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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To take the Bio-dad to court or accept the money offered

97 replies

56253tT · 07/07/2023 11:38

My child’s Bio-dad has informed me he will be going to work away and that the country he will be working in isn’t on the CMS list of countries they can enforce payment from, neither can CMS get his earnings from HMRC as he won’t be paid by a UK company. He has said he will pay £200 a month, this is down 70% from what he currently pays!!

He has never had any contact with child (his choice) we were in a casual relationship so I don’t know much details or have friends in common to find out more for CMS.

Where do I stand with all of this? Can I take him to court before he goes stating that he legally has to pay me, in the UK or not? Im assuming he will be coming home every so often as he has a family and young children (my child’s payments were lowered because of children added to case over the years) so once he comes back to the UK, can he be obtained and made to pay while here?

Thank you

OP posts:
Irequireausername · 07/07/2023 16:44

*pursue😂

Mabmabdwarf · 07/07/2023 16:48

56253tT · 07/07/2023 16:38

But what happens when he comes back to the UK? My understanding is that he will be on a contract and stay there for so many weeks, then come back to the UK for so many weeks. Once he’s back in the UK, can something be done?

No… not if he’s being paid in the other country.
It would be like working in the UK and taking a business trip…. You’re still employed on the UK.

Mabmabdwarf · 07/07/2023 16:48

It was also really daft contacting his family when he clearly wants nothing to do with the child.

Original poster
56253tT · 07/07/2023 16:50

Can I just clarify that I wasn’t trying to force contact with him, but rather make contact with his parents ect to let them know they had a grandchild and were welcome to see them if wanted. He made it clear he didn’t want anything to do with us when I told him I was pregnant.

OP posts:
AuntMarch · 07/07/2023 16:53

I'm actually surprised you get anything if he has no contact and is not named on the birth certificate. I assumed you'd need the birth certificate before they'd take money from someone!

Lacucuracha · 07/07/2023 16:55

AuntMarch · 07/07/2023 16:53

I'm actually surprised you get anything if he has no contact and is not named on the birth certificate. I assumed you'd need the birth certificate before they'd take money from someone!

Only if he disputes that the child is his.

Original poster
56253tT · 07/07/2023 16:58

A DNA test was requested before payments started.

OP posts:
Lacucuracha · 07/07/2023 16:58

bumblebee2235 · 07/07/2023 16:38

700? Wow.. how old is your child are you back in work?

Your posts sort of indicate you just want to be kept.. and feel entitled. Everytime you mention needing his money you keep putting me. You have tried to force contact on other family members.. it's not feeling like you have the right motivation.

It was a casual relationship, you weren't married. You decided to have this child, if you aren't working surely you were prepared for a hard slog from the get go? Not trying to moan, I understand the position, im already back to work as I know how with COL money doesn't go far. I would take the 200. Has he indicated if he would ever want to meet his child?

I personally rather people be in my child's life that want to be.. I don't even let people babysit if they don't want too 😂 I worry my LO will internalise their vibe and notice that they don't really want to be around her.. that too me is far more important than money.. as money I can earn, her confidence and well being I can't fix x

700 is not enough to be a kept woman 🙄

What a nasty post.

The child is a reality, of course the father needs to support it. Just because he doesn’t see the child doesn’t absolve his responsibility.

OverCCCs · 07/07/2023 17:07

56253tT · 07/07/2023 16:50

Can I just clarify that I wasn’t trying to force contact with him, but rather make contact with his parents ect to let them know they had a grandchild and were welcome to see them if wanted. He made it clear he didn’t want anything to do with us when I told him I was pregnant.

Oh, geesh, the grandparents didn’t know about your DD before you reached out? Given his history of acting like an awful human being, how could you NOT predict he would be furious and retaliate in some way?

Stillcantbebothered · 07/07/2023 17:09

56253tT · 07/07/2023 16:50

Can I just clarify that I wasn’t trying to force contact with him, but rather make contact with his parents ect to let them know they had a grandchild and were welcome to see them if wanted. He made it clear he didn’t want anything to do with us when I told him I was pregnant.

You we’re still wrong to try to force contact with his parents when he already made it clear even while pregnant that he wanted nothing to do with you and the child but you still decided to go ahead with the pregnancy.

bumblebee2235 · 07/07/2023 17:12

@Lacucuracha ahh I didn't mean that, I asked that on separate paragraph on different thought. 700 was the thought of thinking he was high earner as normally peanuts are asked. I didn't mean that to correlate with being kept in the second paragraph it was a back handed comment, relating to her post referring to money for me and the contacting other family members.. which she then explained after. I know it didn't come across well, I didn't intend it in a hostile manner.. but typing text on a forum doesn't really convey meaning.

bobby81 · 07/07/2023 17:16

Speaking as someone who gets £0 CM I'd say take the £200. It's not a court issue & the CMS are not fit for purpose.

EuripidesEumenides · 07/07/2023 17:22

He's already cut back from £700 to £200 over the attempts to contact family. Based on that, I would worry if you start getting legal then the £200 will disappear too.

standardduck · 07/07/2023 17:24

I think you made a mistake by contacting his family. Get a legal advice asap, although you'll probably be lucky if he still offers you 200 / month once he is not employed in the UK and works in Iraq.

2catsandhappy · 07/07/2023 17:27

Can you negotiate?

Thank you for the offer of 200 a month, I accept this. Can you also send 1,000 on 1st of every July for child care over school holidays please?
Or maybe
200 is a massive shortfall a month, could you please reconsider? I might be able to get by with 600 if I cut out dc after school activities.

I suspect his is a bargaining first offer. He absolutely expects you to come back with a counter offer.

Can you find out how he is paying for 'his family and young children'? Or if he is? Perhaps your ex is looking to start afresh abroad with walking away from his responsibilities.
It happens. It happened to me. He has about 5 dc with multiple mums. Has not been to UK in years.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 07/07/2023 17:31

Get legal advice but don't tell him you are doing that. Sounds like he was on a 70,000 salary in the Uk. If he's going to Iraq he will probably have danger money too and be living tax free so he'd have a lot more to spare! How frustrating.

If it was me I would apologize about contacting his family (not your place) and remind him of the cost of living and the bills increases and say that 200 wouldn't even cover electricity, you have rent/mortgage, all his clothes he is constantly growing out of, activities and trips and generally giving him a decent life and outline the impact that losing 500 a month will have on the both of you, tell him you'd respect his choice to not be an active parent but you'd really like to be able to tell your son that his father did the right thing and financially contributed what he legally needed to. And promise that if he can keep up the 700 then you won't contact his family again. See if at least meets you somewhere in the middle?

WellWellWellWhatHaveWeHeree · 07/07/2023 17:31

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Original poster
56253tT · 07/07/2023 17:33

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I’m a little confused by this comment tbh.

He works on the rigs….

OP posts:
Makemyday99 · 07/07/2023 17:34

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Many people go to work in Iraq, UAE, Iran very possible..just because you don’t know anyone. It’s possible he is from Iraq, did you not think of that? Of course not

Annaishere · 07/07/2023 17:35

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I can’t see what there would to be accomplished by the OP making it up

Lacucuracha · 07/07/2023 17:37

bumblebee2235 · 07/07/2023 17:12

@Lacucuracha ahh I didn't mean that, I asked that on separate paragraph on different thought. 700 was the thought of thinking he was high earner as normally peanuts are asked. I didn't mean that to correlate with being kept in the second paragraph it was a back handed comment, relating to her post referring to money for me and the contacting other family members.. which she then explained after. I know it didn't come across well, I didn't intend it in a hostile manner.. but typing text on a forum doesn't really convey meaning.

Fair enough @bumblebee2235 :)

Mumofspurs · 07/07/2023 17:40

Annaishere · 07/07/2023 15:26

Single mothers aren’t just adults that should take care of kids solely they are a vulnerable group in society and it can be impossible to do without help

Show quote history

As a single mother I take huge offence in this incredibly ignorant comment!
I work incredibly hard to get paid what I do.. nor am I vulnerable. Yes- maintenance payment should be paid to the resident parent however- it’s not just mums that are resident parent- fathers can be too… neither have to be single either

Mumofspurs · 07/07/2023 17:43

56253tT · 07/07/2023 15:31

I wouldn’t need anything like that as he’s not on the birth certificate and has no parental responsibility. Like I say he’s never met our child.

Not on the birth certificate… legally he doesn’t have to provide then does he?! Just take the £200

Starlightstarbright2 · 07/07/2023 17:44

I would absolutely be saving some of my £700.
I would also leave cms case open . He is highly unlikely to inform you he is home if he even going ..

I would also say beware of what you wish for with family - presumably you don’t know them - they could be dire and then create all sorts of problems you don’t already have

Inkpotlover · 07/07/2023 17:47

So a DNA test confirmed he was the father, but he's not on the birth certificate? I'm asking because I thought without the latter, he could deny all responsibility for supporting the child.