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Original poster

Ex's new partner rant

52 replies

RidiculousRed · 07/07/2023 00:08

Sorry long, rambling post but I wanted to give some context.

I split up with my ex partner almost 2 years ago when our youngest child was only 2 months old. We had been together for nearly 12 years but I finally had enough of his drinking, taking drugs, gambling excessively, not coming home from nights out - I could go on and on. He told me he wasn't going to change and never would and said I knew he liked to drink and do drugs when I met him so why was I expecting him to change.

He has our children one night every other week and will not have them any more because it would be "Doing me a favour!" He also regularly misses maintenance payments.

He's had a new partner for a few months. He met her on holiday and she lives in a different country. She has met our children once - when she came to stay with him and the first time she met them she was staying in the same room as the 1 year old which really angered me.

My ex's mum posted a photo of my youngest on fb this week with a birthday message. It wasn't a great pic so I commented with a very smiley photo saying they'd loved going to playgroup and having happy birthday sung.

Now, my ex's partner has liked the photo I have posted and has commented on the original photo, directly under my comment and also on a photo my child's aunty posted.

I don't know why but this has really got under my skin. She doesn't know my children. She isn't living with their dad so doesn't see them regularly - as i said she's met them once. It's not like she's in a step mum role and has anything to do with them.

Am I being unreasonable in this anger?

I know there is nothing I can do about it. I would look like a petty cow if I messaged her saying "don't comment on photos of my children!". I'd also look like a drama queen if I now unfriend his mum and sister.

I think part of my anger is that he has a new partner because he prioritises himself over the children - he only met her because he didn't see them for several weeks while he was travelling, he can't pay me regularly but paid for a holiday to go and meet up with her.
He was verbally, emotionally, financially and physically abusive to to me during our relationship. Recently, I asked about him paying maintenance and making that a priority over holidays and he told me that I should go and get a new bloke so I could moan at him instead of the ex!

He's a nasty, nasty person and yet he's got a new partner. Does what he wants, when he wants. And while I've been on a couple of different dates, I can't find someone I like enough to move it past seeing them a coulple of times. I don't have the luxury of going travelling and meeting someone. I barely have the time to do 90% of the parenting, work full time and keep up with all the housework let alone make time for dating.

How do I stop feeling so bitter and angry?

OP posts:
malificent7 · 07/07/2023 06:42

The only reason i would contact her is to warn him what a massive shit bag he is But she won't listen.

MargotMoo · 07/07/2023 06:48

You are angry with him, not her, and rightfully so. You are also likely angry with yourself- you knew who he was after all. I’ve been there, and it helped me to recognise that, especially before starting to date again. This waste of space has had 12 years of your energy. Don’t give him (and the future stream of girlfriends, who are no more fooled than you were) any more.

Knockmealdowns · 07/07/2023 07:02

Take consolation that your children will grow and be kind people who understand mom works to care for them. My kids have gotten easier as they get older.. you can ask him not to post pics on Facebook of the kids, but then you can’t either.. you re doing great, ignore him and his passing fancy. And keep your kids home if he’s drinking and doing drugs.. and if you’re not 100 sure they are safe there.

Stressfordays · 07/07/2023 07:13

These women always go in hard trying to look like a 'doting stepmum', it never lasts. Just laugh at her (in private) for being so silly and carry on living your life. I was bitter and angry for 2 years, it was awful. I wish I'd of let go and let it all run its course. It would have been a lot less painful for me.

Original poster
RidiculousRed · 07/07/2023 07:14

I would never contact her. I know he's got his mask on and is presenting himself as such a great dad and boyfriend. Probably told her I'm mental and that he wants to see the kids more but I won't let him. I feel sorry for her that she thinks he is a catch! Couldn't be further from the truth.

OP posts:
Twiglets1 · 07/07/2023 07:19

It’s not this woman’s fault is it? You’re angry with him but it’s coming out as anger at her too.

Try to just feel sorry for the poor cow. She is in a relationship with an awful man though doesn’t realise it yet.

LanaDelReyGigChauffer · 07/07/2023 07:23

NewNameNigel · 07/07/2023 02:06

If this relationship lasts it is in your and your kids best interest if you are cordial with her.
If you ever need to swap some time around, or there's an emergency where you and your ex can't watch the children you might need her help. The worst thing you could do for the relationship is start it off by sending her arsy messages on Facebook!

@NewNameNigel

Did you even read the OP's post?

what's the ex's new 'partner' going to do? Watch them via video??

Hibiscrubbed · 07/07/2023 07:27

Have you made a proper CMS claim? And is the access court ordered? Does he drink and take drugs around the children?

Mabmabdwarf · 07/07/2023 07:29

Aquamarine1029 · 07/07/2023 00:13

Your are taking your anger out on your ex's new girlfriend. Stop it. She hasn't done anything wrong and it seems she was only trying to be nice.

If you need help dealing with your very justified anger towards your ex, get a therapist. Reading the riot act to this woman will accomplish nothing.

This.

Original poster
RidiculousRed · 07/07/2023 07:34

I am angry with him - incredibly angry that he constantly prioritises himself and I bare the brunt of this. I am angry with myself for feeling this way. I'm upset that I have let this get under my skin. But I don't understand why she is commenting when she's met them once. If she saw them regularly I'd understand it. I wouldn't dream of commenting on photos of a partner's children until I had an established relationship with them (and knew their mum). I'm not going to message her but I just don't like it.

OP posts:
GeriatricMumma · 07/07/2023 07:40

@RidiculousRed

I really do get why you are so mad.

She is probably just trying to be nice - I know you don't want to hear that. There will be no malice in it towards you at all.

I'd imagine he's probably constantly pretending to be a good day and tells her all about the kids / shows her pics and videos so she probably feels as if she knows them.

But this really isn't her fault (or yours and remember that).

This is his mess - but you can't say anything or you will be the bad guy.

Best thing is to ignore her or block - that way you won't let it get to you.

Kids soon learn who the shit parent is - and it won't be you.

Twiglets1 · 07/07/2023 07:42

RidiculousRed · 07/07/2023 07:34

I am angry with him - incredibly angry that he constantly prioritises himself and I bare the brunt of this. I am angry with myself for feeling this way. I'm upset that I have let this get under my skin. But I don't understand why she is commenting when she's met them once. If she saw them regularly I'd understand it. I wouldn't dream of commenting on photos of a partner's children until I had an established relationship with them (and knew their mum). I'm not going to message her but I just don't like it.

She was being a bit inappropriate on commenting on the photo, I agree. But it wasn’t a big thing. Your anger should be reserved for him.

Gymtastic · 07/07/2023 07:46

Your responses show you’re still focused on her. She isn’t the issue and it’s a sweet thing to do to comment on your partners kids photo, she’s done nothing wrong.

you need to try to turn your mind away from her, you’re bitter, angry and resentful due to your situation, you need to try to work your way through that, stop focusing on his new girlfriend,

Brefugee · 07/07/2023 07:49

Block or unfriend them all on fb. If you comment on someone's post, any of their friends can see it. If you either block, or don't reply, they can't see.

go through CMS for maintenance.

Contact? not sure i'd want my kids staying over with a man like that, but that's your choice. You can't force him to see them so that's something you're going to have to come to terms with.

Only communicate with him about the children by email. Block all other methods except phone for emergencies only.

kweeble · 07/07/2023 08:00

It is not his new partners fault he’s so useless - they may actually be safer if she’s around. Maybe limit what you see on social media if it gets you so worked up?
You were right to leave him and it must be difficult; don’t let your ex ruin it for you now. You have a lot to look forward to - life should become easier.

Parky04 · 07/07/2023 08:00

Mabmabdwarf · 07/07/2023 07:29

This.

Show quote history

"very justified anger towards your ex" the OP had a child with an alcoholic and a drug addict. He never lied about who he was. Yes, the ex sounds like a twat, but irresponsible decisions have consequences, and to be angry with a woman who posted a nice message on Facebook, is quite frankly ridiculous and irrational.

Honeychickpea · 07/07/2023 12:49

Stressfordays · 07/07/2023 07:13

These women always go in hard trying to look like a 'doting stepmum', it never lasts. Just laugh at her (in private) for being so silly and carry on living your life. I was bitter and angry for 2 years, it was awful. I wish I'd of let go and let it all run its course. It would have been a lot less painful for me.

These women?🤔

howdoesyourgardengrowinmay · 07/07/2023 12:54

Mmhmmn · 07/07/2023 01:41

People having argy bargy on or based around Facebook is really not a good look. If you want to better control who can see or comment on photos of your children, change your privacy settings. Personally I don't think children's lives should be plastered all over the internet anyway but that's another thing.

Facebook postings were on mil page, so presumably new gf is FB friend with mil. OP can't control mil FB postings.

howdoesyourgardengrowinmay · 07/07/2023 12:57

RidiculousRed · 07/07/2023 07:34

I am angry with him - incredibly angry that he constantly prioritises himself and I bare the brunt of this. I am angry with myself for feeling this way. I'm upset that I have let this get under my skin. But I don't understand why she is commenting when she's met them once. If she saw them regularly I'd understand it. I wouldn't dream of commenting on photos of a partner's children until I had an established relationship with them (and knew their mum). I'm not going to message her but I just don't like it.

Her comments are for the benefit of the ex and his family, trying to ingratiate herself. I wouldn't take any notice of it.

Mabmabdwarf · 07/07/2023 13:51

RidiculousRed · 07/07/2023 07:34

I am angry with him - incredibly angry that he constantly prioritises himself and I bare the brunt of this. I am angry with myself for feeling this way. I'm upset that I have let this get under my skin. But I don't understand why she is commenting when she's met them once. If she saw them regularly I'd understand it. I wouldn't dream of commenting on photos of a partner's children until I had an established relationship with them (and knew their mum). I'm not going to message her but I just don't like it.

You do realise that she never needs to establish a relationship or even get to know you?

You knew what your ex was like when you got with him. You decide to carry on and have a child by him.

You only have yourself to blame.

This women is the least of your problems.

Original poster
RidiculousRed · 07/07/2023 17:08

I didn't know what he was like when I first met him. He is an expert at putting on a great show of being the life and soul of the party, loving and kind. It wasn't until we were living together and I was pregnant that he started going out and staying out. He manipulated me for years and threatened me if I did leave him. It took a lot for me to actually end the relationship.

But I agree that the new partner is the least of my problems. Was the straw that broke the camel's back this week though. Trying to deal with a child with adhd and autism, a toddler that doesn't sleep through the night, having a parent that's just finished cancer treatment - I could keep going on. I'm barely keeping my head above water.

I'll try and chanel your cut throat, black and white view of the world and heap even more guilt on myself as I only have myself to blame.

OP posts:
Backstreets · 07/07/2023 17:14

Some people treat social media very lightly - she probably didn’t think much about it at all. I get it’s not about that though but all the other indignities that deadbeat heaped on you. Women are amazingly resilient- but it’s grim we have to be. He should be a better man.

Original poster
RidiculousRed · 07/07/2023 17:23

He has told me he will quit his job and get a cash in hand job if I mention child support any more.

I don't have any evidence that he is drinking or taking drugs when the kids are there. I was told by social services they can only get involved if I have evidence.

OP posts:
Starlightstarbright2 · 07/07/2023 17:27

Unless self employed go to cms … no point having the conversation .

by the sounds of him the least contact he has the better . Be greatful he doesn’t fight to spend more time .

your last post you are extremely worn out . Be kind to yourself - she is nobody … there will be lots of nobody’s . Don’t take it out on her every thing else that is going on

ManateeFair · 07/07/2023 17:28

With respect, you are focusing all your anger on one, tiny, utterly inconsequential thing.

It means absolutely fuck-all that your ex's girlfriend has liked/commented on a social media post. She's scrolling Facebook, she's seen a picture of her boyfriend's child, who she has met, and she's thought 'Aw, what a cute picture of Boyfriend's Child'. So what? It means nothing. Commenting on a photo of a child doesn't mean she thinks she's their stepmother. She's not staking a claim on them by hitting the Like button.

You are absolutely entitled to be angry with your ex, because he treated you like shit, doesn't see enough of his child and misses maintenance payments. He's clearly an awful man. But that isn't his girlfriend's fault and it is not rational to channel all your anger at your ex into a perfectly normal, innocent and casual social media post from his new partner.

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