I don't have any friends. Is it me?

[H0bn0b]

Ok so a little background. I've always been outgoing, chatty, but never one to go out on the town, drinking etc. I've always liked going for meals, meeting for coffee etc, admittedly, some may find that a bit boring. I don't gossip, and I struggle to be around gossip type people, especially those who slate each other, but are then best friends to each others faces. I think I'm a nice person, I'm caring and will do anything for anyone.

Anywho, now I'm in my 30s and since covid, I feel no one really makes an effort anymore? I'm close to my mum and sister so do spend time with them. I began to realise I was always the one messaging/arranging things and these were either cancelled or people just didn't turn up so I stopped bothering and now I haven't heard from anyone for well over 2 years. I can't recall doing anything wrong to any of them, I just seem to have been cut out? Not even invited to their baby showers/birthdays etc, when I even arranged two of their previous baby showers, and did the food etc.

I would say my husband is my best friend, we've been together nearly 20 years, but he was unwell last year with cancer, luckily he's ok now but I realised at the time that I had no one to speak to other than family? I cared for him alongside doing everything for our kids too and I just felt really lonely.

Where have I gone wrong here? My husband is supportive and tries to get me out to make new friends, but I feel like I must be a really unlikable person?

I don't really recognise friendship, as defined by MN.

For me it's not about drama or gossip or drinking or partying. I just find friends with common interests. I have never had drama: we are not in high school. Any signs of drama and I just distance myself.

I sometimes think a lot of people believe they are above friendships. So they find it hard to make friends.

Also like pp said, I am not interested in just 'nice' friends. Prefer interesting people with similar tastes.

This is a really good post, couldn't agree more- we also seem to be very similar so maybe I am one of your friends with strong personalities!

You've probably hit the nail on the head there. Maybe I've been thinking about friendship attributes wrong. Out of all of my 'friends', I'm probably the most academic. I like animals, history, reading, gardening, cooking, being outdoors and appreciating nature.

God I sound so boring.

I'm funny and quick whitted. My 'friends', to be nice are more into Love Island and other tripe, and often didn't 'get' my comic references etc. We've all grown up together, so maybe we have just outgrown each other.

Thank you for everyone's honest replies.

I completely agree with Horizabel - be interesting, not nice.

I would far rather spend time with someone interested in history than Love Island. In fact, that’s pretty much my social circle these days - history-obsessed eccentrics who eschew reality tv. You just need to find more suitable people.

There are lots of us who love history and reading. You are not particularly unusual in that.

Nothing wrong with liking shopping and " Love Island" as well. But why be friends with people who don't share your interests.

Caution: you may not be as funny as you think!Maybe your friends get your jokes. They just don't find them funny.

Unnecessary comment there @MotherofGorgons

Horizabel is right. But you don’t sound boring at all! You sound really interesting and certainly someone I’d enjoy having a chat with over a cup of coffee. But if your friends are into things like Love Island, they’re going to struggle to find any common ground with you. Are they going to want to spend time with you, when they have no interest in your favourite things and they don’t understand your humour? And do you really feel comfortable in the company of people talking about who has the best six pack? These aren’t your people anymore.

@H0bn0b you sound fab 😂
Where do you live?

really not boring at all! Its just you probably haven't been around people like you enough and you somehow think those interests are boring when they're not to people also interested in them! I am nothing like the women I went to school with, some I still know and are friends but not super close because we are so very different. You can find other garden and outdoor loving people everywhere, I made friends with a lady on my street because of our gardens. You could join groups or actually go to short courses doing things you love is a good way to find a community. Find a good independent bookstore if you live in a smaller area, they always have stuff going on and events where you can meet like minded people :)

Sorry. But I am getting the vibe that the OP thinks she is above her friends. If so, make new friends. Reading, history, nature are hardly unusual hobbies. Bungee jumping maybe.

I think describing yourself as funny and quick witted is a bit 🙄. The OPs friends probably pick up on this whiff of condescension.

I had friends and then I became disabled and my life practically doesn't align anymore how it used to with who were my friends. No falling out, just a natural progression of distance due to circumstances.

I coped by finding an online hobby that I could do from home and socialise online with friends I made via that now mostly. I've met some in person but it's less frequent however I always have someone to call, watch a movie with on those share screen apps and group chats and they know my situation and make the effort to come to me for in person meetings

@MotherofGorgons I think OP Is trying to explain that whilst the perception of the things she is interested in might be ‘boring’ to some people, she isn’t and she enjoys having a laugh. It’s not condescending on an anonymous forum to say what your strengths are..I can be quick witted too. Wouldn’t walk around saying that, but it’s true and my friends appreciate that quality as much as I appreciate it in them (as well as other things) too.
I think the point she’s making is that she can be fun and is trying to understand what stops her friendships lasting.

If you pride yourself on not getting drunk and gossiping like other women then you're implying you're a better or more moral person on various levels. It also exudes "pick-me" behaviour which is when a woman loves defining themselves as "not being like other women".

So that is basically the answer. Your attempts at friendship were rejected because other women can sense your pick-me-ness and it's just not for them.

From your description of you we probably wouldn't be friends, not because of your interests (I like quite a few of them myself) but because they seem to be the be all and end all for you. It's like you're looking for a person that is a mirror image of yourself.
I like to party (I drink) my best friend doesn't do either of those things but we both have dogs that are the same breed so we walk them together (helps to get rid of my hangover!)
My other friend loves all of the soaps, I don't watch them so when we go out we get merry and talk about other things....people in common that we know for example (you probably consider that gossip but knowing people and generally what is happening in their lives is social currency, we are not badmouthing them).
I generally find that people with the most friends tend to mix well with and chat to all walks of life, perhaps your opinions on what would be a good friend for you are too narrow?

Oh you don't sound as nice from your update. I have friends who enjoy less cerebral shows than I might watch but then again sometimes I'll watch any old shite. I couldn't have a conversation about love island but I do have a laugh with all my friends. Then again I'm hilarious 😂😉

If you want hi brow mates maybe look at meet up? Hanging about the library won't get you any. Maybe history clubs? Or join a reenactment society that's full of nerds.

Flippin heck, I think you have have just said the same thing as me but got to the point much quicker!!!

Ok so by my previous post, I was indicating that I don't have much in common with my old friends and it's hard to fit in conversations that we all enjoy - not that I think I'm above them?

I also don't drink for personal reasons, but I'm not against people who do, and I certainly wouldn't judge anyone for it. I was meaning I'm often left out/not invited because of it.

Thank you for all your opinions, I'm obviously coming across as abrasive so thanks for highlighting that for me. It's something I can try to work on.

I'm in the same situation OP. Only difference is that I like going out, drinking etc. No one seems to want to, or at least not with me 😪 I am going through a bad time but have no one to talk to

One thing that I notice, OP, is that others have shared their stories, but you haven't engaged with any of them at all. That doesn't suggest huge empathy, although you said you're caring. Empathy doesn't guarantee friends, but do you generally show interest in others?

That's daft not inviting you because you don't drink. A few of my friends don't and I often drive, so drink soft or 0% IPA etc.

@FedUpWithEverything123 am sorry to hear that. Maybe start a thread if you haven't already? There was one recently saying they were struggling and they took some ideas and used them. If you do advanced search you should find it.

I don't think you come off as abrasive at all, I think some comments are a bit much! I think you're just noting a difference.

@Horizabel , I think you have something there about being selective about friendships.

I have never had problems making (collecting)'friends' but been quite passive in thinking about whether they are right for me and like @H0bn0b have ended up as the initiator/organiser/ facilitator for people who disappear when I stop giving.

In hindsight the 'friendships' were unsatisfying as I got very little nurture from them and as another pp said they take what's on offer but you're not really their cup of tea so off they go with their friends.

In contrast one of my best friendships has been with someone I started a business with (now defunct), loads of hard graft together, some arguments, lots and lots of laughter but similar outlook and tastes. A friend not an acquaintance.

Being nice is so overrated but women are socialised to please others. The advice to seek friends with similar interests is good, just don't set yourself up as organiser without reciprocation.

Hi bit late to the thread but where are you from (which area ) x

I've stopped organising things, it was always me organising nights out, meals, coffee and have noticed unless it's me initiating, no one bothers and have not bothered for a while now. Most people are selfish/self absorbed/lazy.

Even siblings, I make the effort to visit them as a single parent, do they bother to visit me? No.

Parents are dead, partner dead, other than my children I have one friend I see regularly, the rest, well I don't know if they are friends. It certainly seems one sided in that it's me whose always made the effort.