To get cross with people asking if I miss my kids?

[Laura4363]

My first post, not sure how much detail to give so this is probably far too long, and not sure what abbreviations to use either so sorry in advance if this is too confusing!

I have fraternal twin girls aged 14, “D” and “L”. Their dad “A” and I split up when they were 6 but he has always been an excellent dad, we get on great and he has had a girlfriend “S” for the last 5 years who is a fantastic stepmom and a lovely person.

We used to live 5 minutes apart which was obviously really handy for weekends etc. However the local area “B” wasn’t the best and was starting to get worse, and we started to consider the girls and I moving to a nicer area for their benefit. I’m from Wales originally and most of my family are still up there, apart from one sister who lives in a nice market town “M” about an hour away from B. I didn’t want to move back to Wales and take the girls away from their dad and that side of the family, so we decided it might be best to move to M as there is an excellent school there, and it wasn’t too far from A and S for weekends etc. D was really keen on the idea, L not so much, but she’s the sort of person who just goes with the flow so was fine with the move.

We’ve lived here for nearly 2 years now and it’s lovely, but D never settled at school. She missed her friends, thought the school was “too posh” and said she has nothing in common with anyone there - in her words they all have horses and chickens and live in mansions (they don’t 😁). She had become very withdrawn and according to L, didn’t talk to anyone at school and sat by herself at break times, or sat with L and her friends but didn’t talk to them. She has always been shyer and more reserved than L and takes a while to let people get close to her, whereas L is much more confident and doesn’t care what people think of her, and has lots of groups of different friends. They both did very well at the school and were in the top set for everything, but D was just really unhappy. The pastoral team liaised with us to try and help D to be more comfortable but in the end she decided she wanted to go back to her old school.

I can’t move back to B as a) it’s too far to commute to my new job and b) I can’t afford to live there any more, in the last 2 years the rents have skyrocketed. So in the end we decided that if D really wanted to go back to her old school she could move in with her dad. At first L wanted to stay here, but once D had been gone for a couple of weeks L realised she missed her too much, so she followed her and now they have both lived with A for a couple of months (S has her own place so doesn’t live there full time).

I should probably mention that B has actually improved since we moved away, and the school they attend is excellent, so I don’t have any concerns about them moving back to that area.

Since they moved back D is so much happier. She is on time or even early for school every day, instead of constantly being late. She is getting commended every week for her work. She is spending time with her old friends who are very happy to have her back. L is also just as happy and doing just as well.

I have them most weekends, but we have to work around D’s football training and matches, so sometimes I just go to watch her on a Saturday and then have lunch with the girls, and A and S.

So, finally getting to the point: I have had numerous people - friends, the next door neighbour, work colleagues and even my flipping sister! ask me “but do you not miss them? I couldn’t let my kids live with their dad, how do you cope not seeing them every day? They need their mum at this age…blah blah blah” which to begin with I just fended off politely, saying yes of course I miss them, but I wanted what was best to make them happy. However, the past few times when they’ve said the same thing again, coupled with am I regretting it yet, do they want to come home yet etc, I’ve been quite short with people, and just said everything’s fantastic, thanks for your concern. But I was a bit ruder with 2 people, my work colleague and my sister - I asked how come nobody asked their dad if he missed them and how he coped for the 8 years they lived with me? Could it be because I’m their mum and I shouldn’t be able to live without them? My work colleague hasn’t said anything to me since, and my sister got upset 🙄 and said she couldn’t understand how I could bear to lose my children!

So I’m starting to doubt myself, maybe I am a bad mother! But I honestly think I’ve done the best for the girls and that’s what’s most important to me. So AIBU for not being so polite to people any more, or AITA for letting them live with their dad when maybe at this age they need me more?

I didnt read all the detail, sorry, but I get the gist and Yanbu. I don't really miss mine where they are at their dads for weeks at a time in the holidays. I enjoy the break, the peace, the tidiness, the autonomy. Im a very pragmatic and practical person and things are what they are. If your DD is happy, that's all good.

YANBU at all. People don't ask non-resident-parent dads that, do they?

I think you both sound like great parents who've put your kids' needs first, spend plenty of time with them, and are concerned about their emotional welfare. As long as the girls are happy and you're happy, then everyone else can keep their nose out.

It's an unusual arrangement tbh so I can see why people are curious/ concerned.

It's lovely you put their wellbeing first but if i was in your shoes I would be finding a way to live near them again

Do they spend the holidays with you?

Personally although I keep busy with work and hobbies I do miss my children when they are with their dad.

Yes yabu you chose your job over your daughters re rent you make it work rent a one bed if you have to and your girls have the bedroom or live a bit further out.

I understand why people ask this
personally I could never do this but I do see that you are trying to do the very best for your child in the middle of it all

I would be looking for a better job with the flexibility and location to be near enough to be able to take care of her regularly and spend much more time with her in my own place

You sound like a great mum and they are 14 not 4! You see them every weekend and you know that they are happy and settled where they are. Don't doubt yourself - I'm sorry that some people have been so closed minded. I have a similar arrangement with older children.

Of course you’re not unreasonable (the TLDR of your post is: AIBU to be OK with my teenager(s) living with their dad, to improve their mental health).

Tell anyone who asks - Yes, I miss them but it’s not about me, it’s about what’s best for them.

If they persist, say - so you’re saying you wouldn’t let your child live where they would best thrive, with their own parent, just because of your own feelings?

Given that people send their children to boarding schools, that some people who live in remote places in Scotland all have children away during the week and I have a friend whose children both went and stayed with her mum (their grandmother) because the schools there was better, I don’t think you’re remotely unreasonable.

If all of you are happy with the situation, there’s nothing wrong with it. Your daughters are 14 and it was their choice and one they are old enough to make.

So ignore anyone asking you over and over or telling you you’re a bad person, or whatever. Enjoy your peaceful, tidy house.

Some who reply will have their children in boarding schools, but that's okay because it's school.

I think what you've done is put your children's needs first. Asking if you miss them is a stupid question, because of course you do, but you chose to put their happiness first. No one would bat an eyelid if you were their father.

Of course you’re not being unreasonable. It’s none of anybody’s business but your immediate family’s. You’re doing the right thing to give such comments short shrift.

Incidentally, not so very long ago, girls of 14 would have been sent away to work as servants and so on. Having reread your OP, I’m agog at your sister saying “how can you bear to lose your children?” You haven’t lost them: what an awful way to phrase it. They’re 14 and they’re growing up and becoming more independent. If they were three, it would be very different, but it’s only a few years before they would naturally start leaving home altogether.

It seems a reasonable question to ask a sibling whose children have moved quite far away. Would be odd if your sister didn't ask if you missed them. It's ok to say you don't miss them. That's why it's a question. I think it sounds like it was the right decision for them to go back to their old school with their old friends especially as their dad and step mother are there for them. It would be ok to miss them even acknowledging that they were in the right place for everybody. It doesn't have to be taken as a judgement that they shouldn't be there.

I think If everyone’s happy then it’s nobody else’s business.
now my daughters are older, if their dad and I were to split and it was in their best interests to stay with him, then I would be comfortable for them to live with him if they were happy with that arrangement.
it should always be about what’s best for the children and where they’re happiest. It’s not about the parents at all.

I don't think you're being at all unreasonable and I think you and your ex and his partner are doing a good job of adapting to these circumstances and putting the children first.

But some comments on this thread demonstrate that a lot of people still judge women who aren't prepared to martyr themselves to an ideal that dictates that you have to be with your kids 24/7 in order to be a good mother. As you rightly say, if you were a man and your ex was a woman it wouldn't cross anyone's mind to ask this.

I don't know what to say other than ignore, smile sweetly and don't engage. The people who are involved in parenting these children know the real story so the opinions of other people foisting old-fashioned ideas about what a mother ought to do are neither here nor there.

Maybe they shouldn't ask out loud, but I imagine most people would be wondering, and assuming that you do miss them

I certainly wonder whether parents who send their children to boarding school don't miss them. And if I don't assume a father who chooses to live far away from his children misses them, it is because I assume he wasn't that bothered about them.

I think you and your ex sound like amazing parents who have done really well to co-parent in a way that's best for your girls. That is commendable.
You could maybe try finding somewhere closer to them to live when you're able (though I realise you're maybe already considering this since you touched on house prices/rents changing)
Your children seem to be very happy, very much loved and very safe- and that is because of you and their dad doing your best by them.
Ignore anyone who judges you- as you say nobody asks dads the same thing.
I'm on the app so it doesn't let me vote but rest assured YANBU. You are being a good mother and your love for your girls and their well-being is clear from your words.

You are absolutely NOT unreasonable - it's sexist & rude to assume the resident parent can't possibly be the father.

Many children live with another family member other than their mother. Many attend boarding school.

Mine lived with their dad for a couple of years and it was hard on me but my child thrived & has a super bond with their dad as a result.

Yes, it may seem contrary to the norm, but it shouldn't be. A parent is a parent and should be equally a parent, including being capable and willing to be the resident or main carer.

To repeatedly bring it up with you, they're rubbing it in and causing you to potentially develop a complex about it where there needn't be one.

You both sound like super parents.

My thoughts would be exactly the same whether it was a father or mother who posted

When i was at secondary, at 13 or 14 teens go to another town for secondary often and just rent a room with a complete stranger. Imagine this

You made a really selfless and brave choice - if anyone asks you again tell them they are being really rude and need to keep their sexist ideas to themselves.

Ime people do ask non resident dads, even ones who see them very regularly. I know of a couple of dads who are equally frustrated with being asked, especially as it wasn't their choice to split initially. Of course they miss them, but equally they know they are happy and safe with their mum, and they get to see their children very often too.

I don't think it's misogynistic to ask any parent if they miss their children who don't live with them. Most people are probably just making random conversation when they don't know what to say about a weird topic and I'd suggest not bringing it up with so many people if you don't want to answer questions about it; your work colleagues don't need to know, for example.

But it's also ok to not miss them. Your feelings are your feelings and they don't have to be the same as other people's.

Do you think you're overreacting because you feel guilty that you don't miss them as much as other people say they would?

I don’t think it’s wrong to ask if you miss them, and I’d say the same if you were their father not their mother. I imagine you do miss them, and people are concerned about you.

You’ve put the needs of your kids first. Even if they were four not fourteen that is a very mature and loving thing to do and it’s not like you don’t see them at all.

You need a stock response.
"Of course I do. But it's not all about me, is it? This situation is best for them and that's the main thing."