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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU for continuing to make plans to emigrate without my boyfriend?

58 replies

joeycake · 06/07/2023 21:51

Before I met my boyfriend, I had plans to emigrate in 2024 but wanted to take this year to save and build up experience in my current job. One of the first things I told my boyfriend when we first met was my plans to travel and emigrate, and he said that he had no intentions to travel or emigrate. We weren’t serious and had no intentions of becoming an official couple so this wasn’t a big deal!

However, feelings grew and we eventually became an official couple… One of our first conversations as a couple was what would happen when I emigrate, and we mutually agreed that we would break up (he was first to suggest this) but would enjoy our time together now. I continued to save and plan my travels and emigration, organising visas, itineraries, along with everything else that comes up a big move (solo as per plan)!

I was love bombed at the beginning of our “friendship” (with benefits) and as soon as my boyfriend “had” me, the loveliness was very quick to stop. He has tried to manipulate me and situations but I’m passive of this. I am slowly realising he is not the person I initially thought he was as more stories about who he was and what he done has come to light i.e. getting into physical fights in the past over his ex (very jealous character) and he’s the carbon copy of everything I hate about my dad. I feel relief we won’t be together forever, but enjoy the good days too much to walk away before I move.

He recently told me he wants to come along. I explained that I made this plan before him and was open about that since day one. He knows I have family to reconnect with abroad, and really wanted that time to be free and “find myself” (utter cringe, but I’m in my early twenties and still figuring “it” out) and that he is not apart of that plan.

Of course, he was upset and a bit erratic (understandably) and thought I would have loved him enough that I would’ve been jumping up and down when he said that to me. I encouraged him to travel regardless and that just because I said we couldn’t go together, does not mean that he couldn’t go and this kind of eased things. I told him that if he no longer felt the same way about our relationship arrangement, I would understand if he wanted to breakup and he said that he rather see it out than lose things now.

I’ve decided to leave sooner than anticipated and have my flight booked. I probably won’t tell him until closer to the time incase he books a flight (he would be the type).

AIBU?

OP posts:
Iknowthis1 · 06/07/2023 23:56

This relationship doesn't sound good for either of you.

You are using him as a temporary escape. You are planning on letting him think that you leaving is the reason for breaking up when the real reason is that you don't much like him as a person.

Do the right thing and break up now, like a gown up.

YellowMonday · 07/07/2023 04:45

getting into physical fights in the past over his ex (very jealous character) and he’s the carbon copy of everything I hate about my dad.

Leave him now. You are in a toxic and violent relationship.

W1h · 07/07/2023 04:59

You need to break up with him. You're being really unfair to him when it's obvious he is more invested in you than you him to just string him along because he's convenient to you. Unless you're being really explicit about him going travelling to places other than where you're moving, you're also giving him mixed messages saying he should go traveling just not emigrate with you

Lacucuracha · 07/07/2023 05:16

I don’t know why people are telling OP she is being unfair to him. She has said he’s manipulative, so I say fair play to OP if she wants to see him until he leaves.

The BF has known the deal from the start, no one is being unfair to him.

MrsTerryPratchett · 07/07/2023 05:23

Lacucuracha · 07/07/2023 05:16

I don’t know why people are telling OP she is being unfair to him. She has said he’s manipulative, so I say fair play to OP if she wants to see him until he leaves.

The BF has known the deal from the start, no one is being unfair to him.

She says he's manipulative but we know she is. Because stringing someone along and lying to them is manipulative.

I suspect OP has some pretty major stuff to work on in herself, hence the emigration and travelling. A first step isn't getting on a plane, it's changing what she does. Otherwise wherever she goes, there she will be. There are arseholes in Canada too.

lilacsinbloom · 07/07/2023 05:26

I think knowing you want to dump him, and knowing you definitely don't want him following you to Canada, and keeping him around for weekend activities in the interim - regardles of how 'manipulative' he may be - is really off.

Lacucuracha · 07/07/2023 07:17

MrsTerryPratchett · 07/07/2023 05:23

She says he's manipulative but we know she is. Because stringing someone along and lying to them is manipulative.

I suspect OP has some pretty major stuff to work on in herself, hence the emigration and travelling. A first step isn't getting on a plane, it's changing what she does. Otherwise wherever she goes, there she will be. There are arseholes in Canada too.

Show quote history

But they’ve always said that they would break up when OP emigrates, and OP has been clear she doesn’t want him to come with her.

She isn’t making any promises to him.

lovemelongtime · 07/07/2023 07:23

You're creating more potential problems by stringing him along. Just break it off now or you might well end up with some extra unwanted baggage and it would probably serve you right to be honest.

Be true to yourself and honest with him.

Rewis · 07/07/2023 07:57

Curseofthenation · 06/07/2023 21:58

Is this the boyfriend with the filthy house? It's very similar OP to a recent one.

Either way, I would just dump him now. It will make the build up to your travels a lot more relaxed and exciting. He's obviously not future long-term partner/husband material. You don't really want him following you out there...

That was it! I was wondering what this reminded me off

billy1966 · 07/07/2023 08:08

OP, be very careful.

Give no hint, nor pub name of where you are going.

He sounds awful.

Your need to be out of your family home is clearly influencing you.

Consider doing the www.freedomprogramme.co.uk before you leave.

Growing up with a poor role model of a father makes you very vulnerable to abusive relationships.

The above course will help.

Look up The Shark Cage analogy and the boiled frog analogy as how it applies to relationships.

Do the work now to help you stay safe.

This guy is not good, so be very careful.

This is not someone you want in your life.

The Freedom Programme. Learn about domestic violence and abuse

The Freedom Programme. For women who want to learn more about the reality of domestic violence and abuse

http://www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

GreenMini · 07/07/2023 08:13

Break up with him now, clearly and cleanly. He is less likely to follow you.
You are using him and not being fair if you're not being completely honest about your intended repertoire.

Mapples · 07/07/2023 08:17

Don't string him along because it suits you, that's horrible and pathetic. Dump him and move on.

EggInANest · 07/07/2023 08:46

You make him out to be the baddie here, but you are using him.

Whatever his faults (and I have no doubt he has serious ‘end it’ worthy faults) he has become emotionally attached to you. You are both too cowardly to end it yourself (trying to engineer him to end it was bad) and find him too convenient for fun and distraction to let him go.

Maybe start your ‘finding yourself’ journey by being honest with yourself and with him?

End it now. Emigrate with no baggage of worrying he will follow, angsty messages etc.

Equalitea · 07/07/2023 08:47

I think you need to end things now. It sounds like you’re stringing him along because you want to use him at weekends. That’s not kind.

Lacucuracha · 07/07/2023 08:53

EggInANest · 07/07/2023 08:46

You make him out to be the baddie here, but you are using him.

Whatever his faults (and I have no doubt he has serious ‘end it’ worthy faults) he has become emotionally attached to you. You are both too cowardly to end it yourself (trying to engineer him to end it was bad) and find him too convenient for fun and distraction to let him go.

Maybe start your ‘finding yourself’ journey by being honest with yourself and with him?

End it now. Emigrate with no baggage of worrying he will follow, angsty messages etc.

How is she using him if they’ve both agreed they will break up when she emigrates and she’s told him she doesn’t want him to come with her?

whumpthereitis · 07/07/2023 08:59

I really don’t see how she’s using him or stringing him along. She told him from the start that this was the plan, and has been honest with him about wanting to go separate ways when he proposed emigrating with her.

He’s a grown man that knows where he stands, she isn’t lying to him or forcing him to stay with her.

Babsexxx · 07/07/2023 09:48

Girllllll I’d be doing a midnight flit tbh! Send a single message saying apologies I needed to leave sooner than anticipated have a nice life.

billy1966 · 07/07/2023 10:01

whumpthereitis · 07/07/2023 08:59

I really don’t see how she’s using him or stringing him along. She told him from the start that this was the plan, and has been honest with him about wanting to go separate ways when he proposed emigrating with her.

He’s a grown man that knows where he stands, she isn’t lying to him or forcing him to stay with her.

This.

She was clear from the get go.

Unlike him who love bombed her and hid that he is a controlling manipulative arse.

Curseofthenation · 07/07/2023 10:05

I really don't see how the OP is stringing him along. She's been completely upfront TWICE that she plans to emigrate alone. She made a small mistake when she said he could still emigrate on his own but really, she's just stating a fact.

She should leave the relationship because he sounds like a shit partner that will try to manipulate her and drag her down right up until she gets on a plane.

AdoraBell · 07/07/2023 10:07

Go. Leave the excess baggage behind, you don’t need to drag it around for life.

Aprilx · 07/07/2023 10:08

Just end it, I don’t know why you haven’t already.

amylou8 · 07/07/2023 10:24

Can you get a flight sooner, leave without telling him, send him a final text from the airport, then block him on everything. That's what I'd do because he sounds like he's going to cause you bother.

Nordicrain · 07/07/2023 10:26

Just dump him and get on with your life. Don't wait to leave to tell him it's over or he will think it's just due to the distance and pursue you. It's also a bit mean on him (as much of an ass as he sounds).

ManateeFair · 07/07/2023 10:29

YANBU to emigrate without him. He sounds absolutely awful and you've made it clear to him all along that this was your intention.

YABU not to simply dump him now. It's fucking weird to say you'll be relieved to be rid of him, but also that you want to keep seeing him up until you actually leave the country. Just rip the plaster off and stop fannying about.