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AIBU?

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Original poster

Friend refused access to children

76 replies

mum2b2017 · 10/07/2023 05:25

I have lived next to my neighbour for 11 years and have a great friendship with her but am struggling to agree with her re this situation!

She has 4 children who see their dad every 2 weeks for a day. Dad chooses to have no other contact with chn outside of this day despite the oldest having phones.

Friend has complained for years that ex did not contribute financially with the exception of cms recommendation of £14 per week for all 4 which has subsequently stopped since he got a new GF with who he now shares a child with

Friend text him on friday telling him he will need to bring clothes and shoes for all chn in order to collect them. He turned up on sat empty handed causing an absolute racket on our cul de sack by repeatedly blaring his horn shouting for the children. She shouted out the window that he doesn’t contribute a penny to the upbringing of them and everything they own she has had to struggle to buy

He replied with a barrage of insults that the chn could hear that he never wanted a family with her in the first place and his new child is the only one he ever really wanted

I love my friend but i feel as though she made a bad decision

OP posts:
MysteryBelle · 10/07/2023 07:04

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Beautiful3 · 10/07/2023 07:10

Thats so bad of the ex. He only has to pay £14 per week for all 4 kids, yet stopped it? I'd be furious as well. I think she's snapped. I'd suggest that she doesn't interact with him, from now on. If he can't be bothered with paying maintenance, I can't see him paying to go to court for visitation rights. Agreed although she has a right to feel angry, she shouldn't be screaming in front of the kids.

lemoncheesecakemaker · 10/07/2023 07:16

With reference to a broken system. My ex's house is up for sale for nearly £2 million. He pays 0 for our three children as he doesn't declare income. Eldest two are older now but this has gone on for over ten years. Broken system. I fought it. Gave them all the info but if you know how to play the system then you win!

ErmWhatever · 10/07/2023 07:27

People make decisions that in hindsight, could have been handled better all the time. Like the decision you made to make this thread. See?

Baconisdelicious · 10/07/2023 07:30

If the older kids are 11 or older tell her to stop forcing them to see him, and she should allow those kids not to go if they don't want to

sometimes it is necessary to have our kids do things they don’t want to do. Seeing a parent is a big one.

Why hasn't she applied via the CMS agency? The money will be taken direct from his pay

gosh, why did she think of that?! Apply to the CMS! Confused. The CMS is a toothless tiger and can do very little if someone decides they don’t want to pay. I spent many years chasing them. I eventually gave up - and it did wonders for my mental health.

Conkersinautumn · 10/07/2023 07:34

You're blaming her (stressed and desperate) for not predicting his obnoxious vile behaviour. This is why DV victims end up dying, they're told they shouldn't 'wind up' men.

Hopefully you can keep your gossipy self out of it and someone else will be helping these kids feeling so rejected and unwanted.

clpsmum · 10/07/2023 07:35

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This
You're supposed to be supporting her through this not slagging her off behind her back on here. As if her life isn't hard enough for her. I hope she sees your true colours and gets new friends

bumblebee2235 · 10/07/2023 07:40

Oh dear.. I never agree with weaponising children.. he sounds very difficult to be the better person with though 😂 both are in the wrong.

bumblebee2235 · 10/07/2023 07:42

Conkersinautumn · 10/07/2023 07:34

You're blaming her (stressed and desperate) for not predicting his obnoxious vile behaviour. This is why DV victims end up dying, they're told they shouldn't 'wind up' men.

Hopefully you can keep your gossipy self out of it and someone else will be helping these kids feeling so rejected and unwanted.

Generally in DV, the perpetrator will poke and provoke.. then step back acting victim and go "see..see what I put up with? She's crazy" :(

aSofaNearYou · 10/07/2023 07:51

Pairing the fact that they don't want to go and he doesn't really want to have them and openly said so in front of them, I think she made the right choice actually.

The only thing I think she was wrong about was demanding he bring clothes and shoes for them, though I suppose she was saying that to try to get clothes out of him in lieu of maintenance, plus it hardly matters now.

SweetestOfTheSunflowers · 10/07/2023 07:54

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Nomorenonbinary · 10/07/2023 07:56

mum2b2017 · 10/07/2023 06:04

She’s a brilliant mum actually. She has taken his shit very graciously for 16 years and hardly says a bad word about him so not to influence the children. I appreciate she is at the end of her tether

Show quote history

Then what is this thread actually for?

Codlingmoths · 10/07/2023 07:58

The kids hate going, he doesn’t seem to like them, he pays nothing or next to… my kids wouldn’t be going anymore so while the precise situation might not have been ideal, the result is probably best for the kids.
what a waste of space that sperm donor is.

CecilyP · 10/07/2023 07:59

aSofaNearYou · 10/07/2023 07:51

Pairing the fact that they don't want to go and he doesn't really want to have them and openly said so in front of them, I think she made the right choice actually.

The only thing I think she was wrong about was demanding he bring clothes and shoes for them, though I suppose she was saying that to try to get clothes out of him in lieu of maintenance, plus it hardly matters now.

Yeah, I was wondering that. What would be the point of buying clothes that the kids, 2 of them teenagers, haven’t chosen and probably wouldn’t like and shoes they hadn’t tried on. I suppose if he’d bought them cash and brought the receipts she could change or get the money back.

Usedandhurt · 10/07/2023 08:02

It’s sad for everyone- though in my opinion he is the worst - he is financially neglectful to his kids and abusive to his ex. My friend was paid £7 per week in total for her 2 kids. £3.50 whilst he drove a lovely car, had holidays etc! - she lives in a small gossipy village and when word got out of what he was doing he was practically shunned. Those kids should be no where near their dad if he won’t contribute a penny!- shameful

bonzaitree · 10/07/2023 08:31

mum2b2017 · 10/07/2023 06:56

@ThePoetsWife Yes she has applied to CMS and was awarded £3.50 per week per child. She suspects he works cash in hand but claims job seekers hence why she gets so little

Show quote history

This is criminal.

Thehippowife · 10/07/2023 08:35

That poor woman is at the end of her rope. She sounds tired and unable to handle his shit any longer.

TheActualDevil · 10/07/2023 08:38

Aha, yeah, right, of course that happened OP, of course it happened. It very very definitely happened and I very very definitely saw that pink elephant flying by a minute ago.

Sapphire387 · 10/07/2023 08:46

Errrrr... well, her ex sounds like a shitbag. I don't think the situation is her fault.

Don't really agree with pretending to kids that a shitty absent parent is somehow not a shitty absent parent. They clearly don't want to see him and I wouldn't be forcing him. Nor would I hide the fact that he doesn't really pay towards them.

It is truly horrible that he yelled about not wanting them. How incredibly awful of HIM - not your friend's fault at all.

Sapphire387 · 10/07/2023 08:47

Forcing THEM*

Sissynova · 10/07/2023 08:50

Even with your updates I've no idea what this woman has done wrong and what was her "bad decision" other than having children with this man.
She isn't responsible for the actions of a grown man, if he is shouting in the street and beeping his horn that is on him.

Usedandhurt · 10/07/2023 09:03

With regard to clothing etc, this lady is not the first I have heard demand clothing etc in lieu of child maintenance. My friend I mentioned earlier had the added issue of the children spending overnights with their dad and him retaining the clothing she sent with them. They would literally arrive back in the clothes then went to visit in whilst jeans/tshirts/coats etc would be kept by the ex and never seen again or handed back when too small/ripped/unusable. It was noted in court that this was a form of financial abuse as she literally would have to budget to replace clothes monthly when she was already starved with cash. The Judge took a very dim view of it. I honestly could not blame anyone for making such abuse known. Your friend sounds at the end of her tether with it all.

aSofaNearYou · 10/07/2023 09:11

Usedandhurt · 10/07/2023 09:03

With regard to clothing etc, this lady is not the first I have heard demand clothing etc in lieu of child maintenance. My friend I mentioned earlier had the added issue of the children spending overnights with their dad and him retaining the clothing she sent with them. They would literally arrive back in the clothes then went to visit in whilst jeans/tshirts/coats etc would be kept by the ex and never seen again or handed back when too small/ripped/unusable. It was noted in court that this was a form of financial abuse as she literally would have to budget to replace clothes monthly when she was already starved with cash. The Judge took a very dim view of it. I honestly could not blame anyone for making such abuse known. Your friend sounds at the end of her tether with it all.

Incidentally this happens the other way around, too. We pick DSS up from school (in his uniform) and send him back on Sunday (in clothes we've bought) and rarely seem to get those clothes back.

It is very frustrating and so important for things to work harmoniously for both parents to make the effort to return clothes bought by the other household.

Grumpusaurus · 10/07/2023 09:11

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ginswinger · 10/07/2023 13:00

He contributes nothing financially and has the kids 26 days a year? You appreciate this is abuse and she and the kids are the victims. Let's perhaps take that tired old mantra of 'pay per view' off the table (it's hardly applicable as he's not paying) and view this more as a man who cares so little for his children that he would rather them be in poverty than pay a penny for them. The mother is protecting the kids at her own risk, demeaning herself by asking he just provides clothes and he can't even rise to that.

This makes me impossibly angry that even a moment of anyone's time is given over to her being a poor parent. She is an absolute rock star