Friend is RUDE and HARDWORK

[Timetoflower22]

Need a little advice. There's three of us in a group and one of our friends within the group is rude and unbelievably hard work.

We were supposed to all come over to mine for bbq and drinks and one of our friends came over early and the other friend was busy until 8pm so we decided to go to the pub with some people I know from my area.

My friend that came over doesn't know anyone who was at the pub but made a conscious effort to talk and interact with them. We told our other friend we were going to the pub and if she is happy to meet us there. She said yes. Anyway, she turned up and we were all having a few drinks enjoying ourselves and when she arrived we introduced her. She had a face like a slapped arse and didn't say hi or make any conscious effort to speak to anyone. She sat there in her phone the entire time, and the other girls she didn't know made an effort to include her and talk to her but they got nothing but one word answers back or a rude look.
After an hour she said she was going to go home as she wasn't aware we were planning on staying out and we said well that's not an issue we can go back to mine and have drinks and we can go back to the original plan. She said no thanks, and made a silly excuse up. She was SO rude to my other friends the entire time. Never once made any conversation and I've never seen someone sit there and look so miserable. The issue is, she's like it even with just us three together. Always so miserable and the only time she's happy is when she's doing something SHE wants to do. It's her way or no way sort of thing.

Me and my other friend apologised to 'my' friends and said sorry for her rudeness and they just couldn't believe she didn't once even try to initiate conversation with any of them (considering they are all lovely girls and really tried with her). Me and my other friend are at our wits end with it, she's constantly negative, miserable and rude when she's with us and we don't know what to say to her. She's been like this on and off for years and can be a very bitter person too.

Any advice would appreciated.

Exactly. If you no longer like her you can withdraw from the friendship. I think you should tell her why though.

we see her with other friends and is happy as Larry.

She has other friends. Then you have no reason to feel guilty about letting her go.

Be honest with her about how her behaviour is affecting you. It’s clear that she is unhappy and your conversation should explore how she’s feeling, but it’s not fair for her to constantly be a drag on your time. If she doesn’t seem to be putting in any effort to work on how she’s feeling or she continues to be rude, then it’s completely fine to slowly withdraw.

Regarding the money, she’s allowed to be cheap if she wants to be. If you and your other friend have agreed to Europe then she just doesn’t have to go.

Ok, I’ll go with: she finds social interaction difficult and most time masks because she has ASD.

She wants things her way and can’t pretend when she isn’t happy with someone else’s choice.

She takes things literally and when you say ‘meet at the pub,” she thinks that’s fine as you’ll meet then immediately go back to yours for the bbq.

You can't fix her or make her confide in you if there are problems, you can only set your own boundaries.
If you and your friend with a mortgage want to book a holiday to Europe for next summer just pick what suits yourselves and invite her to that holiday if you would like her company. Don't get into negotiations about wether or not you can afford long haul etc
Equally don't do joint presents with someone who prioritises personal spending over gifts.
Just buy a present from yourself to your other friend.
I wouldn't pull her up on her behaviour at someone else's event where there will probably be alcohol.
In future either don't change plans you have made with her and don't try to include her with other friends if you know she will be rude.
Your friendship will probably fizzle out anyway as late twenties/early thirties is the time most peoples social circles shrink just because of time/money/kid pressures.
When you have less time and money for fun, you tend to want to spend it with the "bankers". Eg if Europe is too expensive for her to spend to not go where she wants, is it too expensive for you to spend with a sulker?

In which case you say, No problem if you don’t want to come on holiday with us next year then, Friend. Other friend and I will make plans for Europe.

I don’t understand why people put up with this sort of petulant, attention-seeking nonsense. You get nothing from this set up, and clearly she doesn’t, unless sulking gives her some kind of pleasure. You don’t need to stay in touch with people you don’t like. Tell her you’ve nothing in common anymore, that neither of you enjoy the others company. It might make her buck up her ideas. If not, you’re shot of her.

I think I she has issues and for some reason when she's in your company she feels able to express them freely regardless of how she comes across and makes you feel.

For one, I'd encourage her to perhaps explore why she does, then gently let her know how you feel, that you feel upset or whatever afterward having spent time with her, she can either accept it or maybe open up to you or sort he shit out and apologise etc, or let the friendship meet it's natural end.

Surely she was annoyed because it was just supposed to be three of you having a barbecue. When she met you in the pub though you'd added several other people from your area to the group that neither of your friends know and weren't giving any sign that you were going to continue with your original plan until she mentioned it an hour later. I would also have been pissed off in this situation.

Doesn't excuse her other behaviour of course but I'm with her on this one.

Oh dear - I would judge her as ignorant, rude and selfish.

I would have been mortified for my other friends to have some rude person turn up and snub them all.

I guess it's awkward because she is part of a threesome with your other (nicer) friend so it's not easy to unilaterally ditch her - I admit that makes if difficult. But in all other respects I'd not want her in my social life.

Look it sounds like your don't like her at all so I'd stop calling her a friend and let the relationship slide. I'm with her on the BBQ/ pub incident though. You invited her to a BBQ for three at your house and at the 11th hour changed that to a night in the pub with a lot of people she didn't know. I'd have tried to suck that up for an hour thinking we were going to head to yours soon but like her would probably have headed off when it became clear that plans had changed for the night.
Between the way she behaved in the pub and what you said about her texting herself screams social anxiety to me. She's trying to find ways of coping with a situation that makes her feel deeply uncomfortable. If she was a friend, I'd suggest ways to work with her on that's but you don't like her so for both your sales just let the 'friendship' go

Ditch her! Why on earth would you plan another holiday with her when she was a misery-guts on the last one?!

Surround yourself with radiators, not drains as the saying goes
If you come away from meeting her feeling worse, it's a sign she is not a friend
If you all feel the same, it's her not you
Personally I'd fade her out slowly and if she asks why tell her

Fucksake. So sick of randomers with zero qualifications thinking they can diagnose autism on anyone at all who has ever been a bit stand-offish. I mean Jesus Fucking Christ if it could be diagnosed off one 300-word post psychiatrists wouldn't need hours and hours of extensive assessments and full life histories to diagnose people in a process that takes YEARS.

Read OPs posts. The friend is fine with other friends.

OP I think it wasn't great of you to try and spend her money for her on the other friend's birthday present or on the trip to a place she didn't want to go. But overall she sounds like a dick and like she's dragging down your friendship group so I'd just let the friendship fade.

there's a big difference between being invited to a BBQ at someone's home with a couple of friends for the evening and a long session in the pub with a large group.
Maybe she doesn't like drinking/pubs/socialising with large groups of people she doesn't know.
Maybe you should have shared the change of plan with her - she'd have had the opportunity to change her mind.

The change of plan was no excuse to sit with a face on, refusing to interact with the other people there. It’s embarrassingly poor, juvenile behaviour.

The older you get OP, the more you won’t put up with “friends” that are not fun to be around. Fountains and drains. Taken me a while to cotton on but once you do, life is much, much easier

hasn't got any 'money' to go out, but will happily buy a gucci bag

all she can afford is '£10'. So I'm having to pay for majority of her present. Yet last week, she had money to go to London?!

She's a user. As well as being a Debby Downer.

I'm too old to put up with shit like that from people OP.

If someone invited me to come to their house for a meal with just one other close friend present, and when I arrived I found they'd changed the plans to now be a visit to the pub with a load of random strangers, I'd be pretty upset too.

You completely baited and switched her.

I'm not playing the "maybe she's autistic card" but anyone with any kind of neurodivergence, any kind of social anxiety, many kinds of mental illness, or just people who are a bit introverted (and she's clearly engaging in pretty extreme introvert behaviour here) would find suddenly being lumbered with a load of strangers and being forced to be really social when they'd psychologically prepared for a quiet dinner with two close friends extremely difficult and stressful.

Hiding inside her phone and having to send messages to herself to hide is absolutely classic masking. It sounds like she was in meltdown from the sudden change of plans and thrown into such a stressful situation.

Blaming her and calling her "miserable" because she couldn't participate in any activities because she was in pain is just nasty, as it implying she was lying about being in pain.

There are so many red flags here, I would bet there is something medical going on with her. Either mental ilness, neurodivergence, or some kind of physical illness like chronic illness or chronic pain. I'm not trying to Internet diagnose, but as an autistic person with depression and chronic illness, I'm seeing so many markers I recognise. It may just be her depression that's causing it but depression is a serious illness too. People struggling with mental illness can't just snap their fingers and be sociable on demand.

Having said that, whatever is going on with her is not your fault and not your responsibility. If she's causing you distress, or not treating you well, you're absolutely within your rights to stop seeing her or distance yourself a bit. Don't feel pressured or guilted into spending time with someone who makes you worry or feel bad just because you have a history with them.

Two very close friends of mine experienced severe mental illness (schizophrenia and psychosis) and even though I knew it wasn't their fault, I had to distance myself because the symptoms of their illness were really harming my health and career.

Do what's right for you.

I think she should find herself group of friends who don't think they can dictate what she spends her money on, or lure her out on the promise of a bbq, then change it to hanging out at the local pub, which she has told you before, she doesn't like.

‘Completely baited and switched her’. That’s a dramatic, highly charged way of describing a change of plan. Most people find such over dramatising, well, let’s call it hard work.

Fade her out OP. Life's too short.

I'm torn on this one. If she's always moody and unpleasant to be around then move on. Life is too short to be around people who don't make you happy and whom you clearly don't make happy either.

But on the other hand, I'd be really pissed off if I was invited to a three person bbq and ended up in the pub with a load of strangers. I'd have been much more polite and tried my best to engage and make an effort, but as an introvert it would have been my idea of hell. Large groups of strangers is very daunting for some people.

Even if I wasn't pissed off, I would have been hungry!

I had a friend like this - absolute mood Hoover unless it was all about her. Never willing to compromise, rude to most people we introduced her to, only happy when we did what she wanted to do.

Had is the key word here. It came to a head when she told me (not asked, told) that I was driving us to a music event 2 hours away because she doesn’t do the driving, I do.

I thought I don’t want to be stuck in a car with this woman moaning and then being rude when we get there ruining my day so I refused to drive her and went with other friends instead - that was last august and we’ve not spoken since.

And I don’t miss her at all - that’s the answer