Father-in-law constantly mentions disgusting things while everyone is eating

[radiantorange]

My father-in-law is quite narcissistic. He's always talking about himself. He's always comparing my husband to himself and how when he was my husbands age he had his life more together, was more travelled etc… my husband has learned how to cope with his remarks after many years in therapy doing CBT and just either ignoring him or sometimes calling out his behaviour – which is shrugged off by Fil.

He has written an autobiography (he's not in anyway famous) and he likes to tell outdated and ridiculous jokes over and over too and I just think he likes his voice to be heard. One time on a long car journey I tried to count to 10 in my head every time he stopped talking and I never got to 10. And he can be fairly generous but with that generosity comes him repeatedly telling you and whoever else is there what he has done for you or given you and how he didn't need to and just goes on about it for a long time so you feel compelled to keep thanking him and telling him how nice it was. Likely feeding his ego.

Anyway, I can just about cope with him too, choosing to ignore most quips about my unhoovered carpet or whatever else in my house he deems not good enough.

But I've noticed now that pretty much every shared meal we have with them, be it lunch, dinner or coffee and cake he always has to mention a really gross story or fact about a toilet habit, bowel movement, cat's shit, stinking fart, diarrhoea etc… and every time, everyone including his wife is cringing and disgusted and will say 'please stop talking about this', which he will… but he'll wait a beat then finish the story, like he just has to. If it's not planned then I think there's just something in his brain that waves a flag to say 'everyone is eating – say something gross to spoil the moment so you get the last laugh'.

Is there anyone else with similar family/friends/ colleagues who literally talk 'shit' when you eat?

Am I being unreasonable to be so annoyed at this behaviour in particular?

We have a similar problem lots of ideas here. Please let us know if any of it works

Yep, my in laws are the same. I'm genuinely baffled and horrified EVERY time we sit down to eat with them.
It's stories about vomiting at the table as a child, the poo they just did in our toilet, the worms that the cat has, a wart that needs to be removed etc etc. I can't stand it and think it's vile.
I once shouted out 'Can we just get through ONE meal without hearing about bodily functions'.
My MIL in particular is so pompous in all other ways. She once made a fuss that we put gravy in a cream jug. So I'm at a loss to understand where this lack of manners comes from.

You sit there with him while he bangs on with this shit? Ban him to a different room and shout at him. No way would I tolerate this.

Easy fix.

Don't invite him to eat with you.

Would it work to pre-empt him? He's doing it to shock and get a reaction. When everyone sits down to food could you loundly say something like

'i wonder fil, how long it will take you to mention bodily functions/shit/vomit this time, shall we put on a timer and try to set a record?'

This way, he knows you are expecting it so it loses its shock value, plus by then mentioning the disgusting thing he is playing into your expectations and you would have 'won'. Bonus points if you whip out a bingo card and tick off the relevant square.

The man is a pig. Refuse to eat with him.

Has anyone mentioned dementia and ADHD yet. You did cover narcissism in the OP.

But yes he sounds insufferable

I would take his plate away from him whilst saying, "You silly OLD FOOL, you can go and sit in the kitchen with your food as NO ONE a wants to listen to your SILLY attention seeking NONSENSE."

If he creates, scrape his food in the bin and ask him to leave.

I think on the first page, op was warned that she may become her fil's full time carer. I'm not sure why.

I'm another that just wouldn't ever eat in his company again.

Do a really OTT yawn whenever he starts speaking.

Oh yes I have - EVERYTHING you have described, apart from the "shit talk" at mealtimes, is my own father to a T! For this and other reasons I've been pretty much NC with him. As a child I had no choice but take all his narcissism and abuse; as an adult though I don't have time or energy to listen to his crap.
You can do the same - don't ever meet your FIL again, no one can force you. If your DH still wants to have a relationship, he can see his dad alone.

My (now thankfully ex)MIL used to do this. She soon stopped after being on the receiving end of a few "sorry, what was that? I wasn't listening" comments . Don't give him the reaction he wants...there's no show without an audience.

This.

I would avoid him, my sister has form for this, I find months or years of avoiding helps.

More mature: the silence as the first pp suggested
Medium mature: picking up plates and going to eat out of earshot.
Immature: air horn or buzzer, the kind they use to edit swearing on TV. Downloadable to phone.

If she repeated what she had said the reply was usually along the lines of " oh well never mind", and then we would carry on talking about something else.

There is literally no answer or quib to come back with this type of behaviour. It is one for spending the absolute minimum time around the man.

My FIL physically, emotionally, mentally and abused my MIL in any way possible and she refused to leave him for years. He also behaved almost identically to what you are describing and among my most unpleasant experiences around him, he grabbed my crotch when I was 9 months pregnant so he wasn’t just emotionally draining, he was extremely dangerous and as a complete aside he was a former police officer for those wondering why police forces have problems with their treatment of women.

This type of personality is a parasite who feeds off any attention negative or positive that you give them.

We used to ignore FIL ti his face as he spoke a lot before he set up a situation that forced MIL to leave him completely penniless, now we don’t ever see him anymore thank God.

So I'm at a loss to understand where this lack of manners comes from.

@ThisIsACoolUserName it's not a lack of manners it's deliberate behaviour to upset/disgust/horrify/any negative word those who are in their company.

Any reaction is a reward to them.

In relation to my inlaws, honestly it's not.
I can't put my finger on what it IS though! Some sort of weird social anxiety perhaps.

I would say, I have a bet with my friend/cousin/neighbour that you won't be able to get through this meal without telling a disgusting story.

Having himself be the but of a joke might stop it.

@ThisIsACoolUserName do they do it in front of other people? Is it only when you sit down to eat or do they talk about this stuff at other times? How did they react to you calling them out on it? How do you get on with them in general?

The cream jug thing makes her sound rather insecure.

Oh wow!
I wasn’t expecting more than a few replies and votes! Got my head down at work and today was nursery graduation and I have notifications switched off and so this is a surprise!

Glad to know I’m not alone!

we’ve tried the silent treatment - it does nothing to stop him, it gives him more of a chance to bang on… we do find interjecting with another conversation does stop him but seriously, you could be talking about 12th century tapestry from Brazil and he will still find a way to make it about himself… “back in 1984 I travelled through Brazil on a donkey…”

my SIL really can’t stand people scraping a plate with knife and fork and she unfortunately said so at a family meal… FIL immediately did it and laughed at her squirming, he was told not to and he immediately did it again “oh, sorry, sorry, that time was a mistake” … then he did it a few more times ‘by accident’ before the end of the meal - to his own daughter! Now he does it whenever she is there, pointedly and she ignores it but you can see she struggles! He’s just nasty.

we don’t see them that often and they’re about to go to their second home for 3 months so we get quite a bit of respite.

can’t go NC really as MIL has deteriorating health and he’s not getting her the right treatment unfortunately, I think he is ignoring it as he doesn’t want to face it - because it’s not about him. So we are trying to intervene with that a little and help her when we can - but in my part that will be lunch dates with just her!

thanks for all the advice tho - I did chuckle at the ones that involved violence!

Oh FFS what a boring old shit. Agree with pp, adopt complete silence, don't look at him and start a new convo with someone else. Even better and my own favoured response, don't interact with him or visit at all.

I think they do it around other people, yes, but they probably wouldn't sit down to eat with anyone who isn't family more than once or twice a year. So maybe there's not much opportunity for it to happen.

And I wonder if it only happens at the table because that's when we're all forced to actually chat. The rest of the time I guess my inlaws are reading, watching TV, knitting etc, so there isn't as much conversation happening.

Its bloody awful though. I'm so squeamish, one mention of a bodily function and I can't eat for a month!

Its bloody awful though. I'm so squeamish, one mention of a bodily function and I can't eat for a month!

I'm the same. You have my sympathy @ThisIsACoolUserName

As do you @radiantorange , your FIL sounds like a pathetic bully.