my brother as well certainly wasn’t asked for his new partners income.

Show quote history

I seen a thread on it a few weeks ago and also a few tik toks for solicitors - I’m assuming the ex partner has to ask for these details to be included but I was surprised by it too.

WitcheryDivine · 10/07/2023 11:39

I can totally see why you're struggling. I would too.

Has he got a will? If not I wonder if he knows that if he dies his wife will get a huge amount of his property (info copied below from Citizen's Advice) which would presumably put her in control of what is currently his house, where the kids live. Is that what he wants? Hard to believe it is if she walked out on them all.

It is 100% not fair for him to refuse to discuss this with you, as if this has nothing to do with you. It sounds like you'd find this hard but I think you need to arrange to sit down for a proper discussion and some financial planning. That will necessitate talk of the divorce, and I'm afraid you may need to set some kind of deadline for him to start proceedings or he'll have to move out. Otherwise this could continue for decades.

Married partners or civil partners inherit under the rules of intestacy only if they are actually married or in a civil partnership at the time of death. So if you are divorced or if your civil partnership has been legally ended, you can’t inherit under the rules of intestacy.
Partners who separated informally can still inherit under the rules of intestacy.
If there are surviving children, grandchildren or great grandchildren of the person who died and the estate is valued at more than £270,000, the partner will inherit:

all the personal property and belongings of the person who has died, and
the first £270,000 of the estate, and
half of the remaining estate.

For example: Susan was in a civil partnership with Fang and they adopted a daughter called Jia. Susan died without leaving a will. Her estate is worth £450,000. After Fang inherits her share of £270,000, the estate that is left is worth £180,000. Fang can have half of this - £90,000. If there are no surviving children, grandchildren or great-grandchildren, the partner will inherit:

all the personal property and belongings of the person who has died and
the whole of the estate with interest from the date of death.

Beaverbridge · 10/07/2023 11:49

My friend was in this sort of situation. Her partner, he had his own place. Was still married to his wife, who he allegedly hated. My friend mopped up the tears when his child was small and she made it hard for him to see him. He didn't leave wife for friend just to be clear. She wasn't allowed to meet said child as wife wouldn't allow it. He went along with all this. Friend asked him if he was ever getting divorced to which he lied about constantly. She reminded him she'd get his pension etc if he died. Long story shorter, he said he was divorced but on looking up divorce records his name doesn't show. We all think he's at it.

workshy46 · 10/07/2023 11:50

God they saw you coming didn't they. He pays for some food but you pay all the bills and he pays no rent?? Hes landed on his paws. Honestly I imagine if you ask him to start contributing he will be out of there like a scaled cat looking for the next mark to fund him and his families lifestyle. Him getting divorced is the least of your worries.

Original poster

scarlet29 · 10/07/2023 11:53

@poetryandwine I think she deep down knows she left them in the lurch and has agreed to let him have the house knowing that her children live there and he has and will look after them ….but this effectively means she has a hold over him and he won’t rock the boat until this happens. I don’t really know why she hasn’t done it. Guess it’s not really in her interests and she’s made him attempting to divorce her not in his. To be clear she has no interest in him whatsoever. I think the only thing that may change the situation is if she met someone else

OP posts:

Original poster

scarlet29 · 10/07/2023 11:56

@MammaTo goodness I didn’t realise that and am not keen on that at all

OP posts:

TheModHatter · 10/07/2023 12:24

Does he co-own the house that his Dc live in with his ex / wife?

He may well be in a tricky situation if he can’t afford to buy her out of that house on behalf of his children, and I dare say he would like them to have the security of living there.

If he ‘basically’ lives with you, does he have a home if his own? Was he living with the Dc?

Hard as this is for you you do have a man who stuck by his kids and puts them first and is supporting them long term wrt their additional needs. I wouldn’t want to pressure him to do anything that undermines that priority.

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