Page 4 | Why did my mum prioritise her husband over me? Frozen in grief today

DismantleThePatriarchy · 2023-07-04T19:45:02+00:00

I just cannot wrap my head around why. I'm in my thirties and my mum died a few months ago. She had me when she was a student and left me with her parents and then married him a few years later. He's a nice man who loved my mum a lot. She loved me a lot. But she never fought to get me back with her. She prioritised being with him. I really miss her, I am devastated she's dead but also have this awful separete pain from not being good enough, or something? The hurt child in me feels like she loved him more than me and it's fucking awful. Why does that happen? The hurt is overwhelming, I can't think straight, I feel dazed by it.

Joeylove88 · 04/07/2023 22:41

DismantleThePatriarchy · 04/07/2023 21:12

How can therapy help, though?

I just want my mum, both not to be dead and to rewind the clock and for us to have had the mother daughter dynamic we didn't have. Obviously this can never happen. That train has left the station.

The therapist is a nice woman, but how does it do me any good to voice my lowest, most humiliating, childish pain to somebody?

Being looked at with compassion makes me feel wretched, it is physically uncomfortable as if a layer of emotional skin has been removed.

I just want to not want anything.

Your pain is not childish it is absolutely valid. Therapy is very painful and involves putting in a lot of hard work to unravel the pain you feel layer by layer. Please don't ever feel ashamed of talking to a therapist that is what they are there for to help you break it all down so that you can eventually feel at peace and accept what has happened to you. It will take time but eventually it will hurt less and less. Good luck OP.

Coyoacan · 04/07/2023 22:42

Rachie1973 · 04/07/2023 20:51

I’m not voting because it’s not really a question with any definitive answer. Your Mum is gone and I guess you’ll have to decide which way you choose to see things as you travel through life.

From experience though, I have custody of 2 small grandchildren. Their parents are quite open in that even if they do sort themselves out they won’t be taking them back. It’s an act of love from them to want the children to have a sense of solidity and continuity.

Maybe your Mum would have loved you with her, since you seem to have ahead a loving relationship but decided to leave you be in the life you were happy and settled in? Perhaps her priority wasn’t really him, but stability for you?

What a lovely answer.

I know when I had my baby I always said I would give her away if I felt that I was able to be a good mother. Fortunately it didn't come to that but I still think that is a valid choice for the good of one's child

CattyCattle · 04/07/2023 22:42

There really wasn't anything you could have done to have made your mum emotionally available. This really is not on you.

So bloody shit though! Really really shit for you.

ChocBananaSmoothie · 04/07/2023 22:43

Grief can be illogical. It also makes us sad for what wasn't.

Do you think your mother maybe didn't take you back because she thought you were settled or it would be too disruptive for you? Maybe your grandparents refused to give you back or argued to keep you? Maybe your mother was immature and selfish, or maybe she wasn't ready to parent and thought it was better to let her parents raise you than adopt you out? There are lots of possible reasons here, none which have anything to do with you being the problem.

Is there anyone connected to the situation or your mother at the time that you can ask?

Original poster

DismantleThePatriarchy · 04/07/2023 22:45

I think the reason it feels like my fault is that I completely switched allegiance to my grandmother.

My grandmother was my safe maternal person and I wanted her for safety and comfort. I'm pretty sure I rejected my mother. I stopped calling her mummy, and I stopped going to her for comfort when she visited.

So it feels like I have brought this on myself. We detached from each other and I can see why I would have done that as a very small person, but I desperately regret doing what I did.

It probably sounds daft to Mumsnet now me saying how I desperately want her now, after I was fickle and did a massive amount of the rejecting myself right from the start. I'm not even sure that's normal child development, to just completely attach to my grandmother instead?

I feel so ashamed by this it's difficult to even write it. I'm not sure I could say it aloud.

OP posts:

continentallentil · 04/07/2023 22:47

I am really sorry you are going through this OP, the early stages of grief, often especially for a complex relationship like this, are so tough.

I think you just have to ride it and accept it feels messy and vulnerable and exposing for now. Try and look after yourself and get support where you can. You know the therapist isn’t judging you. The feelings of wanting to turn back the clock are (at least in this raw state) a stage of grieving that will pass. I think it’s very likely you will get to a decent level of acceptance, but don’t try and force yourself to hurry, or crush your feelings down. Neither of those will work. Try to be kind and gentle with yourself.

continentallentil · 04/07/2023 22:48

… it’s completely normal that you were very attached to your grandmother. You mother was very young when she had you but she would absolutely have understood that.

Wallywobbles · 04/07/2023 22:50

Small people take power where they can. The dynamic between you, your mum and your grandmother left you powerless and at sea. You took the only power you had. I'd say 99% of kids would do exactly what you did. Really. They would.

Your kids tell you they prefer the chikdminder to you. They prefer school food to yours. This is the only power they have.

CarterBeatsTheDevil · 04/07/2023 22:52

ConfusedNoMore · 04/07/2023 21:35

You ask how can therapy help but if you look at your posts you are asking a lot of questions that you need answers to. You are trying to make sense of your feelings. That is how therapy can help. It can help validate your feelings of abandonment. It can help you recognise that you did not bear any responsibility for your Mum leaving you with grandparents. It can help you Perhaps reach a level of acceptance if not forgiveness for your mother.

This is really revealing. "The therapist is nice but part of me feels she is sitting there privately feeling there must be something wrong with me. Because I failed to trigger unconditional love in my mother that would walk through fire rather than be separated."

If you felt brave or trusting enough, this would be really worth talking to your therapist about. You are taking responsibility for your mother's decision and you have a 'not good enough ' conclusion about yourself. Compassion and understanding will help you love yourself and be that parent to yourself that your parent couldn't be so you can heal.

Grief is hard. Anger is part of it.

I agree so much with every single word of this 💐

Original poster

DismantleThePatriarchy · 04/07/2023 22:54

Your kids tell you they prefer the chikdminder to you. They prefer school food to yours. This is the only power they have.

Honestly this made me laugh audibly, at an otherwise painful time, so thank you for the humour.

OP posts:

BadNomad · 04/07/2023 22:54

You were a child. Everything you felt and did was normal for a child. It is the responsibility of the surrounding adults to help and guide you. If your mother just accepted your "rejection" then that is on her. What she could have done was work on building up that trust again. Not just shrug and get on with her own life. Your grandmother should have helped encourage that relationship too.

CarterBeatsTheDevil · 04/07/2023 22:55

Also, attaching to your primary caregiver (your grandmother) was totally normal child development. Attachment is necessary to survival for babies, OP. You did exactly the right thing. If your mother had been your primary caregiver, you would have attached to her. None of this was or is your fault.

Dibbydoos · 04/07/2023 22:55

DismantleThePatriarchy · 04/07/2023 20:59

Maybe your Mum would have loved you with her, since you seem to have ahead a loving relationship but decided to leave you be in the life you were happy and settled in? Perhaps her priority wasn’t really him, but stability for you?

Yes, and that is the reason I accepted as a child.

But she went on to have 2 children and was a devoted and excellent mother in the conventional sense to them both. In a lovely stable marriage with her husband.

Logic dictates that I must not have been worth the effort, not like my siblings. Maybe that's not factually true, but it is an overwhelming feeling right now.

It's not logical that because your mum had 2 other children, she didn't want you or you weren't good enough. IMO that is emotion (pain) you're describing not logic.

I think DismantleThePatriarchy is nearer the truth. My mum was in your exact situ. Her mum kept her with her grandparents for 2 reasons

They had money and doted on my mum
She only had 2 bedrooms and 4 people, so when mum stayed over, she had to sleep in the lounge. My grandparents couldn't afford to buy a bigger house. In any case my mum didn't want to live with them. She loved it at her grandparents house.

Unlike you, my mum and grandma never got on well - my grandma and mum are both equally head strong.

The logic in me says, if your mum did not want you, you would not be here. Ergo, she wanted you. She loved you.

Grieve for the times you won't have now she has passed away and not the pretend time you think you could have had.

Sending a big hug OP xxx

Duckingella · 04/07/2023 22:55

There is absolutely nothing wrong with you.

Quite simply it sounds as though your mum was too young and unprepared for a baby and took the easy option of leaving you with her parents who presumably knew what they were doing.

My 17 year old DD has two separate friends who are in this situation;both mums were teenagers,both were overwhelmed and left their babies (one boy,one girl)with their parents and both have moved on,settled in new relationships and had more children.

The mum of the girl moved across the country and tells people even her DH's family that the girl is her teenage sister and her mums 'menopause' baby.I strongly suspect that she thinks people will judge her as women are often ostracised more than men for abandoning their children.

Original poster

DismantleThePatriarchy · 04/07/2023 22:55

And I hasten to add - thank you sincerely to everyone who is taking the time to talk this over with me.

It gets really confusing really quickly, even the doubt over to keep going to therapy or not.

OP posts:

EmilyDickinson · 04/07/2023 22:57

It is an important part of child development that they form a secure and loving attachment to at least one reliable adult. This is often a parent but doesn’t have to be. As a small child you needed (not chose but needed) to form a secure and loving attachment. The only possible person was your grandmother because your mum was only an occasional visitor and was not the person in your life providing consistent, loving care. It is absolutely not your fault

MrsMorrisey · 04/07/2023 22:59

DismantleThePatriarchy · 04/07/2023 20:54

I am doing yes, but I don't know if it is making it worse? Maybe I should just try harder to bury the pain?

The therapist is nice but part of me feels she is sitting there privately feeling there must be something wrong with me. Because I failed to trigger unconditional love in my mother that would walk through fire rather than be separated.

It is like being forced to admit my own lack of real humanity.

I very very much doubt your therapist thinks that.

Mumtothreegirlies · 04/07/2023 23:03

I can understand the pain you’re feeling but being a young mum at 18 myself, I can understand how it may have panned out the way it did.
she left you in your grandparents care when she was very young and alot can happen mentally in a few short years for a young person.
by the time she felt capable perhaps She thought you were too settled or maybe your grandparents convinced her not to.
perhaps she felt she didn’t have a right to take you away from them and her marriage was the beginning of a fresh start for her.

Taytocrisps · 04/07/2023 23:03

It probably sounds daft to Mumsnet now me saying how I desperately want her now, after I was fickle and did a massive amount of the rejecting myself right from the start. I'm not even sure that's normal child development, to just completely attach to my grandmother instead?

You're being too hard on yourself. I don't for a minute believe that you consciously rejected your Mother. You were a small child trying to adapt to a very major change in your life - the loss of your primary caregiver. You must have been so confused.

I feel so ashamed by this it's difficult to even write it. I'm not sure I could say it aloud.

If you think it would be too difficult to say all this to your counsellor, could you write it down instead and hand her the sheet of paper to read?

Mumtothreegirlies · 04/07/2023 23:06

Also to add to my last post, my dad was adopted and 3 years later his biological parents married and went on to have 3 more children. Despite them being full siblings none of his siblings want to meet him and neither does his mother. They won’t even offer an explanation and we know they’re definitely full siblings as it was confirmed with dna.
some things are unexplainable and make no sense

MrsMorrisey · 04/07/2023 23:07

DismantleThePatriarchy · 04/07/2023 21:37

I think the therapist is pretty good actually. I don't think the problem is her at all. I see her through an organisation that helps adults who were adopted, as although I wasn't adopted they said my situation fell within their remit.

One of the best things about the therapy there is I just feel like the therapist 'gets' it when it comes to complex family dynamics. That is really valuable.

I just hate my pain being visible to anyone, as it seems like it amplifies it somehow.

I get what you mean. I can be like that but I find the more we open up to people and allow them to see our pain and all things associated, the more it helps us.
To be an open book can be retched when we reveal those parts of our life because if we open up and the feelings are not sorted then your just left with an open hole.
Does that make sense to you?

Your therapist sounds like she gets you. Allow her to give you compassion for you need it.
I'm sorry you're going through this OP, it must be very hard xx

CatsSnore · 04/07/2023 23:07

It is great that you attached to your grandma OP! Babies and children need strong attachments to develop properly. There is nothing to feel guilty about.

LadyJ2023 · 04/07/2023 23:08

Unfortunately sometimes there are situations beyond a person's control. My newborn 13 years ago ended up with my parents for 5 years. I missed all the growing stuff. He still likes to stay there often but now we have a nice relationship back. If I could eradicate that ex husband I would for telling lies in court preventing me from having my baby. Eventually they were all proven to be lies but it took 5 years. I've since had 3 more and enjoyed every second with my now lovely hubby and kids and oldest adores his other siblings but obviously is still very close to my parents also which I don't mind one bit.im grateful at the time they offered to have him or he would have ended up in the system

NoSquirrels · 04/07/2023 23:11

So it feels like I have brought this on myself.

I was fickle and did a massive amount of the rejecting myself right from the start.

You were so small. This isn’t your burden to bear. You did no wrong. Yiu acted just as a child is supposed to act, for self-preservation and protection. You have to somehow forgive your small-child self first, separate to anything else.

I almost feel like I am experiencing the waves of grief of the first separation when I was a very small child a long time ago? Alongside the actual grief of bereavement? Is that possible or absurd?

It’s absolutely not absurd. You sound so perceptive and self-aware. You need to trust yourself; the ability to do that, this too will be coloured by your early experiences.

I’m so sorry for your loss, OP.

sadsack78 · 04/07/2023 23:13

Oh, my love. I'm so sorry you're going through this.

I read somewhere that it is easier for children to blame themselves for a lack of love than to face the reality that their parents are not giving them what they need. It's less scary and destabilising to just blame yourself rather than admit that the adults who are supposed to protect you aren't reliable.

I think therapy could work wonders for you- it might be the case that you need to seek a different therapist who specialises in inner child work or internal family systems. You have a hurt, abandoned little girl inside you. You need help connecting to her and you need to learn how to hold her tight and give her the unconditional love she never got.

I also recommend the books and meditations of Tara Brach. You might not feel up to it right now but her work is designed to help you let go of feeling like there is something wrong with you and love yourself.

I am sending you love, OP. My situation is not quite the same as yours but by 18 I was disowned by parents who never wanted or loved me. If it wasn't for my DH who knows where I'd be now. The abandonment wound cuts very deep. But I believe in you- you were and are beautiful, whole and loveable. With time, I hope you are able to truly feel that ❤

If it's possible on Mumsnet, feel free to message me if you need it. Wishing you love xx