Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Ex's new partner rant

52 replies

RidiculousRed · 07/07/2023 00:08

Sorry long, rambling post but I wanted to give some context.

I split up with my ex partner almost 2 years ago when our youngest child was only 2 months old. We had been together for nearly 12 years but I finally had enough of his drinking, taking drugs, gambling excessively, not coming home from nights out - I could go on and on. He told me he wasn't going to change and never would and said I knew he liked to drink and do drugs when I met him so why was I expecting him to change.

He has our children one night every other week and will not have them any more because it would be "Doing me a favour!" He also regularly misses maintenance payments.

He's had a new partner for a few months. He met her on holiday and she lives in a different country. She has met our children once - when she came to stay with him and the first time she met them she was staying in the same room as the 1 year old which really angered me.

My ex's mum posted a photo of my youngest on fb this week with a birthday message. It wasn't a great pic so I commented with a very smiley photo saying they'd loved going to playgroup and having happy birthday sung.

Now, my ex's partner has liked the photo I have posted and has commented on the original photo, directly under my comment and also on a photo my child's aunty posted.

I don't know why but this has really got under my skin. She doesn't know my children. She isn't living with their dad so doesn't see them regularly - as i said she's met them once. It's not like she's in a step mum role and has anything to do with them.

Am I being unreasonable in this anger?

I know there is nothing I can do about it. I would look like a petty cow if I messaged her saying "don't comment on photos of my children!". I'd also look like a drama queen if I now unfriend his mum and sister.

I think part of my anger is that he has a new partner because he prioritises himself over the children - he only met her because he didn't see them for several weeks while he was travelling, he can't pay me regularly but paid for a holiday to go and meet up with her.
He was verbally, emotionally, financially and physically abusive to to me during our relationship. Recently, I asked about him paying maintenance and making that a priority over holidays and he told me that I should go and get a new bloke so I could moan at him instead of the ex!

He's a nasty, nasty person and yet he's got a new partner. Does what he wants, when he wants. And while I've been on a couple of different dates, I can't find someone I like enough to move it past seeing them a coulple of times. I don't have the luxury of going travelling and meeting someone. I barely have the time to do 90% of the parenting, work full time and keep up with all the housework let alone make time for dating.

How do I stop feeling so bitter and angry?

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 07/07/2023 00:13

Your are taking your anger out on your ex's new girlfriend. Stop it. She hasn't done anything wrong and it seems she was only trying to be nice.

If you need help dealing with your very justified anger towards your ex, get a therapist. Reading the riot act to this woman will accomplish nothing.

KentuckyFriedChicken83 · 07/07/2023 00:18

Is there a reason why your children are staying with him when he takes drugs and drinks? Is it court ordered?

Regards his new girlfriend, it just sounds like she is trying to be nice and maybe look good to her new partner.

Notimeforaname · 07/07/2023 01:01

Your problem is with him not her. She hasn't done anything wrong.

Mmhmmn · 07/07/2023 01:41

People having argy bargy on or based around Facebook is really not a good look. If you want to better control who can see or comment on photos of your children, change your privacy settings. Personally I don't think children's lives should be plastered all over the internet anyway but that's another thing.

AnObserverInThisDarkWorld · 07/07/2023 01:46

You're angry, understandably, with him but entirely blaming her. She's not to blame and she's just trying to be nice.

Can you go sole custody and cut this waste of space out completely? The DC shouldn't really be there if he's such an abusive, drug addicted ahole

NewNameNigel · 07/07/2023 02:06

If this relationship lasts it is in your and your kids best interest if you are cordial with her.
If you ever need to swap some time around, or there's an emergency where you and your ex can't watch the children you might need her help. The worst thing you could do for the relationship is start it off by sending her arsy messages on Facebook!

NurseEssie · 07/07/2023 02:13

I can completely understand you.
You don't want a random woman so close to your children (making comments on their photos etc.) I know she's not doing anything wrong but I would feel bitter just like you. It's really tough and hard. I have a 1 year old and even with a husband it is hard.

The fact that yours went off and has so much freedom, holidays, new exciting partners...it's not fair. You don't get to do any of that.

It's not fair.

Not much you can do but I emphasise. Maybe try to find comfort that he only sees your child once a week, if it was more often and gf lived with him that would probably grit you more.
X

LordSalem · 07/07/2023 02:54

New girlfriends are a fucking bag of laughs on social media. It doesn't mean a thing.
Happened to me - my daughter in a picture with him and her with the caption "family". Girl in question (aged 19) had just met my daughter for the first time the day the photo was taken. She went on to get pregnant by ex. Within six months of giving birth she'd posted several times about their "family" (which included my daughter as if she was her own) and then about the abuse she and her baby had to deal with and suddenly my daughter was my own again.
Those blinders came off pretty quick after she didn't listen to my advice 🤷🏻‍♀️

NewNameNigel · 07/07/2023 03:01

Happened to me - my daughter in a picture with him and her with the caption "family". Girl in question (aged 19) had just met my daughter for the first time the day the photo was taken. She went on to get pregnant by ex. Within six months of giving birth she'd posted several times about their "family" (which included my daughter as if she was her own

To be fair step mums often get lambasted for not including their partners children in family photos so they can't really win on this one!

Frogpond · 07/07/2023 03:09

Hugs. He is a jerk and you are better off without him. He will probably have a succession of women to play happy family with over the years. Don’t be angry with her, feel sorry for her. You know what is in her future.
You should have cms collect the money, that way he can run up a tab. If he doesn’t prioritise your children that’s on him. You get to be the parent in their memories when they grow up, you get to mum - their world and you in how precious that is. Let him miss this, Because as you know the days are long, but the years are short. It won’t be long until they won’t want to see him and you won’t need to be home as much with them. If it makes you feel better block her on social media so she can’t see what you post.

NewNameNigel · 07/07/2023 03:11

You should have cms collect the money, that way he can run up a tab

If it makes you feel better block her on social media so she can’t see what you post.

This is the best advice on this thread

Thehippowife · 07/07/2023 03:16

Try to reframe this. I’d actually feel sorry for her. She has no idea she is walking on a minefield of your exes “issues” because she does know what he is like yet. She will. Then you’ll have to see her go through what you did. Feel pity not anger.

Fraaahnces · 07/07/2023 03:43

Just get CMS to chase him and ensure that the arrangement you have genuinely covers all the time you have them. Know that your kids will very soon be old enough to see him for what he is - a deadbeat.

Newnamehiwhodis · 07/07/2023 03:52

YABVU. she has done you no harm. Your anger rightly belongs squarely on him. Just give it time, and with some healing, you’ll soon begin to see she’s not the poison here. He is.
In a perfect world, you and she could team up and vent about him. That doesn’t often happen, but I’ve had it happen twice, and it felt so amazing to realize the woman who was going to be the man’s next victim (or was his previous one) was a very awesome person.

Newnamehiwhodis · 07/07/2023 03:53

Ps. I’m more concerned a drug addict and alchoholic gets ANY time with your children :(

Lacucuracha · 07/07/2023 04:30

It’s not worth the aggro, just mute exMIL and in laws and focus on lovely dc.

I would go via CMS for maintenance. Is he on a salary or self-employed?

So glad he is out of your life!

Babsexxx · 07/07/2023 06:01

Why are you angry men like that do not change?!! Be greatfull that he’s someone else’s problem! My friend got with a guy who’s ex tried telling her that he was trouble didn’t go into the ins and outs with my DF as she said in her own words she didn’t want to come across as bitter!

He treated DF perfectly for 3 years in that time and rightfully so she couldn’t understand for the life of her what this woman meant!

Turns out he was a extremely aggressive coc head who frequently had cocaine psychosis episodes that where absolutely terrifying!

Trust me your EX will not change he might well look like he can to impress this new woman but he won’t be able to keep up this act up permanently!

LoisPrice · 07/07/2023 06:06

You need to find a way of making peace with the fact your D.C. dad is a total loser and won’t change.

how you do that, I don’t know.

hiw I did it was to lit

LoisPrice · 07/07/2023 06:08

To make the best of everything I had got at my disposal

so now several years on I do have a decent standard of living, A nice place to call home

he has diddly squat and his D.C. not all mine either, don’t even bother to pick up the phone to him when he calls

noglow · 07/07/2023 06:21

I totally get why you're so annoyed at your ex but all of that has nothing to do with her liking a social media post.

I'd try and think of it as she's trying to fit into the family. Nothing wrong with that. And hopefully with time she might be a positive influence on your child and hopefully your partner. Who knows , only time can tell that. Be civil and she might turn out to be a powerful ally.

crazyaboutcats · 07/07/2023 06:21

Your ex is who and what he is and will do what he has always done.

His partners on the other hand (there will be more) might turn out to be more useful

noglow · 07/07/2023 06:22

And yes - block her.

noglow · 07/07/2023 06:25

LordSalem · 07/07/2023 02:54

New girlfriends are a fucking bag of laughs on social media. It doesn't mean a thing.
Happened to me - my daughter in a picture with him and her with the caption "family". Girl in question (aged 19) had just met my daughter for the first time the day the photo was taken. She went on to get pregnant by ex. Within six months of giving birth she'd posted several times about their "family" (which included my daughter as if she was her own) and then about the abuse she and her baby had to deal with and suddenly my daughter was my own again.
Those blinders came off pretty quick after she didn't listen to my advice 🤷🏻‍♀️

She was 19.

She probably thought she was supposed to treat the child like her own.

and then about the abuse she and her baby had to deal with and suddenly my daughter was my own again. hopefully because she was trying to get out the relationship? I mean this seems a mean point - you didn't want her calling your child family and then when she didn't you weren't happy with that either.

curtaintwitcher23 · 07/07/2023 06:35

I can understand the irritation, can you soft block ex's family to stop torturing yourself.
FWIW I'd say be very grateful the GF lives abroad and isn't a part of your kids lives or trying to play the showboat step mummy or egging your ex on to suddenly acting the Disney dad or perfect dad to a new gf's kids etc.
In a series of bad events for you this really is a blessing.

💯 go through CMS for maintenance and try to make peace with being a lone parent rather than a lifetime of disappointment at how shit a person/ Dad he is.

GeriatricMumma · 07/07/2023 06:36

I had this with my ex partner - he didn't see the kids more than once per year and paid nothing.

I ignored any Facebook comments. She soon got wise and left him too.

I don't have anything to do with him now and I don't get any child maintenance (I cancelled it as he kept not paying)

Massive weight off my shoulders to be honest.