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AIBU?

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Original poster

Friend refused access to children

76 replies

mum2b2017 · 10/07/2023 05:25

I have lived next to my neighbour for 11 years and have a great friendship with her but am struggling to agree with her re this situation!

She has 4 children who see their dad every 2 weeks for a day. Dad chooses to have no other contact with chn outside of this day despite the oldest having phones.

Friend has complained for years that ex did not contribute financially with the exception of cms recommendation of £14 per week for all 4 which has subsequently stopped since he got a new GF with who he now shares a child with

Friend text him on friday telling him he will need to bring clothes and shoes for all chn in order to collect them. He turned up on sat empty handed causing an absolute racket on our cul de sack by repeatedly blaring his horn shouting for the children. She shouted out the window that he doesn’t contribute a penny to the upbringing of them and everything they own she has had to struggle to buy

He replied with a barrage of insults that the chn could hear that he never wanted a family with her in the first place and his new child is the only one he ever really wanted

I love my friend but i feel as though she made a bad decision

OP posts:
Original poster
mum2b2017 · 10/07/2023 06:11

Eve171 · 10/07/2023 06:07

Then why did you make this thread?! 😳

Show quote history

So because i think she’s a brill mum, I can’t disagree with a choice she has made? I can’t be vocal that I think there may have been a better way of handling a situation?

OP posts:
noglow · 10/07/2023 06:12

CadMan · 10/07/2023 05:55

Shouting out of the window at him, presumably not letting the children out of the house, embarrassing them in front of the neighbours?

The dad sounds financially irresponsible and reactive, the mum sounds dreadful too.

If he’s unemployed or on benefits, there’s no money to share. Yes it’s a shame but you can’t get blood from a stone.

I agree. I appreciate it must be hard for her but that is not the way to get improvement in the situation. It's also not fair on the kids. Yes his behaviour is worse I'd say but the money and the contact should always be kept seperate.

Are the kids happy to see their dad? Does he keep them safe? If there are no concerns about the actual contact then she shouldn't play games with it.

Original poster
mum2b2017 · 10/07/2023 06:21

noglow · 10/07/2023 06:12

I agree. I appreciate it must be hard for her but that is not the way to get improvement in the situation. It's also not fair on the kids. Yes his behaviour is worse I'd say but the money and the contact should always be kept seperate.

Are the kids happy to see their dad? Does he keep them safe? If there are no concerns about the actual contact then she shouldn't play games with it.

Show quote history

Even from an outsiders view, separating the money and contact seems like a hard thing to do

Kids hate going with him, to the point where she is literally having to force them to go. He has them just to say he has had them, oldest says he pays no real attention to them and he sits upstairs playing video games whilst the children are downstairs 🙄

OP posts:
Reugny · 10/07/2023 06:23

Kids hate going with him, to the point where she is literally having to force them to go

If the older kids are 11 or older tell her to stop forcing them to see him, and she should allow those kids not to go if they don't want to.

Passwordsarestressful · 10/07/2023 06:23

So she is definitely not being unreasonable

CadMan · 10/07/2023 06:27

mum2b2017 · 10/07/2023 06:21

Even from an outsiders view, separating the money and contact seems like a hard thing to do

Kids hate going with him, to the point where she is literally having to force them to go. He has them just to say he has had them, oldest says he pays no real attention to them and he sits upstairs playing video games whilst the children are downstairs 🙄

Show quote history

Him buying four outfits from Primark wouldn’t change the fact the kids are unhappy seeing him. It’s a separate issue. They’ll probably be even more unhappy to go having seen their parents argue publicly and embarrass them.

MysteryBelle · 10/07/2023 06:29

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noglow · 10/07/2023 06:30

mum2b2017 · 10/07/2023 06:21

Even from an outsiders view, separating the money and contact seems like a hard thing to do

Kids hate going with him, to the point where she is literally having to force them to go. He has them just to say he has had them, oldest says he pays no real attention to them and he sits upstairs playing video games whilst the children are downstairs 🙄

Show quote history

Then that's a seperate issue. If the kids are old enough to say they don't want to go then she should focus on that.

I understand it seems hard but it absolutely needs to be seperated.

Mble · 10/07/2023 06:30

mum2b2017 · 10/07/2023 05:54

Just to clarify, I don’t think she is wrong, I suppose I don’t know if the manner in which it was executed was right?!

My biggest concern is the children in earshot of the nasty things he said although that was entirely his fault not hers.

I am not excusing him at all, he has been a prick the whole time I have known her and this has been a long time coming

I guess they would find out what he is like eventually. Not sure what the magic age for this is.

mum2b2017 · 10/07/2023 06:33

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Original poster
mum2b2017 · 10/07/2023 06:34

Reugny · 10/07/2023 06:23

Kids hate going with him, to the point where she is literally having to force them to go

If the older kids are 11 or older tell her to stop forcing them to see him, and she should allow those kids not to go if they don't want to.

3 are over 11, 1 is under

The 7 yr old refuses to go unless the older ones do

OP posts:
violinviolet · 10/07/2023 06:36

Nice friend you are.

Babsexxx · 10/07/2023 06:37

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MysteryBelle · 10/07/2023 06:41

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Passwordsarestressful · 10/07/2023 06:44

OP is not covering themselves in glory. Agreed.

ThePoetsWife · 10/07/2023 06:45

Why hasn't she applied via the CMS agency? The money will be taken direct from his pay.

CadMan · 10/07/2023 06:48

ThePoetsWife · 10/07/2023 06:45

Why hasn't she applied via the CMS agency? The money will be taken direct from his pay.

It says in the OP that the CMS recommendation was £14 a week. If he’s hiding money or working cash in hand that’s wrong on many levels but OP doesn’t say that. If he’s disabled or unemployed, there’s not money to give.

Willyoujustbequiet · 10/07/2023 06:49

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Pawpatrolsucks · 10/07/2023 06:50

I would have stopped access too.

Babsexxx · 10/07/2023 06:52

I dread to think how that poor mother is coping with 4 kids with the state of the inflation just even on simple things like food?! How clueless and nasty can you possibly be! And her title for the post is disgusting!

HELLO op what the hell are you playing at here?? Is this a troll maybe?! As it’s that bad….

Original poster
mum2b2017 · 10/07/2023 06:53

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That’s because I felt no need to respond to your crap as your immediate response to berate me was an indication that you had not ready anything I had said

Never once did she embarrass me
I have backed her every step of the way for over a decade

Not once have I said she was wrong BUT do I fully agree with how it played out? NO
Do I think there may have been a better way? OF COURSE
Do I think he’s been a waste of space? OF COURSE I DO

She will forever have my support and I don’t blame her for her response, I just think it could have went better especially when it was evident it was going to kick off

OP posts:
SlightlygrumpyBettyswaitress · 10/07/2023 06:53

If my kids husband was required to pay 50p per day per child and then stopped doing so, I would feel fully entitled to lose my shit tbh.
I think it's easy to judge how it others should act. I would imagine you can only keep the high ground for so long.

Original poster
mum2b2017 · 10/07/2023 06:56

CadMan · 10/07/2023 06:48

It says in the OP that the CMS recommendation was £14 a week. If he’s hiding money or working cash in hand that’s wrong on many levels but OP doesn’t say that. If he’s disabled or unemployed, there’s not money to give.

Show quote history

@ThePoetsWife Yes she has applied to CMS and was awarded £3.50 per week per child. She suspects he works cash in hand but claims job seekers hence why she gets so little

OP posts:
Caramellois · 10/07/2023 07:01

I just don't understand the idea of having to pretend to your children that your ex, their father, was a decent human being when they plainly weren't. At least those children know exactly where they stand with their dad and exactly what he is like. The current child will probably be left in his wake too once he moves on to somebody else.

Goldbar · 10/07/2023 07:01

I agree with you that she was wrong to do it this way. But she is a good person by the sounds of it, and one hasty action or losing her temper in understandable circumstances doesn't change this.

The dad doesn't sound like a good person. He sounds shit and awful.

And yes children are not 'pay per view' but contact is meant for the children's benefit, not the adults involved, and she could hardly be blamed for questioning how much benefit there is to the children from contact with a dad who behaves like that.