That two parents working doesn’t work

[Itsmyshadow]

We have 3 DCs aged 8, 4 and 1. DH works full time. I have recently returned from mat leave doing 4 days per week. On my day off I have DC4 and DC1 at home and a large part of that is taken up with swimming lessons.

I feel like I’m failing at everything to be honest. House is a state, am not on top of my work, kids in nursery and after school club for long hours, and don’t even get me started on the amount of after school sporting activities DC1 does which don’t really fit with going to work.

DH is a great dad, does his fair share with the kids, does 50% of the school / nursery runs, and most of DC1’s after school sporting stuff (whilst I have the younger two). He could pull his weight a bit more with the housework but gets off his bottom when I huff and puff / nag, and does all of the DIY and garden. Like most women I carry the mental load, doing all the school, nursery, medical admin etc.

I feel like I need to do a real half arsed job of my work on my wfh days to keep on top of the washing / house / kid admin / kid homework (saw a thread on here the other day about that), but workload / conscience won’t let me do that, and that doesn’t solve for the fact that DC1 has football at 5:30 on a Tuesday or hockey at 6pm on a Wednesday and if I finish at 5pm and I’m in the office, those timings don’t work.

We have a cleaner and a robot vacuum, but I still can’t keep on top of all the crap all around the house (paintings from nursery, party bag loot, paper admin that needs addressing, magazines etc), and feel like the kids get given toys / grow out of clothes much faster than I can get sort through the old ones. Result is a massive mess of a playroom that I keep getting half through sorting before the kids mess it up again and there’s nowhere for everything to go.

Don’t talk to me about TOMM or similar. I’m not lacking motivation or direction. I spend hours per week washing and putting away clothes, batch cooking, sorting through piles of stuff, firefighting cleaning tasks (usually when something mouldy is discovered or someone has spilt something somewhere), but no sooner is something done it’s a complete mess again.

So those of you who work a lot of hours and have young kids. How are you managing? Do you spend hours every evening cooking and cleaning (how do you find the energy if so?), and how to you manage the demands of kids after school activities / social lives?

Your 8 year old can’t continue to do all that sports nonsense, if only because it means your other children won’t get any chance to do anything, because you’ll be too busy running the 8 year old to the other side of the county.

in the nicest possible way, get a grip. The 8 year old is highly unlikely to be the next Meghan Rapinoe. Your DH needs to step up more and not abdicate responsibility, Your 4 year old might be less stressy if her parents are less frazzled.

I’d sack off absolutely EVERYTHING for 6 months or so to get onto an even keel, and then start adding stuff in gradually. It is fucking hard with three kids, even more so when they are tiny.

And whatever you do, dropping work should be very, very far down your list of things to try.

I have 1 child and 1 Labrador. Plus two adult kids here some of the time. I do washing , cooking , tidying , sweeping and pots every day. I do bathrooms, dusting up and downstairs , hoover and mop weekly . So that's one a day. Then there's, deep cleaning, oven, settee, table and chairs, kitchen cupboards dishwasher, microwave, windows, so usually one a week.
So the daily jobs take 60-90 min plus one weekly job is 30-60 min depending which one. And then there's the big jobs that take 30 - 60 min.

the term “afford” also applies to time.
Budget carefully and spend (schedule) only what you can afford.

Being hònest op as this is an online forum so why not. I think you are right when youd ay children would rather have parents around a bit more than expensive holidays.

I am ambitious and driven so believe me i am not saying this from a 1950s perspective

But 3 children and the life work that comes witj them needs a certain amount of time.

Between you and your DH you might find a better life balance working less. That is just a reality...the more hours you work the less you are there for your children and home.

I could have written your post and I only have the two DCs. I frequently tell myself that it just doesn't work, I don't think it's meant to, somehow women have to work too on top of everything else and it's just not feasible.

We don't have family nearby either so when we're not working we divide and conquer, one has the kids while the other does everything else that needs doing. Relentless.

I'm lucky to WFH too so I can get some small household tasks done through the week but I often feel I am failing at work as a result.

I occasionally take an extra day off in the week when DC are at school/nursery to blast through larger tasks like decluttering/paperwork. It really helps me mentally to feel like I've gotten on top of a few things, but still leave no time for R&R.

Sympathies...

Sorry if it has been mentioned. But is WFH an option? I only have 1 DS so I know a lot less going on. But the hr or so after he heads to nursery and before I start work, then during lunch and the 45mins before he is home I get loads done.

Also pressure cooker - get for speedy meals instead of always batching

Drop the hockey

Don't use your one day at home for swimming lessons

"This too shall pass"

We have 3 children and until last April were both working FT. Barely coping. I dropped to 4 days and use that day off for cleaning/tidying/life admin/shopping but also for my own mental well-being - so I'll go for a long run, for example. It has made a massive difference to my resentment towards working so much (even though I love my job!) and also we can keep on top of the housework now.

We do have after school activities but one of those evenings is mine (running) and one of them is my husband's (football) so we are also "in" on the extra curricular stuff!

Honestly something just has to give and you HAVE to make time for yourself. For me it's very important for my wellbeing and our marriage.

Happy parent = Happy kids

NOT

Loads of extra curricular stuff = happy kids/happy parents

I only have 2 DC, 8 and 5, and DH and I both work FT. I mostly work out of the house.It is busy so I do sympathise and I couldn't imagine doing it with a baby as well.

I feel like it was more manageable just after the pandemic, as there was less we could do. Since then things have gradually crept up on us and now DS8 does so many activities that it wears us really thin. On top of that we need wraparound care. Pretty much every evening there is some extra activity, and at weekends too.

When DC were younger (toddler/reception aged) it was hard work but simpler. I worked 4 days per week. They did fewer activities and associated admin, and on weekends we were free to choose what we wanted to do.

If I were you I would drop the swimming on your day off. You need some unscheduled time. and you have years ahead of you to get swimming lessons in. Your 4 year old can wait another year or two before you need to be worried about them being in swimming lessons.

I'm a nurse and work my 24 hours a week over 2 days, also a single parent. Sounds great on paper but I spend at least a day recovering from those shifts. It does however leave me with 4/5 days to sort the household stuff out. Your children are still so young, could less hours be an option for you? Sounds as though your children have a lot of after school activities, could you cut down any of those?
You sound as though your carrying a lot of mum guilt. Be kind to yourself, your doing your best x

I honestly would strongly recommend you to have a look at the TOOM method, the book or the guided cleans.

I can't live in a messy house, and I hate the narrative that having kids and a job must mean you have to live in a tip destroying your mental health and wasting energy worrying about things, and looking for lost stuff, but your routine is heavy!

Life is too short for housework.

You also need a dishwasher by the sound of it😂

My kids are 7, 5 and 2, I work full-time but over 4 days, so my working days I work 7.30-5.30, on my day "off" I go round my sisters and look after her little one (as well as my own child) so she can work, so I have full time hours, plus an extra day of childcare looking after a small baby in someone else's house. I get no time for anything basically. I have an amazing husband who does his share of everything and then some. The house comes last. We won't die if the house isn't spotless, everyone is clean, in clean clothes, fed, going to hobbies, homework done, long term a messy house is not going to have a long term impact. Does it annoy me and make me feel like I'm lacking, well yeah, does my husband care? No, I think it's a woman thing worrying about the house. We both need to work full-time to afford our lifestyle, we aren't worried about money (we aren't rich" but doing just fine) but we sacrifice having a show home. I'll never sacrifice stuff with the kids to clean the house, I could afford a cleaner but I don't trust someone I don't know coming round to be honest.

It's hard, but like many women I need to work, plus I worked hard for my own career, I earn more than my husband, I've no interest in sitting at home.

I have a 6yo, 4yo and 18mo. I work 5 day and DH does 4 days. Our house was always a shit tip and is still prone to getting that way but we have cleared out a LOT of stuff, which has helped massively. My dining room still has 2 walls stacked with crap which needs chucking but I’ve not had the energy to do it and we’ve got about 4 buggies and 2 redundant car seats cluttering up the hall… play room is complete carnage so much so the kids can’t even play in it. Have a cleaner fortnightly which has made such a difference to the housework but honestly the thing that has helped is just being really ruthless with the stuff (need to continue down this path). And having a laundry system.

I feel you though, it’s bloody tough trying to do the career thing and the kids thing-whilst sleep deprived with a baby/toddler, there’s just no buffer.

Let the 8 year old be an 8 year old. Driving one hour and back to do a sport is absolute madness!

What if you just dropped all the activities and let the kids play with themselves after school? Pretty sure this is how the vast majority of people grow up anyway.. Nobody really needs a packed schedule of lessons, sports and classes on top of school and nursery.

Yeah it's pretty hard. We had a nanny.

I think at them ages the only way is either part time or be a sahm. I never understand why people working 50/60 hrs and putting their kids in childcare all day have kids.

we both worked with three boys.
Oldest 3years older than twins.
Tbh not sure how we survived. Dh and I were ships that passed in the night( or on the drive) for years.
Boys only did swimming club as an after school activity. Other activities had to be at the weekend as we couldn’t do them. So athletics, football, cricket practices and matches were all at the weekend.

We didn’t have any family support or a cleaner. We just didn’t clean that much. We did things like, no carpets just wood floors as easier to clean. Planted lots of bushes and just let them grow ( garden now amazing ) if there are weeds under them you can’t see them anyway.

We took turns cooking and batch cooked so one major cook was enough for at least three full meals.
We only did a food shop once a fortnight. We only shopped for clothes if we needed them, so if the boys grew out of them or if mine or dhs fell apart. We hate shopping anyway.

We kept charts on the wall listing ‘jobs to do’ by names and yes when the boys got to 6 they were expected to help. So at 6 it’s ok to sweep the kitchen, put out the recycling etc. Life’s admin was also on the chart and split between myself and dh.

But tbh, I’m just relieved they’re adults now.

As an aside, cut down on activities if you can’t manage. Take up offers of clubs at school and say no if it’s all too much.

If I was to do it again I would have employed an au pair. Friends did and they had it much easier.

Life has changed a lot in terms of expectations I think. I'm one of 6 and my mum and dad worked, no real family help. I don't think any of us did any activities we couldn't get ourselves to, ever. Actually we did do swim lessons, but it was one week, aged about 5, and then we could swim..I think they teach swimming really badly now, as my kids seemed to have years of lessons once a week and it went on forever.
I remember Saturday mornings we all had to pitch in and help tidy the house. We all had to wash up once a week too. No dishwasher! We were a bit, er, feral, and probably scruffy, but it didn't seem like this frenetic hamster wheel of chores and a packed schedule.
So my suggestion is move to the 1980's? Sorry, not helpful!

You lost me at spending all of your day off taking a 1yo and 4yo to swimming. Then saying your 8yo had a full schedule of after school activities. It's not necessary.

You've got a lot on. Do fun stuff but swimming lessons for preschoolers and hockey for 8yo is not something you need to be directing your energies.

I'm not saying it's easy having 3 young dc. It's exhausting.

Most mums just sling out party loot bags ar earliest opportunity.

Kindly i think you are letting the wrong things get on top of you.

By all means if you want to quit work and you can afford to then quit but I think other people make it work by taking a more stripped back approach to early years. Park visits and playing at home, not quite as much running about.

If you haven't got a cleaner get one as it forces you to be more organised about not letting the crap build up and you can save on cleaning time in favour of tidying and sorting.

Oh gosh, I feel you! Ours are 8,5 & 1 (where I live that means 5 year old starts school in jan) and Dh and I are both full time.
we have a nanny 2 days, it’s expensive, and when she can’t come we are a bit sunk so eg today, Dh can fortunately drop the younger dc at his mums, but I’ll have to do the school run and cook dinner while if we didn’t have the nanny we’d usually have cooked more on Sunday and not have to cook today. Dc8 is very sporty. We had to drop gymnastics after school when I went back from mat leave and have set up nanny’s days to cover dc5s gymnastics and dc8s basketball training and basketball games, so next year will be a bigger challenge without a nanny.
cleaner fortnightly, and we are pretty busy!! 😖 Dh collects dc every night, and leaves early wed to get dc8 to football training. There is 2x football and 2 x swimming on the weekend, dc1 doesn’t do anything yet. Maybe when she starts sleeping better. We work hard. Dh does more of the mental load than yours , all the footy and piano admin, and a chunk of the school admin. I do do more than he does, just about all our planning, holidays, finance, childcare (I am on the managing committee), so he does quite a bit on the practical front but I do the sorting cupboards, picking up random things and putting them away more. I wfh 3 days usually and that helps a lot. It used to mean Dh tried to leave the kids sick days to me but I do not allow that anymore. I do have a nap sometimes on my wfh days, when baby isn’t sleeping it is about survival. We are pretty comfortable but the outgoings are huge, especially
childcare. We don’t get luxury holidays especially with all the rate rises we have had and can’t just get takeaways every week or we’d run out of our food budget pretty quickly.

It's just a shame that it's almost always the woman who gives up work.

This post has has a bit of a tone but basicaly i agree with it.

I will have 2 under 2 shortly. We both have professional jobs and 4 days is not a luxury my company will ever offer. I am in or out. And i cant afford to be out. Our outgoings are £££

Extra ciricular We dont / wont "do" baby classes and our children wont go to swim class until they are 4 or 5. We have agreed one sport activity and one instrument max.
decluttering and storage is key. I spend the last month of my first mat leave buying storage and putting "systems" in place. I throw out a bag of stuff per week i would say.
Kids help out my DD is 16m but "helps" in the house. She puts shoes away, takes things to mummy/daddy. Unpacks shopping etc.

Kids clothes & toys
Im brutal.
One thing i do which seems to have blown some of my friends minds is i dont sort through the kids clothes as they grow out of them.
When dd is growing out of a few things in 12-18m i pack them all away (even if its cute and fits) and get out 18-24m.
Old lot out, new lot in. I go through the old stuff and keep the nicest 14 vests 10 dresses etc. All the rest goes to charity. I have jojo storage bags. One for 0-6m, 6-12m, 12-18m.
Dd has a trofast with 6 pull out drawers if a new toy doesnt fit old toys get given away.

Outsourcing
we have a cleaner 3 hours a week. When no 2 comes it will be 6 hours. We are happy to forego other things for this as its a priority. We basically give up 2 x weekend hols per year for it)

You asked how you coped with small children, housework, work, sleep and being absolutely wonderful - there is only one answer - don’t beat yourself up over it - do what you can!

I actually found it easier once I started doing nights, cos the nights I didn’t work, I deep cleaned the house top to bottom, cooked, washed, ironed, and because no one was disturbing me and my routine, I felt at peace.

Labour saving devices like a dishwasher was a godsend too.

Thankfully hubby and children and dog and cat could sleep thru an atom bomb landing, but I know my life is not how everyone wants to live, but I felt it easier for me to be the person I wanted to be.

I hope that you find your happy place very soon

Yes, with three all the wheels started falling off for me. I got made redundant about that time which was a relief to be honest. We actually then spent less money as was able to meal plan better. Not panic buy stuff. or buy stuff out of guilt. The time out of the job market has meant I am still in mid level role when I think I could have climbed the career ladder a bit. It is a bit of a trade off.

Widowed mum, two children (13, 8). I work 8-4 but I commute as well. No family so I rely on after school club. No cleaner. Can't afford one because let's be honest the NHS pays badly. I work full time.

I don't have the answers but I sympathise. My days consist of work, kids activities, cooking and cleaning. It's very busy and full on. I get it all done somehow but it's always a rush, I live at a million miles an hour

Nope wouldn't do it hubby and me agreed before we had children that I would give up work. We have twin 1 year olds and a 3 and a teen and I do everything at home but hubby soon as he gets in dives in with everything also no nagging needed, till bedtime strikes at 7 and them we flop lol