5 year old so rude and disrespectful to me

[Cantlastsixweeksofthis]

Is this normal?

Dd is speaking to me rudely, for example if I bring toast, she’ll almost shout ‘I wanted cereal!’ Today she said ‘You’re doing everything wrong!’ Or she’ll say ‘I said not like that!’ It’s getting embarrassing in public and I have to admit I get angry at her as rudeness is my pet peeve, she sounds bratty and spoilt. She’s a lovely, fun, smart girl, but not when she is like this.
Can’t help wondering what I’m doing wrong and how to deal with this?

I think its normal for children to experiment with tone of voice, push boundaries etc... My question though would be 'where has she heard this behaviour, who is she mimicking' as this does sound like very adult stuff and as though she is copying an adult she hears often.

Nip it in the bud.

Any rudeness is immediately dealt with sharply. In public you go straight home and she is in trouble. Naughty step, time out, whatever you do. Same at home. She needs to learn you don't speak to adults like that and that she uses her manners.

I have to admit I get angry at her as rudeness is my pet peeve
Likely she’s copying you. If you’re snapping at her she’ll snap at you. Take a deep breath and deal with her calmly, quietly, slowly. Follow through with consequences but explain them in a calm manner.

Have you had a discussion with her about tone and rudeness, that we ask, not demand, and we don't always get what we'd prefer?

If you have.. has she actually understood that - I used to get a thick ear for tone of voice when I had absolutely no idea what that was, and thus no way of altering what I said or how I said it (Though I am certain I was not coming out with stuff like this, I quite probably was emulating adult ways of speaking without realising).

For some things there is probably some mileage in a (unemotional) 'well do it yourself then' response - if its toast buttered/cut a way she doesn't like, she can have a crack at it.. chances are she will muck it up and not like it that way either but she may then learn it isn't quite as easy as she assumes!

For other things a 'Did you mean to sound so rude? Would you like to try again politely or do we need to .... stop doing/go home/etc'...

Ignore it initially. I think she will stop, if you juts ignore it.

if it persists-
“those are unpleasant and unkind words. Don’t speak to me like that. If you choose to use those words again then it’s..xxxxx (punishment)”

"Are you going to ask me politely?"
Modelling polite language and tones often helps.

But don't oblige while they're being rude.

Please don’t ignore this, it’s a red line (or at least it is for me with my kids).

When she shouts at you, lower your voice and tell her she’s having nothing/going nowhere/going home. Address it in a calm but firm way. If it carries on, she loses privileges. Be consistent.

And then praise her/reward her when she gets it right. It won’t take long.

Correct her every time, ignore any rude requests , warn her that if she continues x will happen .. e.g no tv for evening etc and then stick to it

I honestly despair of people saying 'oh she is experimenting with her voice' etc.

Nit it in the bud. Tell her this is not a kind way to speak and that she needs to stop or insert consequence. This could simply be that she won't get to go out to the park that day or she won't be given what she asked for or she will go straight home if you are out. If you are consistent and calmly firm she will stop. If you ignore it, she may well carry on and may well do it elsewhere with others.

I would warn her first and say if she does it again she will be going home. She's only 5.

What does 'I get angry' look like?

Children need to be picked up on things, that's how they learn. At this age a simple 'Try again, how do we ask nicely?' Or 'I think what you should have said is thank you, can we try that please' would be effective in enforcing good manners. Followed by 'That's much better thank you'.
Getting cross and shouting won't fix it.

Don’t ignore it — that’s terrible advice. My children didn’t do this so no, I don’t think it’s normal but it can be changed. Sometimes we all get into bad habits and behaviours without realising. Have you asked anyone else you know why they think she’s acting like this?

Why did you get angry? You should’ve just said ”You aren’t getting toast nor cereal until you remember your manners” or something to that effect, and manage the situation calmly.

If she is embarrassingly rude, you firmly say “Don’t speak like that, it’s rude”, and if she gives you the lip, speak sternly and apply a consequence immediately.

Correct it every time. Definitely don’t ignore it!

I recommend reading Therapeutic parenting by Sarah Naish. Also get a copy of A-Z of therapeutic parenting where you can look up the behaviour and read the parenting 'reaction'
It makes so much sense. Like a real parenting how to.

What do you mean when you say you get angry?

DS went through a phase of this. An icy “DS, that was incredibly rude. Do you want to ask me politely, or do you want to go without?” worked. I had to follow through a few times, but once he realised I meant it he stopped.

We also talked about “best manners” for strangers: you can say “Mummy can I have a drink?”, but for strangers you need to be politer: “Please could I have a drink of water? Thank you”.

“I want a drink!” or even more annoying “My water bottle’s empty!” gets absolutely no response at all, beyond “oh that’s interesting. Hope you sort it out!”

It is pretty normal for some youngsters to have a 'testing the limits' phase like this - show her what the limits are! Say'That's not very nice', ignore the @I wanted x instead' and walk away. Stay calm but firm and don't let it trigger you.
If she does it when you're out take her home immediately if you can.

Absolutely do not ignore it! What dreadful advice. My daughter is 5 as well and this evening she was trying it on. I didn't think twice about telling her not to speak to me like that. Enforce your boundaries calmly and confidently. Children are always searching for the boundaries and it's actually what they want, deep down (and need). She needs to learn that rudeness doesn't get her anywhere.

This seems to be a phase 4 and 5 year olds go through. We correct. But politely. If we lose our rag, it just makes DS do it more.

My pet peeve is shouting repeatedly 'I'm thirsty,' as a demand. Instead of saying 'Please may I have a drink?' we've made it clear he needs to actually ask.

But, his friends are all either going through/ have gone through this recently.

They're testing a boundary. Don't let them cross it, but also don't get visibly angry - it'll just make it worse.

Yes I can’t ignore it, some behaviours I can, but with this it’s something I really don’t like at all.

I used to teach 5 years olds in a private school. Many of the parents were very wealthy and seemed to have a habit of allowing their children to speak to them like absolute garbage. Sometimes my mouth would be hanging open because of the scenes I saw. The parents often came to me worried that maybe their child needed to see a psychologist as their behaviour was so challenging at home. I used to think, stop letting them speak to you like something on their shoe for a start! I cannot imagine ever speaking to my mother like that at 5, and ever doing it again!

Of course you don't ignore behaviour like this from a five year old. Fucking hell, it's no wonder there are so many horribly behaved children when so many posters encourage you to ignore her.

This type of rudeness needs an immediate and very firm response.

I think it can be normal. Don't get angry though - remain firm but calm and insist on a more polite tone. Always make it a choice that she can ask politely or...(go home, not get any cereal, whatever the logical consequence is). Frame the request as "I would like you to speak more politely please. Would you like to ask for cereal politely, or stick with toast?" Calmly follow through and then move on. If you get angry it can turn into a stand off where no one can back down. And don't get personal or shame your daughter.

I used humour on whining. It might work with this behaviour, "I'm sorry I don't speak 'rude' I can't understand you" with ever increasing bafflement. When she speaks nicely, "thank goodness I can hear you now, what did you need lovely?". Takes some of the heat out of it.