To get cross with people asking if I miss my kids?

[Laura4363]

My first post, not sure how much detail to give so this is probably far too long, and not sure what abbreviations to use either so sorry in advance if this is too confusing!

I have fraternal twin girls aged 14, “D” and “L”. Their dad “A” and I split up when they were 6 but he has always been an excellent dad, we get on great and he has had a girlfriend “S” for the last 5 years who is a fantastic stepmom and a lovely person.

We used to live 5 minutes apart which was obviously really handy for weekends etc. However the local area “B” wasn’t the best and was starting to get worse, and we started to consider the girls and I moving to a nicer area for their benefit. I’m from Wales originally and most of my family are still up there, apart from one sister who lives in a nice market town “M” about an hour away from B. I didn’t want to move back to Wales and take the girls away from their dad and that side of the family, so we decided it might be best to move to M as there is an excellent school there, and it wasn’t too far from A and S for weekends etc. D was really keen on the idea, L not so much, but she’s the sort of person who just goes with the flow so was fine with the move.

We’ve lived here for nearly 2 years now and it’s lovely, but D never settled at school. She missed her friends, thought the school was “too posh” and said she has nothing in common with anyone there - in her words they all have horses and chickens and live in mansions (they don’t 😁). She had become very withdrawn and according to L, didn’t talk to anyone at school and sat by herself at break times, or sat with L and her friends but didn’t talk to them. She has always been shyer and more reserved than L and takes a while to let people get close to her, whereas L is much more confident and doesn’t care what people think of her, and has lots of groups of different friends. They both did very well at the school and were in the top set for everything, but D was just really unhappy. The pastoral team liaised with us to try and help D to be more comfortable but in the end she decided she wanted to go back to her old school.

I can’t move back to B as a) it’s too far to commute to my new job and b) I can’t afford to live there any more, in the last 2 years the rents have skyrocketed. So in the end we decided that if D really wanted to go back to her old school she could move in with her dad. At first L wanted to stay here, but once D had been gone for a couple of weeks L realised she missed her too much, so she followed her and now they have both lived with A for a couple of months (S has her own place so doesn’t live there full time).

I should probably mention that B has actually improved since we moved away, and the school they attend is excellent, so I don’t have any concerns about them moving back to that area.

Since they moved back D is so much happier. She is on time or even early for school every day, instead of constantly being late. She is getting commended every week for her work. She is spending time with her old friends who are very happy to have her back. L is also just as happy and doing just as well.

I have them most weekends, but we have to work around D’s football training and matches, so sometimes I just go to watch her on a Saturday and then have lunch with the girls, and A and S.

So, finally getting to the point: I have had numerous people - friends, the next door neighbour, work colleagues and even my flipping sister! ask me “but do you not miss them? I couldn’t let my kids live with their dad, how do you cope not seeing them every day? They need their mum at this age…blah blah blah” which to begin with I just fended off politely, saying yes of course I miss them, but I wanted what was best to make them happy. However, the past few times when they’ve said the same thing again, coupled with am I regretting it yet, do they want to come home yet etc, I’ve been quite short with people, and just said everything’s fantastic, thanks for your concern. But I was a bit ruder with 2 people, my work colleague and my sister - I asked how come nobody asked their dad if he missed them and how he coped for the 8 years they lived with me? Could it be because I’m their mum and I shouldn’t be able to live without them? My work colleague hasn’t said anything to me since, and my sister got upset 🙄 and said she couldn’t understand how I could bear to lose my children!

So I’m starting to doubt myself, maybe I am a bad mother! But I honestly think I’ve done the best for the girls and that’s what’s most important to me. So AIBU for not being so polite to people any more, or AITA for letting them live with their dad when maybe at this age they need me more?

You're grand OP. They're 14!! Loads of children in boarding school at that age.

I live abroad with my children as a single mum, but had seriously considered leaving them with their dad in London whilst I worked abroad and came back; 4 weeks on 4 weeks off type thing (for tax purposes), and they are much, much younger than yours.

This. That’s really amazing co parenting.

I’d be absolutely devastated if one of my children wanted to move out at 14.
I realise that they are with their dad and his girlfriend and are safe and well cared for but I wouldn’t like one little bit.

A lot of people would rather judge than try to understand. Sadly, women are often the most judgy.

They may well return to you when they’re older but for now this suits them best. It’s none of anyone else’s business and it’s ridiculous for anyone to say you lost them.

You are well within your rights to tell them to mind their own business!

Tlolljs, it’s not like they just decided that though. There was the move and the change was difficult for them. It wasn’t a rejection of their mother. It was the circumstances. It isn’t one of those horrific situations where the father takes the children maliciously from the mother. I think the op sounds brave and unselfish.

Yeah I didn’t mean to imply op is in the wrong. Very unselfish. But I’d still be devastated.
But probably not helped by the fact I hate my ex and his new girlfriend.

She chose her daughters' welfare by letting them live with their loving father.

Of course I do. But it's not all about me, is it? This situation is best for them and that's the main thing."
This, every time. Nobody has the right to judge. If they are happy that is all that matters.

Sorry Tlolljs, when you have a nasty ex the thought of losing the children to them is terrifying.

This situation seems different to me because it was a move that didn’t work for the kids.

A mother without her children is horribly judged. Its understandable that being without our children is a fear many mothers have, but a mother doesn’t deserve to be shamed either. I think that’s what people are doing to op - it’s like, how dare you deviate from the norm when she’s just doing her best for her kids.

Posters saying move back and rent a house etc - it’s not always logistically so easy!

I don't think it's an unreasonable question in itself (as in, without the side order of gendered judgement), even for people who understand that the decision was made for your children's benefit -- it's a huge change from living full-time with your children to only seeing them at weekends, and not even every weekend because of their sports schedule. A friend of mine split from his wife in August 2020, and his youngest son (now 12) now lives with his mother about two hours' drive away Monday to Friday, and he misses him desperately, despite recognising that it is good he is settling into his new school etc.

It's possible some well-meaning people are just concerned you aren't allowing yourself to feel sad because this arrangement is best for the girls. Just ignore the ones who feel you're an unnatural mother for doing this.

I think yabu and would secretly judge you if I knew you. They obviously are and are asking to try to get their heads around it. If it's working for the kids though that's great.

If they ask you that the first time they find out, it’s natural.They probably are just trying to make conversation, not to wind you up.

I think if they go on and on about it ( DSis?) they are quite likely trying to boost their self esteem by thinking that they wouldn’t do that because they are such sensitive and emotional souls,’ blah blah look at lovely me’. Just shrug and say ‘ why should I miss them, I see them every weekend and we talk all the time’.