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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Father-in-law constantly mentions disgusting things while everyone is eating

76 replies

radiantorange · 05/07/2023 14:59

My father-in-law is quite narcissistic. He's always talking about himself. He's always comparing my husband to himself and how when he was my husbands age he had his life more together, was more travelled etc… my husband has learned how to cope with his remarks after many years in therapy doing CBT and just either ignoring him or sometimes calling out his behaviour – which is shrugged off by Fil.

He has written an autobiography (he's not in anyway famous) and he likes to tell outdated and ridiculous jokes over and over too and I just think he likes his voice to be heard. One time on a long car journey I tried to count to 10 in my head every time he stopped talking and I never got to 10. And he can be fairly generous but with that generosity comes him repeatedly telling you and whoever else is there what he has done for you or given you and how he didn't need to and just goes on about it for a long time so you feel compelled to keep thanking him and telling him how nice it was. Likely feeding his ego.

Anyway, I can just about cope with him too, choosing to ignore most quips about my unhoovered carpet or whatever else in my house he deems not good enough.

But I've noticed now that pretty much every shared meal we have with them, be it lunch, dinner or coffee and cake he always has to mention a really gross story or fact about a toilet habit, bowel movement, cat's shit, stinking fart, diarrhoea etc… and every time, everyone including his wife is cringing and disgusted and will say 'please stop talking about this', which he will… but he'll wait a beat then finish the story, like he just has to. If it's not planned then I think there's just something in his brain that waves a flag to say 'everyone is eating – say something gross to spoil the moment so you get the last laugh'.

Is there anyone else with similar family/friends/ colleagues who literally talk 'shit' when you eat?

Am I being unreasonable to be so annoyed at this behaviour in particular?

OP posts:
LadyMacbethssweetArabianhand · 05/07/2023 15:03

I think there should be absolute silence when he finishes his story or his gross joke. Don't ask him to stop. Don't react at all. Silence. And let the silence lie for a couple of beats then begin a conversation with someone else about the weather or whatever. He is looking for a reaction so don't give him one.

EvilElsa · 05/07/2023 15:04

He sounds awful. A real arrogant shit. I've never encountered that before and hope I don't have to!
Personally I'd get up and leave the table every single time the disgusting talk started. Pick up your plate and walk off to the lounge/kitchen wherever. If asked say you can't stomach the conversation so will eat elsewhere. Other than that I'd avoid him as much as possible and on long trips say you feel travel sick, put in headphones and feign sleep.

Castlerock44 · 05/07/2023 15:09

The bit about the auto biography sounds a bit like my brother, he's led an ordinary life, but he too wants to share it with everyone. 😂

CombatBarbie · 05/07/2023 15:09

LadyMacbethssweetArabianhand · 05/07/2023 15:03

I think there should be absolute silence when he finishes his story or his gross joke. Don't ask him to stop. Don't react at all. Silence. And let the silence lie for a couple of beats then begin a conversation with someone else about the weather or whatever. He is looking for a reaction so don't give him one.

This.....

Whichclubisittonight · 05/07/2023 15:11

CombatBarbie · 05/07/2023 15:09

This.....

Yep. Every single time.

steff13 · 05/07/2023 15:13

I would stop sharing meals with him. I have a pretty sensitive stomach and somebody talking about things like that while I'm trying to eat what immediately make me lose my appetite.

Aquamarine1029 · 05/07/2023 15:13

Well, I would go way beyond the silent treatment. I would not spend any time with this man at all, for any reason.

He's horrible and disgusting, and life is far, far too short to waste a minute of it with someone like him. Shit behaviour has consequences.

AutumnCrow · 05/07/2023 15:18

Castlerock44 · 05/07/2023 15:09

The bit about the auto biography sounds a bit like my brother, he's led an ordinary life, but he too wants to share it with everyone. 😂

Oh that's my Ex. He thinks he should have a column in the Guardian. (I had a couple of articles published when we were together, so he deserved a regular column apparently.)

Anycrispsleft · 05/07/2023 15:24

My father in law is writing his autobiography as well. I think he's on about volume 9 or 10. I reckon it's his way of getting in the last word, as there's nobody left in the family that will listen to him.

2bazookas · 05/07/2023 15:27

and every time, everyone including his wife is cringing and disgusted and will say 'please stop talking about this', which he will… but he'll wait a beat then finish the story, like he just has to

You could just silently stand up, put your hand over your mouth and run out.
Lock yourself in bathroom with a book. Emerge half an hour later and fend off all enquiries with " I'm okay now".

somewherearoundtheainbow · 05/07/2023 15:28

This reply has been deleted

We doubt that this is genuine - we're taking it down now.

AutumnCrow · 05/07/2023 15:29

Anycrispsleft · 05/07/2023 15:24

My father in law is writing his autobiography as well. I think he's on about volume 9 or 10. I reckon it's his way of getting in the last word, as there's nobody left in the family that will listen to him.

Does he call it his memoirs? Grin

Brefugee · 05/07/2023 15:30

you can have several approaches to someone like this. I am fairly robust so i would be most likely to say "stop talking about that FIL we are trying to eat"
and if he persists, "i asked you nicely before but you keep on doing it. Shut. Up."

or: you prime all the adults to all start talking, at once, about different things, over his wittering

Prime all the adults, and make sure each child has an adult to help them: al stand up and walk away to a room where you can't hear him, with your food, and carry on.

Lacucuracha · 05/07/2023 15:30

This would make me sick. I would refuse to eat in his presence. Why do you put up with it? Is it because he’s generous?

Sunnydaysaredefhere · 05/07/2023 15:31

Take some headphones and wear them at the table. And dh.

dartsofcupid · 05/07/2023 15:32

My MIL. Most recent one was her talking about FIL’s biopsy on his anal polyps while I’m eating a sausage sandwich. Touch of class.

turnthetoiletpaperroundproperly · 05/07/2023 15:41

If this is what you have to tolerate for his generosity then I would be rethinking the price I am willing to pay for it. No amount of generosity could make me put up with this shit.

Nowthenhere · 05/07/2023 15:41

It's actually a sign of deteriorating memory loss. If it's a new thing; trying to get a reaction out of someone with a vulgar conversation. It can be a sign that his health is deteriorating. It's a change in his personality and now is the time to decide if you can not just "cope with him too" as you put it on the odd visit but consider that you will be seeing him more often and over the next decade he could be so unwell he is unable to care for himself. You may be his full time care.

LakeTiticaca · 05/07/2023 15:46

I know quite a few absolute tossers but not as bad as this awful specimen.. I would just refuse to be in his company.
And who the hell is ever interested in the "memoirs" of someone who isn't famous/hasn't done something amazingly noteworthy?
Not me for sure!!

Coppergate4 · 05/07/2023 15:48

He sounds awful. No, I haven't met anyone who consistently does this.

I would avoid eating with him completely. We actively avoid eating with FIL because he has horrible table manners and the last time (this was at least 3 years ago now) we took him (and MIL) for a meal he was rude to the waiting staff, that was the final straw. That is pretty easy for us though as he lives locally so no need to see him over a meal time.

If you can't avoid eating with him then I would go with the zero reaction idea.

littleripper · 05/07/2023 15:48

FIL did this. I started picking up my plate and wandering off to another room to eat without a word 😂

whynotwhatknot · 05/07/2023 15:52

my df loves talking about himself all the time if yore nt interested he just carries on

doesnt talk literal shit at dinner though

RobertsRadio · 05/07/2023 15:52

Next time he does this when you are eating I would either vomit all over him or tie a plastic bag over his face to shut him up, possibly permanently .

Coralsunset · 05/07/2023 15:55

You do realise you don’t ever have to see this dreadful man ever again don’t you?

Tinkerbyebye · 05/07/2023 15:55

Stop inviting him to anything and stop meeting up with him at mealtimes of any description

i would also say after every comment about unhoovered carpets etc did you mean to be so rude?