To get cross with people asking if I miss my kids?

[Laura4363]

My first post, not sure how much detail to give so this is probably far too long, and not sure what abbreviations to use either so sorry in advance if this is too confusing!

I have fraternal twin girls aged 14, “D” and “L”. Their dad “A” and I split up when they were 6 but he has always been an excellent dad, we get on great and he has had a girlfriend “S” for the last 5 years who is a fantastic stepmom and a lovely person.

We used to live 5 minutes apart which was obviously really handy for weekends etc. However the local area “B” wasn’t the best and was starting to get worse, and we started to consider the girls and I moving to a nicer area for their benefit. I’m from Wales originally and most of my family are still up there, apart from one sister who lives in a nice market town “M” about an hour away from B. I didn’t want to move back to Wales and take the girls away from their dad and that side of the family, so we decided it might be best to move to M as there is an excellent school there, and it wasn’t too far from A and S for weekends etc. D was really keen on the idea, L not so much, but she’s the sort of person who just goes with the flow so was fine with the move.

We’ve lived here for nearly 2 years now and it’s lovely, but D never settled at school. She missed her friends, thought the school was “too posh” and said she has nothing in common with anyone there - in her words they all have horses and chickens and live in mansions (they don’t 😁). She had become very withdrawn and according to L, didn’t talk to anyone at school and sat by herself at break times, or sat with L and her friends but didn’t talk to them. She has always been shyer and more reserved than L and takes a while to let people get close to her, whereas L is much more confident and doesn’t care what people think of her, and has lots of groups of different friends. They both did very well at the school and were in the top set for everything, but D was just really unhappy. The pastoral team liaised with us to try and help D to be more comfortable but in the end she decided she wanted to go back to her old school.

I can’t move back to B as a) it’s too far to commute to my new job and b) I can’t afford to live there any more, in the last 2 years the rents have skyrocketed. So in the end we decided that if D really wanted to go back to her old school she could move in with her dad. At first L wanted to stay here, but once D had been gone for a couple of weeks L realised she missed her too much, so she followed her and now they have both lived with A for a couple of months (S has her own place so doesn’t live there full time).

I should probably mention that B has actually improved since we moved away, and the school they attend is excellent, so I don’t have any concerns about them moving back to that area.

Since they moved back D is so much happier. She is on time or even early for school every day, instead of constantly being late. She is getting commended every week for her work. She is spending time with her old friends who are very happy to have her back. L is also just as happy and doing just as well.

I have them most weekends, but we have to work around D’s football training and matches, so sometimes I just go to watch her on a Saturday and then have lunch with the girls, and A and S.

So, finally getting to the point: I have had numerous people - friends, the next door neighbour, work colleagues and even my flipping sister! ask me “but do you not miss them? I couldn’t let my kids live with their dad, how do you cope not seeing them every day? They need their mum at this age…blah blah blah” which to begin with I just fended off politely, saying yes of course I miss them, but I wanted what was best to make them happy. However, the past few times when they’ve said the same thing again, coupled with am I regretting it yet, do they want to come home yet etc, I’ve been quite short with people, and just said everything’s fantastic, thanks for your concern. But I was a bit ruder with 2 people, my work colleague and my sister - I asked how come nobody asked their dad if he missed them and how he coped for the 8 years they lived with me? Could it be because I’m their mum and I shouldn’t be able to live without them? My work colleague hasn’t said anything to me since, and my sister got upset 🙄 and said she couldn’t understand how I could bear to lose my children!

So I’m starting to doubt myself, maybe I am a bad mother! But I honestly think I’ve done the best for the girls and that’s what’s most important to me. So AIBU for not being so polite to people any more, or AITA for letting them live with their dad when maybe at this age they need me more?

You're not a bad mum.
Quite the opposite.

You did what was best for your children even though it was hard for you. You put them first in order for them to be happy.

Not really on topic, but for the love of God, don't introduce letters for people AND for places.

That made my eyes swizzle.

Maybe they’re making conversation. Maybe they’re genuinely wondering. I would wonder!

It's a daft question. Of course you miss your kids. I 'miss' my kids and they are in their 20s and 30's. You and your ex have put your kids interests first and haven't treated your kids as personal property to be fought over. I wish more parents would think like you.

For one, you don't know that their DF wasn't asked if he missed his DDs when he stopped living with them. It's a normal question. It's not one only directed at mums. When our friend split up from his DW, we often talked about how much he missed his DCs.
There's also a perception that most teens would prefer to live with the same sex parent.

People are only asking because it's a bit unusual and I don't think there are that many mums out there who could do this.
Just tell people yes or no or whatever

People who don’t coparent can’t wrap their heads around not being with their kids everyday, I mean it’s not what you plan when you give birth to them but life happens and you do what’s best for them, which is what you have done, you don’t own them.

😂

So glad I'm not the only one 🤣 I had to reread to see who B was before realising it was a place.

OP that must be really annoying for you, you have done what's best for your girls. They aren't in a random boarding school or packed off with a distant relative they're happily living with their father and that relationship is of equal importance to their relationship with you and I'm sure they really appreciate that you have put your own feelings over wanting them to live with you over their own feelings around school, paternal family and friendships. Not many parents would be able to do that and do so amicably with an ex so I think you sound like a selfless, considerate mother.

Firstly, I think you & your ex (I'm not going to start using the letters!) are to be commended for co-parenting so well. It's rare & pretty wonderful.

It's obviously what facilitates this move.

However, I think there's nothing wrong with people asking, at least once, if you miss them. I've asked that of a friend who has her 11 yo in boarding school. I don't keep asking it tho. That's key.

Honestly (single parent of 3), I couldn't do this. I would miss them too much if I was apart all week. I would miss the active, daily part of parenting.

However, I have a rubbish, abusive ex and have fully cared for mine with no help, so that definitely colours my view!

As to misogynistic - hmm. At its core, I guess, yes, in the same way we assume children will spend most time with their mother. However, I still would find it harder to imagine DC away from their mum, more so than their dad & I think the question is not meant malignly.

I mean it’s just because it’s not the norm but what’s best for the children should be the norm.

If dad lives somewhere that’s genuinely better for the children then so be it, is mums the one that’s more available time wise and so be it but it’s about time we stop this whole mums must be shit not living with their kids but that it’s normal for dads.

The best parent puts their child first. Not their feelings or wants.

I think you’re doing a brilliant job! Sounds like you co-parent really well, have respect on all side, listened to your children and put their needs first. You should be really proud.

Not many people can truly listen to the needs of their children and put that above all else. You’ve done well to manage this so amicably. I’d hold your head high and talk about how happy your children are.

No different to any mother who sends their child weekly boarding. My parents were absolutely fine and I can’t imagine anybody bothered to ask them that question and yes if I was you I would also be annoyed after the first time.

It sounds like things have worked out very well, you did what was best for your children and they're thriving. They still get regular, quality time with you.

(By the way, my son's at his dad's most weekends and I feel his dad gets the real, relaxed quality time to engage with him, while I get the stressful after work and school dinner bedtime rush: might be worth pointing that out if you want something to shut people up!)

Perhaps people are just asking because they care, but it would annoy me too if they kept asking again!

Of course it's ok to miss them or not to miss them. They're nearing adulthood and you spend a lot of time with them still.

I have a new partner and so go off to stay with him for 4 days every few weeks, send my son to his dad's at weekends and midweek one or two evenings when I'm working...I miss him.sometimes, but the balance is good for us both, he's happy about it and it makes us appreciate the time we have together and make it special.

Oh and yes, of course it's sexist if no one asked the same of their dad.

Lol here comes the mumsnet army of “o I couldn’t do that I would miss them”. Yanbu op! Most 14yos these days are barely home from being out with friends etc?! It really doesn’t matter where they live at this age! They are hardly needing to be waited on hand foot and finger they are quite capable of expressing emotions commenting on a bus etc.

Dads don’t get asked the same yet mumsnet will say “it’s not just your child!” Lol worst place you could of asked this op tbh.

I think it’s a really healthy set up and you done the 24/7 care when they needed it most and wernt able to make there own meals wipe there own backsides take themselves to school and all that jazz.

Commuting*

Exactly. Why are people being so disingenuous as to why the question is being asked. Of course it's unusual for kids to live 100% with their dad when the mum is still on the scene and doesn't have mental health or other issues. It's none of their damn business of course but that's why they're asking.

But that’s the thing it shouldn’t be weird for the children to be living in the best areas for them regardless of which parent.

Thanks everyone for your replies. I didn’t realise it would automatically add a poll, and I can’t work out how to see the results anyway, but I’m assuming most people think I’m NBU.

For those saying I should find a job/house nearer to the girls, that’s easier said than done. I would have to find somewhere to live where the rents are literally twice as much for half the size of property, whilst affording the commute to my current job until I find one nearer. I’m not exaggerating about rental costs. I currently rent a 3 bed house for £1000pcm. To move back I’d be looking at £2000 for a studio flat. It’s on the furthest outskirts of London, and since I moved away they’ve completed a new train station and shops etc which has pushed the property values way up. My current income is £1500pcm, and it wouldn’t be much different over there.

I don’t think I’ve chosen my job over them either, in fact I took this particular job because it fit in round school hours and meant I could drop them off and pick them up on my way there and back to save them a 40 minute bus ride each way. I turned down a full time job in a larger town so I could spend more time with them! So I find that suggestion a bit unkind to be honest.

I didn’t mean it to sound like I don’t actually miss them, because of course I do! Although to be honest they’re at the stage where they come home, go straight to their rooms and only come out when they’re hungry or want me to pay for another Shein order 😁 so sometimes it doesn’t really feel any different!

Anyway thanks for your thoughts. I think I was probably getting a bit frustrated with people who seem to think I should be inconsolable that they’re not with me. In future I’ll just stick with the “of course I miss them but I want them to be happy” and just repeat that every time, hopefully in the end people will get bored of asking!

Oh and sorry about all the initials, I really didn’t want to be too specific about places but reading it back myself it is a bit confusing 😵‍💫

YANBU. I think you've done what's best for your kids. I bet no one constantly questions dads like this when the mum is the resident parent. It's like you're not a proper mother if you aren't pining away. If they are happy and you see them lots and their dad is happy to have them, you do you.

I think I was probably getting a bit frustrated with people who seem to think I should be inconsolable that they’re not with me.

I really don't think anyone thinks that, do you, really?

They ask if you miss the and you do, so why not just say yes? 🤷‍♀️

If they just ask once I give them my stock answer - yes I miss them but I just want them to be happy. It’s the ones who keep on and on about how awful I must feel, how they could never do that with their kids, they couldn’t bear to be away from them etc that make me cross. It’s like they think I’m heartless and don’t care.

It’s the ones who keep on and on about how awful I must feel, how they could never do that with their kids, they couldn’t bear to be away from them etc that make me cross. It’s like they think I’m heartless and don’t care.

Continuously going on about it is rude, for sure.

I wouldn't say it, but privately I would be thinking 'I couldn't do that'. I certainly would not think you were heartless - I'd think you were selfless & strong.