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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think showing obvious favourites between children is crap

55 replies

thunderboltsandlightening · 04/07/2023 18:51

For background, DH and I have been together for 7 years, married for 4. I already had 2 DDs when we met (now 15 and 10). DH and I also have 1 DS, who is nearly 4.

We are a happy little unit and DH treats DDs as his own, there are no differences in how the children are treated.

DH has a close extended family, and I fit in well with them all - we look forward to family get togethers, and see his cousins regularly as we have children of similar ages.

This issue rears its head every year when both DDs birthdays come around. Their birthdays are not acknowledged, no birthday wishes, no cards, no gifts. (I must be clear - this is not about gifts, I wouldn’t dream of dictating how anyone spends their money!).

For the first 3 or 4 years of our relationship, DDs birthdays were acknowledged by the whole family. Cards were given, sometimes gifts too.

The change has came around since DS was born. To avoid drip feeding, this also coincided with Covid and untreated PND on my part. My PND hasn’t affected my relationship with the family, as far as I am aware. I don’t even think they know! I am now well.

Messages start weeks before his birthday, asking if there is anything he “needs”. DHs family turn up on his birthday with gifts and send lots of messages. This is lovely for DS, however, I would rather none of their birthdays were acknowledged than DHs family showing such obvious favourites.

For context, apart from DDs, older kids’ birthdays in the family are acknowledged and all children (including DDs) are treated the same at Christmas.

AIBU for thinking this is shitty behaviour, and also a bit weird?? I can’t get my head around it. At times I think we should go low contact, but we genuinely get on so well.

OP posts:
nokidshere · 04/07/2023 21:51

If a member of my family married someone who had kids I don't think I would really think of the children as nieces and nephews of mine. As long as they are nice to your children I wouldn't take them not celebrating their birthdays as an insult.

Actively celebrating one birthday and excluding 2 is appalling behaviour by any adult, especially when they are the family of one of your close relatives.

They don't have to be nieces and nephews to get a card and/or a gift.

AllBlackEverything · 04/07/2023 21:52

Do your DDs not have paternal relatives that buy them birthday gifts? If they do, do the paternal relatives also buy gifts for your DS?

MillicentTrilbyHiggins · 04/07/2023 22:01

AllBlackEverything · 04/07/2023 21:52

Do your DDs not have paternal relatives that buy them birthday gifts? If they do, do the paternal relatives also buy gifts for your DS?

Why would they? Its not the same situation.

AllBlackEverything · 04/07/2023 22:04

MillicentTrilbyHiggins · 04/07/2023 22:01

Why would they? Its not the same situation.

Show quote history

Isn't it? I'd have thought it would make sense for the paternal family of each child to make efforts for their birthdays. That sounds fair to me.

If it's unfair to DD for DS' paternal relatives not to buy them gifts, why isn't it unfair to DS the other way around?

Tosire · 04/07/2023 22:08

Is it not exactly the same situation? I don't get how it differs.

MillicentTrilbyHiggins · 04/07/2023 22:14

Of course it's not the same.
My DC have a step mum. Her family are my DCs step family. Now I'm not saying they have to buy them presents or anything, but they are family by marriage.

My exs DC with his wife are nothing to do with me/ my family. They aren't step family to me.

Gogodonu · 04/07/2023 22:19

Get over yourself they aren’t a true relation, and have absolutely no obligation to spend their money on your children from a previous failed relationship.

the entitlement here is astonishing

AllBlackEverything · 04/07/2023 22:24

MillicentTrilbyHiggins · 04/07/2023 22:14

Of course it's not the same.
My DC have a step mum. Her family are my DCs step family. Now I'm not saying they have to buy them presents or anything, but they are family by marriage.

My exs DC with his wife are nothing to do with me/ my family. They aren't step family to me.

They are your children's siblings. By your logic, they are your family too.

speluncean · 04/07/2023 22:25

I don't understand why people expect step children to be treated the same by wider family.

If the couple divorce you'd never see those kids again.

You'd still see the joint child when contact / access was taking place. But you'd never see the step kids again.

It's not the same as friends - I choose my friends, I don't choose my brother's partner and the kids that come with her.

I'm kind to the kids when I see them, I do get Christmas presents when they're here but I'm very aware that if he splits from her I'll never see them again and I'm not going to invest in a relationship with them. I've done this before and it broke my heart when they split and those kids were gone - who I did treat exactly as niece And nephew and had to stay in my house and kept for weeks so they could work and phoned regularly and took out for days out

nokidshere · 04/07/2023 22:27

the entitlement here is astonishing

It's not about entitlement. It's about treating children with love and respect. There's little effort and money involved in sending a child a card for their birthday. Whether or not they are blood related is not important. They are family by marriage and to ignore their birthday whilst celebrating their brothers is just plain nasty and uncalled for.

SemperIdem · 04/07/2023 22:28

It’s tricky because they set a precedent and then stopped.

But generally speaking I think it is unrealistic and unreasonable to expect wider family to treat step children as family, just because a relative is in a relationship with/married to their parent.

MillicentTrilbyHiggins · 04/07/2023 22:30

AllBlackEverything · 04/07/2023 22:24

They are your children's siblings. By your logic, they are your family too.

Show quote history

Ummm.. no? They are my children's family. I have no tie to them.

My DCs step- mum is linked to them by her marriage to their Father. I am not linked to her previous DC/their joint DC in anyway.

It could be argued that her family are also linked to them by that marriage. Although I personally disagree with that as they didn't choose to have step grandchildren/nieces/nephews

But its still not the same situation.

speluncean · 04/07/2023 22:31

I would be astounded if my oh family treated my kids the same as they treat his.

EineReiseDurchDieZeit · 04/07/2023 22:33

is everyone overlooking the fact that both these girls WERE bought birthday presents up until the blood related child was born? Then it stopped

Shady behaviour

Original poster
thunderboltsandlightening · 04/07/2023 22:34

ODFO. Where did I said my DHs family should be spending money on my DDs?

A birthday wish costs nothing.

OP posts:
Quitelikeit · 04/07/2023 22:35

If he told his mum about it what does she say? Does she still get the girls gifts?

I think it’s very strange tbh and I can see why you are hurt

Original poster
thunderboltsandlightening · 04/07/2023 22:36

The above is in response to @Gogodonu

OP posts:
gemtart · 04/07/2023 22:37

What did his mother say when he mentioned it to her?

Original poster
thunderboltsandlightening · 04/07/2023 22:38

MiL doesn’t really want to get involved, she does find it bizarre.

She is very kind to DDs, goes out of her way to include them. MiL is on her own, so comes on holiday with us etc. The girls love her 😊

OP posts:
Wtsthepoint · 04/07/2023 22:50

My situation is very similar, I have a ds and a dd from a relationship and 2 dc with my partner of 9 years (who gas a dd from a previous relationship)
His family spoil his dd and our 2 dc but constantly leave my other 2 dc out. It breaks my heart.
I understand they aren't blood related, I don't expect them to dote on them the same way. I accept my own part (though I was unaware of how difficult it would actually be when I chose to get with my partner) in the life I have created for my kids.
If I'd known then what I know now I'd have never blended my family. Not saying I regret it or that I'd leave (as that would create more pain and misery)...but it's so damn hard to accept that they just won't ever love then like you do.
I feel your pain, I really do

Gogodonu · 04/07/2023 23:10

thunderboltsandlightening · 04/07/2023 22:34

ODFO. Where did I said my DHs family should be spending money on my DDs?

A birthday wish costs nothing.

A birthday wish 😂 As if you’d be happy with a ‘best wishes’ you’d be complaining that your son gets cards and presents and they get a birthday wish 🙄

moneymatr · 04/07/2023 23:43

We had similar. My two dd were a bit of a novelty at first but then when ds and dn came along they were very much poor relations. There's also family pictures on the walls none of my dd. Very hurtful

Curseofthenation · 04/07/2023 23:44

So your MIL does acknowledge your DDs' birthdays? It is DH's siblings that you're annoyed with? If it was your parents in law then I could be a liitle more sympathetic but I think you need to let this go if it's siblings. It's mean that they sent cards and stopped but going NC is OTT.

It's also sad your DDs don't have much family on their paternal side but that doesn't mean your DH's whole family can replace them. I imagine you wouldn't feel as put out if your DDs had more family. I would be glad that your MIL as loved them like a grandparent and be grateful.

Avondale89 · 04/07/2023 23:49

My god, there are some nasty people on this website. Excellent place to come if you feel any faith in society at all and need to have it drummed out of you.

nokidshere · 04/07/2023 23:57

No wonder blended families don't work when family members can't even show kindness and fairness to children. It's just about (but not in my eyes) understandable if a step child is only there infrequently, but the parents are married and all 3 children live in the same home with the same two parents it's really unforgivable.

A child is a child. Any child living in my home - whoever they 'belonged' to would be treated exactly the same as my own. And if my parents or siblings didn't do that then they wouldn't be welcome to see/treat any of them.

Any adult who can't send a birthday card and/or small gift to a family member (even if only by marriage), and thinks it's acceptable to just send 1 child out of 3 a card, needs to take a good long look at themselves.