Who is wrong? Me or DH?

[Whoiswrong87]

Getting the tube today with dc and DH. I was watching them on the platform, DH was staring at his phone. We were about to miss the tube (dc were reading their comics in between the two platforms, if that makes sense - the central line).

I start to usher them on the tube before it leaves, one had on the door, Ds walks on. The door begins to close but my hand is on it, so I squeeze in; DH pushes the door and it opens for him and other DS and he starts shouting and swearing at me in front of DC and the other passengers. I tell him to stop, manage to get the situation deflated (it’s embarrassing and really shit, actually, for dc to witness stuff like that).

Anyway I tell DH just now he owes me an apology. He starts ranting “Classic Whoiswrong87, always deflecting. You were in the wrong today, not me, or doesn’t matter whether I “swore” or not.” And has left the house, taking DC to the park.

I know I should have let the tube go. But in the moment I didn’t, which was a mistake, but I didn’t deserve being shouted and sworn at - and now DH is doubling down (previously was giving me the Silent Treatment).

DH has form for being ranty and sweary. He’s also someone who would rather sit and look at his phone than do ANYTHING else so I find him generally annoying (hence squeezing on the tube in the first place - he was paying zero attention to dc or the tube, was looking at his phone).

Did I deserve to be shouted at for squeezing DC and I on the tube?

They should have all been together. Paying attention as adults in charge of children. You stay together the trains coming you say here's the train you move together if someone is slow you wait.
It does sound like they are not used to the tubes and oh panicked then realised he endangered his child maybe his reaction was shock....not acceptable but we do odd things in shock. But the relationship sounds dead anyway staying together because you can't afford not to be is not great for the kids.

Being silently seething and bitter with passive aggressive eye rolling is just as bad as shouting lots of the time. You’ve already decided you will be angry into tomorrow so you can’t pin it all on your DH for dragging out the fight.

Neither are healthy behaviours.

No, being silent isn't as bad as humiliating your wife in public. Constantly. And your kids.

I do understand why he was annoyed and you should have waited for the next tube.
It was a bit petty that you did it because you were annoyed he was looking at his phone.

But there’s absolutely no excuse to shout and swear at you, either in front of your DCs or other people.

People can argue behind closed doors but it should not be done in front of other people, especially children (and especially in front of children with other people around which must have made your DCs feel like absolute shit) as it is the ultimate disrespect.

I would tell him that if he ever speaks to me like that in front of my DCs or anyone else then the relationship is over and I would mean it.

But you say he grew up blamey.

It's not good for your kids to be reared in this environment. They are going to perpetuate the negative cycle. What is the reason you cannot afford to divorce?

We can’t afford to run two households where we live. There’s no way we could. If I left to live with family, then DH would automatically have the kids as my family don’t live here - to keep continuity with schools and friends etc. That would kill me if I lived apart from them. I just won’t.

If I took the kids, that’s a whole new school and very unsettling (they have, in fact, just moved school as we’ve just moved house). The kids would resent it, I think. Plus the idea of moving in with my family is incredibly depressing. DH would also stop me from taking the kids, as he wouldn’t want me to. He also has more money.

I keep my mood under control as much as I can, and DH does to a certain extent and then things like yesterday happen. I don’t like his family either and that spills out sometimes.

It all feels rather hopeless.

Before yesterday, we were getting on with it fine, but then he starts shouting and I start disliking him again. I think it probably happens about once every two months.

I'm in a similar situation to you I think. There are incidents every month or so (husband verbally abusive), makes me think I should leave. Similar to you, he will blow up over what appears to be a fairly insignificant thing. And its unpredictable. But practically, financially it seems impossible to separate. And I wouldn't want to share custody. But on the other hand we only have one life..and I'm probably giving the children a v bad example of marriage. Not straightforward at all.

He’d have laid into you if you’d opted to miss the tube.

So basically, he’s just a horrible cunt.

I hope you can find the means to leave him. He will drag all of you down.

For what it's worth, for you and OP, please take any safe means you possibly can to get out of this, someway, somehow. I know it's easy to say but I say it because I grew up in a household like this in terms of big reactions to small things. Also where nobody could ever live anything down, where we were shouted at and belittled if we did something the person didn't agree with or didn't take their advice and anything went wrong, etc. While I thought it was normal and it took until my late teens, several sympathetic teachers and starting therapy for me to realise otherwise, while I did realise that my mother was also a victim, one of my first, most upsetting thoughts was "why didn't you protect us from that?". I am now in my late 20s and will probably be forever dealing with the psychological hangover of growing up around verbal and emotional abuse, though I do now have good relationships/interactions with both parents when I visit.

I'm not saying situations are by any stretch the same, or that it isn't incredibly fraught and complicated. But I will say that even if you can't bring yourself to do it for yourself - please try to do it for your kids. It's not fair for them to grow up around it if nothing else.

If he shouts at you in public, shame him: "Don't speak to your wife and mother of your children in that tone" very loudly, he will soon stop doing it, though he will probably act like the cunt he is after.

Years ago I was in an unhappy relationship, it was mild coercive control and I definitely felt a little intimidated by him. I wanted out so I got a bank loan and put a deposit on a rental house. I claimed housing benefit as I was only working part time. If you really wanted to do it you could, it takes determination but it’s possible. It’s scary but the sense of relief is bliss.

In both of these scenarios you are leaving the family home, with or without the kids. Why isn't there a scenarios where you and the kids stay in the family home and he moves in with his family?