Friend upset that I didn't buy her DD a card

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Hello everyone,

I have a friend who I have known for years and our children are good friends. This particular friend always has a birthday party and I always make sure to buy her daughter a card and a birthday present. This year, the daughter is 14, didn't have a birthday party. I completely forgot it was her birthday and sent her a text wishing her a happy birthday but I didn't buy the friend a card/ birthday present.

A month later, my friend sent me a message saying that she was disappointed that I did give a daughter a card for her birthday? I really don't know what to say to that.

I'd ask your friend if she's okay? It's odd that she's even thinking about this a month later, and trying to open a dialogue about it? Maybe she thinks she's upset you and you've ignored her daughter because of it, if she's a good friend I'd give her a call and tell her what actually happened and see why it's still on her mind. You don't have to go cap in hand.. forgetting a non relatives birthday is a very easy mistake to make, and if she's forgot your DS birthday before I doubt she'd take it that personally.

You shouldn't take it personally either, you never really know what's going on with someone behind the scenes, there could be something going on with her and she doesn't want to bring it up until she's addressed what she sees as the 'elephant in the room'.

Just talk to her and see what she says?

Absolutely. I’ve never got into the sending cards thing. My own DS has zero interest unless there’s money in them.

My mum still buys Christmas and birthday presents for her friends grandchildren - some of whom she’s never met! I used to get gifts when DS was young from people I didn’t actually know who were friends of my parents because they were all so caught up in the ‘can’t be the one who doesn’t send a card and gift’ cycle.

Surely most teens would get their birthday wishes via SM these days

me and my friends don't buy cards or gifts for each others children unless they have a party and our dc are invited.
It was my birthday yesterday and I got a birthday text from all my friends but no cards, which was fine. Cards are a waste of money and bad for the environment anyway

God, even my best mates and I send each other happy birthday messages via text or even on a Facebook wall. We also text each other for our kids birthdays unless there is a party and then they’ll get a card/gift/money. She’s being so precious and needs to get a life

Say that maybe the kids have moved beyond this, certainly your son isn't bothered when she forgets to send a card to him.

Crikey, it’s enough having to buy your own kids and nieces, nephews etc now people are expected to buy for friends offspring for ever more too? I’m glad I’ve never done this or expected friends to do this for my kids. I really don’t see what the problem is. As a pp said they’re 14 now so if they’re friends they can sort themselves out with gifts if they want to. If they’re not particular friends then maybe speak to your friend and mutually agree to not do kids birthdays anymore now they’re no longer little (unless for a special one?).

I think this kind of very needy behavior has got a lot worse since covid.

A lot of people drifted out of touch with a lot of friends and have developed very small friendship circles. This leads to a situation where all of a person's emotional needs have to be met by just a very small number of people, maybe two or three, leading to OTT expectations. And people with a very small friendship circle find it hard to understand that other people, who have much larger numbers of friends to keep in touch, cannot be expected to remember everything, always drop everything for them, always prioritize them.

The needy behavior then drives away friends, causing the person's friendship circle to become even more limited, compounding the problem.

when the children in our circle turn 13 and we celebrate with a 'becoming teen' birthday card I then just go to big birthdays, 16, 18, 21 etc
If I bought cards for every child I know they would be in the hundreds now. Save money, save paper, save shipping costs and save sanity

And do they buy for yours?

If I bought for my friends' children that would be at least another 25 birthday presents I'd be buying each year. And if you have a DH/DP, does he buy for all the kids of his friends as well?

Says who?

Completely odd of your friend. 14-year-olds don’t care about cards from their parents’ friends. A text message is just fine.

I think Mum and daughter should swop places age wise I mean. Mum sounds like a kid, and a tantrummy one at that. What kind of person does this, are they not mortified to do it. I suppose not, but if anyone sent me a text like that I would completely ignore it, and write it off as her having a bad day, then forget about it.

Did daughter thank you for your kind Birthday message? Kids today do everything on Whatsapp, messenger etc. Cards are bloody naff. I'm oldie now but haven't had a birthday card since my last "roundy" one. I love the phone messages, the accompanying clips/gifs (not gifts) etc. And I can look back at them now and then, as cards go in the recycling next day I'm afraid - when I get them which is rare - and I don't care!

As mums our lives are busy enough, our mental load usually at full capacity. Trying to remember the birthday's of other people's children is probably not high on the priority list of most people. I don't expect anyone to remember my Dds birthdays, why would they? I think that text says more about the person that sent it than it does about you.

Although I can understand the mum maybe thinking ‘oh X hasn’t sent DD a card, that’s unusual’ - nothing in my head can fathom her need to text you to tell how disappointed she was. That’s the batshit bit for me

I send very few cards. Cards are ridiculously expensive to me and I question the expense to send similar message annually. It’s obligatory not joyful to me. I do send text messages and I enjoy receiving them. Bottom line to me is….don’t most kids have enough? Don’t their parents celebrate their birthday and that’s enough? You have taken the first step so don’t go back to cards/gifts. A wish for a happy day and year is enough.

The only cards or gifts I buy for friends childrens are for those who also buy for my own child. So your friend not buying for your son would mean I’d be telling he I find her message rude considering she didn’t acknowledge your sons birthday at all! I have a friend like this who expects a huge fuss of her daughter and gifts but sends nothing for my son and doesn’t even know his birthday so I don’t send anything for her daughter.

I sent my neice cards and gifts at every birthday and Christmas from birth. Just before she turned 18, her mother crazed Dsis phoned to remind me that 18 was the new 21, legal majority, therefore BIG GIFT expected. As she well knew, DH was newly redundant and we were in a very tight spot; nevertheless I sent Neice as generous a gift as we could afford. As always, no thankyou, or any acknowledgement at all. Why break the rude manners of a lifetime.

3 years later Dsis phones to remind me Niece is about to be 21, BIG GIFT expected.
WTF? I replied " She already had BG , three years ago, on request."
Sis replied " Well, it wasn't as big as she hoped. TBH she was a bit disappointed."
Me . "Really. " Pause for breath." Your nephew DS 1 just had his 18th, btw."
Dsis, blank; "Oh, when was it?".
Me "You don't even fucking know my kids birthdays , do you? They all have birthdays every year; you have NEVER ONCE sent any of them a birthday message, card or gift of any kind. Tell your daughter, now she's 21, she's an adult. So don't expect any more birthday gifts cards and cheques from Auntie Bazooka. I'm done. "

Dsis "I think that's really mean , you're her only aunt, there are no grandparents.."<trembly breath>

( Just like my kids, then).

My sister wrote the Advanced Manual for CF's.

Of course you’re bloody supposed to remember your friends kids birthdays

how fucking shit of a friend must you be to not.

Of course

Some weird perceptions of friendship on here

no wonder so many mners struggle to make and maintain friendships

Well done 2bazookas!

I can’t believe you have presents for 20 years! I would have stopped the year she gave my DS nothing.

You are a good aunt.

Nope. You are very much the one with the weird, rigidly transactional view of friendship in this discussion.

Also: you understand that there’s a cost of living crisis, right? (But let me emphasise that that’s not the main reason it’s ludicrous. Just a passing extra side reason)

She's being ridiculous. It was kind of you to send her DD a text to wish her happy birthday.

I think it speaks volumes that she has completely forgotten your DS's birthday on a couple of occasions but she still feels this level of entitlement. I'm wondering if this is the only time that she has displayed entitled behaviour and double standards?

I’m a great friend to my friends - yet I haven’t hit a bloody clue when their offspring’s birthdays are and I doubt they have a clue when my sons is.

Very strange to judge the quality of friends by that criteria - ridiculous I’d say personally

How many do you buy?

And how many does your DH/DP buy?

I would really worry if my friendships were based on buying present for their kids.