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Original poster

Friend upset that I didn't buy her DD a card

102 replies

secular39 · 05/07/2023 11:28

Hello everyone,

I have a friend who I have known for years and our children are good friends. This particular friend always has a birthday party and I always make sure to buy her daughter a card and a birthday present. This year, the daughter is 14, didn't have a birthday party. I completely forgot it was her birthday and sent her a text wishing her a happy birthday but I didn't buy the friend a card/ birthday present.

A month later, my friend sent me a message saying that she was disappointed that I did give a daughter a card for her birthday? I really don't know what to say to that.

OP posts:
BonnieBobbin · 05/07/2023 12:26

It's rude you didn't send anything. If it was someone you hardly knew then yy it's ok to tie a card/gift to whether or not there is a party. But for a friend's DC who is also friends with your own DC, it's usual to send a card and gift.

Original poster
secular39 · 05/07/2023 12:30

DS reminded me it was her birthday and I sent a happy birthday wish. She has forgotten DS's birthday on a few occasions but I don't put this on her- it's a non issue.

OP posts:
TomatoSandwiches · 05/07/2023 12:32

secular39 · 05/07/2023 12:30

DS reminded me it was her birthday and I sent a happy birthday wish. She has forgotten DS's birthday on a few occasions but I don't put this on her- it's a non issue.

So she can hardly feel aggrieved, silly woman.

SchoolShenanigans · 05/07/2023 12:34

If she's forgotten your child, I'd gently remind her.

"Hi friend, I'm so sorry, you know I love DC and I'd never intentionally forgot. But you need to realise it's not reflection on our relationship, after all, there have been times you've forgotten my DCs birthday too; I've never thought that was because you don't care. I hope we can move on from this."

JMSA · 05/07/2023 12:45

@GoodChat

Because it's not something that a teen would value. It's meaningless to them and you might as well have not bothered. Plus, a text is an obvious afterthought.

Notmineagain · 05/07/2023 12:45

JMSA · 05/07/2023 12:09

Oh come on, of course a text isn't enough for a 14 year old!

Why on earth not??

Notmineagain · 05/07/2023 12:46

secular39 · 05/07/2023 12:30

DS reminded me it was her birthday and I sent a happy birthday wish. She has forgotten DS's birthday on a few occasions but I don't put this on her- it's a non issue.

So point that out to her? It's ok for her to do it but not you?

JMSA · 05/07/2023 12:46

Explained below.

EmmaR0305 · 05/07/2023 12:46

I would send word for word what @SchoolShenanigans said!

RedToothBrush · 05/07/2023 12:47

"It's 2023. Cards are expensive and extremely wasteful. They get looked at for three seconds then put in the bin. The thing that counts is the sentiment and you can do that by text"

I never do cards. Even for kids. I figure that the kids will appreciate £2 extra being spent on a present than a card.

The only use for a card is in holding a gift card. And I try and avoid those too on principle.

Curseofthenation · 05/07/2023 12:48

She's being precious, but if she always buys your DD a card then I would apologise for the sake of the friendship.

Ghosttofu99 · 05/07/2023 12:50

JMSA · 05/07/2023 12:45

@GoodChat

Because it's not something that a teen would value. It's meaningless to them and you might as well have not bothered. Plus, a text is an obvious afterthought.

Don’t think I’d of been bothered or even noticed if an adult who wasn’t related to me didn’t get me a present for my birthday. If they were related then maybe you’d have a point.

user1477391263 · 05/07/2023 12:53

Its a bit shit to not get a card, let alone a gift

I am only assume that the people who think like this have very very few friends (and are probably heavily emotionally dependent on each one of them)?

If you have an average number of friends, plus relations, and most of those have a couple of kids, you are talking about spectacularly huge numbers of kids. You'd end up doing cards about once a week or more (which includes remember to get a card out or buying one if you've run out, writing it, remembering to post it or arranging to hand the bloody thing over). This on top of all the other life admin the average person has to to. It just gets out of hand if friends start expecting cards, gifts and "remembering" for each one.

Shopper727 · 05/07/2023 12:54

My kids don’t even look at cards unless there’s £ in them. It’s almost pointless buying them only to recycle them in a few days so ybu op. Especially at 14 and given she doesn’t remember your sons birthday she has no place moaning to you, some people are just weird !!!!

GoodChat · 05/07/2023 12:57

JMSA · 05/07/2023 12:45

@GoodChat

Because it's not something that a teen would value. It's meaningless to them and you might as well have not bothered. Plus, a text is an obvious afterthought.

I don't think many teens are bothered by birthday cards

Lacucuracha · 05/07/2023 12:59

secular39 · 05/07/2023 12:30

DS reminded me it was her birthday and I sent a happy birthday wish. She has forgotten DS's birthday on a few occasions but I don't put this on her- it's a non issue.

I would keep just sending birthday texts, she can't complain, a pp is 100% right, she is a silly woman.

Splishsploshsplash · 05/07/2023 13:00

Gosh if I was buying cards and gifts for children of friends I’d be buying for 50+ kids!

Hard no.

I struggle to remember the friends’ own birthdays, let alone their kids.

A needy message a month later would put me right off. I’d have to point out she’s done the same thing.

Seaweed42 · 05/07/2023 13:10

Some people are much more sensitive to how others treat them, and much less sensitive or aware how they threat others.

I'd send a light hearted text back saying something like...

'you know I completely forgot whatever happened that day, I did text but then forgot. Hopefully we can forgive each other if this happens, I think you may have forgotten DS's birthday a few times also (smiley face).'

ZekeZeke · 05/07/2023 13:12

Do you normally send a really expensive gift/money? And they have come to rely on it?

Peachy2005 · 05/07/2023 13:13

It’s a good chance to knock it on the head now along with any other pointless birthday and Xmas present exchanges with children of friends. These things can take on a life of their own and become a real chore and expense!

ZekeZeke · 05/07/2023 13:13

Edited to add, she sounds very entitled.

sandyhappypeople · 05/07/2023 13:17

littleripper · 05/07/2023 11:36

"I don't do cards/gifts unless there is a party - so many bdays and events and I struggle to keep track. Sorry for the misunderstanding"

Yeah, don't say this ⬆

You'd basically be saying that unless you're getting something out of it you can't be bothered, and at the same time inferring that you've got SOOOO many people to think about that they just don't feature on the priority list...

and that you don't know how to use a calendar.

TheWalrusdidbeseech · 05/07/2023 13:18

you did remember, you sent a text.

Of course you buy a present when you are invited to a party, but when you are not? Acknowledging with a text was plenty.

Is your friend always that needy? She must be exhausting to be around.

Blinkblank · 05/07/2023 13:26

cards are a total waste of money and she’s a CF!

Lacucuracha · 05/07/2023 13:28

Peachy2005 · 05/07/2023 13:13

It’s a good chance to knock it on the head now along with any other pointless birthday and Xmas present exchanges with children of friends. These things can take on a life of their own and become a real chore and expense!

Agreed. I suspect the complaint about a lack of card is really a complaint about lack of gift. CF cow.