Friend is RUDE and HARDWORK

[Timetoflower22]

Need a little advice. There's three of us in a group and one of our friends within the group is rude and unbelievably hard work.

We were supposed to all come over to mine for bbq and drinks and one of our friends came over early and the other friend was busy until 8pm so we decided to go to the pub with some people I know from my area.

My friend that came over doesn't know anyone who was at the pub but made a conscious effort to talk and interact with them. We told our other friend we were going to the pub and if she is happy to meet us there. She said yes. Anyway, she turned up and we were all having a few drinks enjoying ourselves and when she arrived we introduced her. She had a face like a slapped arse and didn't say hi or make any conscious effort to speak to anyone. She sat there in her phone the entire time, and the other girls she didn't know made an effort to include her and talk to her but they got nothing but one word answers back or a rude look.
After an hour she said she was going to go home as she wasn't aware we were planning on staying out and we said well that's not an issue we can go back to mine and have drinks and we can go back to the original plan. She said no thanks, and made a silly excuse up. She was SO rude to my other friends the entire time. Never once made any conversation and I've never seen someone sit there and look so miserable. The issue is, she's like it even with just us three together. Always so miserable and the only time she's happy is when she's doing something SHE wants to do. It's her way or no way sort of thing.

Me and my other friend apologised to 'my' friends and said sorry for her rudeness and they just couldn't believe she didn't once even try to initiate conversation with any of them (considering they are all lovely girls and really tried with her). Me and my other friend are at our wits end with it, she's constantly negative, miserable and rude when she's with us and we don't know what to say to her. She's been like this on and off for years and can be a very bitter person too.

Any advice would appreciated.

I just wonder if you and the other friends are at a very different stage of life to your friend. Your unhappy friend still lives at home, for example, and you and the others in the group have mortgages and other commitments. You do not mention whether she works or not, or if most people in your group have children and perhaps your unhappy friend does not. These differences could make your friend feel like she does not really fit in.

Yet, you have known your friend for twenty years (since she was seven). In that case, I would assume that you could have a quiet word with her. She may confide in you on a one to one basis.

Furthermore, I know diagnostic labels should not be thrown around as if they were sweets at a kids' party, but there is increased awareness of neurodiversity and of the effects of mental health issues. This awareness helps us to interpret behaviour through another framework, rather than using simple evaluative labels such as 'rude', 'selfish', 'manipulative' and so on. Ultimately, it would be up to your friend to arrange appointments to investigate this further, if she wished to do so.

i think if you’d invited me to a BBQ and instead we ended up at a pub where I knew no one I don’t think I’d be impressed.
man’s age didn’t do the activities on holiday so what? Do you enjoy her company, is she supportive, do you both get something positive from the friendship? If not then fine to step back, but not for the reasons you described.

Everything we describe uses an 'evaluative label'. It's pretty much part of the human conditio, to try to make sense of the world. This is hot, she is rude, even he is neurodivergent. And yes, diagnostic labels should not be thrown around. To extrapolate from very limited information to assertions that this one is nd, introverted, masking, is preposterous. It's really no better than saying someone is a narcissist, that idiotic trend that was rife on the site up to recently.
The poster knows this woman and that she has form for behaving this way, being hugely solipsistic. I doubt she needs advice from arm-chair psychologists, avid consumers of self help books. Frankly, who does.

I don't know who is in the wrong here, but I agree that life is too short to be in contact with people who make you unhappy. Move on, OP.

Same.

If she's always moody and upsets people with her behaviour that's one thing. But I don't think this situation is a good example.

From what's said in your OP she thought she was going to a BBQ with two friends she knows well. As she was going to be late you'd decided to go for a couple of drinks first and she was fine with that, she thought she'd meet you, perhaps have a drink and then you'd all go to have the BBQ.

But she wasn't fine with staying in the pub all night. That wasn't what she'd mentally prepared for or what she thought was happening. You didn't explain to her that the plans had changed. She mentioned it (which is fine IMO as she was keeping expecting you to say 'right well as Mary is here we're going to head off and get the BBQ going now!') But that didn't happen and when she mentioned it you said 'we can if you want' thus putting the onus on her, 'we're having a good time but if you insist, we'll go!' That would make most people feel upset and burdensome I think. I'd have struggled in that situation although I wouldn't have been as stand offish. I might have been wondering what to do especially if I was hungry! And she might have been, if she'd been invited for a meal and not eaten much that day as food was on the cards for when she met you. What could she have done, got a few bags of crisps, nipped to the shop and come back, gone home although she'd come to see you and that could definitely seem rude?

So in this particular situation I feel for her. If she's always like this though that's another thing altogether.

I’m not a great mixer and drinks and bbq at a friends great - night at the pub with a load of strangers no - prewarned I wouldn’t go -asfaras socialising they are worlds apart.

I can empathize with the BBQ/pub situation. I'm not good with sudden plan changes like that and I'd have just tried to make an excuse and cancel as I know from experience I wouldn't cope in a situation like that. Hopefully she'll learn this too.

That said if the friendship no longer works then move on. Plan the holidays you want and she can take or leave them for example.

Well my first thought was are you friends with someone you don’t like?…

Tbf it can be very hard to be in a group of people you don’t know, especially if they’ve all been drinking and you’re sober.

The fact that you changed plans at the last minute and bought in a bunch of strangers probably pissed her off as well. Can’t be doing with people who agree to meet up, you go and they’ve brought along a bunch of other people you don’t even know.

Yes I felt very bad that plans changed last minute, but we had all arranged to have the bbq at mine and then she proceeded to tell us she was now going to the pub with friends after work so would be coming later. So we decided to pop to the pub then go back once our friend was ready. But she was the one to originally change the plans and we didn't want to wait around for her. It doesn't matter what we do or where we are, she's permanently miserable regardless of what we are doing. I'm aware she doesn't like my circle of friends where I live (although there's no reason for her not too, they are lovely, generous and make the effort with everyone involved). She just wants it her way or no way.
For example, I've arranged my birthday in November with my group from where I live and my group from my hometown and before I even mentioned anything she said 'I'm working Sunday, so won't be coming' and left the group chat.
Since then I have stopped making the effort and pretty much ignored majority of her messages. The funny thing now, is she has started to reach out and said 'actually I might be able to come on your birthday now' and this is purely down to the fact she knows I can just switch off and cut people out if I feel they aren't worthy of my time.
Why she has decided to come I don't know, but I almost rather she didn't.
Another example, she has clearly stated she doesn't enjoy drinking. Which is absolutely fine and that's why she doesn't like going to the pub etc. however, she sent us a photo in our group chat the other day with friends from her work, at the pub, drinking a bottle of wine. So she hugely contradicts herself.
We've put up with this behaviour for a long long time and finally at our wits end with it. I'm distancing myself and she's fully aware of it

Honestly life is too short. It sounds like the friendship has run its course and I would just be getting on with my own life from now on.

OP is well past time that you and your friends just stopped inviting her along. What do you all get out of it? Truly? What do you all get out of having her there with you? Does she make things happy, or drive down the atmosphere and have you all walking on eggshells? She isn't your friend. She is miserable, bitter and nasty. Just don't invite her to anything or any holidays. She'll soon get the message. She did this to herself, and has had years to change. She won't, she's only getting worse, and you all are paying the price. Fuck that!

@Timetoflower22 then that is slightly different, on two counts 1 that she's always this way no matter what and 2 that she was the one to originally change the plans although I personally would have said to her 'We've decided not to have a BBQ now as It's a bit too late to start it, are you okay to just go for a few drinks?' then at least she's made an informed choice but I tend to be over-thorough about those sorts of things.

It does sound like your friendship has ran its course, seems she isn't on the same page as you in terms of how she likes to socialise, and you aren't enjoying her company. I'd let things fizzle out.

Wrong thread.