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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Who is wrong? Me or DH?

62 replies

Whoiswrong87 · 05/07/2023 17:16

Getting the tube today with dc and DH. I was watching them on the platform, DH was staring at his phone. We were about to miss the tube (dc were reading their comics in between the two platforms, if that makes sense - the central line).

I start to usher them on the tube before it leaves, one had on the door, Ds walks on. The door begins to close but my hand is on it, so I squeeze in; DH pushes the door and it opens for him and other DS and he starts shouting and swearing at me in front of DC and the other passengers. I tell him to stop, manage to get the situation deflated (it’s embarrassing and really shit, actually, for dc to witness stuff like that).

Anyway I tell DH just now he owes me an apology. He starts ranting “Classic Whoiswrong87, always deflecting. You were in the wrong today, not me, or doesn’t matter whether I “swore” or not.” And has left the house, taking DC to the park.

I know I should have let the tube go. But in the moment I didn’t, which was a mistake, but I didn’t deserve being shouted and sworn at - and now DH is doubling down (previously was giving me the Silent Treatment).

DH has form for being ranty and sweary. He’s also someone who would rather sit and look at his phone than do ANYTHING else so I find him generally annoying (hence squeezing on the tube in the first place - he was paying zero attention to dc or the tube, was looking at his phone).

Did I deserve to be shouted at for squeezing DC and I on the tube?

OP posts:
towriteyoumustlive · 05/07/2023 17:26

You were waiting for a tube, it arrived, so you went to get on it. Well DUH, that's what supposed to happen on a tube station.

It's not your fault they were too absorbed in reading comics! They should have been paying attention so they made themselves look like twats, not you.

His shouting and swearing should be aimed at himself, not at you.

nutbrownhare15 · 05/07/2023 17:28

Is he abusive in other ways?

Lentilweaver · 05/07/2023 17:28

This exact same thing happened to me two days ago. I was the one late to get on the Tube, so DS and DH just went on without me, and I got in the next one. No drama, no shouting. You don't deserve to get yelled at. It's hardly the end of the world.

pikkumyy77 · 05/07/2023 17:30

He is a blamer. He can’t handle anything without vomiting blame. Id dump him.

CurlewKate · 05/07/2023 17:30

It doesn't matter who was wrong or right about the tube. The person who swore and shouted is automatically in the wrong-particularly if done in front of the children.

wp65 · 05/07/2023 17:31

He sounds both nasty and pathetic.

Conkersinautumn · 05/07/2023 17:31

He's a twat. Leave him to his handbrain next time

Lentilweaver · 05/07/2023 17:32

CurlewKate · 05/07/2023 17:30

It doesn't matter who was wrong or right about the tube. The person who swore and shouted is automatically in the wrong-particularly if done in front of the children.

Indeed. especially in public. ( even in private but it's worse in public).

DrSbaitso · 05/07/2023 17:33

Why exactly was he shouting and swearing at you?

It doesn't matter, he's an arsehole. I'm just curious as to what sprung the arsehole trap this time because clearly it happens a lot and I expect there isn't much rhyme or reason to it.

Original poster
Whoiswrong87 · 05/07/2023 17:33

We’d had a stressful day and I wasn’t in a great mood (none of us were), but I didn’t storm on the tube or anything - just rushed to get on, annoyed that DH wasn’t paying any attention.

DS got on first, but I had my hand on the door so he wasn’t going to get stuck on without me (which is the basis of DH’s rant - that ds would get stuck on the tube alone - not his rant at the time but what he told me after during his “I’ve done nothing wrong - YOU’RE wrong - stop deflecting” double down).

OP posts:
cinnamonfrenchtoast · 05/07/2023 17:33

CurlewKate · 05/07/2023 17:30

It doesn't matter who was wrong or right about the tube. The person who swore and shouted is automatically in the wrong-particularly if done in front of the children.

Exactly this. His behaviour is horrible.

Juanmartinez · 05/07/2023 17:35

Did he not hear the tube coming? Why weren't they all on the platform with you?

Original poster
Whoiswrong87 · 05/07/2023 17:35

pikkumyy77 · 05/07/2023 17:30

He is a blamer. He can’t handle anything without vomiting blame. Id dump him.

Yes he is a massive blamer. His mother raised him that way and he complains about it occasionally even now. The kids even call her “blamey” and don’t like spending time with her.

I can’t stand it but I’m utterly and completely stuck with it. Divorce is out of the question as we can’t afford it. I don’t even mean that lightly!

OP posts:
BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 05/07/2023 17:35

Is this generally how he speaks to you if he has an issue? It's a horrible way to treat your partner. How is he when he has an issue with the kids does he shout and swear at them too?

He loses all moral High ground if he cannot speak to you in a civilised manner when he has a problem.

Original poster
Whoiswrong87 · 05/07/2023 17:36

DrSbaitso · 05/07/2023 17:33

Why exactly was he shouting and swearing at you?

It doesn't matter, he's an arsehole. I'm just curious as to what sprung the arsehole trap this time because clearly it happens a lot and I expect there isn't much rhyme or reason to it.

He was shouting at me for holding the door and getting the kids on when the tube was about to leave rather than leaving it and waiting for the next one.

OP posts:
Lentilweaver · 05/07/2023 17:36

Clearly DS would not have been alone; you were with him. DH and DS could have followed in next tube. He sounds like the kind of man for whom nothing is ever good enough. It's very stressful to live with or travel with. Because invariably things go wrong.

Original poster
Whoiswrong87 · 05/07/2023 17:38

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 05/07/2023 17:35

Is this generally how he speaks to you if he has an issue? It's a horrible way to treat your partner. How is he when he has an issue with the kids does he shout and swear at them too?

He loses all moral High ground if he cannot speak to you in a civilised manner when he has a problem.

Yes 100% how he speaks to me if he’s angry with me. It doesn’t happen that often, but that’s how he is lately.

He isn’t great when he’s angry with the kids either (shouty, blamey). I intervene and that winds him up even more because apparently I’m supposed to be on “his side” and should “let him parent”.

It doesn’t happen all that often, but still.

OP posts:
whynotwhatknot · 05/07/2023 17:39

he sounds mental-all he had to say was oh that was close one

ive run for a tube loads of times and stopped the door so what

tennesseewhiskey1 · 05/07/2023 17:39

Leave him - it’ll get worse.

DrSbaitso · 05/07/2023 17:41

Whoiswrong87 · 05/07/2023 17:35

Yes he is a massive blamer. His mother raised him that way and he complains about it occasionally even now. The kids even call her “blamey” and don’t like spending time with her.

I can’t stand it but I’m utterly and completely stuck with it. Divorce is out of the question as we can’t afford it. I don’t even mean that lightly!

Show quote history

Divorce is out of the question as we can’t afford it.

Can you afford not to?

ThePoint678 · 05/07/2023 17:41

Well you should have just waited for the next one, but you know that. He shouldn’t be carrying on and yelling and swearing but if I was him I would have been irritated at the situation, which could have been avoided. There’s a way to handle that respectfully and rationally though.

Original poster
Whoiswrong87 · 05/07/2023 17:41

I think I can’t see why he shouted and is now doubling down? I know I should have let the tube go, but was it that bad that I squeezed ds and I on?!

It’s going to be an endless fight. He won’t apologise and I can just see it getting worse and worse until it all blows over.

Well I have to go out in an hour for work and they may not be back from the park before I go. So I suppose our fighting will resume tomorrow. Oh joy.

OP posts:
Summer2424 · 05/07/2023 17:41

Hi @Whoiswrong87 omg no you did not deserve to be shouted at xx
So sorry you had to go through that, i totally understand how you must be feeling, i get shouted at alot by my DH. He also humiliates me and says the most nasty things. I just look up and think pls i hope someone is watching this.

laoton · 05/07/2023 17:42

It's wrong to shout and make a scene for any reason. But as a Londoner, it's wrong to try to hold the tube doors open. It's not fair on the other travellers and the staff hate it, and there's no need to stress about missing it, there will be another one soon.

Lentilweaver · 05/07/2023 17:43

I know I should have let the tube go, but was it that bad that I squeezed ds and I on?!

It really isn't. You did something in the spur of the moment. It's such a small thing. He's a sulking baby.