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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

No family at wedding - AIBU?

54 replies

Carpetangels · 04/07/2023 15:15

DP and I are planning our wedding, and we've started discussing the guest list. This will be my second marriage. My family disowned me when I divorced exDH six years ago. He was abusive to me but very charming and manipulative towards my family, turning a number of them against me. It was all very hurtful at the time. As a result, I've had no contact with any of my extended family since then and have no desire to. I had a small family to begin with (no father, deceased grandparents, and being an only child), so I'll only be inviting my mum, surviving grandparent, a few family friends, and my close circle of friends, totalling around 20 people.

On the other hand, DP has a large, close-knit family, and his guest list amounts to over 80 people. While DP is aware of my family situation, I've never shared it with his extended family as I’m embarrassed and there’s never been the need.

Although I've come to terms with cutting out toxic “family” from my life, I worry about how DP's family and other guests will perceive my minimal guest count. AIBU in thinking they will they question or judge me? I'd appreciate any advice you can offer on how best to handle this situation. Thank you!

OP posts:
YouTubeIsYourMotherNow · 04/07/2023 18:02

This happened to us because my family moved around a lot and extended family are mostly out of the country, whereas for DH they've lived in the same community for several decades. I remember feeling sad about it before the wedding but on the day it was not an issue because:
a) most guests haven't the foggiest what proportion are one side or the other
b) I could fit all mine right at the front nearest to where I was sitting for reception and nearest to me during the ceremony, so that's all I saw.
c) DH side paid the proportional difference in cost of meals and so provided they kept within the venue limits it didn't make a difference to me.

dancinginthesky · 04/07/2023 19:36

Absolutely fine - simply don't have sides for people and get people to sit anywhere

If I attended a wedding where there was a lot of one and a few of the other all I would think without further knowledge is that one came from a larger family than the other

dancinginthesky · 04/07/2023 19:38

Little confused why nice people would ever judge anyone for having a small family it's not really something people can help if they do 😅

We only know there are uninvited relatives of OP because they said so

meeeeeeshel · 05/07/2023 07:26

No one will bat an eyelid.
My DH has a huge family who we see regularly. I don't see my extended family at all. So it seemed silly to invite them all when I'd not seen them in years so I didn't - just immediate family and it was fine and no one said a thing.
Now being part of the big family at weddings, they just know they are huge but never judge the other side - literally just laugh at how many of them there are because now with all the babies, it's ridiculous 🤣 but no judgement at all.
It's your wedding. Enjoy and try to worry about what others think less. The day is for you, not the guests! The guests are there to celebrate with you!

CurzonDax · 05/07/2023 07:33

Nobody will notice/care. My DH had a lot more if his family at our wedding than I did. Nobody battered an eyelid. Everybody had a great time, and I had the people who mattered the most to me there.

JammyDodgeMe · 05/07/2023 07:38

I share your same concerns. Out of our guest list of 64 people, I only have 5 family members coming (3 are children) and 18 are friends. The rest are made up of my partner's family and friends. I'm looking at the bigger picture... His friends and family are becoming my family and friends and vice versa. It's also not a competition, nor a reflection on you as a person. Have fun planning your wedding.

BackOfTheMum5net · 05/07/2023 07:59

Some people have a small family, it doesn’t have to come with a huge backstory. My mum remarried and she has 3 siblings and all their offspring/partners attending. Her partner had maybe 7 guests?!!

I wouldn’t ask your partner to cut their guestlist- you should both have the people that matter there with you on the day. People will be having too much fun to nosey about your family (but even if they did, there’s nothing embarrassing or shameful about your story).

Have a lovely wedding!

TravelDazzle · 05/07/2023 08:03

Quite honestly, I doubt anyone would really notice! They'll all be too busy catching up with each other, dancing, drinking, eating, and generally enjoying the day. I wouldn't ask your DP to cut his list down. That’s really not fair to him at all.

pollykitty · 05/07/2023 08:05

I was in a similar situation when I remarried and the only family at my wedding were my parents. No one seemed to notice or care.

Floppyelf · 05/07/2023 08:08

MadamWhiteleigh · 04/07/2023 15:39

Meghan Markle had one family member at her wedding, and that was in front of the entire planet. No shame in it, be proud of the family you do have. It’s not a competition.

x1000

Avice · 05/07/2023 08:25

Honestly I don't think you should worry. Families come in all different sizes. Most adults know this and won't be focused on it on your wedding day. They will probably assume you come from a small family. My wedding was small only 25 guests but 17 were mine as my husband's family is about a third of the size of mine and no one blinked an eye. Neither of us invited our full family. I don't think mine would have fit. Let your husband have as many as he wants he wants to share the celebration with his family and that's beautiful. Honestly just enjoy your big day.

LobsterCrab · 05/07/2023 08:31

When my cousin got married, his wife's family made up well over half of the guest list. His family and all of both their friends came to a smaller number in total. It was a fun wedding! Don't worry OP.

Szuvs · 05/07/2023 08:43

This is not a question of reasonable/unreasonable. I think you're overly worried and still feeling very hurt by the betrayal of others. Your family isn't very big, that's all that needs to be said or anybody needs to know. Don't fear judgement. This should be a joyful occasion.

Fleur405 · 05/07/2023 08:59

I have a huuuuge family - 1 of 25 first cousins with 10 aunts/uncles - so with spouses that’s 70 people right there before I even invite any of the many kids or my immediate family. My OH on the other hand only has his sister, 2 aunts and 2 cousins.

I don’t think you have to worry about this or tell anyone anything as it’s just not a big deal (I get why it’s a big deal to you but can’t imagine anyone else will think anything of it). Maybe just have the seating during the ceremony mixed (rather than a bride’s side and a groom’s side) so it doesn’t make you feel uncomfortable.

MrsCarson · 05/07/2023 09:06

The guest numbers imbalance really doesn't matter. We have a family wedding coming up in about 9 months. The bride has a lot of close relatives, the groom has 7 relatives. So the groom is inviting all his friends to the whole thing. The bride and groom are happy with this and that's all that matters.

SleepingStandingUp · 05/07/2023 09:11

LadyDanburysHat · 04/07/2023 15:17

I think you should get your DP to cut his list, so the disparity isn't so huge. But I also think nice people won't judge you for having a small family. They don't have to know there are more member you don't speak to.

This approach is really unfair. Cutting 80 to 20 is likely to mean for DP that's he's picking between close friends and close family whilst OP arguably gets everyone she wants. It isn't his fault OP has a smaller circle, and there's nothing wrong with people knowing she has a small but perfectly formed network.

amispeakingintongues · 05/07/2023 09:17

I've been to a wedding like this before and grasped that the bride was just estranged from her side, and that was as much as I thought about it. Have a brilliant day making memories and invite who you like the guests won't care as much as you think

dancingsands · 05/07/2023 09:17

We had 80 people at our wedding, only 8 of them were my guests x

caringcarer · 05/07/2023 09:42

My DH only had a handful of family on his side. He had his Mum and Dad, 1 brother and 3 nieces one of whom was a bridesmaid. His parents are both only children so no Aunties, Uncles or cousins and his Grandmother had dementia and was in a nursing home 150 miles away but as she didn't even recognise her DS it was decided she'd not attend but be given wedding cake. DH invited quite a lot of his friends and a couple of work colleagues he's close too. It didn't matter. Have a lovely wedding.

BringOnSummerHolidays · 05/07/2023 10:00

But you do have family. You have your mum and a grandparent. You also have family friends and close friends. Be proud of what you have. You don't need those toxic extended family members.

Original poster
Carpetangels · 05/07/2023 14:27

Can’t thank you all enough for your lovely kind posts. It was exactly what I needed to hear!

OP posts:
billy1966 · 05/07/2023 14:41

Do not explain anything to anyone.

None of their business.

Lots of families are small.

Have a lovely day.

BestieBunch · 05/07/2023 17:51

As long as you’ve got the friends and family you would like with you to celebrate then that’s all that matters xx

SimplyReadHead · 05/07/2023 18:02

I am one of 14 cousins and have loads of aunts, uncles, etc.

I had about 60 family members to our wedding and my husband had 6.

My family all love him and treat him as ‘one of us’ so no-one really noticed who officially belonged to who!

No-one will notice and no-one will care.

have a lovely wedding

TragicMuse · 05/07/2023 18:05

I think you're overthinking it. My husband had no family st our wedding. Literally not a single one. I had the entirety of my extended family including my sister's in-laws.

No-one cared or said a thing. Why would they? It's not a competition. And you don't owe anyone an explanation.