AIBU for continuing to make plans to emigrate without my boyfriend?

[joeycake]

Before I met my boyfriend, I had plans to emigrate in 2024 but wanted to take this year to save and build up experience in my current job. One of the first things I told my boyfriend when we first met was my plans to travel and emigrate, and he said that he had no intentions to travel or emigrate. We weren’t serious and had no intentions of becoming an official couple so this wasn’t a big deal!

However, feelings grew and we eventually became an official couple… One of our first conversations as a couple was what would happen when I emigrate, and we mutually agreed that we would break up (he was first to suggest this) but would enjoy our time together now. I continued to save and plan my travels and emigration, organising visas, itineraries, along with everything else that comes up a big move (solo as per plan)!

I was love bombed at the beginning of our “friendship” (with benefits) and as soon as my boyfriend “had” me, the loveliness was very quick to stop. He has tried to manipulate me and situations but I’m passive of this. I am slowly realising he is not the person I initially thought he was as more stories about who he was and what he done has come to light i.e. getting into physical fights in the past over his ex (very jealous character) and he’s the carbon copy of everything I hate about my dad. I feel relief we won’t be together forever, but enjoy the good days too much to walk away before I move.

He recently told me he wants to come along. I explained that I made this plan before him and was open about that since day one. He knows I have family to reconnect with abroad, and really wanted that time to be free and “find myself” (utter cringe, but I’m in my early twenties and still figuring “it” out) and that he is not apart of that plan.

Of course, he was upset and a bit erratic (understandably) and thought I would have loved him enough that I would’ve been jumping up and down when he said that to me. I encouraged him to travel regardless and that just because I said we couldn’t go together, does not mean that he couldn’t go and this kind of eased things. I told him that if he no longer felt the same way about our relationship arrangement, I would understand if he wanted to breakup and he said that he rather see it out than lose things now.

I’ve decided to leave sooner than anticipated and have my flight booked. I probably won’t tell him until closer to the time incase he books a flight (he would be the type).

AIBU?

Why don’t you just dump him? Honestly he sounds awful…

You sound well rid

Sounds like he would ruin your trip.
You are far too young to be tied down to someone who already does your head in.
Go and live your life xx

Run away baby girl. Have a great time

Are you the same Irish girl with the terrible mammy's boy older boyfriend?

If so, I think you'll find most people's advice hasn't changed between now and about a fortnight ago.

Is this the boyfriend with the filthy house? It's very similar OP to a recent one.

Either way, I would just dump him now. It will make the build up to your travels a lot more relaxed and exciting. He's obviously not future long-term partner/husband material. You don't really want him following you out there...

Rip off the plaster. Just dump him, and travel/ move when you’re ready

Ditch him now. He sounds incredibly unpleasant.

Funnily enough I thought about it but it was my older sister who told me to hang in there until I move. He provides an escape from my own household at the weekends (he is fully aware of this) and I have gotten used to our routine together as a couple on the weekends.

We both enjoy doing similar things (that my friends don’t) so it’s nice to have a companion to do these things with and explore my own country a little more before I make the big move. We actively try to see and do more knowing I’ll be leaving.

The good days are great, truly great, and there’s more of these days than bad. I take the bad days with a pinch of salt because I know I won’t be with him forever hence why I’m fairly passive over his attempts to manipulate me, it goes in one ear and out the other!

You are being ridiculous.

you have a flight booked you have to tell him. If he buys a flight too, good luck to him. You won’t be in the same accommodation as you won’t tell him where you are going when you arrive. You will reconnect with family and do you have a job?

he can follow if he wants but be clear he is single as are you…. He won’t hang around long.

ignore your sister though and just get it done now. You don’t love hi. He’s just a weekend stay over for you and that isn’t fair on him

Get yourself gone!! He sounds the type that the more detail he has about your plans, the more likely he is to attempt to scupper them. How soon are you planning to leave, and can you get away with being quite non-committal about plans, destinations, dates etc?
I mean, the ideal situation is to just break up now, but if he's this erratic you don't want to draw any drama to yourself just before you go..
(Not that the drama would be your fault in the slightest!!! It's awful that you should even have to consider it at what should be such an exciting time, but some men are dangerous when rejected and even though it's shit to have to work around him, it's better to be safe than right sometimes.)

He lives in a shared apartment and they have a cleaner who comes once-twice a week so it’s well kept and a new build. He doesn’t do his dishes (housemate does but only his own) & he doesn’t take out his own private bins because he reckons that’s what he pays the cleaner for 🙈

It always irritated my watching Wanted Down Under when one of the couples had always intended to emigrate then met someone why never wanted to live more than 20 minutes from their family. Giving up a whole dream of a life. Such a massive compromise. I'd say go, follow your dream.

Is he the one that is lazy and filthy to the point where his house is making you ill?

YABU not to just dump him now. You hate half his personality, he is violent and manipulative i.e. abusive, and you tolerate this because of the odd good moment?

You know this relationship is all wrong or youd be wanting to take him with you. It's an absolute shit show to the point where you dont even want to tell him when you're leaving.

Split up and enjoy the last few weeks exploring on your own - it will increase your confidence for doing this in a new country.

And see if you can arrange some sort of therapy for when you get there to help you make better choices next time

I don’t think anyone can go from not wanting to move to genuinely wanting to move all of a sudden. I’m off to Canada and the idea of the weather didn’t appeal to him, and I mentioned travelling South America (with friends already in Canada) and he thought it would be too dangerous.

I have family in Canada, they own a pub, and I can work there if I wanted but I also have a qualification recognised over there & can transfer over to an office there (hence the sooner move). He doesn’t have anything that would stand to him and joked about getting a job in the family pub… I’d die!

Yanbu. Lucky escape. Don't let yourself be fooled ..

Surely part of 'finding yourself' is taking stock of your life and owning it.
Your boyfriend doesn't sound great, but then neither do you. I can't believe you're going to string him along for a bit longer because it's more convenient for you. How utterly selfish.

Dump him and move on, and don’t give him any details about your trip.

You need to just leave and not give him any details about where you are going. I think he would definitely follow and he sounds like a right weirdo.

I can see you wanting to have your escape and your companion, but if I were you I still think I'd break with him at least 30 days before my departure date. It will give you time to relax and regroup yourself and get used to being 'on your own'. And for any last minute chores and rushing around that may come up.

Plus I think I'd like at least 30 days to say 'goodbye' to friends and family (without a bf in tow) and make last visits to my favourite places on my own to enjoy them in solitude.

It would be wise to dump him now, but if you don’t then at least don’t let him attempt to baby trap you.

Actually, I think it's a bit mean of you to stay with him when you plan to go. Just get rid now and get your head in the right place for leaving.

I think you should dump him. If it was the other way around would you like to be strung along?

Also FYI you have some very outing details in this and the good ole daily mail like to pick up some of these and use them for articles!

He sounds like the kind of man you should have broken up with whether you were going or not, and your plan is very wise. Happy travels! Once you're on the road you'll forget all about him and his bullshit.

Yes, that a horrible thing to do to someone