I don't have any friends. Is it me?

[H0bn0b]

Ok so a little background. I've always been outgoing, chatty, but never one to go out on the town, drinking etc. I've always liked going for meals, meeting for coffee etc, admittedly, some may find that a bit boring. I don't gossip, and I struggle to be around gossip type people, especially those who slate each other, but are then best friends to each others faces. I think I'm a nice person, I'm caring and will do anything for anyone.

Anywho, now I'm in my 30s and since covid, I feel no one really makes an effort anymore? I'm close to my mum and sister so do spend time with them. I began to realise I was always the one messaging/arranging things and these were either cancelled or people just didn't turn up so I stopped bothering and now I haven't heard from anyone for well over 2 years. I can't recall doing anything wrong to any of them, I just seem to have been cut out? Not even invited to their baby showers/birthdays etc, when I even arranged two of their previous baby showers, and did the food etc.

I would say my husband is my best friend, we've been together nearly 20 years, but he was unwell last year with cancer, luckily he's ok now but I realised at the time that I had no one to speak to other than family? I cared for him alongside doing everything for our kids too and I just felt really lonely.

Where have I gone wrong here? My husband is supportive and tries to get me out to make new friends, but I feel like I must be a really unlikable person?

You sound very similar to me. In my case, I’ve moved around a lot. I didn’t go to uni which is where most people seem to meet their lifelong friends. I did join a group when I lived in Kent, but they were all retired or SAHMs, I worked in London Mon-Fri so could never join their afternoon teas/lunches/yoga sessions, only evenings….and that was always based around drinking and I don’t really drink.

I'm not a parent so others who are parents ignore me. Been cut off by two friends of 20+ years; one for not attending engagement party (clashed with another event I’d already paid for before knowing date) and another for not attending wedding (gave over 6 months notice that I couldn’t get time off work and couldn’t afford it).

I have a hobby and have people I speak to there but it’s just chit-chat. I don’t know what the answer is ☹️.

You sound very similar to me.

I’ve had more luck with people I meet through my hobbies (basically sport). In other circles (eg the school mum circle) I’m seen as a bit boring as I’m not really into wine & gossip.

I could have written your post! I'm in the same situation but my mum lives abroad and I don't have any siblings. My two best friends (known them over 20 years!) over the past year either got too busy for me or found a new social circle. I also stopped bothering with being the first one to initiate contact.

Over the past few weeks it's really been eating me up and I wonder if I'm not, to put it simply, too boring for people. Like you, I really don't know where did I go wrong. Maybe we should have partied crazy and then behaved outrageously? For people to take interest in us? I don't really know.

And the worst thing is that, in all this desperation, I even considered asking them straight "why?". But obviously nobody will tell me honestly why...

No advice but I don't think it's you. People change and have different priorities over time. TBH I would rather read a book than listen to someone moan or gossip about others

I have friends and I don't drink at all. In fact, I meet most at book clubs, museums and the theatre. Not all women gossip and drink wine and party.But you have to go out and find your people. At Meetup or on social media or by starting your own club.

I'm really boring largely because I'm disabled and so I can't drink (meds) and can't walk far.

I go for having lots of acquaintances, and over time some of them (not many) turn into friends.

I've just moved to a new area where I hardly know anyone so I'm joining everything I can think of, and if I don't have friends yet at least I'm busy!

I'm the same, although older, so kids have grown up and moved out, not partner, parents have both been dead 15+ years, one sibling who lives at the other end of the country who I have a Xmas cards/ birthday card relationship.

I was very involved in a sports club and made some friends through that but having stepped away about 18 months ago I only keep in touch with a couple of people. I know I am crap at keeping in contact and shy away from suggesting meet ups as I they are ususally busy with their families and lives, so I tend to wait until they get in touch, and so I only see them maybe once a month.

I feel I am an a vicious circle of not doing anything/seeing anyone so I feel boring and l won't have anything to talk about if I do meet up.

I have looked at other groups to join - hobbies, sports, politics - but can't seem to find anything local, not full of either really old or really young people, or not hideously expensive.

No none of you are boring.
I'm very sociable and have good friends. We don't sit gossiping about people. Some drink some don't. I'm in between. I can happily have a few or happily drive. I tend to host more than others.

You just need to find your people. Be interested in them. Join groups. Walking,book or anything that takes your fancy. There's lots of social groups on Facebook. I even made some for lonely women and men. I hate the thought of people being lonely. I didn't call them lonely groups though 😉 Look for local ones. Meet up is supposed to be ok too?

same here, I had a chronic illness in my 20s and I lost touch with everyone. Now I'm 37 with no friends. I don't have any family either apart from DP and DD. I would like to relationship at times but then I'd have absolutely no one apart from DD. It's really quite depressing.

What you say makes sense, a lot of sense. I work alternate weeks earlies then lates and EOW, so I can’t commit to stuff. It’s a bit of a pain, I couldn’t join a book club for example as I’d miss at least 4/10 (I’m on a 10 week rota), but it could be 6/10 as we have ‘spare’ weeks when we can cover any job 🙁.

Join some groups about things that interest you, or hobbies you have, sports are a good way to get into a community of like minded people. Its not you, this kind of thing happens if you don't have a group that are connected by some 'thing', like uni, work, sport etc

@H0bn0b quite simply - I have found my people!

Various reasons for me being in this boat.

and I’m doing a few things to get out of it or improve things. I volunteer a lot (chair if big village charity), I network, go to local events, dog sit so I can go walking and meet new faces and start chats. Attend hobby groups or lessons, joined a walking group…

anyway. If folks in here want a lonely souls group then surely we can organise on online one and some of us in similar areas could meet up?

I’m in Colne, Lancashire near the Yorkshire border.

ohhhh this is like OLD but somewhat less scary.

i have friends who are always the ones suggesting and arranging meet ups. If they suddenly stopped I would assume that they didn’t want to see me anymore and I wouldn’t get in touch. It’s insecurity from me rather than not wanting to be friends.

I can relate to a lot of this🙁

Any chance you’re in Greater Manchester?

I don't have any either. But I also don't have close family/do to confide in.

I'm alone with my thoughts.

It's a lonely like just sitting around or walking around on my own all the time just with my thoughts, which then turn negative because of course they would?

I think when you’re too friendly or too polite with everyone it can come across as insincere.

I think it’s actually okay to gossip or disagree in friendships because that’s what people do.

Sorry I’m not - my daughter is but she’s living the student life 😂

In the kindest possible way, it sounds like you’ve offered friendships to people who simply aren’t your people and they’ve taken what’s on offer and discarded the other bits because you aren’t their person either. You sound like you’re a good friend and you’ve worked out what you’re offering to a potential friend, so what is it that you’re looking for in a friendship? What sort of personalities do you tend to click with? Those are the people you need to search out.

I get tired of always being the organiser myself. Maybe your friends are too?

I am the same... but I have come to the conclusion that it'l is me most likely. People seem to like me for chit chat but not for deeper friendships. As soon as someone more interesting comes along, I am dumped.
It has been especially hard lately as 2 ladies I considered to be my friends excluded me from a meet up which hurt and made me realise I didn't have any other friends to turn to.
I try to concentrate on the good things I have in my life, my kids are healthy, I have a great husband and I will be honest this thread helped too because it shows I am not the only one to feel like this.

I can understand anxieties and insecurities making it difficult to reach out and get in touch with people. It’s something I’ve struggled with before.

But the problem is, if one person in a friendship is always the one to do the reaching out, suggesting meet ups and so on, then it’s very easy for that person to interpret the other person’s inaction as a lack of interest in the friendship.
They can’t see inside your head, they can’t know whether you’re not suggesting things because you’re insecure, or whether you’re not suggesting things because you aren’t interested in being friends.

Ah, she’ll have a great time. From what I hear, Manchester student life is buzzin’ (as we say up here 🤣).

I don’t have any friends. But I don’t put up with other peoples crap, so that’s probably why.

I think there's a lot in this, particularly thinking about what you actually want in friends, but one of the other things that comes up in the OP, and, not coincidentally, in so many posts on Mn by people who say they have no friends, is 'I'm a nice person, I'll do anything for anyone, I don't gossip, I'm polite -- so why doesn't anyone like me, when they appear to like the company of less nice people?'

I think this suggests a fundamental misunderstanding of friendships. What I look for in friends is interestingness -- do I enjoy their company, do they lead lives that interest me, do we have a lot to talk about, are there things we like doing together? I like people who love what they do, and a lot of my friends work in the arts, writers or musicians or artists or curators, or are knowledgeable about the arts, or paint or write themselves quite seriously alongside a day job. I like hillwalking, history, opera, books, art, so I have friends to I go to the opera or to exhibitions or walking in the mountains with. But I think one thing all my friends have in common is strong personalities, which would probably not be to everyone's taste.

To be blunt, I take 'nice' for granted, but it's not top of my list for key attributes in a potential friend. That would be 'Do I want to talk to this person? Am I excited at the idea of having them in my life? Would going up a mountain or to a concert with them be more enjoyable than doing it alone? Are they going to phone me up and say 'I have tickets to X -- want to come?' or 'Fancy climbing X with the children on Sunday?'

OP, other than 'nice', what do you bring to a friendship? What are you really like? What do you love? What are you like to talk to?