That two parents working doesn’t work

[Itsmyshadow]

We have 3 DCs aged 8, 4 and 1. DH works full time. I have recently returned from mat leave doing 4 days per week. On my day off I have DC4 and DC1 at home and a large part of that is taken up with swimming lessons.

I feel like I’m failing at everything to be honest. House is a state, am not on top of my work, kids in nursery and after school club for long hours, and don’t even get me started on the amount of after school sporting activities DC1 does which don’t really fit with going to work.

DH is a great dad, does his fair share with the kids, does 50% of the school / nursery runs, and most of DC1’s after school sporting stuff (whilst I have the younger two). He could pull his weight a bit more with the housework but gets off his bottom when I huff and puff / nag, and does all of the DIY and garden. Like most women I carry the mental load, doing all the school, nursery, medical admin etc.

I feel like I need to do a real half arsed job of my work on my wfh days to keep on top of the washing / house / kid admin / kid homework (saw a thread on here the other day about that), but workload / conscience won’t let me do that, and that doesn’t solve for the fact that DC1 has football at 5:30 on a Tuesday or hockey at 6pm on a Wednesday and if I finish at 5pm and I’m in the office, those timings don’t work.

We have a cleaner and a robot vacuum, but I still can’t keep on top of all the crap all around the house (paintings from nursery, party bag loot, paper admin that needs addressing, magazines etc), and feel like the kids get given toys / grow out of clothes much faster than I can get sort through the old ones. Result is a massive mess of a playroom that I keep getting half through sorting before the kids mess it up again and there’s nowhere for everything to go.

Don’t talk to me about TOMM or similar. I’m not lacking motivation or direction. I spend hours per week washing and putting away clothes, batch cooking, sorting through piles of stuff, firefighting cleaning tasks (usually when something mouldy is discovered or someone has spilt something somewhere), but no sooner is something done it’s a complete mess again.

So those of you who work a lot of hours and have young kids. How are you managing? Do you spend hours every evening cooking and cleaning (how do you find the energy if so?), and how to you manage the demands of kids after school activities / social lives?

He doesn’t choose to spend as little time where have you got that from- he works the hours his job requires and the rest of it is spent with us!

Which is also what I do as a working mother. Yet you seem to have an issue with that.

Sexism at its finest.

Hilarious how any man with a SAHM is "choosing to spend as little time with his kids as possible..."

If it makes some people happier to think that, crack on....

Career. As agreed by both of us because I put the kids first. Why do you keep posting the same thing? Someone to put work first. Someone to put the children first. If we both were stay at home parents, who would earn the money? A great dad because he made sure these things were agreed and in place before deciding to have kids!

I honestly don’t know why someone would choose to have children if they don’t intend to see them develop and grow day by day- to see the milestones in fine tuned detail. It’s the greatest privilege

You mean just like your DH did? He wasn't there, is he a shit parent too? Or is that trope only reserved for women who work?

Don't you understand the ecomic reality for most parents is that they both work? SAHP is a privilege.

Is your partner / kids dad a stay at home parent then?

I think it is fair to point out if the SAHM is judging mothers who work similar hours.

If it's ok for her husband to do it, it's ok for working mothers too. Unless she's sexist.

Lone parent. Week day meals are all really really quick. I buy a rotisserie chicken and use leftovers to make quick chicken noodle soup. Fresh pasta with quick fried pancetta etc I have a cleaner. I only do washing at the weekends. I don't iron or hardly ever. Low maintenance garden.

The logistics of after school stuff is tough though, I only have 1 and she's in private school so they have longer days and include clubs and matches etc

I work full time in a demanding job and it's very hard to juggle everything and that is with 1 so I honestly don't know how you do it.

Yes… but the point is one parent stays at home? Either sex?

No. We both work full time.

Oh well done you for convincing someone to carry you around like a dead weight. Many parents don’t have the choice. Still more wealthy parents both work full time from home on flexible hours and still see their kids milestones without one parent needing to subsidise the other. Lets see if your DH can see the value you bring when all the kids are at school.

You said it should be the mum though.

Did I say that? Or was my comment quite obviously aimed at the father who didn't see his children for days at a time due to the career he choose, despite not needing the money.

I know it’s a privilege which I have said upthread is really sad times as many women / men would love to be stay at home parents.
My DH took a back seat in day to day parenting to earn the money. I took a back seat earning money to take care of the children which we both considered an extremely important role. We have both felt valued by the other and no one is ‘lesser’ in either role.
Shit parent is way over the top.
But as I have said before repeatedly, I believe it’s in the children’s best interests is a parent, man or woman, is the main day to day caregiver during the pre school years in particular.
People on here want to keep smashing the sexism banner in my face. I’ve repeatedly said either parent!!!

You are making it up. We need the money his job provides otherwise there would be no money?

I’ve said either parent, repeatedly.

@Itsmyshadow

It is going to get better when the little one goes to reception. I promise.

It is a shame that in this country grandparents are so "lightly" involved

"he’s not doing it because of no second income"

You said the choice should be kids over career. Your husband doesn't agree, he picked career. He could have easily done a job that didn't mean him not seeing his children for literal days at a time.

It is just interesting how you justify a man working those sorts of hours, but have such an issue with a woman working a standard 9-5 day and how awful it is.

No it doesn't work. It just doesn't. And many many people are in the same boat.

Every day we muddled through when our kids were small. No matter what you do, something takes a hit whether it's your career, kids or home life or even personal well being.

Don't shoot me down Mumsnetters but it's great women have 'choice' to work, (is it even a choice anymore) vote etc but sometimes maybe it was pushed too hard. 30 years ago I could have been at home with my babies, cooking decent home meals, enjoying messy play, teaching and nurturing the children as we should be. Instead I have to work full time ... house prices are aimed at 2+ incomes now.. I wonder why...

For one parent!!! Kids over career for One parent! Woman or man. Bloody hell.

The issue though is that it is only ever an expectation of women. Even 30 years later, it is still almost always women who are SAHP's and almost always women who go part time after having children.

What would be great is if it was more equal and the pressure wasn't always put on the woman to sacrifice her career.

Thank you. You have summed up what I am trying to say. You will probably get lambasted on here of course because apparently women arnt meant to feel like they want to care for their kids any more- seems to be a dirty word, like you’ve done something wrong.
IMO the choice has mostly been taken away from women now and even those who would love to stay with their babies / young kids can’t.

I know it’s a privilege which I have said upthread is really sad times as many women / men would love to be stay at home parents.

Thank you for acknowledging that not every couple with 2 working parents has a choice for one/both to be a SAHP.

Your opinions re child's best interests have upset people who don't have the choice (and understandably so).

That mainly stems from the biology of pregnancy and childbirth / lactation does it not? And that can’t be changed.

No and I totally get that. There are many women (or men) who would love to have the chance to look after their kids more during the week. It’s a sad time we are living in that most now need two wages to live.

Yes I hear you. I agree with you partly but I think inevitably biology largely dictates this. Pregnancy/childbirth/ feeding. But yes men should equally share child rearing but then it will always come down to the women’s choice on who stays home. Nothing is ever equal.. that’s life. But it’s defo come a long way and still some way to go.