AIBU to think I should have been able to get help with behaviour of DS(6) before getting to crisis point?

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My DS is 6 and is currently in year 2.

I’ll preface the below (which sounds terrible on re-reading but is all true) by saying or DS is sometimes a very loving and kind boy, usually when he’s getting 100% of our attention immediately and also getting to do exactly what he wants when he wants. We absolutely adore DS and sometimes think we’ve caused this by spoiling him too much when he was younger (he’s an only child and only attended nursery at age 3 for a few months before Covid hit) - with both physical things and our full attention.

His behaviour can be absolutely atrocious at home. He still has frequent temper tantrums and not a single “technique” we’ve tried to deal with these has helped at all, he will scream for hours if we leave him to it and likely become a danger to himself, us or really damage our house/things so we sometimes have no choice but to restrain him (he’ll then try to but us, but usually calms down in 10 minutes or so if we stay silent and effectively hold his arms and legs). He’s a very petit 6 year old but he is getting bigger so I’m worried he’s not learning his owns ways of dealing with these emotions because all of our friends’ kids outgrew tantrums years ago.

He refuses point blank to follow our instructions whether this is related to either “doing” or “stopping” something and if he’s cross he regularly shout in our face (just noise, not words) and also frequently tells us how much he hates us. He seems to have learnt that this gets a reaction from me/DH but we do our best to not show it.

Whilst we’re not perfect, our family is totally normal and I think DS has a “nice” life. DH isn’t DS’ dad but has been in his life since he was 1, bio-dad has never been part of DS’ life and there’s no siblings. DS has plenty of clubs, attention from us and does not have a high amount of tech time (he sometimes plays some games on the computer, usually Minecraft or the games from school, but we decided against allowing him the mindless play on a tablet because it had an immediately negative effect on his behaviour during Covid and he’s never really asked for it since). We have tried so many different ways of dealing with this but nothing has worked and we’re at our wits end.

In school, he’s an absolute middle of the pack child. In reception he was able to attend through lockdown as we were key workers. In reception/year 1 it was always brought up that he struggled to pay attention/follow instructions but the school weren’t particularly concerned by this. However, now he’s in year 2 a few of the more challenging behaviours are also showing in school - as well as not paying attention, he’s answering teachers back and starting to say no to them. Obviously now this is a massive issue to the school and I’m constantly being dragged in to discuss this with various people.

We asked for help via our Council’s families service a few years ago but were told that we weren’t disadvantaged so didn’t qualify, but when we asked for help we could pay for none was offered. We also asked for help from the school last year (hoping they’d be able to signpost, rather than necessarily help) but they pretty much said there can’t be any issue at home because DS is fine at school, and DS was probably just in his “safe space”.

AIBU to think that had there been any help available when I asked for it, it would have been possible to “nip this is the bud” rather than the resultant situation where it’s now a huge problem?

Any genuine suggestions/help/experiences are absolutely appreciated here. Please no bashing me and assuming that we’re bad parents. We’ve definitely done things wrong on occasions, but we’re not awful people or trying to excuse the behaviour. We asked for help when it became obvious what we were doing was t working and hit brick walls - we really have tried and it’s a constant worry that our DS is the “naughty child”.

Thank you.

Thank you for this. I think I really needed to hear that all of the effort we put in with DS when he was younger might actually have helped him (he honestly can be such a lovely, chatty and kind boy as long as nothing sets him off, although he’s definitely behind socially). Sometimes I do despair that it’s all a waste, but then thinking that in some way we’ve made him the person he is when he’s happy does help as if that character was not there I don’t know how we’d cope.

I think I feel more comfortable with the private route now that school are seeing problems too, I think they’d be much more willing to accept any diagnosis or professional suggestions seriously now it’s impacting them (and not just thinking that we’re pushover parents at home).

In an odd way, nearly 7 and going into year 3 makes this a “real” problem as it’s undeniable that a 7 year old would normally be handling emotions better. People are stopping with the “he’s just young” now, because even if he is just acting young it’s now half a life behind rather than “just” a year or two.

I will sort out my thoughts and try to put them succinctly on the SEN board very soon.

Thanks again.

He sounds a lot like my DS who, as an adult, is going through an ADHD assessment.

(But im also sure there will be posters along who will ask if he has been assessed for something as it seems you can't have bad behaviour these days without it being labelled something else)

Equally, there are always posters who want to deny the existence of things like ADHD etc and just write children off as "naughty". It was very clear with DS that his behaviour wasn't something he or we could control. Unless you think we should have beaten it out of him and "Put the fear of god in to him"

@PimmsandCucumbers 100% re: diagnosis not being the magic answer. Behaviour and motivators are all unique to each child.

Thank you.

The Explosive Child is arriving today, it definitely sounds appropriate.

I’m not sure of the exact methods/reasoning and whether we’ve tried similar but I’ll do anything if it might help.

We have tried “lowering our expectations”, effectively meaning that the main event of a day is effectively enforcing a lunchtime and a walk or similar at a weekend and giving a lot of power to DS. It worked to an extent (less meltdowns) but is terribly exhausting being so tied without the option to nip to the shops and there’s always been the accusations we’re denying fun activities to sit in the house and that we’re being pushovers for not forcing DS to do things.

The denial of adhd and putting it down to a ‘bad child’ is soul destroying. The abuse us who didn’t get diagnosed as children ourselves went through is something else. A whole childhood of being called naughty, disobedient, lazy, being screamed at by parents and teachers for years on end… those words are burned into us for life. Any time we have low moments as adults, those words come screaming back at you. I’d sooner have had the ‘label’ of adhd than the mental health issues of being thought of as a bad child.

I don’t think I’ve heard of this but will definitely timely look into it, thank you.

I’m sure this has already been said, but get him on the pathway to be assessed for ASD/ADHD. If he isn’t neurodivergent, you won’t have harmed him by getting him assessed and if he is, you will have done him a massive favour.

In the meantime, and you might well wait years, look at parenting advice and support for children who are autistic (particularly PDA) and who have ADHD.

Again, these approaches will do him no harm at all and will support family life whethever he is neurodivergent or not.

Scattered Minds by Gabor Mate is an excellent starting point in terms of leading about a child in “fight or flight” mode and how you can use your parenting style to give your child’s brain the change to develop

The Gabor Mate book was recommended to us by an experienced paediatric neurologist btw, which I think backs up the science side of that parenting approach, it isn’t hippy waffle of any kind.

He also has quite a few videos about parenting that are available on YouTube.

My situation is my boy was extreme at home, like yours but held it together reasonably well at school to start with. He was not academic though. I knew there was something underlying going on but school denied it, basically said he was naughty. We had the added layer of adoption and drink/drugs in his early life. So we got passed from pillar to post - it could be ASD or ADHD or Attachment or FAS or childhood trauma - and none of the professionals in those individual fields would offer support until the other stuff was ruled out.

He eventually got diagnosed with autism in his late teens, after school and college and a job all fell apart very messily. He is now on a three year wait for an ADHD assessment as well.

So if you are happy to do, assume it's something neuro diverse. Read up as much as you can and parent as if he is.

A couple of very basic things that helped at different times - socks with coloured heels. Made it easier for him to get his socks on right, which meant they were comfortable. If necessary, turn them inside out so the seam isn't on the toes.

He forgot about things he couldn't see. So putting his toys in see through plastic boxes, taking the door off his toy cupboard helped as a child. As a teenager, taking the door off his wardrobe also meant he didn't keeping wearing the same clothes day after day.

Consider how you might home school if necessary. It may not happen, but it's worth having it in the back if your mind. My boy fell out of school in Y8. In hindsight, he should have come out much earlier. I initially found the prospect daunting, but not being tied to a curriculum or school times was very liberating. Kids can learn all the time, not just Monday - Friday between 9 and 3.

Hope you get some good ideas from the support on here, and ignore the bah humbug🙂

Schools need to buck up and get him an ECHP

These are impossible to obtain. My self harming ASD EBSA Dd was refused even an assessment.

Weighted blanket 👍
I didn't do this, but DS chose to sleep (and still does, even Inthis heat) with three duvets and half a dozen pillows stacked up by his head so he couldn't see his dark room if he woke up during the night. He didn't like night lights though, he wanted the room dark, just didn't want to see it dark.

I completely get this - we have had the same with our son. He does no afterschool activities, and has no hobbies, apart from his computer. Getting him outside can be challenging, although he's now happy with going to the local parks, or swimming (quiet, outside pool). We would love to just pack the kids into the car and go on an "adventure", but new places freak him out. If he's had a rough week, I've got no problem with him sitting about in his pjs all weekend. Sometimes he needs it. I think if they don't enjoy something, then sometimes there's no benefit to forcing them to do it. It's always tricky judging when it's best to give a little push, and when it's better to back off, though!

When the assessment is refused then you appeal.

The threshold for assessment is low - 1) Might the child have SEN? 2) Might they need support from an EHCP?

Apply as a parent, don’t rely on school, get your application checked by someone who is used to doing them (SENDIASS is a free service) and get your request in.

Did all of that and got local Mp in.

@ArseInTheCoOpWindow - I was told my school that my ASD, EBSA daughter “definitely” wouldn’t get one.

I applied myself. LA refused to assess. Appealed (it’s a paper form appeal, you won’t need to appear anywhere) and LA conceded quickly.

She will have her plan in a couple of weeks. It also needed a stage 1 complaint about LA failing to meet timeline, but we got there in the end.

Was also going to suggest 123 Magic. It's not just another parenting book it's a whole different approach and it is THE approach used by CAMHS in Ireland for ADHD and ODD. It's not written for SEN as such it works with any child.

Sorry you are going through this OP. It sounds like you are afraid of being judged, I totally get it. Eldest DS was incredibly difficult and I became terribly paranoid for a time.

@ArseInTheCoOpWindow - If you want to PM then I will help you. I got lots of help from other parents when I needed it, and wouldn’t have got there without it.

Thank you.

I’d be happy to assume ND, but it’s tricky as there’s parts of many that fit so well but then significant parts of most that just don’t seem to be there (even if we look for them). So many have suggested PDA/ODD that I think this might be the route I take for the way be “act” with him at the minute, as it does seem to have overlap with the ASD/ADHD traits he does show.

I have definitely considered taking him out of school, but hearing the horror stories of basically being unsupported with needs and then blamed makes that feel like a very difficult choice when he’s so young. In a selfish way, the problem behaviours do need to flow over into school so we get the help we need (but I hate being judged on this, no doubt by staff and other parents). He doesn’t seem to hate school and hasn’t refused school since reception when we did always get him there regardless, so something about it is working. Again very selfishly, I’m not sure we could cope mentally with trying to teach him when he doesn’t want to be taught. We do teach him things indirectly absolutely all the time, but it’s all based around him choice of book or toy or trip that we manage to get him to engage.

At the minute I think school comes out on top, but it is definitely something I’ve got my eye on.

I’m sorry to hear about your horrid experience, I really hope you are all doing well now.

I found my son needed a lot of down time. Other mums had yearly passes to all sorts of places and took their kids out every day all day.

I found 4 hours out of the house was about his limit and also no more than one long day a week during the holidays. He could not cope with the level of sensory input that other kids could.

So a lot of the summer holidays were spent in our pyjamas at home.

Also, when we eventually started home schooling, the constant criticism I got was he is not getting the social contact. But being forced to spend 6 hours a day with 29 other kids you don't particularly get on with and some of them are actually being very unpleasant, just because they happen to be the same age, is not good social interaction. Spending time doing an interest with others, regardless of age, and talking about things and being listened to and not made to feel constantly stupid, is priceless.

It was a course recommended to me by my DC's primary school's wellbeing officer. My 7yo copes fine at school apparently, they have no concerns. He has loads of meltdowns at home. It's like the fizz bottle analogy. He holds his emotions in until he gets home to his "Safe space".

I will find the link for you...

https://inourplace.heiapply.com/online-learning/app/courses/6

Get ready for a huge depressing fight.
Punlic and health services across the country are on their knees.
Tories hate the state

Our local authority doesn't support private diagnoses. It has to be done via NHS CAMHS which relies on support from the child's school.

This drives me crazy. It's impossible to get a clear picture of what needs to happen, when every authority has different rules. You then get people arguing on forums like this about how the system works, without realising that they are effectively using two different systems.

They do sound scary, but my friend's child got a management plan and it really helped. Also, people became more understanding once a reason was behind behaviour.

Also, worth checking out allergies and other medical imbalances - my nephew was labelled as naughty and turned out he had diabetes, and his blood sugar levels had an impact on his behaviour.

Take it step by step, going swimming also helped after particularly bad day for both the child and parent. Hope you find some help an answers.