Why did my mum prioritise her husband over me? Frozen in grief today

[DismantleThePatriarchy]

I just cannot wrap my head around why. I'm in my thirties and my mum died a few months ago.

She had me when she was a student and left me with her parents and then married him a few years later. He's a nice man who loved my mum a lot. She loved me a lot. But she never fought to get me back with her. She prioritised being with him.

I really miss her, I am devastated she's dead but also have this awful separete pain from not being good enough, or something?

The hurt child in me feels like she loved him more than me and it's fucking awful. Why does that happen?

The hurt is overwhelming, I can't think straight, I feel dazed by it.

You have to stick with your therapist. Any Grief and loss brings up previous grief and it all lands on you at once. Your Mother acted selfishly and the problems were all with her. You did nothing wrong. How you acted was not wrong but a normal process for a child who needs a primary caregiver. You keep coming back to thinking everything you do is bad or wrong. I think eventually the therapist will help you to be kind to yourself ina way your Mother was not able to do and to come to terms with this need you have. Keep at it.

Please have a look at cptsd/ inner child work/ re-parenting/ attachment trauma. A specialist coach or therapist in this area will serve you a million times over a standard talk therapist.

For ideas there's lots of specialists you can watch / listen to on YouTube / podcasts eg) the crappy childhood fairy springs to mind or there are some amazing books eg) pete walker- surviving to thriving.

This is a very specialized area of trauma- attachment wounding. It won't go away, you will need to do the inner work. Good luck!

Btw, OP, I had a close, loving relationship with my mum in a conventional family upbringing. I was also very close to my grandparents, my maternal grandmother particularly, and spent a lot of time with them as a child. My mum died a few years ago, my grandmother a good few years before that. I was only thinking this morning, in that quiet time as I made tea and fed the animals and looked at the early morning garden, how much I still miss my grandmother and how losing my mum has somehow amplified that, even though my grandmother died at a good old age and it was a ‘good’ death. All our relationships are intertwined for better and worse. You’re so early on in grieving - be gentle with yourself.

therapy-in my experience-damn near breaks you
despite being there cos...you know yaint ok...despite..knowin you just said words you didni know were gony come out til said them
probli-thats spoze to happen.
i will not tell you to stick with it,the realisation of...thats as far as i took it just hit me tho.
It could be,your mum did the most(painful)motherly thing AND put your long term security\stability as an absolute near as get to guarantee.
There is no rewind.Absolutely you had the same "homelife"when she married/had kids.
There are an awful lot of unsaids that i realise might be hellish now. Is it possible(and i have been through a kidnapt child didnt see for 909days)..she did what she believed was your best interest and that alone defines the strength of her love.not choosing someone else,not keep other kids.she absolutely made the right call.for you.then.
thats alot to swallow. it might be a release to accept that.You havent sid anything that suggests she didni love you.i mean that nicely.

I was a foster carer and have been through this with many children. I think such mothers love their children as much as they are capable. It's just not in them to have normal strong maternal feelings - it has nothing to do with the worthiness or otherwise of their child. I tell them that I really love my kids but if keeping them entailed becoming a prima ballerina I just would not be able to do it. However hard I tried I would fail. Not because they are not worth it but because of my own limitations. Your mum loved you as much as she was able.

My grandmother was my safe maternal person and I wanted her for safety and comfort. I'm pretty sure I rejected my mother. I stopped calling her mummy, and I stopped going to her for comfort when she visited.

So it feels like I have brought this on myself. We detached from each other and I can see why I would have done that as a very small person, but I desperately regret doing what I did.

You are describing completely normal (and healthy) child development.

Your Mum sounds like she was young for her age and really little more than a child herself. She probably didn't realise the implications of her choices until the damage (detachment) had been done. My guess would be that the guilt and shame she felt prevented her from being brave enough to take you back.

I absolutely feel that shame and pain, my own mum had me at 17 kept me for a while then settled in a new relationship, had another child and apparently I wanted to live with my Nan so she let me. That relationship didn't last and eventually the half brother from it went to live with his Dad and she moved onto another relationship she's still with him now and had another son with him and a step daughter who she has always been closer to than me.
I am very LC with her and grieve the relationship often. I too feel unloved and unworthy of love. I have several MH conditions linked to my childhood.

You are worthy of love though, your grandparents love you, your children love you. It amplifies it when you're a parent though wondering how your own mum couldn't feel the love you feel for your children but that's her failing not yours. Children are never undeserving of love. She's the one who lost the most.

Have a look at experiential dynamic therapy. It is amazing for reparenting. Please look

iedta.net/edt/about-edt/our-patients-speak/

Do you have children?

Therapy can really help.

They will teach you how to nurture and soothe your inner child. It all sounds like it is absolute bollocks, and at the time i thought it was, but it turned out to be really helpful.

You can't change the past, but you can change your way of thinking, and learn to be kind to yourself. You absolutely are enough.

I'm sorry you are going through such a difficult time.

Gosh you're really hurting OP. I wonder why you're so hard on yourself? Were your grandparents a bit too hard or "honest" with you?

... there must be something wrong with me. Because I failed to trigger unconditional love in my mother that would walk through fire rather than be separated.

I would like you to have a look at this Google Image search on babies.
https://www.google.com/search?rlz=1C1CHZN_enIE949IE949&sxsrf=AB5stBi0AK4C1gIJDL9ffefzr_a25gAqDA:1688509607262&q=babies&tbm=isch&sa=X&ved=2ahUKEwiCtNy6jPb_AhVVmFwKHTZ8ADoQ0pQJegQIChAB&biw=1396&bih=656&dpr=1.38

Logically, do you think there is something in any of these babies that "fails to trigger unconditional love in their mothers"? No, it doesn't work that way. The issue lies with your mother, for whatever reasons she let you down.

I was adopted. My birth mother went on to have more children, my half siblings. It's a complicated story but whereas I know she was completely self-involved and was not able to consider my needs or feelings when she found me after many years, I do not understand where this came from; I do know I can't change it. She had a dysfunctional relationship with my half siblings so that's a dead end.

My birth mother is a covert narcissist who married an alcoholic. So, to put it mildly, my childhood was utterly chaotic. In her case I know things happened in her youth which damaged her severely, unfortunately it resulted in me being abused horrifically. Until recently I had an underlying belief that everyone in the world had more value than me. Thinking about it, that is a crazy belief to have. I'm about 2 years in therapy and have a way to go yet, but I am starting to value myself for the first time in my life.

So what I'm trying to say to you OP, is to be a bit kinder to yourself. You have been seriously affected by things beyond your control. If you're out and about and you see children, perhaps consider how could they be in charge of their lives, how could they not be affected by their parent's issues? They are only young, their parents' responsibility is to protect them, love and nurture them and hopefully try not to bring them up consumed with guilt for merely existing.

Your mother was a very damaged person. Sadly that has caused you untold grief. I hope you continue with your therapy and can find the real you under all that trauma. You seem very defensive about opening up and I wonder why that is (not asking you to disclose anything here). I have been told I am far too hard on myself, and for the last while I have tried to look at myself as someone who had to battle through so much at far too young an age, and to try to treat myself with kindness. It is slow going but rewarding.

Sorry for the long post, I hope you find some of my musings helpful.

This is completely normal OP. There is no shame in your reactions now or as a child. Your mother abandoned you. Detachment on your side was only logical after she left you.

I did it as well when my mum ran away and left me when I was four. Granted it was due to her being battered by my dad but she left me with him without even a goodbye.

My gandmother (dad's mum) stepped up and took me in. She was imperfect, a virago and an excuser of my dad's abuse. Still, she was there with me, whereas my mum was not. My grandmother also got battered by her son. When I asked why she stood there and did nothing, she said, this way he wasn't hitting you.

I moved to my mums when I was 17 and years after, my mum told me I broke her heart, because I turned away from her and took my grandmother's hand when my mum came to visit me when I was nine. I had also told her as a child that I would prefer to be with my grandmother.

Well no shit...my mum left me without a goodbye. My grandmother was the one person I knew who didn't abandon me. Even once I lived with my mum again, I didn't trust her.

I reveal my story to show you that you are not alone and there is nothing wrong with you. You are dealing with deep loss and grief.

I hope that you continue the therapy. Therapy helped me to acknowledge the grief and showed me that I need not be ashamed of it. It also revealed my deep rage towards my mum and helped me realize that there is no shame in this either. Over time, both grief and rage have receded and I have found some peace. I hope you find yours as well.

She’s more likely sitting there judging your mum and trying not to let that show. I’m judging your mum pretty hard right now.

The only explanation where your mother isn’t a cold-hearted bitch, is that as a PP suggested, she wrongly thought you were settled with your GP and taking you back to live with her would be wrong/unfair to you. It was the wrong decision on her part. She shouldn’t have done it. It isn’t your fault.

She obviously got her life back together and realised you were happy where you were an didn't. Want to cause further upset

She was right too.

You loved her and your grandparents so she made the right call

Being a parent is so difficult and it's also difficult to compare times and circumstances.
Forgive, love and live as best you can xx

I feel so bad for you, please do not blame yourself any more for your mum being so bloody selfish. She probably thought she was doing her best but to then have two children and not ask you to move in was just awful. How do you get on with your siblings? Hopefully well. None of this is your fault, it was circumstance and short sighted behaviour. You deserve love and happiness. 💐

Is there the possibility that she felt she couldn't be a good mother to you and that the grand parents would care for you better?

If she had you as a student she would have been young and perhaps didn't bond with her baby because of her immaturity?

Maybe it was not about you at all, maybe she felt she wasn’t good enough to be a good parent. Look at it from a different perspective, you will never get your questions answered, but you need to ask yourself questions were you loved? Were you cared for? These are fundamental things that any mother wants for her child hopefully she succeeded. Try to get some bereavement support, you are allowed to be sad & grieve maybe sharing with others who are going though the same thing may help. Big hugs.x

I think it’s probably a combination of factors.

Your mother wanted the best for you and loved you enough to sacrifice her own wants for what she perceived to be your needs. You were drawn to your gm when you wanted comfort and you may well have actively rejected her as small children are wont to do. You were settled and happy. She probably also realised she would break your grandmothers heart to take you away from her after 3 years. Can you imagine the pain of that and your gm may well have expressed that pain and a wish to keep you. Other people may have made your dm feel guilty for taking you from a settled life. A part of her may have wanted a fresh start with her dh. A part of her may have felt guilty adding a small child into her new husbands life. It was also different times, and attitudes to things were different.

I don’t think it is any one of these factors. I suspect it’s a combination of all these factors. Your dm probably underwent a great deal of anguish trying to make the best decision for everyone. You, herself, your gm and her dh.

I think you should know that it wasn’t you and you shouldn’t take it personally. It was making the best of a bad situation. Forgive yourself for feeling as you do. It’s understandable, but also try to forgive your dm as she was in an impossible situation.
xx

Do you know 100% from everyone involved that your mum never tried to get you back? As opposed to your grandmother not feeling she was ever stable enough and you should stay with her? Or even your mum seeing how you were settled and well adjusted with your grandmother and feeling it was best? Rather than the notion she did not fight for you? If that wasn't the scenario, then it's still on your mother and not you.

This is grief, it will throw up ever scenario possible and have you feeling guilty and vulnerable.

You were and are enough - this is something you will need to work on continually telling yourself.

You are loved.

You were a child, it's totally normal in those circumstances. It's not your fault. You had comfort and stability and that's not betraying your mother at all. It's what you deserved if that's not something you got from your own mother at the time.

Allow yourself to forgive yourself from the things you perceive to be mistakes. They are not but even if they were, it's time for you to let go and free yourself from that.

I wish I could give you a hug, and I do rarely wish that on MN.

This is part of your grieving process. You are grieving your mother who was not your mother. And in a way it's harder than for adopted children because you saw her frequently and saw your half siblings and I presume have a relationship with them?

Try to hold onto that fact that your grandmother WAS your mother. She gave you all the love and care to you as a daughter? Not a granddaughter.

Grieve for both the loss of your biological mother, and the loss of the chance for a proper mother/daughter relationship that you never got to have. It will get easier. ❤️

I really feel for you OP. My mum is alive but I haven’t seen her for many years. My stepfather was abusive and sent to prison but she stuck with him and chose him over her children. I really relate to your feeling of wanting a mum and feeling that that is a need that will never be filled. It’s especially lonely since so few people understand it.

I am sure that the pain will dull with time. Please know that you are not alone and it’s not your fault. You were not unlovable. Every child is lovable. You were deprived of your birthright.

What might help is to look at your mother with compassion. Think of how young she was, and how clueless. Think of the situation she was in, and how inadequate compared to your grandmother.

She probably felt like she wasn't good enough for you, not the other way round. And she felt that for the others she would do it right this time, to be the mother she was unable to be for you.

I very much doubt she saw it as a choice she had made, rather as a failure of hers that she could never make up for.

how inadequate a mother she felt, compared to your grandmother

I am sorry that you had this horrible experience.
I notice that you find the sympathy from the therapist difficult.
I wonder if being justifiably angry would help you more. In my view you have tried to understand why your mother behaved as she did, how she might have felt and why.
How you felt did not really get heard.
I attended a funeral last week of a Mum who died of a drugs overdose.
Her 12 year old daughter found her.
There is no father in the picture.
The child is being adopted by a loving relative.
The funeral service was very loving, very respectful and very carefully curated.
I looked at the child during the service and hoped that down the road, all her feelings will be heard equally, including her anger.

I have similar from my father. I think, like you, the fact that they go on to have other children that they obviously do bond with better, is pretty cruel.

Your mother let you down. It’s her, not you.

My father let me down. He refused to acknowledge that he left me and was hardly around. Instead he tells me that his other daughter, the one he didn’t leave after he remarried, visits him more often and so is better in his eyes. Basically trying to say that there is something ‘lesser’ about me!

Talk about double injury.

If either of our parents abandon us, in a big way like not being around for part of our child, the wound can be deep. I just live with it and gradually I’m getting better at feeling good about myself. Maybe you can too.