To want my boyfriend of 2years who has been separated 6 years but is still married to get a divorce

[scarlet29]

I wish I wasn’t struggling with this but I really am. I love my boyfriend dearly. He is caring, calm and genuinely amazing most of the time. He is properly separated and Ex (still wife) has her own house. He basically lives with me but has 3 grown up children, 2 with significant needs who live in the family home and finances have been the reason he has not got divorced. He told me fairly soon after getting together but also said that things would change when his ex(wife)’s father passed away (he was seriously ill) as she was waiting on this to allow him to keep the family home. We have so much in common and have a lovely life together. He is amazing with my children and does so much for us and I also understand his need to protect and look after his own grown up children. However, the ex(wife’s) father passed last year and there is no sign of a divorce likely to be happening. I feel unreasonable if I try and raise the topic an am also given the silent treatment if I do. I have been quite poorly recently and had significant hospital treatment (hopefully ok) but it upsets me to think that if anything happened to either of us then she is next of kin.

She doesn’t need to be his next of kin - you can choose who you have so if he wanted to he could have it all set up as you.

However, he’s shown that he’s in norush to get divorced so you need to decide if you’re going to accept that or walk away

Well you have to either keep quiet and accept the reality.

Or raise it with him. And if he's not divorcing soon, accept it.

Or raise it with him and walk away if it's not happening.

You don't have the right or ability to force him to divorce. But you do have the right to say, I didn't sign up to be with a man who's not actually free/available to make a life with me. See you later. Contact me if you're ever available to pursue a serious relationship.

Because he isn't available to do that right now.

Personally op I'm curious as to your finances day to day, not withstanding the next of kin, pension or employment death benefit situation. There's all sorts of issues with essentially being with another woman's husband. (Legally, that's what it is.)

Nice arrangement for him and his ex then;she gets to keep the house and he lives with you I'm assuming rent free;there's no reason they can't get divorced given that they've separate lives and finances anyway.

He doesn't sound as committed to your relationship as you are.

Are you hoping you guys will get married one day? Have you had the conversation if it's what either/both of you want?

I am totally financially independent with my own house and a good job, pension and savings.

In response to Sharwell45

Do you live together? How enmeshed are your lives? Who owns the house you live in?

things to think about is if he dies his wife will presumably inherit everything, pensions, property, death benefits- unless he’s made a will saying different.

are you ok with that? How are you set up?

if both of you are financially independent and each leave your assets to your children then that seems reasonable. If you will be left financially in the shit if you have to sell up to pay his ex her inheritance, then get out now.

Duckinella, ex(wife) has her own seperate house purchased over a year ago and doesn’t live in the family home or need to. It is the grown up children with significant needs that live in the family home. He just wants them to be secure which I totally understand but feel that the ex could have let the divorce happen by now if she was going to.

I couldn't be with someone who wasn't able to have an adult conversation about a situation that so obviously disadvantages me. Shutting you down when you try to speak about it is extremely manipulative and cruel. You are truly at the bottom of the pile in this arrangement, get angry.

If his ex wife's father only died just last year they could still be dealing with the estate / probate prior to divorce. Sorting a divorce is probably the last thing on her mind between her father dying and supporting children with significant needs.

It's tough but it's between them, unless you're willing to put a time limit on him and walk away if he doesn't do anything I'm not sure what else you can do.

If the children have significant needs then does he actually want to get divorced?

Or is he happy to stay married so that everything goes to her because of that?

Does she work or has her career been impacted by caring for tbt children? It could be a complicated divorce in that case.

if I try and raise the topic I am also given the silent treatment that is abusive behaviour, you can google it and a sign that a relationship will not last if you cannot communicate effectively. It is a control tactic and is working. There is no reason that he shouldn't get a divorce. I would be wanting to know what his thinking was on this. I would warn him that you will be having a conversation about it and agree on a time in the next few days. In the meantime look up silent treatment as a punishment.

This

I told my (now) DH that before we lived together, the divorce process needed to be at least started. His divorce came through 2 months after he moved in.

I do think the all too typical advice seen here more than once to "walk away" if the doesn't get divorced, is totally unrealistic.
Given you are happy in most other ways, you may mention the divorce, but I doubt there will be any action until he wants to divorce.
It's not an ideal situation for you, and it does look as if you are protected financially- just one thing, if he died you may not have any status with Doctors or the hospital, unless he names you as next of kin- even then his current wife may be able to make decisions.
Good luck.

You don't have to let him live with you, he can still be your boyfriend but either live with his grown up DC or get a flat or bed sit. Just tell him that the situation is no longer working for you ... and what sort of message are you giving your DC if this man lives with you but won't make a commitment ? He sounds sincere in that he wants to care for his own DC but with the convenience of you providing a nice home (& benefits ?) to live in.

If the children live independently what are his linger term plans for the family home? If the plans is for them to remain there it should not matter if they get divorced. It sounds as if he there will always be another barrier though, and closing any discussion is not positive. Does he contribute to your household costs?

The silent treatment is abuse.

While he has a roof over his head in your house, there's little incentive for him to move things along is there?
The reason he was giving - his FIL passing away - is no longer valid, so it may be time to say 'sorry, pal, but I don't want us to live together any more while you're still married to your wife'. Not ending the relationship- just not cohabiting anything more while he's married.
You'd have to mean it, of course - set a deadline for him to find his own place. Maybe that will spur him on to start divorce proceedings. Maybe not. Only one way to find out...

Bippityboppityboo and yetmorenewbeginnings. The ex (wife) lives on her own in her own house that she somehow managed to purchase with money from her fathers estate before he even passed. She does not live with or contribute to care of the now grown up children and hasn’t for years since they were early teens. She walked out and left my boyfriend to look after them. They have varying degrees of autism so he does bits they struggle with now like shopping and bills etc.

Ragwort he is sincere and cares for everyone. I want to live with him as I enjoy the closeness of being in a relationship (those simple things like kissing goodnight)
Lizs he contributes to food but I pay all the bills etc as he has his own to pay

It's not really a proper relationship if he's refusing to divorce his wife. I'd ask him to leave.

Libraryloitreer and blade of sword I don’t feel he is being abusive. He is more introverted than I am and finds difficult conversations awkward.

there is a lot involved with caring eg dealing with services and endless paperwork. Could he just be overwhelmed with admin. Organising care for adults can turn into a fulltime job. But he needs to protect assets for his children eg if they claim benefits / can’t work any inheritance needs to go into a trust or would be lost in care fees. I’d approach it from the angle of him needing to get a will / trust sorted so his kids future is secure and the divorce being a part of that.

So he pays for his kids and you pay for him, Op, apart from food? Are you happy with that?