To think showing obvious favourites between children is crap

[thunderboltsandlightening]

For background, DH and I have been together for 7 years, married for 4. I already had 2 DDs when we met (now 15 and 10). DH and I also have 1 DS, who is nearly 4.

We are a happy little unit and DH treats DDs as his own, there are no differences in how the children are treated.

DH has a close extended family, and I fit in well with them all - we look forward to family get togethers, and see his cousins regularly as we have children of similar ages.

This issue rears its head every year when both DDs birthdays come around. Their birthdays are not acknowledged, no birthday wishes, no cards, no gifts. (I must be clear - this is not about gifts, I wouldn’t dream of dictating how anyone spends their money!).

For the first 3 or 4 years of our relationship, DDs birthdays were acknowledged by the whole family. Cards were given, sometimes gifts too.

The change has came around since DS was born. To avoid drip feeding, this also coincided with Covid and untreated PND on my part. My PND hasn’t affected my relationship with the family, as far as I am aware. I don’t even think they know! I am now well.

Messages start weeks before his birthday, asking if there is anything he “needs”. DHs family turn up on his birthday with gifts and send lots of messages. This is lovely for DS, however, I would rather none of their birthdays were acknowledged than DHs family showing such obvious favourites.

For context, apart from DDs, older kids’ birthdays in the family are acknowledged and all children (including DDs) are treated the same at Christmas.

AIBU for thinking this is shitty behaviour, and also a bit weird?? I can’t get my head around it. At times I think we should go low contact, but we genuinely get on so well.

What does your h think ?

DH agrees that it’s not fair on DDs. He has never brought it up with his family, only his mum.

Neither of them want to rock the boat…

I can see both sides of this.

I don't expect my OH family to do anything for my kids birthdays.

I can see both sides. Yes it's hurtful for your DC, especially as you've been together so long.

But I've never had birthday cards/messages from my step-parents families. My DC don't get things from their step-mums family. When I was in a relationship I wouldn't have expected DPs family to do anything for my DCs birthday.

I understand what you’re saying @speluncean, there’s no expectation and certainly no sense of entitlement from me:

It’s the obvious difference between DS and his sisters that’s grating on me. I’d rather none of their birthdays were celebrated by them, than 1 out of 3.

I think this is a case of if they started doing the girls birthdays then dropped it after DS was born then that's shit. They had set a precedent

If they had never acknowledged the DSDs birthdays then that would still be a bit poor form but not the slap the former feels like

YANBU

But you can't expect that.

Thanks for your insights, they’re much appreciated.

I think I needed to get it off my chest, this has been heating on me for a while.

*grating

I sympathise, OP.

BIL would always buy one of my 3 children a birthday present because it was near a time we’d meet up each summer. He never remembered the other two - I guess because he wasn’t expecting to see them that week so they weren’t in his thoughts. Reminders from DH and MIL made no difference.

After the other two started to notice (and a few years of my stupidly buying something for them “from Uncle BIL”) we just asked him not to buy anything for birthdays. It just wasn’t fair and felt divisive.

If you meet up regularly could you do a BBQ or something for your DD birthday and invite DH family to DD's birthday BBQ. They might show up with at least a card then. I think it's very mean of them and If the BBQ idea didn't work then I'd tell them no birthday cards and gifts for DS either. Just insist all DC are treated the same. I'm very lucky because when I married my in-laws treated my 2 children as their own DGC. DH and I don't have children together but his parents have always treated my DC equally. Every summer they took my 2 boys for a week as they live by the coast and my goodness my boys got spoiled. DH and I went on a couple holidays . Then later in summer DH, me, DS's and in-laws all went on holiday together for a week and in-laws offered to babysit 2 or 3 evenings so we could eat out. Now my DS are grown up they still go to see their Nan (DH's Mum) driving a couple of hours to see her. She still dotes on them. I've always loved my in-laws because of how well they treated my boys. I invited MiL to help me choose my wedding dress. She never had any daughters, she had 2 boys, but she says I'm her DD.

What's the situation with your DDs Dad, do they have contact with him and/or his family?

If so, how do they treat your DS?

So it's not his mum, it's wider family? Are they aware it's their birthdays, do they see the celebrations etc? Yes I know they've bought them gifts before but have they forgotten as it isn't central to their mind?

Also, do your DDs have a relationship with their dad and his family?

YABU to expect them not to.buy for your DS if he is their actual grandson.

I will never get this distinction between children and step children. One you are together in a family unit that's what you are, regardless of your birth, and I would give my opinions absolutely to any adult who thought it was ok to behave differently.

Presents don't have to be flashy, expensive or cards huge, if you acknowledge one child's birthday then you acknowledge them all. It's disgraceful behaviour from adults.

My mum once gave my youngest 100 because he happened to be in a sport that her DH is massively involved in. I gave her the option of taking it back or giving my older child the same for his sport. She gave him the same, and now doesn't give anything to either aside from 20 in an envelope on their birthdays. Perfectly acceptable. (And they are not stepbrothers)

I don't understand people who expect wider family to treat step children identically to fill children. If the op and her partner split up her family will never see those kids again.

YABU to expect them not to.buy for your DS if he is their actual grandson.

Seriously? They have been a family for 7yrs and you think that's acceptable behaviour? Absolutely dreadful.

You’re not comparing like for like, harsh as it is and not something I would do, DH’s family aren’t related to your children.

I buy my siblings step children presents at Christmas but I wouldn't even know when their birthdays are.

Agree with this completely. I have step nieces who live with bio niece and couldn't imagine leaving them out.

DDs have not had any contact with their bio F for approx 8 years. His choice. They have regular contact with their lovely paternal aunt, she gives/sends a card for DSs birthday and Christmas. Paternal grandparents are deceased.

I believe DHs family are aware of when DDs birthdays are. They ask in the run up to birthdays if they have any parties with their friends planned, etc. Plus DDs birthdays have been on the same date each year since they have known them. I find a calendar reminder keeps me on track.

To those saying it’s acceptable for my DHs family to treat DDs differently in case we split up.. do you wish your friends a happy birthday? By this logic, you wouldn’t bother, incase you have a fall out and never see them again. Bizarre.

I think it's unfair that they used to send a card and a small gift for dd but suddenly stopped. In your shoes I'd rather that they never sent anything.

It's good that the girls aren't forgotten at Christmas but is this because they see your MIL/FIL at Christmas but not on birthdays?

Because your kids are not blood relation

Because your kids are not blood relation

That's unacceptable. They are married and they are a family.

If a member of my family married someone who had kids I don't think I would really think of the children as nieces and nephews of mine. As long as they are nice to your children I wouldn't take them not celebrating their birthdays as an insult.