Advice please - coercive control?

[rosesarentred3]

I'll start by saying if anyone recognises me from other threads I've created under a different name, please do not put those links on this post as all the info added together would make me easily identifiable to friends and family.

After being in my marriage for 10 years, I can see now that I believe my partner is controlling. I see a therapist who feel strongly that this is happening.

There are too many examples to list but I'll list a few:

Starting random arguments about my family out of nowhere, it literally could be anything. Then DP says to me 'see, look, we're arguing because of them, look at what they're doing to us! We shouldn't have contact with them'. This is about various family members and friends. DP has fallen out with many members of my family so it's awkward to see them.

If I leave a wrapper on the side, DP will be annoyed at me, tell me off, go on and on at me about it. But then does the same herself. If I said something she'd go mad.
The other week I said one night that I was going for a shower abr her response was 'does this kitchen look clean to you? Can you honestly say this is clean? Clean the kitchen before you have a shower'.

Saying what clothes to wear and not wear. I put on some summer pants and DP says 'you really look big in them. Honestly, if you're conscious about your weight I wouldn't wear those, they make you look massive'. I'm a size 10. Not that that matters.

My work is extremely confidential. DP will ask me for confidential information about my work saying 'if you don't tell me then you don't trust me' and will badger me about it and eventually not speak to me for long periods of time because I haven't divulged information.

Tells me regularly I wouldn't survive without her. What would I do without her? How did I manage before? etc.

My confidence is so low. I rarely see my friends. I've lost loads of friends since is being together.
DP told me when we first got together that some of my friends who I saw all the time had been speaking about me behind my back saying awful things and made sure we broke ties with them so I don't see any of them anymore.

Will get really mad at my family and say it's just because she's trying to protect me. Even though there's nothing to protect me from.

We have a child. When I was pregnant she insisted that she take the shared parental leave because I'd had enough time to bond with the baby while I was pregnant so it was now her turn. So I returned to work after having the baby. I cried to dp and said I really wanted to be with the baby and couldn't bear the thought of leaving her. But this just turned into an arguments where DP would cry saying she wanted time off with the baby.
A part of me felt like it was the right thing to do because DP continuously told me I wouldn't manage on my own, that I'd probably forget to do what I needed to do with the baby etc. and I really started to worry that would be true and agreed for her to take the leave instead.

Anyway - what I wonder is, what do I do now? I feel like I can't be in this relationship. I don't feel loved. I haven't ever felt loved in this relationship. Do I just leave? In which case this means selling the house and sorting shared custody etc.

Do I try to spend some time building my confidence first? Making friends? Going out more? Meeting people?
I'm always at home. I work at home. Then when I'm not working, I'm always with DP to the point where I now feel extreme anxiety whenever I go somewhere without DP.

Today I was planning a day with DC. DP then started a big argument with me, slagging of my family again etc.
however, I came out.
Is it completely pathetic that I feel chuffed with myself for coming out? I wasn't as anxious as I usually am. Years ago, I wouldn't have batted an eye at coming out on my own.

It all feels such a mess.

Agree with all of this.

She doesn't love your DC as a normal parent loves a child. For her, your DC is two things:

1. A tool she uses to control and manipulate you.
2. The next person on her list for control and manipulation as soon as DC is old enough.

Even if you move into a sodding Travelodge, you need to get away with your baby.

Agree, I've been on this forum a number of years now and have read some horror stories, but the level of abuse you and your child have faced, OP, from this monster is by far one of the worst examples of domestic violence I've read on here. My blood ran cold at the thought of a baby being taken from it's mother who is then forced back to work. That is unimaginable cruelty for you and your child. I hope you are able to get you and your precious child out of there soon, OP, and would encourage you to follow Billy's advice.

Pps are right. Ir might seem like it to you but she doesn't actually care about the child. Your baby is just a possession to her. Your partner may have convinced you otherwise but she is literally incapable of having a normal, living relationship with another human being especially an impressionable, innocent baby. I followed your other thread too and your partner is sick. I wouldn't be surprised if she got bored of your DC once you break free from her. She doesn't love your child like you do and she won't kill herself over this, that's a promise.

I mean, she could have seen the baby every day for the next 18 years if she had just been nicer to you then you wouldn't have to separate! She brought this on herself by making your life insufferable.

And you are also sacrificing your 100% custody by separating, because of HER, so how dare she play the victim here.

Last night was horrendous. She said she wanted to talk and kept asking if I wanted to separate. I told her i do.

She was upset and then angry and then upset again.

She said if we are not going to be together then she doesn't want a relationship with DC and she wants me to have full custody as she only wants to bring her up together or not at all.

She kept saying sorry for all the times she's been angry with me and says she knows she flies off the handle with me

Then she said she wants to see DC all the time and I'm taking her away from her.

She keeps asking me to go to couples Counselling. I've been asking for that for years and she's always said no but now she's saying she wants this

Then she told me if we break up she will have to have the dog put to sleep. Then telling me that I hadn't thought that bit through. Even though there would be no reason to have him put to sleep.

She said she was going to go and kill herself right now. She got ready to go to the car and then changed her mind and came back.

I was trying to sleep and she keeps making loud noises, tapping me on the back and putting the light on etc. so I haven't been able to sleep.

I'm able to type this because I'm feeding the DC in a different room.

Tonight has been horrendous. I can't imagine it getting much better. I am truly exhausted. Especially as this has been 2 nights in a row. As last night she kept on and on at me and wouldn't let me sleep.

she won’t kill herself it’s all a set of her twisted agenda: she is hoping that you will not call her bluff but instead fall prey to whatever worst case scenarios she can muster up: the objective being to keep you EXACTLY in the hell you are.

she is highly unstable.

So sorry that you are in this awful situation. As I know myself the hardest thing to do is also the only thing to do and that is to leave. Quietly developing the to confidence to trust your own instincts now is vital as well as equipping yourself with skills to become more pre-emptive in that you anticipate what is coming next so as to begin to protect yourself and your child.

I know I’m very late to this thread but I just wanted to start off by saying how brave you are and how proud of yourself you should be. You’re doing absolutely everything right and protecting your baby from growing up in a toxic and unstable home environment because protecting yourself will be protecting her. I can’t offer you any legal advice but I also had an abusive and controlling ex who would threaten to kill themselves whenever I tried to leave. Thankfully no DC together. In the end I had to say to them calmly and clearly “If you are seriously considering making an attempt on your life I’m going to have to contact the Police for the safety of yourself and mine and in your case DC because you’re not emotionally stable and need professional intervention to prevent harm”. Also I must stress if you need to do it then do it also secretly record if you can. You really need to turn the table on this woman and show her you know how unfit she is because your DC is a baby and she’s already manipulating them and causing attachment anxiety (waving bye for a reaction). This is without the trauma of growing up in an abusive household. Everything she says and does screams mental instability she obviously isn’t fit to take care of your child and she is terrified because inside she knows this and knows that you are perfectly capable of providing a wonderful and safe home for your child away from her control. Good luck, please believe in yourself and when your courage wavers look into the face of your beautiful baby because that’s who you are fighting for not just yourself. You can also look into getting a non molestation order and report your concerns about her behaviour to social services.

Dear Op, I am so impressed with how far you have come. I have been reading your posts through all the name changes and you’ve gone from ‘paralysed in the headlights’ to taking steps, to getting advice, to confiding in a friend and having somewhere to escape to, to remaining calm in her deliberate attempts to derail you. I am so amazed and impressed in your strength. You are wonderful.

Next time she threatens suicide call the police.

Make a record of it.

Calling the police is a completely sensible reaction to a suicide threat.

Saying she'll have the dog killed if you leave is just shocking, a classic abuser move. As is preventing you from sleeping.

Stay strong OP.

In terms of therapy/ couples counselling you might want to consider going to counselling together, not with the aim or reunification but with the aim of getting advice about making the separation and coparenting work as well as possible, and keeping her focused on DC's best interests.

It would make her somewhat accountable for her behaviour as well, as a professional would be telling her that her current behaviour is not acceptable.

Couples counselling with abusers is never recommended, in any situation. This is not someone who is going to be amenable to agreeing with a counsellor how to manage a separation, that is very clear.

OP, you're in a dangerous situation now. You've told her you want to leave but without having any exit plan in place. Her behaviour now is exactly why so many posters on this thread advised you against doing that. I'm not saying that to berate you, but to hopefully nudge you into taking some concrete action today. You can't go through another night of this, and she's escalating, so it will get worse and worse.

She's threatening herself, she's now threatening pets...who is next?

Phone in sick today. First thing call Women's Aid, tell them exactly what you've written here. I think you need to ask about a refuge. If they have a place at a refuge then prioritise that and aim to be there tonight. You also need to make a police report. And please tell your mum and friend what the latest of what is happening.

Please don't hope this is going to get better while you don't do anything to get yourself out, it really won't.

@Bitterballen

I know what you're saying and I naively thought that you were all being dramatic. That was stupid of me. I didn't think she would be like this. I didn't know what would happen but how she's being has surprised me.

I will call both women's aid again. The local one. And call the police today and speak with them as well.

@Zoreos @MaryJanesonabreak

Thank you. I really appreciate what you have both said. I am flipping from feeling fairly confident to extremely anxious and worried.

She's promising to change. To not be so angry. To speak to me differently. Etc.

When she said she was going to kill herself and was leaving the house to do it, I got my phone ready to call the police and she saw me and said 'you better not be calling anyone!' And came back in the house.

When she said she was going to kill herself and was leaving the house to do it, I got my phone ready to call the police and she saw me and said 'you better not be calling anyone!' And came back in the house

Yeah sounds like someone determined to kill themselves. Not.

There is nothing special about this woman.

She is just a common abusive thug.

Because she is a woman you have allowed yourself to think she can't be that bad.

She is.

She is up there with the very worst cases on here.

At the moment her controlling abuser head is all over the place because she knows she is losing control.

She knows well how she has treated you and she knows well she has abused you.

She is terrified of the truth coming out so she goes from one threat to the other, desperately hoping one will land and bring you back into line.

She has abused both you and your child.

She cares nothing for either of you, just controlling you both.

She is grappling around for any threat, hence the killing of the dog threat.

Anything at all.

She is a cornered animal, and we all know how dangerous they are.

I feel very sorry for your child in the midst of this.

Your denial has been spectacular and has put both you and your child at risk despite many, many people telling you for a long time how bad this situation is.

You as a parent need to step up and do the right thing for your child.

Stop putting yourself first.
Put your child first and tell the truth.

The right thing to do is to not leave her alone for one minute with your child, not a minute.

Police, GP, Women's aid.

But the police station is the first place you should go to if you want to protect your child.

She is a very unstable dangerous woman.

Please help your child and yourself by taking yourself to a police station.

Do not leave that child with her.

People who plan to be dead soon don't care if the police are called, it's not like they will be dealing with the consequences.

She's all smoke and mirrors.

Call the police every time she mentions suicide.

'My partner is saying she is going to kill herself and I don't know what to do'.

They have protocols, they will advise you, it will create a record of her behaviour which you will likely need.

She's not stable and shouldn't have custody, but in the absence of external evidence it will be your word against hers.

Take it from us, OP. She isn't going to kill herself. She just wants to control you. And if she does do something to harm herself, it is solely for the purpose of controlling you and manipulating you.

Think about all of the breakups that mumsnetters have been through. Do you think every time someone broke up with them they all threatened suicide? No. Its only ever used by controlling, unstable people. The mere fact she is pulling this stunt should be indicative of her nature.

You do need to get out ASAP before she gets even more desperate.

@rosesarentred3

I totally agree with everything @Bitterballen said.

She sensed you were 'on the turn'.
You've now confirmed you want to separate.

Now she will throw the kitchen sink at you. All the promises. The threats. Same old abuse story.

She is desperate because she is losing control. Trying and saying everything and anything that will make you hesitate.

I know you feel scared and anxious and unsure. That's normal.

But remember FEELINGS ARE ALWAYS TEMPORARY. And feeling do not have to dictate our behaviour. You can still feel this terror and hesitation and STILL LEAVE. You will not regret it. Never in a million years. I think you know you won't.

I agree with the others. The time has come for you to leave before thing escalate even further.

Keeping shtum and playing the long game to get your ducks in order only works with a poker face. It must have been so hard to try and do that in the face of all of this. Nigh on impossible for most people. I don't blame you for cracking. You were poked and prodded and goaded relentlessly. Anyone would crack.

But now she knows. And her threats are escalating.

You must leave asap.

Call women's aid again and PLEASE CALL THE POLICE.

Get things moving and don't look back.

And yes as a Psychotherapist I would never suggest couples counselling or any counselling where abuse is concerned.

There is nothing to work out or mediate.

The person is abusive end of.

She keeps saying to me things like
" I won't give up on us. I will fight for you and for us. I love you. Please can we work this out for us and for DC. please don't be stubborn. You can change your mind. Please don't do this. We can work. I will really work hard for us to make our relationship good again". Over and over and over.

She's taken the day off work. I am working from home. Whenever our paths cross she is saying the same thing over and over.

DC is in nursery today.

The most dangerous time in an abusive relationship is when the abused person tries to leave. The abuser escalates their behaviour trying to regain control of the situation.

She knows you're planning to leave now. Nothing is to be gained by staying. Pack your essentials and valuables, pack for DC and both of you leave, stay with your friend or your Mum.

You can then work out the details re the divorce, arrangements for DC, selling the house at a distance from her, when you are safe.

And when she said she was going to kill herself, I said I'd call the police or the doctor and she said

"don't do that because I'll get into trouble with work".

So I said "what does it matter if you'll be dead?"

Don't listen to anything she says. As PP said it's all about her regaining control. There is nothing to be fixed or worked on or changed.

She is an abusive person. In the very worst way. She needs serious help and I keep thinking about what job she may have and if it's with vulnerable people..

Is there someone you can can call to come around and be there while you pack? TBH it may be more helpful to call the police and tell them you are leaving an abusive relationship today and she has made threats to end her life and kill the dog and you need an escort to keep the situation calm whilst you leave.

Can you get out the house for half an hour to make a few phone calls? To the police or to women's aid/the national domestic abuse hotline for advice on how to leave safely today.

I really think you need to leave today OP.

Don't think just do.

Or things will escalate again tonight until she pushed you into a corner.

Rip the band aid off and leave quickly.

OP, collect your DC from nursery this afternoon and drive straight to your mothers house and stay there.

Go back for your belongings later, preferably with a support person and when she isn't there.

Don't drag this out.

Any further suicide or similar threats, don't engage, just call the police.

My STBXH pulled this suicide nonsense and I see it now as just the end of the line of emotional abuse techniques.

Safe to say he’s still hale and hearty.

PP is right, one of you needs to leave today. If you’re paying the bills it should be her. Arrange a contact schedule, whatever you think is fair, but be wary of giving her unsupervised access if you believe she’ll pull some stunt or other.

I had support from SS early help to kick him out. It was utterly terrifying that they were involved, but made me resolute.

It’s worth it.