Who is wrong? Me or DH?

[Whoiswrong87]

Getting the tube today with dc and DH. I was watching them on the platform, DH was staring at his phone. We were about to miss the tube (dc were reading their comics in between the two platforms, if that makes sense - the central line).

I start to usher them on the tube before it leaves, one had on the door, Ds walks on. The door begins to close but my hand is on it, so I squeeze in; DH pushes the door and it opens for him and other DS and he starts shouting and swearing at me in front of DC and the other passengers. I tell him to stop, manage to get the situation deflated (it’s embarrassing and really shit, actually, for dc to witness stuff like that).

Anyway I tell DH just now he owes me an apology. He starts ranting “Classic Whoiswrong87, always deflecting. You were in the wrong today, not me, or doesn’t matter whether I “swore” or not.” And has left the house, taking DC to the park.

I know I should have let the tube go. But in the moment I didn’t, which was a mistake, but I didn’t deserve being shouted and sworn at - and now DH is doubling down (previously was giving me the Silent Treatment).

DH has form for being ranty and sweary. He’s also someone who would rather sit and look at his phone than do ANYTHING else so I find him generally annoying (hence squeezing on the tube in the first place - he was paying zero attention to dc or the tube, was looking at his phone).

Did I deserve to be shouted at for squeezing DC and I on the tube?

Sorry just voted the wrong way.

No it's not normal, he’s abusive and I wouldn’t /couldn’t be with someone who shouted at me in public like that - how the hell he speak to you at home if he will do that in public!

I don't understand, you were waiting and the tube came so what happened between the doors opening and then closing? Surely you all started to get on when the other people got off?

Forcing the doors open is very dangerous how old was DS who got on first have you talked about what they do if you get separated? If you have young children your all wrong you don't let them get on so late the doors are closing you wait 5 minutes for the next train.

How would he feel @Whoiswrong87 if you said ‘you sound more and more like your mother each day’…

Whether or not you were wrong is irrelevant. You made a snap inconsequential decision in the heat of the moment which he disagreed with. Maybe it was the 'wrong' decision in that you could have equally just stayed for the next one. We are all going to do that.

The point is his reaction is disproportionate. Shouting, swearing, aggression and silent treatment are all abusive behaviours and completely over the top in any situation especially a 'nice harm done' one. Even if you were wrong, it is not an acceptable response. He is responsible for his behaviour irrespective of the cause of the trigger.

Your husband picked up this behaviour from his mum, and your kids will pick it up from him, unless he stops it or you leave

Next time just get on the tube with the kids and leave him to it

Tube train doors do not work like lifts there isn't always a sensor that opens....depending on the age of rolling stock most don't....hence the reason some get caught and dragged along the platform or worse ...stand clear of the doors means don't get on or risk injury

You know they don't open like a lift and people have been seriously injured or worse doing this don't you?

Dh sounds like a knob, especially as it doesn’t seem this is the first time the kids saw him like it

In Bank, there’s a seating area in between the two platforms of the two different direction tubes, if that makes sense. DS were reading comics on the seats, DH was standing on the platform of our tube.

The tube came, I ushered DSes to get on from the seated area (they weren’t quick to shut their magazines and get up). I rolled my eyes at DH before I ushered DS on, and said something like “you could have looked up” because he was staring at his phone and not helping. DH said “we can get the next one” just as I sent DS on and had my hand on the door in case it started to close.

No one deserves being shouted at and sworn at.

Did your parents swear at each other?

My parents weren't saints but I can hand on heart say I never saw major conflict between them, and they would never have sworn at each other in front of me. It frightens children.

Your husband sounds like a lazy, selfish, childish person. Do you find that attitude attractive?

Sorry, but I couldn't accept it. I'd instantly want nothing to do with him.

OP shouldn't have forced the doors (although we all know how common that is).

The fact that she shouldn't have forced the doors doesn't give her husband the right to shout and swear, especially in front of the kids. I hate these people who think that if someone does something they shouldn't, they can't possibly be wrong in their response, no matter how abusive.

A few examples of why you don't stick your hand in the doors.

I definitely made the wrong choice in hindsight and should have waited for the next train. I think I’d have been able to admit that to him if he hadn’t shouted at me in the moment, then doubled down later when I asked for an apology.

It sounds like the situation you created could have been quite scary/stressful, the idea that adults and children might have been separated on the tube, so I can understand a sharp initial reaction.

I can also see why being told you owe someone an apology when they put you in that position might seem unreasonable.

The behaviours around it all are clearly not OK though.

yes, I take the Tube often and as I said, I got left on the platform a couple of days ago rather than force the door. Doesn't excuse him yelling, swearing and sulking.

This isn't about her action.

Why should you have let it go - screw that crap. Tube arrives you got on. Next time they can't leave their phone for second let the door go and leave them on the platform.
stsnd up for your selves in these situations when the moment arrives. Tell you DH to piss off with his rudeness. Why let another person hurt you

It wasn’t that I forced the door - I actually made it through clear but had my hand there just in case - it was closing as I walked on - DH forced the door so he and other DS (who was behind him) could get on.

I definitely made the wrong choice - i should have waited.

The worse case here was that DH and other DS would have had to get the next tube. He forced the door so he could get on, following me.

I suppose I made him force the door and that stressed him out.

I'm not sure anyone thinks the shouting was acceptable. But forcing doors isn't minor or inconsequential it's important people realise how risky it is. If your taking children on a tube make a plan...were separated stay on to the next station get off and wait by the wall exactly where you get off I will be on the next train and get off in the same spot.

Sounds like you both made a mildly annoying situation worse. It comes across like you purposely huffed onto a tube you thought DH wouldn’t get in since you tried to hold the doors open for yourself to get on.

He was then entirely out of order for shouting but you both clearly have terrible ways of dealing with conflict. Even the fact that you already state you will be fighting into tomorrow! It’s such a non issue that escalated for no real reason.

It’s going to be an endless fight. He won’t apologise and I can just see it getting worse and worse until it all blows over.

You know he's not going to apologise so personally I'd let the row drop, because to me it sounds as there are more fundamental communication issues in your relationship.
It's very very difficult to fight with someone who wont respond.

My point is forcing or trying to hold a door open is not "a small thing" as you claim it's very dangerous I'm not commenting on the shouting people keep saying it wasn't a big thing but if a hand is amputated it would be.

Ok, I agree with you @jannier-OP shouldn't have put her hand in between doors or she should have got on first ahead of DS- but shouting in public is so horrible. And her DH should not have been on his phone.

Yes we definitely have communication problems. We’ve tried therapy for it, which works for a little bit but never longterm.

I grew up with a very angry, shouty mother and hate shouting, but he shouts when he’s on one.

It’s not a marriage I’d be in if we didn’t have children or I could afford to leave. But he became this way after the sleep deprivation of children, and never really changed, despite couples therapy etc. Plus I’m really wound up by his screen usage, which made it all worse today.

You’re right it should have been a non issue. If we weren’t the way we are, I’d have been able to say “that was a bad decision of mine, whoops”; but I can’t now because he’s escalated it.

I suppose I’ll let it drop just so it goes away as I don’t have the energy for more fighting, but then that’s just more resentment isn’t it?

"I suppose I made him force the door and that stressed him out."

OP, the way you frame things about these events - especially this "made him" bit, is a worry in itself; I get the impression his reactions and behaviour have instilled a habit of self-blaming/"I made him do it" logic in you. If you absolutely insist in remaining with him/circumstances really do force your hand that way, then yes, I would say just letting it drop and waiting for it to blow over is likely the "best" move strategically speaking. But it really isn't fair on you or DCs to keep living like this. Are there no family who could help you leave if it came to it?