OH won’t call repairmen

[Nyna]

So this might be an odd one. a bit of context.

I bought a flat last December by myself. I have been in a relationship for three years, but I bought on my own. He relocated for me and he has his own flat in another city.

The flat needs a bit of work and the purchase itself was a hectic process. I did it all on my own, though he will argue he came with me to choose appliances and such.

There are a couple things that need to be done in the windows (and in many other places). Around April I said: I will arrange the curtain fittings and you arrange the other window repair.

I got the curtain fittings. He hasn’t done his part. I remind him two or three times a week, he always says he has been too busy all day. Or that he called and they didn’t pick up. I share the contact again that he has to call or that he could even Whatsapp. No “luck”, and it’s f*cking tiresome, it’s been months.

I did my part and he hasn’t done his. But it’s a cosmetic thing so he doesn’t REALLY care. But I need to see that he helps with something, if that makes sense?

Today I told him that until he calls I won’t be calling anywhere, not even take away. He then said he just doesn’t like calling people, so that’s an admission that he wasn’t even trying. If that fear is true that’s actually also a real fear of mine, but I do what I have to do. He knows I hate it (I have social anxiety) and he still makes me call restaurants and other places 90% of the time. Someone has to, I guess.

AIBU in standing my ground and never calling anyone “for us” ever again?
And AIBU to be upset?

Buying stuff is the piss easy part putting stuff up can be a nightmare

it’s like saying a dog needs a walk clipping the lead on it then handing it to your partner

You are being massively unreasonable!

I am not sure if I have misunderstood.

Does he also own the property? You talk about how ‘you did it all your own’. Which of course you would if it was just you buying it. Obviously, if he also owns the flat my opinion would be different.

But ‘I did it all on my own’ seems a weird thing to point out, if the property is only owned by you.

Your flat your problem. You're basically his landlord. He sorts his flat.

I agree, either I've misunderstood or you're comment about doing it all on your own does stand out to me, of course you did, it's your flat

Does he do his share in other ways? Does he clean, cook, food shop, do other general shared life admin etc. If he does, I couldn’t get worked up about this, I’d just do it. If he doesn’t, that’s a bigger issue. However I don’t think giving him a job, that you’ve unilaterally decided he needs to do, is the not the way to address this. If he’s not doing his share, discuss it with him, agree together the things he is going to take on. Then if he does do them, absolutely bin him off. Life is too short to waste time with men who act like their partners are domestic servants.

Exactly this. Not sure why you're trying to get him involved!

Sorry, I meant to say, I think unilaterally deciding on a job he needs to do is NOT the way to address this, but if he’s NOT doing his share, bin him off. I don’t appear to be able to type what I mean this morning!

Are you wanting him to sort out repairs because it is a manly thing to do, so he will be stuck dealing with the plumbers and repairmen in general while you do the cosmetic stuff?

Oh and I also don’t think he needs to do his share of this sort of task for your flat. It’s your flat, not his, he presumably needs to sort this sort of stuff without your help for his property. But, I get the impress from your post that you’re frustrated with him not pulling his weight more generally. But this is not the thing to focus on, and if he is pulling his weight with other shared tasks and responsibilities, YABVU.

Glad it’s not just me 😀

If you are th sole owner then just get the repair done, I really couldn't be doing with all this delegating to someone who isn't going to be so invested in the property. If he does 50/50 in respect of housework then that would be OK by me. And, do you feel as he is the man, he should be dealing with repair rather that you? And you do the pretty stuff?

This is a difficult one. It's unclear what your set up is or your long term intentions. I think at this stage, he's your live in boyfriend. Presumably he pays some sort of board and pulls his weight. You consider his wishes, just as he gives some input but ultimately its your house and you get the final say.
What you're wanting is for him to take on all the responsibility of a co-owner without any of the benefits. I'd say it's down to you to sort the windows.
Long term, do you see yourselves fully committing to one another with a truly shared home? If not, suck it up and carry on. If so, you need to decide if he's the one for you. He wasn't honest about his reasoning for not making the calls however I'd guess he did make s half hearted attempt. This might be the achillies heel. He has deficits that compound rather than complement yours. Are you prepared to be the main 'call maker' long term or will your resentment fester? I sense that part of you feels he should 'man up' and often when faced with these feelings its not long before sexual attraction dwindles. There's no right or wrong, but I'd suggest decisions need to be made sooner rather than later.

You seem very adamant that it’s your property, you purchased it; not his etc and then suddenly you expect him to sort out a workman for it?? Odd. It’s your house, you do it.

OP - you are not coming across well here. You seem to have unilaterally decided that he needs to behave in a very specific way and have set him a test.

You are coming across as controlling and intense. Relationships have give and take. This is a trivial issue. How can you handle bigger ones if this is your hill to die on?

This.

This. It’s yours

I don't understand why you would wait months to organise a workman for your own property.

He sounds a bit feeble, but I agree with others that this is entirely your responsibility.

He probably doesn't want to make decisions about repairs, given that there will be cost implications to those decisions. He will not be paying for those repairs so it makes no sense for him to arrange them.

Can you explain further why he has to do this>and why you’re refusing to deal with your own curtains until he sorts the window, surely it’s your property you’re a grown adult, it’s your job. Do you need to do the tradespeople calls for his?

it just reads very odd/

Why is he doing this? It's your flat. Do it yourself if you want it doing doing.

Did you not say this is your flat? Why does he need to do it?

Your property

You sort out work/workman

It's your flat, so your responsibility imo. And it's only a few phone calls, so hardly onerous.

I also think that if one of you in a relationship finds particular tasks especially difficult or awkward, it's perfectly reasonable for the other to take that on, and let their partner do something that they hate tackling. Splitting chores 50/50 doesn't mean that you each have to take on 50% of every job.

Thanks for all the responses. To answer all questions:

I offered to buy the home together as we were both going to live here, but he didn’t want to. Couldn’t say why. Still, he and I refer this as “our” flat, internally and to friends and family as well. It’s my flat on paper, I just said it to give context, and I am on a better salary so he’s not paying rent but he did pay half for the furniture.

I asked him to do this as he works from home and he could arrange a time to open the door to the repairmen that suited him. All other things I handled I had to check with him first to see if the time was convenient even if I took the time off myself.

But more than anything I think it is that I have to arrange all the life admin for both of us (I had to nag him for three years to go to the dentist and finally made the appointment for him myself), and this kind of became my hill to die on, as other poster rightly put it. Also because I thought he might be lying about being too busy/the phone not being picked up.

I also have big issues with calling people on the phone, so I thought he could help me a bit with my social anxiety but apparently even though he has no social anxiety he hates calling on the phone.

I am not defending myself, I am putting it all out there to see if I am being reasonable.