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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

OH won’t call repairmen

79 replies

Nyna · 08/07/2023 23:54

So this might be an odd one. a bit of context.

I bought a flat last December by myself. I have been in a relationship for three years, but I bought on my own. He relocated for me and he has his own flat in another city.

The flat needs a bit of work and the purchase itself was a hectic process. I did it all on my own, though he will argue he came with me to choose appliances and such.

There are a couple things that need to be done in the windows (and in many other places). Around April I said: I will arrange the curtain fittings and you arrange the other window repair.

I got the curtain fittings. He hasn’t done his part. I remind him two or three times a week, he always says he has been too busy all day. Or that he called and they didn’t pick up. I share the contact again that he has to call or that he could even Whatsapp. No “luck”, and it’s f*cking tiresome, it’s been months.

I did my part and he hasn’t done his. But it’s a cosmetic thing so he doesn’t REALLY care. But I need to see that he helps with something, if that makes sense?

Today I told him that until he calls I won’t be calling anywhere, not even take away. He then said he just doesn’t like calling people, so that’s an admission that he wasn’t even trying. If that fear is true that’s actually also a real fear of mine, but I do what I have to do. He knows I hate it (I have social anxiety) and he still makes me call restaurants and other places 90% of the time. Someone has to, I guess.

AIBU in standing my ground and never calling anyone “for us” ever again?
And AIBU to be upset?

OP posts:
EVHead · 09/07/2023 08:56

Why are you doing his life admin? Eh the dentist?

Don’t be that person! He can organise himself.

Original poster
Nyna · 09/07/2023 08:59

@EVHead because his teeth were in a really bad shape and he was genuinely scared of the dentist. He wouldn’t call, and eventually we worked out that if I got him the appointment he would feel like he had to go.

OP posts:
TeaKitten · 09/07/2023 08:59

Nyna · 09/07/2023 08:54

Thanks for all the responses. To answer all questions:

I offered to buy the home together as we were both going to live here, but he didn’t want to. Couldn’t say why. Still, he and I refer this as “our” flat, internally and to friends and family as well. It’s my flat on paper, I just said it to give context, and I am on a better salary so he’s not paying rent but he did pay half for the furniture.

I asked him to do this as he works from home and he could arrange a time to open the door to the repairmen that suited him. All other things I handled I had to check with him first to see if the time was convenient even if I took the time off myself.

But more than anything I think it is that I have to arrange all the life admin for both of us (I had to nag him for three years to go to the dentist and finally made the appointment for him myself), and this kind of became my hill to die on, as other poster rightly put it. Also because I thought he might be lying about being too busy/the phone not being picked up.

I also have big issues with calling people on the phone, so I thought he could help me a bit with my social anxiety but apparently even though he has no social anxiety he hates calling on the phone.

I am not defending myself, I am putting it all out there to see if I am being reasonable.

But you are dying on the wrong hill with this one, because it isn’t his flat and he even told
you he didn’t want to buy a flat with you. Phone them yourself if you want the window sorted.

Original poster
Nyna · 09/07/2023 09:03

@TeaKitten you are right, but I thought that if he promised to arrange this one thing after we divided other tasks, and I did my part and he didn’t do his, and I let it slide, that I set a really bad precedent of allowing broken promises.

Like I did with arranging his dentist, which he promised to do himself, but it had become a health issue so I had ended up intervening.

OP posts:
Coralsunset · 09/07/2023 09:06

So this bloke, who doesn’t even sound as if he likes you very much, lives in your home rent free?

Is he renting out his own flat?

NoSquirrels · 09/07/2023 09:08

He’s got a problem with normal Adulting. You need to know why. Is he neurodiverse? If not, is he just lazy?

Honestly, he must have some amazing qualities because I wouldn’t have a bloke with bad teeth and a failure to adult living with me rent-free…

Alainlechat · 09/07/2023 09:09

Hi OP
Lots of people hate calling but in this day and age it is mostly avoidable. I think you are projecting because you also hate it.

Do you have a local Facebook page. We always get people asking for local trades to sort out bits and pieces in a property and plenty of recommendations.

Also YouTube is very helpful if you fancy a bit if DIY.

noglow · 09/07/2023 09:10

Nyna · 09/07/2023 09:03

@TeaKitten you are right, but I thought that if he promised to arrange this one thing after we divided other tasks, and I did my part and he didn’t do his, and I let it slide, that I set a really bad precedent of allowing broken promises.

Like I did with arranging his dentist, which he promised to do himself, but it had become a health issue so I had ended up intervening.

Why did you intervene though. It's his teeth. If he can't sort it out then why should you? You aren't his mum. My husband is ND and hates the phone but he either finds a way to do it without - pop in in person or he writes down exactly what he needs to say to open the conversation.

Luxell934 · 09/07/2023 09:11

I can see your point OP. Her promised to do it, he’s working at home so is there all day to let them in etc etc and he lives there rent free so he should be pulling his weight around the flat and if you specifically asked him to sort this out then he should have in my opinion. Not liking make a phone call is not a good excuse for an adult.

I would be questioning why he didn’t want to buy the flat with you. Why is he not paying rent? Did he keep his other flat? Is he renting that out? He sounds more like a child really.

ItsNotWhatItsNot · 09/07/2023 09:14

Stop allowing him to live for free in your property. Stop mummying him. These are obvious things that you shouldn’t need told. The sole point in having a boyfriend is that the relationship is meant to enhance your life and be fun. Examine what you’re doing with your life, choosing a man child and running round after him like he’s a toddler.

WandaWonder · 09/07/2023 09:14

Nyna · 09/07/2023 09:03

@TeaKitten you are right, but I thought that if he promised to arrange this one thing after we divided other tasks, and I did my part and he didn’t do his, and I let it slide, that I set a really bad precedent of allowing broken promises.

Like I did with arranging his dentist, which he promised to do himself, but it had become a health issue so I had ended up intervening.

You did not need to intervene with his dentist you chose too

Are you being genuine with all this?

PowerBMI · 09/07/2023 09:16

Nyna · 09/07/2023 08:54

Thanks for all the responses. To answer all questions:

I offered to buy the home together as we were both going to live here, but he didn’t want to. Couldn’t say why. Still, he and I refer this as “our” flat, internally and to friends and family as well. It’s my flat on paper, I just said it to give context, and I am on a better salary so he’s not paying rent but he did pay half for the furniture.

I asked him to do this as he works from home and he could arrange a time to open the door to the repairmen that suited him. All other things I handled I had to check with him first to see if the time was convenient even if I took the time off myself.

But more than anything I think it is that I have to arrange all the life admin for both of us (I had to nag him for three years to go to the dentist and finally made the appointment for him myself), and this kind of became my hill to die on, as other poster rightly put it. Also because I thought he might be lying about being too busy/the phone not being picked up.

I also have big issues with calling people on the phone, so I thought he could help me a bit with my social anxiety but apparently even though he has no social anxiety he hates calling on the phone.

I am not defending myself, I am putting it all out there to see if I am being reasonable.

So there’s 2 issues.

It’s not just your flat on paper. It’s your flat. It’s a joint home, but you own it. Him calling it ‘our flat’ if he lives there. That’s normal.

Dp will call my house ‘home’ and it is his home. But it’s my house. You really should keep him out of any improvements or work on the property. So on this issue I think you are incorrect to dig your feet in over.

He shouldn’t be making decisions on work done to the home. Regardless of whose anxiety is worst. He didn’t buy this property with you. You bought it alone. Which you will be grateful of when/if you split.

However, you have got to a point where you feel like his parent. Not his partner. Those are the things you should dig your heels in. If he doesn’t go to the dentist. That’s his issue.

In all honesty I couldn’t even tell you if dp is due to go to the dentist.

noglow · 09/07/2023 09:20

I also have big issues with calling people on the phone, so I thought he could help me a bit with my social anxiety but apparently even though he has no social anxiety he hates calling on the phone.

Your comments about buying your house and doing it all yourself make a bit more sense now. You should be proud of yourself.

I don't think however it's fair for you to get annoyed that he hadn't phoned when you've had trouble with using the phone too. Perhaps you could help him with making the call? Though really I still think it's your responsibility for house stuff.

PoliticallyIncorrectHitchling · 09/07/2023 09:26

I dont understand, why do you expect him to fix your flat? IS he paying for the works too? Its your flat , you sort it?

loislovesstewie · 09/07/2023 09:30

It's quite possible to get a handyman/tradesman in to do work by posting your job on a website. There are several to choose from, post the job with a photo if possible and wait for someone to make contact. You can do all the chatting by email or text, so that sorts out the problem of telephoning.I do this all the time,because it's easier.

InceyWinceySpidy · 09/07/2023 09:55

Why is he paying no rent because he bought some furniture? Are we talking many thousands? Or a sofa and a table which would equate to a couple months rent and he's paid nothing since?

What about his place? Is it being rented out? Where's that money going?

5foot5 · 09/07/2023 09:58

It’s my flat on paper, I just said it to give context, and I am on a better salary so he’s not paying rent but he did pay half for the furniture.

Hang on . I thought you said he had his own flat in a different city. What is happening with that if he is living with you? Is he renting it out? If so then what a massive piss take for him to be living with you rent free! I didn't know why you are with this man. What do you get out of the arrangement.

I also have big issues with calling people on the phone, so I thought he could help me a bit with my social anxiety but apparently even though he has no social anxiety he hates calling on the phone.

Well pathetic as he sounds it might be better for you to do the calls if you can. Tackling the task you are anxious about is likely to do more for your self esteem than avoiding it.

Original poster
Nyna · 09/07/2023 10:03

Thank you for all the replies, especially @PowerBMI and @Luxell934

Sometimes I do wonder why he didn’t want to buy it together. As the daughter of divorced parents I much preferred buying by myself, though I offered him the chance as it was the nice thing to do. He has this flat that is in his mom’s land (like a separate granny annex, kind of) and his mom has keys to, and she’s not shy to use them, so even he admits he would never again would live there after he has really really flown out the nest (though before he realised that, he offered me to live there rent-free, but on top of the lack of intimacy/MIL issue, I would have to commute 2+ hours, while he works from home).

He has very many good qualities and he has improved tremendously in these years together, but his family was very dysfunctional and for example never taught him hygiene or brushing one’s teeth. Me neither, and I had to teach myself, so I see that he does what I would be doing had I not taught myself.

About charging him rent, I didn't push it, but as soon as the appartment was purchased he insisted on using the joint account for home taxes and expenses, which would equal to rent of a kind. I feel like maybe it's about what it's called, not that he doesn't want to pay his way. He wouldn’t have charged me rent had I lived in his place, as I said. Plus, me earning more and him paying 50/50 on expenses makes it kinda fair, income-wise I think.

Around me there are a lot of women who live in their partner’s house, and have done so for years or even decades, and still arrange it when handyman come as they are at the house way more than their husbands (some are SAHM). So I was thinking along those lines, on established couples that consider the house a shared property no matter who bought it (whereas that is right or wrong). Probably I am wrong, though, seeing the answers I got. I will definitely think about that, so thank you.

I have never seen a reason why he would not like calling, as he works in sales and he’s very extroverted, while he has seen me cry after some calls or work stuff because I was so nervous I said dumb stuff or agreed to stuff that I shouldn’t have agreed to (yes, I’m dumb in that way). And he’s way more assertive so I also think he would get a much better deal out of repairmen.

Thank you again to all those that took their time to write.

OP posts:
clpsmum · 09/07/2023 10:15

Why should he organise things for your property? Do it yourself

Sunnyfunnytimes · 09/07/2023 10:17

Around me there are a lot of women who live in their partner’s house, and have done so for years or even decades, and still arrange it when handyman come as they are at the house way more than their husbands (some are SAHM

that’s so utterly warped thinking. Of course stay at home parengs may have more time to call a handy man, he is not, he’s working, the location is irrelevant. And why do you keep going on about once calling a dentist?

Luxell934 · 09/07/2023 10:18

clpsmum · 09/07/2023 10:15

Why should he organise things for your property? Do it yourself

So if it’s OPs property then she has to do everything? cooking, cleaning, sorting out repairs, bills? When he lives there rent free too??

Watsername · 09/07/2023 10:20

I also hate the phone, so completely understand where he is coming from. Why don’t you call if you are comfortable doing so??

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 09/07/2023 10:25

I’d just arrange them myself.
If it’s any comfort, it could be worse. An ex colleague’s dh would invariably refuse to ‘get a man in’ - he’d insist on doing it all himself - and making a totally amateurish pig’s breakfast of whatever it was.

Unexpecteddrivinginstructor · 09/07/2023 10:38

I would just arrange it online. Even when there is a mobile number I usually text. I think it makes it easier for the people as well as they don't have to stop what they are doing to answer the phone and can keep a record of the conversation. You may need to plan to be there but if they need to work around him working at home then it is just unfortunate for your partner and if he complains just remind him that he had the option to book it himself.

I dislike talking on the phone. If you heard me talking on a work basis then you might not think it but it is my least favourite part of the job.

Sunnyfunnytimes · 09/07/2023 11:14

Luxell934 · 09/07/2023 10:18

So if it’s OPs property then she has to do everything? cooking, cleaning, sorting out repairs, bills? When he lives there rent free too??

Show quote history

Eh what now, what a leap. The poster didn’t say that, how odd. It’s very different organising repairs for your own property than cooking cleaning and paying all bills. Cam uou not see that?