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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend is RUDE and HARDWORK

63 replies

Timetoflower22 · 08/07/2023 14:09

Need a little advice. There's three of us in a group and one of our friends within the group is rude and unbelievably hard work.

We were supposed to all come over to mine for bbq and drinks and one of our friends came over early and the other friend was busy until 8pm so we decided to go to the pub with some people I know from my area.

My friend that came over doesn't know anyone who was at the pub but made a conscious effort to talk and interact with them. We told our other friend we were going to the pub and if she is happy to meet us there. She said yes. Anyway, she turned up and we were all having a few drinks enjoying ourselves and when she arrived we introduced her. She had a face like a slapped arse and didn't say hi or make any conscious effort to speak to anyone. She sat there in her phone the entire time, and the other girls she didn't know made an effort to include her and talk to her but they got nothing but one word answers back or a rude look.
After an hour she said she was going to go home as she wasn't aware we were planning on staying out and we said well that's not an issue we can go back to mine and have drinks and we can go back to the original plan. She said no thanks, and made a silly excuse up. She was SO rude to my other friends the entire time. Never once made any conversation and I've never seen someone sit there and look so miserable. The issue is, she's like it even with just us three together. Always so miserable and the only time she's happy is when she's doing something SHE wants to do. It's her way or no way sort of thing.

Me and my other friend apologised to 'my' friends and said sorry for her rudeness and they just couldn't believe she didn't once even try to initiate conversation with any of them (considering they are all lovely girls and really tried with her). Me and my other friend are at our wits end with it, she's constantly negative, miserable and rude when she's with us and we don't know what to say to her. She's been like this on and off for years and can be a very bitter person too.

Any advice would appreciated.

OP posts:
Original poster
Timetoflower22 · 08/07/2023 14:13

Also just to add, I'm supposed to be seeing her tonight at mutual friends party and not sure whether I should mention that her behaviour yesterday wasn't acceptable.

OP posts:
dooooo · 08/07/2023 14:14

Sounds like she’s very unhappy within herself. Is there a reason you are still friends with her (e.g. she’ll be there for you through thick and thin etc) which justifies why you put up with her?

kayserah · 08/07/2023 14:14

Why do you continue to hang out with her if you say she is always like this? Does she have any positive qualities?

i am really shy and introverted and I struggle to make conversation on a big group, is this the case with her?

olympicsrock · 08/07/2023 14:16

Have you heard the saying .”You can choose your friends but you can’t choose your family? “

Don’t arrange another social event with her. Be busy next time she asks if you want to do something.
If she asks why be honest

Original poster
Timetoflower22 · 08/07/2023 14:16

dooooo · 08/07/2023 14:14

Sounds like she’s very unhappy within herself. Is there a reason you are still friends with her (e.g. she’ll be there for you through thick and thin etc) which justifies why you put up with her?

She's been there for me in the past, but she's just become so bitter and twisted that we really don't enjoy her company anymore. She is miserable all the time and we all went on holiday a few months ago (group of 6) and she didn't participate once in any of the activities because her 'stomach' hurt and she was miserable then. She's always miserable unless it's something she wants to do!

OP posts:
Original poster
Timetoflower22 · 08/07/2023 14:17

kayserah · 08/07/2023 14:14

Why do you continue to hang out with her if you say she is always like this? Does she have any positive qualities?

i am really shy and introverted and I struggle to make conversation on a big group, is this the case with her?

She's not shy or introverted. She's been like this for years and gradually getting worse. It appears she's only like it with us! We can all be out having a good night and all she does is sit on her phone. I also noticed a few months ago, when we went to my local pub, that she pretends to be messaging people but actually, is messaging herself!

OP posts:
Coppergate4 · 08/07/2023 14:18

I'm not sure why you're putting up with it either?

I'm just not friends now (have been in the past - for too long in some cases) with people who are rude and hard work. Life really is too short.

drpet49 · 08/07/2023 14:19

Timetoflower22 · 08/07/2023 14:16

She's been there for me in the past, but she's just become so bitter and twisted that we really don't enjoy her company anymore. She is miserable all the time and we all went on holiday a few months ago (group of 6) and she didn't participate once in any of the activities because her 'stomach' hurt and she was miserable then. She's always miserable unless it's something she wants to do!

Show quote history

Life is too short to be spending it with people like this. Let her wallow in her misery.

Original poster
Timetoflower22 · 08/07/2023 14:20

Coppergate4 · 08/07/2023 14:18

I'm not sure why you're putting up with it either?

I'm just not friends now (have been in the past - for too long in some cases) with people who are rude and hard work. Life really is too short.

No, I'm not sure why we put up with it either. I've known her 20 years and I think her issue is that she's been very babied by her parents. Still lives at home and has her phone paid by her mum. She's 27!

OP posts:
kayserah · 08/07/2023 14:22

Timetoflower22 · 08/07/2023 14:17

She's not shy or introverted. She's been like this for years and gradually getting worse. It appears she's only like it with us! We can all be out having a good night and all she does is sit on her phone. I also noticed a few months ago, when we went to my local pub, that she pretends to be messaging people but actually, is messaging herself!

Show quote history

Well that is strange, why is she messaging herself? She does sound like she is unhappy and like you say bitter and twisted? Is there any reason for her to be unhappy do you think? Perhaps getting to the bottom of that would be the best way forward, that’s of you do value her friendship. You are under no obligation to be around people that don’t make you feel your best

IglesiasPiggl · 08/07/2023 14:25

I think given your history, I would try and ask her what's making her unhappy, as it's very noticeable in social situations. It might be something you can talk through. But if that doesn't work, it's time to let the friendship ebb for a while.

Original poster
Timetoflower22 · 08/07/2023 14:27

@kayserah I know she suffered with depression when her grand parents died and is very unhappy with her weight, but we see her with other friends and is happy as Larry. Maybe it's us? She's said in the past she doesn't enjoy going out where I live as it's 'shit' and it's always the same 'people.' But she doesn't seem to offer any other solutions because she always hasn't got any 'money' to go out, but will happily buy a gucci bag lol! It's also our friends birthday next week and I suggested we buy her some perfume and hair care products but she said all she can afford is '£10'. So I'm having to pay for majority of her present. Yet last week, she had money to go to London?! Her priorities aren't in the right place.

OP posts:
NoSquirrels · 08/07/2023 14:29

You’re not obliged to stay friends with someone you don’t actually like.

Backstreets · 08/07/2023 14:29

Sounds like she’s got some issues only she can work through. I’d quietly withdraw.

OldBeller · 08/07/2023 14:30

Difficult one. I'm not sure what you can do if she's in your friendship group but I'd definitely start ignoring her if she complains.

Thepeopleversuswork · 08/07/2023 14:30

I do think she sounds very unhappy and socially anxious and her mental health is clearly not good. If she is a good friend who you value you might want to reach out and ask if she is struggling and point out that her behaviour is having a significant negative impact on you and others. It may be that she isn't fully aware of how destructive this is.

But ultimately foisting this kind of passive aggressive behaviour on your friends in unacceptable, regardless of what the justification is. This kind of "mood hoover" behaviour is very antisocial and controlling. If her MH is sufficiently bad that she can't cope with social settings that fair enough but she should gracefully remove herself from them, rather than seeking to ruin it for others.

You don't have to tolerate this and its time to read the riot act or withdraw.

Original poster
Timetoflower22 · 08/07/2023 14:31

Also, she's really difficult with booking a holiday. We want to go to Portugal next year, cheap and cheerful and she stated 'I don't want to spend my money on somewhere I don't want to go, why don't we consider going to Miami or New York?' And both me and my other friend have mortgages so we can just get up and book to go to America. Whereas she still lives at home. We said wells Europe is cheaper, where would you like to go and she said she doesn't want to go to Europe, because it's 'boring'. She doesn't compromise - EVER.

OP posts:
ExtraOnions · 08/07/2023 14:31

Some people find it really hard when meeting a group of people they don’t know; you don’t know the dynamic, the history, the “politics”… sometimes easier to sit back and see things evolve around you.
Maybe you had all had a few drinks, and she hadn’t (I know it can be quite overwhelming to walk, sober, into a group that’s been drinking.
She wasn’t up for the pub, but didn’t want to stop you enjoying yourself, so left. Maybe she was hungry, and the BBQ wasn’t showing any signs of appearing.

TBH, sounds like she needs some different friends, who don’t apologise on her behalf

EmmaOvary · 08/07/2023 14:31

She sounds like a narcissistic bore. Bin her off.

Original poster
Timetoflower22 · 08/07/2023 14:34

ExtraOnions · 08/07/2023 14:31

Some people find it really hard when meeting a group of people they don’t know; you don’t know the dynamic, the history, the “politics”… sometimes easier to sit back and see things evolve around you.
Maybe you had all had a few drinks, and she hadn’t (I know it can be quite overwhelming to walk, sober, into a group that’s been drinking.
She wasn’t up for the pub, but didn’t want to stop you enjoying yourself, so left. Maybe she was hungry, and the BBQ wasn’t showing any signs of appearing.

TBH, sounds like she needs some different friends, who don’t apologise on her behalf

This originally was my thinking, I apologised to her and said we can leave if you want too, but she doesn't even make a conscious effort to even try. She was sober yes, but we weren't drunk, just merry. It was her facial expressions and one word answers that really caused a bit of a scene. It was obvious to everyone she didn't want to be there, which is fine but she never said anything to us

OP posts:
Maddy70 · 08/07/2023 14:34

I'm unsure you invited her over for a bbq and then went with your other friends to the pub and said she could tag along....

Tiqtaq · 08/07/2023 14:36

If I usually feel happy after I have seen a friend then I know that I'd like to continue the friendship.

If that's not the case then I don't persue the friendship.

Regarding the holiday, just tell her that your budget stretches to europe not America so you will be going to europe. If that's boring for her she can chose to go to America instead.

Original poster
Timetoflower22 · 08/07/2023 14:36

Maddy70 · 08/07/2023 14:34

I'm unsure you invited her over for a bbq and then went with your other friends to the pub and said she could tag along....

We asked her originally if she's happy to meet us at the pub, we had all had plans before hand to come to mine, but she told us on the day she had a leaving do to attend, so we said in the meantime rather than waiting around we'd go to the pub and even asked her if she was happy to meet us there, if she didn't want to go we would've just gone back home and carried on with our normal plans. But she said that was fine and she'd happily meet us there

OP posts:
determinedtomakethiswork · 08/07/2023 14:37

I wonder how she think she comes across?

Thebigblueballoon · 08/07/2023 14:39

I’d have one frank chat with her to see if she’d open up about what is bothering her. If there was no resolution I’d honestly back off from the friendship.

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