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Original poster

Why did my mum prioritise her husband over me? Frozen in grief today

178 replies

DismantleThePatriarchy · 04/07/2023 20:45

I just cannot wrap my head around why. I'm in my thirties and my mum died a few months ago.

She had me when she was a student and left me with her parents and then married him a few years later. He's a nice man who loved my mum a lot. She loved me a lot. But she never fought to get me back with her. She prioritised being with him.

I really miss her, I am devastated she's dead but also have this awful separete pain from not being good enough, or something?

The hurt child in me feels like she loved him more than me and it's fucking awful. Why does that happen?

The hurt is overwhelming, I can't think straight, I feel dazed by it.

OP posts:
Original poster
DismantleThePatriarchy · 04/07/2023 20:46

separate, rather, my thoughts are jumbled and so is my typing

OP posts:
SilverCatStripes · 04/07/2023 20:49

I’m sorry OP, separation from your mum is horrendous for a child and it’s no wonder you have unresolved pain around this.

Could you look into getting some therapy?

Rachie1973 · 04/07/2023 20:51

I’m not voting because it’s not really a question with any definitive answer. Your Mum is gone and I guess you’ll have to decide which way you choose to see things as you travel through life.

From experience though, I have custody of 2 small grandchildren. Their parents are quite open in that even if they do sort themselves out they won’t be taking them back. It’s an act of love from them to want the children to have a sense of solidity and continuity.

Maybe your Mum would have loved you with her, since you seem to have ahead a loving relationship but decided to leave you be in the life you were happy and settled in? Perhaps her priority wasn’t really him, but stability for you?

MsVestibule · 04/07/2023 20:52

Ah, what an awful time you're having. Not only grieving for your mother, but also your feelings of not being 'enough'.

I know nothing about the situation other than what you've told me, but I highly doubt this had anything to do with how lovable you were, or that she prioritised her husband over you. It's entirely possible that she just wasn't able to be a 'proper' mother, regardless of who else was in her life.

Are the grandparents who brought you up still alive? Do you have any children of your own?

Original poster
DismantleThePatriarchy · 04/07/2023 20:54

I am doing yes, but I don't know if it is making it worse? Maybe I should just try harder to bury the pain?

The therapist is nice but part of me feels she is sitting there privately feeling there must be something wrong with me. Because I failed to trigger unconditional love in my mother that would walk through fire rather than be separated.

It is like being forced to admit my own lack of real humanity.

OP posts:
Jogonmagpies · 04/07/2023 20:55

Are your grandparents still alive? Have you spoken with them about it?

It could be any reason OP. Do you know anything about your father? It could be because of him. It could've been because she thought you would be better off with her parents. She might of thought you were happier than them.

JMSA · 04/07/2023 20:57

She was selfish. That's it really. Nothing at all to do with you not being good enough.
So sorry OP Flowers

Weal · 04/07/2023 20:57

oh op that sounds really hard. Is this something you have always struggled with it has it been something that has appeared since she passed away?

sounds like a fairly normal type of feeling for a child that was separated from their parent and whose parent didn’t/couldn’t raise them.

I wonder if some talking therapy might be helpful for you maybe?

caringcarer · 04/07/2023 20:58

Sadly not all Mums are maternal and not all Dad's are paternal. I'm a Foster Carer and have foster children who can't understand why their parents chose drugs over them. It's not a reflection on you. Your Mum was never cut out to be a good mother. You still need to grieve the relationship you always wanted. Give yourself time.

Original poster
DismantleThePatriarchy · 04/07/2023 20:59

Maybe your Mum would have loved you with her, since you seem to have ahead a loving relationship but decided to leave you be in the life you were happy and settled in? Perhaps her priority wasn’t really him, but stability for you?

Yes, and that is the reason I accepted as a child.

But she went on to have 2 children and was a devoted and excellent mother in the conventional sense to them both. In a lovely stable marriage with her husband.

Logic dictates that I must not have been worth the effort, not like my siblings. Maybe that's not factually true, but it is an overwhelming feeling right now.

OP posts:
Original poster
DismantleThePatriarchy · 04/07/2023 21:02

I wonder if some talking therapy might be helpful for you maybe?

I'm doing this and not sure if it is making me worse.

I have unmet maternal needs and no way to get them met so possibly I should just try to forget it and concentrate on the here and now.

OP posts:
vipersnest1 · 04/07/2023 21:04

@DismantleThePatriarchy, shut those feelings down right now. (Sorry to sound so bossy, but please read on.)

Every child is valuable. You are valuable. You have a right to feel whatever you are feeling.
To put it another way, do you feel that your own children (if you have them), don't deserve your love and support? I'm pretty sure that even if you don't have DC you will understand what I mean.
It's a lot to unpick. Unless you feel that your therapist has said something judgemental, try telling them that you feel judged and why you feel like that (your self-worth, etc) if you can. You might not be able to voice that just now.
The fact that you have posted makes you a very different person from the persona that you have taken on from your childhood; the one that doesn't deserve to be valued.
This light be a difficult road to travel, but if you can stick with it, it might just bring you some peace.

MaggieBsBoat · 04/07/2023 21:05

My mum never really loved me. Even told me so. But she pretended. Still does and occasionally the mask falls.
I‘m sorry that you are going through this. I can’t help but think at least she spared you the pretence.
My mum always put my dad above everything and everyone. Still does. It’s an odd thing that as a mum myself I just don’t get. Your mother was selfish to have done the things she did. I’m so sorry. You are worth more than she ever knew.

MrsTerryPratchett · 04/07/2023 21:05

I'm so sorry OP. That is really rough. Ever one of us knows that it wasn't anything in YOU that did this, just time and situation and your mother's feelings. But you can't feel that. Therapy might help but you have to be open to the fact that it's not your fault. You were a child. It sounds like you can't hear that right now.

TookTheBook · 04/07/2023 21:07

Psychotherapy will help with this.

You are enough.

JMSA · 04/07/2023 21:09

She went on to have two more children?!
God OP, my heart breaks for you. I can't imagine the feelings of abandonment that this must cause.
It's not normal for a woman to be able to compartmentalise in this way.
I really am so sorry. It's awful that she's gone and you're left to struggle with these feelings. I feel angry for you though, OP. Angry at your mum and her husband.

Emmylou22 · 04/07/2023 21:10

OP. You need to give yourself a big hug. And perhaps find a therapist better suited to your needs. I have done something called 'parts therapy' which looks at healing the different parts of you. So at the moment, it's like the little child inside you is talking. Your logic that you must not be good enough is a child's logic. You are enough and you need to be the loving parent to yourself now. You never got it from your mum but that is because of her, not you.

You're going through a tough time but you will feel better. I think you need to find a better therapist.

Weal · 04/07/2023 21:11

DismantleThePatriarchy · 04/07/2023 21:02

I wonder if some talking therapy might be helpful for you maybe?

I'm doing this and not sure if it is making me worse.

I have unmet maternal needs and no way to get them met so possibly I should just try to forget it and concentrate on the here and now.

I think with talking therapy some therapists are much better than others. If the current one isn’t working it might be looking a something different that might work better for you.

Have you been doing it long? I do think sometimes it’s one of those things where things feel worse before they get better.

How is your mental heath generally? You sound pretty low, do you have depresssion or anything like that added into the mix?

Please take care op. The issue was not you but your mums own issue. You deserved so much better and she wasn’t able to give it. I really hope you find something to help with the difficult feelings.

Original poster
DismantleThePatriarchy · 04/07/2023 21:12

How can therapy help, though?

I just want my mum, both not to be dead and to rewind the clock and for us to have had the mother daughter dynamic we didn't have. Obviously this can never happen. That train has left the station.

The therapist is a nice woman, but how does it do me any good to voice my lowest, most humiliating, childish pain to somebody?

Being looked at with compassion makes me feel wretched, it is physically uncomfortable as if a layer of emotional skin has been removed.

I just want to not want anything.

OP posts:
StopStartStop · 04/07/2023 21:13

Keep on with the therapy. You can change therapists, or have a break for a few months. It's a long job.

Speak to your inner child. Tell her 'You were enough. You are enough. Everything that is needed to be loved and cared for is here within you. You did nothing wrong. There is nothing extra that you needed. You are enough.'

I told my inner child she didn't deserve any of the things that happened to her. It took a while but eventually she got the message.

Original poster
DismantleThePatriarchy · 04/07/2023 21:14

How is your mental heath generally? You sound pretty low, do you have depresssion or anything like that added into the mix?

No, I am not depressed at all. I do have diagnosed anxiety at times but it's mostly ok now.

I mean, I am pretty low, but it's just the grief and it is complicated grief. It surges out of me at times. But I think that it is common for the first year of grief to be very tough and I'm only a few months in, so...

OP posts:
StopStartStop · 04/07/2023 21:15

How can therapy help, though?
Talking it through, having your thoughts heard, helps.

Feeling exposed is part of it. You're talking about things you don't usually share. It helps move those thoughts around, and helps you find different ways of dealing with them.

itsmellslikepopcarn · 04/07/2023 21:15

I didn’t want to read and run but I feel you, OP 💗 My dad buggered off when I was 2, leaving my brother and I. He had 5 kids total and was always in the others lives. He’s dead now and I have no advice but it does seem to get easier as time goes by.

PuntasticUsername · 04/07/2023 21:17

"I just want my mum, both not to be dead and to rewind the clock and for us to have had the mother daughter dynamic we didn't have. Obviously this can never happen. That train has left the station."

Exactly. Nobody can change or fix that. It's done. What you CAN do now, is find a way to live with it a little more easily. I understand how much you're hurting, and you don't deserve to. You deserve the space and love to help you make your peace with what your mum did, and move on with the rest of your life. That may seem impossible now, but therapy can help you get there.

My heart goes out to you, you didn't deserve your mum's treatment of you and I hope you can find the happiness that every human should have in their lives.

SaulHudsonDavidJones · 04/07/2023 21:18

I have some understanding about how you feel as my father was the same. Having had children myself I can't fathom how you wouldn't fight to have them in your life. I wonder if maybe she felt it was the best thing to do leaving you with your grandparents? She may have thought they could give you a better life than she could. Not actively choosing her husband over you, but just not understanding that you needed her?