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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask for help dealing with ten year old daughter?

76 replies

mascowmule · 07/07/2023 11:01

We're in Scotland so just completed the first week of the summer holidays. Have a ten year old daughter who is an only child.

Her friend that lives on same street who she is very close to and sees pretty much every day, is on holiday and not back until Sunday so I know she is missing her company.

Last weekend her dad took her to a two night festival where she camped, had a ball and had a lot of money spent on her.

We've been out walks during the week, bought her a slushy maker, made that with her. Her friend from school was over yesterday for 6 hours, then I took her for cake afterwards. We've rented a badminton court and played badminton. Tomorrow we are going out for the day for school shopping, Sunday we are out in morning and then her friend coming over in the afternoon. Wednesday we have a day out planned also with a friend. On top of that, she is a keen gymnast so is starting gymnastic summer sessions next week which is on 4 days a week for a couple of hours each day.

This morning I got up, went for a dip in the sea, came home, showered, tidied, made bed, journaled and was just sitting down for a cup of tea when daughter comes down the stairs. 'What are we doing today?' I said not much planned but will pop over to my sisters for a cuppa later where she can see her cousins. She then said that that's boring and that she's bored. I said well what do you want to do but she couldn't tell me. I told her there's chores to do if she's bored but she refused. I told her she could go out to work with her dad if she's that bored, once again no.

I then made her breakfast and after she's had that she said we always stay in the house. At this point I told her that she was being really silly, that we do loads and reminded her of stuff coming up. I told her she couldn't be out and doing stuff everyday and she has plenty things she could do, draw, read, play with her toys etc but nope not interested.

She has since been sitting with her face tripping her. I feel guilty and as if I am a shit mum but I can't constantly be out spending money and all the free things I offer she thinks is boring.

I am so sick of her ungrateful attitude. She's only happy if everything is going 100 percent her way. She's never, ever content to just chill and I really enjoy my time in my home and relaxing but I feel I'm doing something wrong.

AIBU? Should it be constant go, go, go? It's also wet and wild here today, be different if it was sunny. She constantly wants her friends with her, she's never content doing something just me and her. It's always can I invite so and so?

I just feel exhausted by it already. How should I handle this? I can't stand her sitting about all sullen. She has really ruined my good mood.

OP posts:
Curtains70 · 07/07/2023 11:04

Just ignore it. She's been told she's not going out today, let her entertain herself.

Its not the end of the world if she's in a bit of a mood

CalamityClam · 07/07/2023 11:05

I said very kindly and with the experience of a mum of four out of the other side of childhood - stop giving her so much power. You are the adult. You decide how the day goes. You do not justify or explain yourself to a child. Let her have a face on. Be seeetness and light. You stock answer today is, ‘thank you for telling me’. Go and put the kettle on and tune her out!

Curtains70 · 07/07/2023 11:05

Curtains70 · 07/07/2023 11:04

Just ignore it. She's been told she's not going out today, let her entertain herself.

Its not the end of the world if she's in a bit of a mood

I've just watched the Lizzie McGuire movie with my 10 year old if that helps at all 🤣

CalamityClam · 07/07/2023 11:08

This has brought back so many memories!!

’mum I’m borrrred’
’thank you for telling me’ flicking through a magazine

’there’s nothing to dooooo’
’thank you for telling me.’ Chopping onions

😂😂

HellonHeels · 07/07/2023 11:11

CalamityClam · 07/07/2023 11:05

I said very kindly and with the experience of a mum of four out of the other side of childhood - stop giving her so much power. You are the adult. You decide how the day goes. You do not justify or explain yourself to a child. Let her have a face on. Be seeetness and light. You stock answer today is, ‘thank you for telling me’. Go and put the kettle on and tune her out!

This!

Original poster
mascowmule · 07/07/2023 11:12

Hahah glad it's not just me that gets it. Yes I think I do give her too much power and because she is an only child I think I put a lot of pressure and guilt on myself.

OP posts:
Chewbaccaslime · 07/07/2023 11:12

Just ignore her. It sounds like she's like this because you do constantly entertain her TBH. Mine complain once a day about being bored. I just smile, nod and ignore it.

Original poster
mascowmule · 07/07/2023 11:13

Chewbaccaslime · 07/07/2023 11:12

Just ignore her. It sounds like she's like this because you do constantly entertain her TBH. Mine complain once a day about being bored. I just smile, nod and ignore it.

I think that's it, I just need to smile and nod rather than trying to fix it for her.

OP posts:
ChocBananaSmoothie · 07/07/2023 11:14

I'd just remind her we are out a lot and sometimes you need some quiet time at home to do housework or rest. Then leave her to find a way to entertain herself. Suggest she go read a book.

EvilElsa · 07/07/2023 11:15

Agree to ignore.
Is she a reader? If you have a local library that's always a good shout. They sometimes do a summer reading challenge. Or get her to do some crafts. She can find the ideas online.

ExtraOnions · 07/07/2023 11:16

You do some much with her she (unsurprisingly) expects there to be something on every day.

Leave her sulking, and get on with your own day

Brefugee · 07/07/2023 11:17

I used to get them to write an essay/diary of the things we had done since the last time we had the "i'm boooorrreeedddd" conversation.

And then i made future treats conditional on some help doing chores (over and above their regular chores).

And despite people saying it's mean and wrong: they do have to learn how to occupy themselves. It's a skill a lot of adults never learned and it is infuriating to be around them.

Martinisarebetterdirty · 07/07/2023 11:17

Mine did this on a recent holiday, it was like a dementor was there sucking the life out of me. Good luck OP, it’s draining.

WednesdayLounge · 07/07/2023 11:17

Possibly she's got used to always doing something and finds it hard not to. For my kids I'd write a list of household jobs and then told them every time they told me they were bored they'd get a job to do. Amazing how quickly they got un bored!

ManateeFair · 07/07/2023 11:20

She's being ungrateful and a bit bratty, absolutely - but I think most 10-year-olds are at times!

If anything, I think you do too much with her and have created an expectation - she definitely needs to learn to entertain herself. At 10, she shouldn't really need to have you or friends doing stuff with her all the time, so maybe this is time to remind her of all the toys/games/movies/art stuff/books/whatever she no doubt has access to, point out that she's been entertained and/or taken out every bloody day so far, and leave her to it!

Beamur · 07/07/2023 11:21

Get her to make a list.
Things to do. Activities/crafts/challenges, etc
Sounds like she is struggling to entertain herself but maybe you could help her to develop those skills - but not by throwing money and friends at her.
If she's sporty -
10,000 steps
500 skips
Learn a new skill - hula hooping, juggling etc.
Maybe come up with a list of ten things.
As you're on holiday maybe the ten things could be-
Make a den in the garden
Go stargazing
Build a fire/toast marshmallows
Create a character
Write a short story
Send a postcard
Make an amazing sandwich for lunch
Do a kind thing for someone else
Read a book
Play a board game

Some kids do find it hard to have the imagination to create interesting things for themselves but it's a skill you can learn.

twistyizzy · 07/07/2023 11:24

It does them good to be bored and not expect constant entertainment laid on. DD is an only child and we arrange maybe 1 friend over per week + a day out but the rest of the time she has to entertain herself. She does an organised activity week for 1 week and pony club camp another week then I have 1 or 2 weeks off work but they have to learn how to entertain themselves.

waterrat · 07/07/2023 11:24

I think being honest OP you are the one over reacting here! Kid says they are bored - it's been happening since the dawn of time.

Just say - yep some days are like that and get on with something else!

24Dogcuddler · 07/07/2023 11:30

Sounds like you’ve been doing loads and lots planned.
Maybe she could mark all the activities on a calendar with home days marked as you choose ( film, reading , crafts etc) self entertainment.
She’s a lucky girl.

Coolblur · 07/07/2023 11:48

DS can be like this if his friends are busy. I get mum guilt because I work full time, including, shock horror, during the holidays. So I try to do stuff with him when I'm off. The problem is he expects me never his Dad to plan and organise stuff for him when I'm working. 'Can I have a sleepover tonight?' 'Can so and so stay for dinner?' 'When you're home can I invite everyone I know over to play?' No, no and no!
I get him to help with household stuff with the promise of something good later or the next day.
The holidays are challenging, hard work and exhausting for parents, working or not.

Ohforfox · 07/07/2023 12:00

I have a 9 year old only child also in Scotland so we are on week 2 of the holidays. She also wants attention or activities constantly. I think it's a shame as I remember being out playing morning until night during the summer holidays and she doesn't have a local friend. I have her friends round a lot to stay etc and she's out and about during the week with clubs/family while I'm working. When she tells me she's bored I just say I know, go and find something to do. I ignore the face tripping her & leave her to it. We do plenty!

turnthetoiletpaperroundproperly · 07/07/2023 12:08

Sounds like a duvet day to me! You need ..
a) one awkward moany child ( I am presently using an 11 yr old for this!)
b) Netflix
C) grazing platter of junk (crisps cheese anything)
D) coffee or gin and plently of it for you
Try this, to my surprise it works!
Or baking or making dinner for later with as little supervision as is necessary.

SunnySummerPlease · 07/07/2023 12:10

My DD is exactly the same, her brother is a lot older than her is it is like having an only child, she’s just turned 11.

I’ve booked her in to do a club a couple of days a week for the holidays, we are away for a week & then her Dad’s taking her away for a week. She has lots of local friends in the village within walking distance but I already know I’m in for days upon days of, “what are we doing today?!”.

I really try & let her figure it out, as a child I would spend hours throwing a tennis ball against a wall on my own & knee if I told my Mum I was bored, I’d get a chore to do.

No answers really, just solidarity.

Beginningless · 07/07/2023 12:14

I think as mums we sometimes feel it’s our job to stop our children having to feel negative emotions, but I try to remind myself - how will they grow, mature and develop without having to be pissed off, bored, lonely, hurt, angry on occasions. Lovely answers above.

JMSA · 07/07/2023 12:16

There was a gap between my eldest daughter and her younger sisters.
I always said that I'd created a rod for my own back with how much I played with her Grin She found it difficult to entertain herself. So I think a large part of it is the only child thing.