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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

No family at wedding - AIBU?

54 replies

Carpetangels · 04/07/2023 15:15

DP and I are planning our wedding, and we've started discussing the guest list. This will be my second marriage. My family disowned me when I divorced exDH six years ago. He was abusive to me but very charming and manipulative towards my family, turning a number of them against me. It was all very hurtful at the time. As a result, I've had no contact with any of my extended family since then and have no desire to. I had a small family to begin with (no father, deceased grandparents, and being an only child), so I'll only be inviting my mum, surviving grandparent, a few family friends, and my close circle of friends, totalling around 20 people.

On the other hand, DP has a large, close-knit family, and his guest list amounts to over 80 people. While DP is aware of my family situation, I've never shared it with his extended family as I’m embarrassed and there’s never been the need.

Although I've come to terms with cutting out toxic “family” from my life, I worry about how DP's family and other guests will perceive my minimal guest count. AIBU in thinking they will they question or judge me? I'd appreciate any advice you can offer on how best to handle this situation. Thank you!

OP posts:
LadyDanburysHat · 04/07/2023 15:17

I think you should get your DP to cut his list, so the disparity isn't so huge. But I also think nice people won't judge you for having a small family. They don't have to know there are more member you don't speak to.

ComtesseDeSpair · 04/07/2023 15:22

Not everyone has a close extended family, and increasingly few people have multiple living grandparents one they’re past their early twenties. I can’t imagine it will be of much curiosity to many people at all. You’ll have your living parent and grandparent and your friends. “My family is quite small, but the most important people are here” is a fine response if anyone asks about it.

FoodFann · 04/07/2023 15:34

I wouldn’t judge you at all. Remember, they’re not all going to turn up wearing an ‘I’m with the groom’ t-shirt. Make sure you mingle everyone up, and don’t have a his and hers side of the ceremony-venue. It’ll be fine. Everyone is there to socialise and have a good time, they aren’t counting your family/friends.

Congratulations, and have a wonderful wedding OP!

Nuca · 04/07/2023 15:38

DH has a very small family but quite a few friends, and I have a bit more family and just a close circle of friends so he had loads more there than I did. We made sure everyone was mixed in the church, no specific family side. And we had no seating plan for the reception, people just sat where they wanted. Everyone was mingling and got on well, and apart from obvious family and close friends who know each other, nobody else would have known who was there for who if that makes sense

MadamWhiteleigh · 04/07/2023 15:39

Meghan Markle had one family member at her wedding, and that was in front of the entire planet. No shame in it, be proud of the family you do have. It’s not a competition.

Fifthtimelucky · 04/07/2023 15:39

My husband and I were the other way round. I have a big family. He was an only child and has only one aunt and no cousins.

Its over 30 years ago but I suspect fewer than 20 people at our wedding were 'his' guests. It suited me as it left more places available for my family and friends and I don't think anyone commented on it.

takealettermsjones · 04/07/2023 15:41

Just don't have sides at the ceremony and nobody will even notice. I don't think it would be fair to make DH cull his list to make it more even!

Original poster
Carpetangels · 04/07/2023 15:43

MadamWhiteleigh · 04/07/2023 15:39

Meghan Markle had one family member at her wedding, and that was in front of the entire planet. No shame in it, be proud of the family you do have. It’s not a competition.

That’s a good point! I definitely need to care less. Something I’m still working on

OP posts:
BlameItOnTheGoose · 04/07/2023 15:44

I went to a wedding recently where the vast majority of the guests were from one side. No one including me cared one jot.

Honestly people will just want to see you and your DH happy and enjoying the day.

BellaJuno · 04/07/2023 15:54

As long as everyone there wishes you well, it doesn’t matter who’s side they’re technically from. You’ve got quality over quantity on your side 🙂

FlamingoQueen · 04/07/2023 15:57

I wouldn’t worry too much. Some people just have small families.

SpringleDingle · 04/07/2023 15:58

My family is a total of 12 people all told without there being any past issues. We just have a habit of producing only children and the grandparents are all deceased so it's my parents, my aunt and uncle, my 2 cousins and their 1 child, my sister and her 2 kids and my DD. You don't need to explain anything - you have a small family, they need know no more!

Original poster
Carpetangels · 04/07/2023 16:00

Thanks so much everyone, feeling much better reading these

OP posts:
justme2022 · 04/07/2023 16:05

My partners family is his parents, 1 sibling and 1 niece. Should we decide to get married the bare minimum I could get my lot down to (unless we elope) is 60-70 people. Peoples families come in all shapes and sizes.

toastofthetown · 04/07/2023 16:12

I’m not sure why you would feel his family would judge your family size? DH had three family members at our wedding whereas I had over thirty and no one commented. I’d have been annoyed if (like a previous poster suggested) DH had asked I cut down my family, who I love and wanted to celebrate with, to reduce the disparity.

Almost every wedding I’ve been to has had some form of ‘pick a seat, not a side’ for ceremony seating, and your ushers could help with that too, if your worry is that one side of the room will be more populated than the other.

Drummend01 · 04/07/2023 16:14

Dont look at it as 20:80, look at it as his family is your family, together you’ll be celebrating your love with the 100 people that truly love and care for you both. It’s not about blood or genetics. I hope you have a lovely day!

bucketoflego · 04/07/2023 16:15

I attended a wedding where we were all told to just fill up the seats, no groom this side or bride this side. First couple of rows were for the immediate family and then everyone else just filled up the church so there was no comparing numbers. Maybe you could do something like that?

drpet49 · 04/07/2023 16:18

LadyDanburysHat · 04/07/2023 15:17

I think you should get your DP to cut his list, so the disparity isn't so huge. But I also think nice people won't judge you for having a small family. They don't have to know there are more member you don't speak to.

I wouldn’t do that. Why punish the DP?

BrambIeberry · 04/07/2023 16:24

I come from a tiny family, exh's was large. I have way more friends though. I don't believe any relatives on his side had any idea who, from my side, were friends or family. And I don't think anyone cared.

GaspingGekko · 04/07/2023 16:36

My DH has a huge extended family. I had 3 relatives alive when we married. Only 2 now.
And we are an interracial marriage, so it was obviously whose family people belonged to.
I really don't think that anyone really noticed the difference. And they certainly didn't question if my family were missing due to some family fall out, or if my family was just small.

The only thing for me would be if your DHTB has invited a wider friendship group than you. The disparity in numbers risks it feeling more like his day than your joint day. Has he invited colleagues or less close friends or is it mainly family?

Wiennetta · 04/07/2023 16:42

We had quite a big difference between my guest numbers and DH’s guest numbers.

No real reason - I’ve got groups of friends from two schools, Uni, various different jobs etc and a bigger family and he’s got smaller family and really one main group of friends plus a couple of individual friends.

I don’t think any of the guests would have know who ‘belonged’ to each side.

If they did I can’t imagine they’d care - put yourself in a guest’s shoes - have you ever thought anything of a bride/groom with a smaller guest list when you’ve attended a wedding? It’s never crossed my mind as a guest.

Stratocumulus · 04/07/2023 16:47

MadamWhiteleigh · 04/07/2023 15:39

Meghan Markle had one family member at her wedding, and that was in front of the entire planet. No shame in it, be proud of the family you do have. It’s not a competition.

This!
In my experience no one will notice. Not a soul will care anyway.
Relax regarding this aspect and look forward to having a lovely day surrounded by those who love you both.

Abouttoblow · 04/07/2023 17:15

If anyone asks, just say you're an only child and so were your parents.

RedHelenB · 04/07/2023 17:38

LadyDanburysHat · 04/07/2023 15:17

I think you should get your DP to cut his list, so the disparity isn't so huge. But I also think nice people won't judge you for having a small family. They don't have to know there are more member you don't speak to.

Why should he? That's a silly solution.

Alargeoneplease89 · 04/07/2023 17:46

I had a small wedding only 3 people invited by me and 20 of my DH, so it was obvious. Honestly me and DH joked about it and still had a fantastic day.

Don't worry about numbers on sides, just remember they are their to celebrate your big day.

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