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AIBU?

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Original poster

Friend refused access to children

76 replies

mum2b2017 · 10/07/2023 05:25

I have lived next to my neighbour for 11 years and have a great friendship with her but am struggling to agree with her re this situation!

She has 4 children who see their dad every 2 weeks for a day. Dad chooses to have no other contact with chn outside of this day despite the oldest having phones.

Friend has complained for years that ex did not contribute financially with the exception of cms recommendation of £14 per week for all 4 which has subsequently stopped since he got a new GF with who he now shares a child with

Friend text him on friday telling him he will need to bring clothes and shoes for all chn in order to collect them. He turned up on sat empty handed causing an absolute racket on our cul de sack by repeatedly blaring his horn shouting for the children. She shouted out the window that he doesn’t contribute a penny to the upbringing of them and everything they own she has had to struggle to buy

He replied with a barrage of insults that the chn could hear that he never wanted a family with her in the first place and his new child is the only one he ever really wanted

I love my friend but i feel as though she made a bad decision

OP posts:
growgrowinggrown · 10/07/2023 05:27

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Imogensmumma · 10/07/2023 05:29

Both parents sound horrible

She needs to apply for CMS and let them decide how much he needs to pay if it’s £14 a week or less then that’s the horror of CMS

Horrible for the kids to be stuck in the middle

Passwordsarestressful · 10/07/2023 05:33

She sounds desperate and exhausted.
£14 a week for 4 kids is impossible to manage on. It doesn't touch the sides.
If he doesn't bother to speak to them from one fortnight to the next, frankly, he doesn't care about them.
CMS recommendation or not, he knows full well that he isn't doing enough for thoe children. It's financial abuse in my opinion.

Passwordsarestressful · 10/07/2023 05:34

Imogensmumma · 10/07/2023 05:29

Both parents sound horrible

She needs to apply for CMS and let them decide how much he needs to pay if it’s £14 a week or less then that’s the horror of CMS

Horrible for the kids to be stuck in the middle

Why does the mum sound horrible?

Ponderingwindow · 10/07/2023 05:35

A system that would let anyone get away with paying 14 a week for even one child is not fit for purpose.

She also isn’t wrong that he should be providing everything the children need during his parenting time. It’s a bad idea to take that stand in front of the children. Better to do it quietly, but I can see why she is fed up.

WillyLows · 10/07/2023 05:39

She might have handled that moment better but you are blaming the wrong person. The ex sounds horrible.

Fooksticks · 10/07/2023 05:40

She did the right thing although it's shit for his DC to hear what a loser he is.

Do you think she should just carry on, taking the whole burden 'to keep the peace'??

You should get over there and emotionally support your friend and stop fucking judging her.

Eve171 · 10/07/2023 05:42

Are you the children's father?

SnackyOnassis · 10/07/2023 05:50

Only one of those parents hurt their children in this incident, OP. She's trying to advocate for her children to get what they need, and he's shouting in the street that he doesn't want them. If you were one of the children, which of your parents would you think loves you?
The bad decision here was not her standing up for her children.

Baconisdelicious · 10/07/2023 05:52

Do you think she should just carry on, taking the whole burden 'to keep the peace'??

Unfortunately, yes. It’s incredibly difficult and unfair and unreasonable that one parent should put the other in this situation. But how has she helped? She now feels like shit, the kids have heard stuff they shouldn’t have and who knows what damage has been done long term. I was (still am) in a similar position with no maintenance now for over 15 years and an ex who sticks religiously to his contact schedule and pretends he’s god’s gift to parenting. It’s shit. But my kids have worked that out for themselves. I did sod all to interfere with the relationship, because it’s their relationship not mine, and they know which side their bread is buttered. They also love their dad, despite his short comings and I think that’s OK. I think that’s how it should be. There is huge conflict between my ex and I but they never knew that. They never knew he hated me way more than he ever loved them until they got into their teens and he revealed his true self in so many, many ways. They laugh at him. They think he’s an idiot and I don’t fancy his chances when it comes to care homes….but that’s all been his own doing.

Turefu · 10/07/2023 05:52

So she asked him to buy basic things for children and she’s the awful one? Wow. Poor children. They had to listen to this.

EliflurtleTripanInfinite · 10/07/2023 05:53

Passwordsarestressful · 10/07/2023 05:33

She sounds desperate and exhausted.
£14 a week for 4 kids is impossible to manage on. It doesn't touch the sides.
If he doesn't bother to speak to them from one fortnight to the next, frankly, he doesn't care about them.
CMS recommendation or not, he knows full well that he isn't doing enough for thoe children. It's financial abuse in my opinion.

This. Yes she made a mistake, it wasn't appropriate to have that conversation in front of the kids, but it sounds like she's at breaking point. You say you're friends, well it sounds like your friend is at the end of her teather, exhausted, she needs support. The person who deserves judgement is the disgusting excuse for a father these children have. As a single parent with a useless ex bringing up 4 children on her own there have likely been countless situations she's handled like this over the years. You're her friend you must surely believe she is a good person and a good mum? Give her some grace.

Original poster
mum2b2017 · 10/07/2023 05:54

Just to clarify, I don’t think she is wrong, I suppose I don’t know if the manner in which it was executed was right?!

My biggest concern is the children in earshot of the nasty things he said although that was entirely his fault not hers.

I am not excusing him at all, he has been a prick the whole time I have known her and this has been a long time coming

OP posts:
Reugny · 10/07/2023 05:54

He replied with a barrage of insults that the chn could hear that he never wanted a family with her in the first place and his new child is the only one he ever really wanted

Well least the children know their dad didn't and still doesn't want them.

Guess the older ones can just refuse to see him at all.

They have both done their children a favour with this public slanging match.

CadMan · 10/07/2023 05:55

Shouting out of the window at him, presumably not letting the children out of the house, embarrassing them in front of the neighbours?

The dad sounds financially irresponsible and reactive, the mum sounds dreadful too.

If he’s unemployed or on benefits, there’s no money to share. Yes it’s a shame but you can’t get blood from a stone.

Original poster
mum2b2017 · 10/07/2023 05:57

Fooksticks · 10/07/2023 05:40

She did the right thing although it's shit for his DC to hear what a loser he is.

Do you think she should just carry on, taking the whole burden 'to keep the peace'??

You should get over there and emotionally support your friend and stop fucking judging her.

Ive been happily supporting her emotionally and financially for 11 years and will continue to do! I never once said the burden should be on her, rather questioning the execution.

I absolutely do not believe she should be the sole responsible person for 4 children and I see the mental impact it has taken on her over the years

OP posts:
Passwordsarestressful · 10/07/2023 05:59

Thing is OP, I'm certain that this is not the first time that she will have raised this with him
So you might not think that she did it the 'right' way, but it was no doubt her best, last resort.

Eve171 · 10/07/2023 05:59

CadMan · 10/07/2023 05:55

Shouting out of the window at him, presumably not letting the children out of the house, embarrassing them in front of the neighbours?

The dad sounds financially irresponsible and reactive, the mum sounds dreadful too.

If he’s unemployed or on benefits, there’s no money to share. Yes it’s a shame but you can’t get blood from a stone.

You're right, the kids don't need to eat or be clothed then.

Passwordsarestressful · 10/07/2023 05:59

Stop giving me like this a free ride, FFS.

Passwordsarestressful · 10/07/2023 06:02

*men

Original poster
mum2b2017 · 10/07/2023 06:04

CadMan · 10/07/2023 05:55

Shouting out of the window at him, presumably not letting the children out of the house, embarrassing them in front of the neighbours?

The dad sounds financially irresponsible and reactive, the mum sounds dreadful too.

If he’s unemployed or on benefits, there’s no money to share. Yes it’s a shame but you can’t get blood from a stone.

She’s a brilliant mum actually. She has taken his shit very graciously for 16 years and hardly says a bad word about him so not to influence the children. I appreciate she is at the end of her tether

OP posts:
TheGoogleMum · 10/07/2023 06:06

The Dad is horrible, but I also don't agree with keeping kids from a parent unless the parent is dangerous/harmful to the kids.
Him saying he didn't want them probably is quite harmful though actually. He doesn't really deserve contact

Eve171 · 10/07/2023 06:07

mum2b2017 · 10/07/2023 06:04

She’s a brilliant mum actually. She has taken his shit very graciously for 16 years and hardly says a bad word about him so not to influence the children. I appreciate she is at the end of her tether

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Then why did you make this thread?! 😳

Passwordsarestressful · 10/07/2023 06:08

Eve171 · 10/07/2023 06:07

Then why did you make this thread?! 😳

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I'm wondering this too

CadMan · 10/07/2023 06:11

Eve171 · 10/07/2023 05:59

You're right, the kids don't need to eat or be clothed then.

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They are fed and clothed by their mother and perhaps benefits. If they weren’t they’d be in care.