Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To take the Bio-dad to court or accept the money offered

97 replies

56253tT · 07/07/2023 11:38

My child’s Bio-dad has informed me he will be going to work away and that the country he will be working in isn’t on the CMS list of countries they can enforce payment from, neither can CMS get his earnings from HMRC as he won’t be paid by a UK company. He has said he will pay £200 a month, this is down 70% from what he currently pays!!

He has never had any contact with child (his choice) we were in a casual relationship so I don’t know much details or have friends in common to find out more for CMS.

Where do I stand with all of this? Can I take him to court before he goes stating that he legally has to pay me, in the UK or not? Im assuming he will be coming home every so often as he has a family and young children (my child’s payments were lowered because of children added to case over the years) so once he comes back to the UK, can he be obtained and made to pay while here?

Thank you

OP posts:
Tannedandfake · 07/07/2023 15:51

56253tT · 07/07/2023 15:41

I believe it’s Iraq. You’re right it could be a lie. He’s never missed a payment since CMS was set up 7 years ago. I believe me trying to contact his family about contact has maybe angered him into this work move.

Why did you do that? Surely if he’s never met your DC, then he’s not going to suddenly change

Makemyday99 · 07/07/2023 15:51

TalkingInTheKitchen · 07/07/2023 15:50

The tax payer isn't the default if the NR doesn't contribute. The is no benefit available to single parents should the other parent decide not to pay.

Show quote history

Well it seems to be the attitude/answer for many women

drpet49 · 07/07/2023 15:52

56253tT · 07/07/2023 15:41

I believe it’s Iraq. You’re right it could be a lie. He’s never missed a payment since CMS was set up 7 years ago. I believe me trying to contact his family about contact has maybe angered him into this work move.

So in 7 years he has never met his child. So why did you then try to contact his family? Stupid move and now you are paying the price.

CaroleSinger · 07/07/2023 15:52

56253tT · 07/07/2023 15:08

So you’d take the £200 offered and then once he’s working back in the country, go for everything backdated? How will they know how much he would owe though as no way of them getting his earnings. I’m so confused and don’t know what to do for them best. Me and my child need this money to survive 😢

Your child needs the money to survive. Not 'me'. That is where the focus needs to be. Maintenance is for the child. An absent father cannot be expected to financially support you and his child. Even a court would not enforce that he provides for you financially, only the child.

Original poster
56253tT · 07/07/2023 15:54

At some point I would like my child to have the chance to meet her genetic otherside…I won’t lie and say that I wasn’t hoping for some support from them also (not money) as who doesn’t need all the support you can get. Yes I am also seeing that it was the wrong call now that he has made this decision.

OP posts:
TalkingInTheKitchen · 07/07/2023 16:01

Makemyday99 · 07/07/2023 15:51

Well it seems to be the attitude/answer for many women

Show quote history

Really? Which extra benefit are these many women entitled to?

There are many women who have ex partners who don't pay a penny in maintenance and believe me we do not get a penny extra in benefits because of it.

ElsieMc · 07/07/2023 16:07

Word of warning here - you cannot be certain he would pay the £200 anyway. He looks like he has done his homework. I speak as a gp carer and my gs's dad went to ludicrous lengths to avoid payment. Went s/e claimed he now earned £12,000 doing the same job he previously earned 50k at. Refused to pay full stop, CMS took out a liability order. He even transferred his house to his parents to avoid a charge being taken out by CMS.

I ended up negotiating a lump sum payment and walked away as did he. If there is any way at all you could do this it would avoid a whole world of stress for you op. I do know how hard it is but I can see the pitfalls ahead. Take advice of course.

Original poster
56253tT · 07/07/2023 16:12

He has been paying around £700 a month (changes annually) so he would need to pay quite a big lump sum for me to just walk away!

I think I’m going to have to try and get some free legal advice and hopefully a no win no fee solicitor

OP posts:
crazyaboutcats · 07/07/2023 16:15

Did the family know before you contacted them?

Is it possible he was only paying the CMS so they would not find out and that now they know there is no reason to continue, and the family have decided this plan to stop it.

I'd prepare yourself that he's not really moving but he'll go back and forth and the family will claim he is living there, and thay the £200 will stop.

Blossomtoes · 07/07/2023 16:19

Soontobe60 · 07/07/2023 15:47

When I was a single mother I would have been very offended to be classed as vulnerable!
Some single parents will be, some won’t. They are not a homogeneous group.

Show quote history

Me too. I was earning more than my ex, it certainly wasn’t me who was vulnerable.

Irequireausername · 07/07/2023 16:21

You'll be suprised at how easy it is for them to get away with not paying if they're not salaried through a company. I think you'll really struggle to backdate it and I don't think you'll get the evidence you need if he's working in Iraq.

Sadly i'd take the 200 because he could get away with paying nothing.

goosebumps · 07/07/2023 16:22

56253tT · 07/07/2023 16:12

He has been paying around £700 a month (changes annually) so he would need to pay quite a big lump sum for me to just walk away!

I think I’m going to have to try and get some free legal advice and hopefully a no win no fee solicitor

£700 a month to me seems really generous for a child he's never met. I get £250 for two children and I've been fine with that. Just accept the £200. It's more than a lot of single mothers get. Surely you have a job/benefits which help support you rather than just relying on this man you had a casual fling with who has no interest in your child.

SadKendall · 07/07/2023 16:22

56253tT · 07/07/2023 15:54

At some point I would like my child to have the chance to meet her genetic otherside…I won’t lie and say that I wasn’t hoping for some support from them also (not money) as who doesn’t need all the support you can get. Yes I am also seeing that it was the wrong call now that he has made this decision.

Did you post about this previously? I remember a similar thread.

SadKendall · 07/07/2023 16:24

I'd absolutely take the £200 tbh.

Are you entitled to any UC?

TheCheeseTray · 07/07/2023 16:28

56253tT · 07/07/2023 15:54

At some point I would like my child to have the chance to meet her genetic otherside…I won’t lie and say that I wasn’t hoping for some support from them also (not money) as who doesn’t need all the support you can get. Yes I am also seeing that it was the wrong call now that he has made this decision.

No no no no no.

he is an adult in 7 years he hasn’t met them - he’s not interested.

he rejected any child not your child.

this is what I said to mine. If you force contact (which he can refuse) you won’t get it - no one is going to force him to meet the child. Then what? Now the child has met him and he doesn’t want more contact - it’s rejection

just don’t do it

SayNoToDoorToDoor · 07/07/2023 16:30

My ex went to live abroad. As part of the divorce I went to court for a financial order. Ex was paying £500 based on cms calculator for 2 kids but made noises to drop it to £200 once he moved abroad.

Financial order made for £300 as long as the DC stay in full time education. He’s never missed a payment so at least I know it’s regular money for the DC.

Original poster
56253tT · 07/07/2023 16:32

Sorry 4 years 🙈 my heads all over at the minute

OP posts:
speluncean · 07/07/2023 16:37

If he's not being paid via a uk company and he's going to Iraq where there's no reciprocal arrangement for child maintenance you'll struggle to enforce an order.

bumblebee2235 · 07/07/2023 16:38

700? Wow.. how old is your child are you back in work?

Your posts sort of indicate you just want to be kept.. and feel entitled. Everytime you mention needing his money you keep putting me. You have tried to force contact on other family members.. it's not feeling like you have the right motivation.

It was a casual relationship, you weren't married. You decided to have this child, if you aren't working surely you were prepared for a hard slog from the get go? Not trying to moan, I understand the position, im already back to work as I know how with COL money doesn't go far. I would take the 200. Has he indicated if he would ever want to meet his child?

I personally rather people be in my child's life that want to be.. I don't even let people babysit if they don't want too 😂 I worry my LO will internalise their vibe and notice that they don't really want to be around her.. that too me is far more important than money.. as money I can earn, her confidence and well being I can't fix x

Original poster
56253tT · 07/07/2023 16:38

But what happens when he comes back to the UK? My understanding is that he will be on a contract and stay there for so many weeks, then come back to the UK for so many weeks. Once he’s back in the UK, can something be done?

OP posts:
Original poster
56253tT · 07/07/2023 16:41

bumblebee2235 · 07/07/2023 16:38

700? Wow.. how old is your child are you back in work?

Your posts sort of indicate you just want to be kept.. and feel entitled. Everytime you mention needing his money you keep putting me. You have tried to force contact on other family members.. it's not feeling like you have the right motivation.

It was a casual relationship, you weren't married. You decided to have this child, if you aren't working surely you were prepared for a hard slog from the get go? Not trying to moan, I understand the position, im already back to work as I know how with COL money doesn't go far. I would take the 200. Has he indicated if he would ever want to meet his child?

I personally rather people be in my child's life that want to be.. I don't even let people babysit if they don't want too 😂 I worry my LO will internalise their vibe and notice that they don't really want to be around her.. that too me is far more important than money.. as money I can earn, her confidence and well being I can't fix x

I don’t think my child’s age or work status is needed for the advice I’m needing on this post. Wether I work or not doesn’t mean he gets away with paying. The money comes to me in my bank account to support my child, probably why I’m saying me; as it gets paid to me

OP posts:
speluncean · 07/07/2023 16:41

I wouldn't waste your time going to a no win no fee solicitor on the strength of what you have posted here.

Some solicitors give a free half hour and you could ring around and see if any local to you do this and go and see them. (Not all solicitors do)

speluncean · 07/07/2023 16:42

56253tT · 07/07/2023 16:38

But what happens when he comes back to the UK? My understanding is that he will be on a contract and stay there for so many weeks, then come back to the UK for so many weeks. Once he’s back in the UK, can something be done?

It depends where his habitual residence is.

Nina9870 · 07/07/2023 16:43

I’m really sorry, but the law is not on your side in this instance. I’d just take the 200, he sounds like he can get nasty (from what you’ve said about contacting his family) you may end up with nothing

Irequireausername · 07/07/2023 16:44

Also a solicitor will agree to post whatever letters you pay them to, it doesn't mean that they believe it's a good idea or that they think you'll win. Just keep that in mind if you try to persue this.