That two parents working doesn’t work

[Itsmyshadow]

We have 3 DCs aged 8, 4 and 1. DH works full time. I have recently returned from mat leave doing 4 days per week. On my day off I have DC4 and DC1 at home and a large part of that is taken up with swimming lessons.

I feel like I’m failing at everything to be honest. House is a state, am not on top of my work, kids in nursery and after school club for long hours, and don’t even get me started on the amount of after school sporting activities DC1 does which don’t really fit with going to work.

DH is a great dad, does his fair share with the kids, does 50% of the school / nursery runs, and most of DC1’s after school sporting stuff (whilst I have the younger two). He could pull his weight a bit more with the housework but gets off his bottom when I huff and puff / nag, and does all of the DIY and garden. Like most women I carry the mental load, doing all the school, nursery, medical admin etc.

I feel like I need to do a real half arsed job of my work on my wfh days to keep on top of the washing / house / kid admin / kid homework (saw a thread on here the other day about that), but workload / conscience won’t let me do that, and that doesn’t solve for the fact that DC1 has football at 5:30 on a Tuesday or hockey at 6pm on a Wednesday and if I finish at 5pm and I’m in the office, those timings don’t work.

We have a cleaner and a robot vacuum, but I still can’t keep on top of all the crap all around the house (paintings from nursery, party bag loot, paper admin that needs addressing, magazines etc), and feel like the kids get given toys / grow out of clothes much faster than I can get sort through the old ones. Result is a massive mess of a playroom that I keep getting half through sorting before the kids mess it up again and there’s nowhere for everything to go.

Don’t talk to me about TOMM or similar. I’m not lacking motivation or direction. I spend hours per week washing and putting away clothes, batch cooking, sorting through piles of stuff, firefighting cleaning tasks (usually when something mouldy is discovered or someone has spilt something somewhere), but no sooner is something done it’s a complete mess again.

So those of you who work a lot of hours and have young kids. How are you managing? Do you spend hours every evening cooking and cleaning (how do you find the energy if so?), and how to you manage the demands of kids after school activities / social lives?

It’s really hard. I think that in the UK the priorities are pretty messed up and we’re expected to prioritise work over family. I’m from the UK but have lived in Germany for many years where working PT is much more the norm (esp. in the south). I think it’s quite sad in the UK that most families have to put their kids in pre- and post-school clubs so they can do the expected work hours.

It sound like you’re already very hardworking and committed, so rather than working harder you need to work smarter. What things are you doing that you really don’t need to be? E.g. Since getting a drier I don’t really iron anything anymore. Can you do a car share to sports clubs? Start saying no to things - you don’t have to help every time school/nursery wants you to make a cake or help with a trip etc. As for meal planning you can churn out the same tried and tested recipes each week / every two weeks which makes shopping and cooking easier.

Not sure if that helps, I’ll be following with interest as I have 3 DC (8, 6, 4) and feel pretty much the same!

I could have written this word for word!

It does get easier as they get older, but it is a slog. I still recall some sage advice that I received from a director level female manager whom I respect and admire - she has a high stress job, husband and 3 kids - lower your expectations. Tidy will do, fed will do. Life isn't picture perfect and not everyone can 'have it all'. Your best is all you can do.

Ease up on the after school stuff, and either private school (as suggested) or get a nanny? Or au pair?

Or show your OH this thread.

This is one of those situations where there is no wriggle room for anyone getting sick, I'll it anything happening.

We have two kids and both work FT 5 days a week. We have a nanny/housekeeper 3 days a week. We both just about keep on top with her help.

I don’t know how both parents working manage I would not be able to do it so hats off to you

I’m a sahm and it’s full time and hectic to keep on top of it all and I know I couldn’t work as well I worked before dc and couldn’t manage then and it was just me. I have autism so can’t work I think if I did I’d be so stressed and overwhelmed it would affect my parenting very negatively

DH was talking about working 4 days per week. He couldn’t take all his Pat leave at once so work allowed him to work 4 days per week for a few months. He thought he’d get loads done on that day off! The reality of it was by the time he’d spent 2 hours taking then DC3 swimming (pool is 20 minutes away, lesson time, changing etc), whilst I looked after the baby and helped me out whilst I recovered from my C section there wasn’t actually any time to get much done, plus he had to try to do his 5 days per week job in 4. He’s not talked about reducing his hours since!

I often think it would be easier for me to work full time, given of course I’m in the same situation and my 5 day per week job now just needs to be done in 4.

Feel similar. I work 4 days but I'm self employed so finish at 3.30 for school. We only have 2 kids; had at recent pregnancy scare and just wept at the idea or managing anymore.

Can't afford any extra help, private school, au pairs or anything else mentioned on this thread except a cleaner.

You're not alone. I'm just lowering my standards a bit, and reducing hours on the weeks I can be because I have that flex (tho obvs just means I earn less that month)

I found the years with one at school and one at nursery the toughest. Combining the logistics of the two was really tough.

Mine are older now, and despite the fact they are busier it's a lot easier.

A couple of things that worked for us:

Don't accept all the mental load. Just don't. We split up tasks really clearly. Swimming is mine, football is his. I do doctors, he does opticians and haircuts. He does chess and drama clubs, I do French and music lessons. You get the gist.

Both do a compressed week or go 4 days if there is any possible way to do it.

Same deal with chores as with the mental load. He does all the kids' laundry, I do the groceries and packed lunches. One person cooks, the other washes up.

Put the kids to work. 8 and 4 can put their own clothes away, for example.

When we had more office-based roles, the kids didn't get to do as many activities. That's the reality of it. My kids still don't get to do all the activities they'd like to do because it's not practical and their well-being is important, but so is ours. Does your eldest need to do so many clubs?

My DH works shifts. On days he's not in the house at all somehow everything just gets done. It's the trying to juggle between two people that causes issues I think (tho obvs it should be shared). I have no answers.

Batch cooking, a cleaner, and sharing the parenting and housework equally was how we got through it.

Can you move swimming lessons to the weekend and make it DHs thing to do with the older ones?

Mine are older now but we had 3 under 5 for a while with no family support. It was hard but DH and I both worked 4 days a week which helped. It meant 4 days a week we could cope and the other 3 we survived but it was doable. Accept you may drop some balls but all that matters is 'everyone fed, nobody dead'.

For me the first thing that stands out is that your eldest is doing activities that don't really work with work hours. It's hard but I think you need to stick to activities that are on your day off or the weekend, or are straight after school and on the premises so you can have a later pickup.

Secondly, is your DH WFH or cutting hours an option? He might find WFH easier than you do andgets less distracted by the housework. Or could either of you geta more local job, when DH no longer had a 1h each way commute it made a massive difference even though he worked longer hours he was still at home more.

Thirdly, it really does get easier as they get older. The kids become more independent and you get more sleep and so can cope better. Although with teenagers now I still have baby clothes in the attic that need sorting out, we bought a bigger house so that isn't such an urgent issue!

Your jobs sound similar to ours, and yes our salaries do allow our children nice holidays and for them to have everything material that they need. But I can’t help thinking would they actually rather I was there to pick them up from school or could volunteer for a school trip.

I like your idea about the batch cooking. Today I made a spag bol, but actually I could’ve done double quantities without much extra effort and made a chilli as well.

If only it were that easy! Not all jobs have the ability to do that!

Something has to give. You could look at dropping a day , your partner could drop a day or compress hours, you could get paid help so a nanny or look at getting a cleaner in more often or outsource laundry. I have 3 kids, work 2 days a week, my dh has compressed his hours so we don't need childcare and I find it manageable. If I worked anymore days I'd have to get a cleaner once a week. I have limieted my kids doing 2 activiyies each a week, plus swimming and arabic lessons. Maybe take a lokn at all the classes your son is doing and cut back.You're being unnecessarily hard on yourself.

*limited even.

@Itsmyshadow
Basically military time management methods

Oh and my other thing: when my eldest started school I was really reticent to ask people for help, particularly because I didn't know them that well because I was rarely at the school gate.

It can make a difference if you find ways to share lifts/offer an hour of child watching so you've got a favour you can bank layer, etc etc. DS2's early primary has been so much easier with a stronger network I can call to go 'hey, I've got a late meeting, can you pick up for me?' Or similar.

Total sympathy from me, DP works full time in a physically demanding job and I work 3 long days a week, off the rest. DC11 and DC2 and pets - I find it all a struggle too, despite 4 days ‘not working’! I do the lion’s share of housework, washing, shopping, cooking etc. and all the life admin and I feel it’s non stop to keep things in a reasonably clean and orderly manner. When I’m spending a day “off” cleaning, my toddler is like a hurricane messing it all up again! Running DC1 to/from clubs and social events around trying to fit in meal times aswell - my day doesn’t finish til 9ish and then I’m ready for bed! Life just seems so busy. I haven’t got any answers I’m afraid, except sometimes lower my own expectations and standards - house is is generally in an ok state, family fed and happy and kids won’t be kids forever x

Ditch the swimming lessons and get a good chunk of the cleaning, tidying and cooking done on your day off. Use the tv babysitter if you need to. Then swim at the weekend as a family. Be picky about your oldests activities, no point running yourself into the ground.

We have both always worked full time.

We had nannies, cleaners, au pairs, dog walkers, music lessons at home etc to make it all workable. It cost a fortune but to us it was worth it as we wanted to be able to keep working.

It’s only really the primary year that are hard - before that nursery can be full time and from secondary there is no drop off and pick up.

It’s a grinding, expensive but relatively short period to get thorough. Hang in there.

Honestlu, I don't think I need it does work but people make it work. Traditional set up - mum 100% house, dad 100% work...currently set up (best case scenario) mum 150% (work plus half family stuff), dad 150% (work plus half family stuff)....worse case scenario mum 200% (family plus family stuff) with dad 100% (work). Does it add up, no, it doesn't, thats why people massively struggle unless they essentially outsource all this stuff.

I had two children and returned to work two days a week initially. I'm not sure I could have managed with 3 children and 4 days. Can you drop a day and rethink your weekly schedule for clubs?

I think it's the three children and still very young that are making it such a killer. Most couples I know where both parents work stop at two, and the families with more than two tend to have one parent at home in the early years. You're probably in the most difficult stage right now.

I have no idea. From observing people who live like this I can only say that everybody in the house suffers due to it, the parents, the kids, everyone. Much much easier if for the first 3 years one of you is able to sacrifice work to stay home. We made sooo many sacrifices so I could do that. No professional haircuts or beauty treatments, cheap clothes, caravan holidays only, no new furniture or renovations of any sort.
it was worth it to be 100% dedicated to my children and all the memories we made in that time. I went back to work when they each got their 15 hours free nursery. Also it meant my husband could fully concentrate on his career and as a result his business now turns over triple what it would have done if he’d had to be back for school clubs, cooking the dinner etc. he was able to focus on making money for us 100%. It worked for us.