To send DS to live with his dad?

[7whiteclouds]

DS12’s behaviour at home has been getting progressively worse over the past couple of years, but particularly since starting secondary school. His behaviour out of the home and at school isn’t a problem at all - he’s very academically able, never gets in trouble at school apart from the odd bit of talking when he shouldn’t.

But at home, his behaviour (particularly towards me) is getting out of control. He has no respect for me, his attitude is appalling, his sarcasm is relentless and he argues and shouts until he’s blue in the face. Constantly has to be right, has to have the last word, always tries to give smart answers. But all of this is to the extreme. Our household is currently full of shouting/screaming/crying. It’s not a healthy, happy place and hasn’t been for quite a while.

Now, he’s not a bad kid ordinarily. He does have a good heart and he has been brought up with a lot of advantages and privileges. He doesn’t want for much. I would like to say that I have brought him up to have good morals, attitudes, boundaries, respect, kindness, compassion etc…and I would like to say that I am a good parent. Obviously I have my downfalls and lose my patience at times, but don’t we all? However none of these characteristics/traits appear to be present as of late.

His behaviour at home is unacceptable, unmanageable and is having a huge, huge effect on my mental health and I feel like I’m almost at breaking point. Every time he’s home there’s a problem, an argument, a screaming/shouting match (I try not to shout and keep my patience but in all honesty I’m past that point most of the time now).

i have 3 DC including him. He has 2 younger sisters (6 and 2) and his behaviour and the atmosphere he is creating in the house is having a huge impact on them. My 2 year old is copying and replicating his behaviour. Now some may think it’s “cute” and “funny” that my 2 year old appears to have attitude, sass and quite frankly won’t do as she’s told - but i see it as a result of witnessing DS’s behaviour and the atmosphere that she’s surrounded by on a daily basis. It is also impacting my 6 year old.

He has quite a lot of anxiety around general daily life and I know that this is contributing to his behaviour to an extent. I really do try my hardest to help, i try my best to empathise and have understanding and cut him some slack when it’s due. I have self referred to CAMHS to get him support and I have seen the GP with him and now waiting to see a paediatrician for his anxiety. I do feel this adds to his behaviour, but it’s not the only factor.

I know children will demonstrate similar behaviour at this age, but I genuinely feel his behaviour at home is now to the very extreme and I can’t cope with it. My mental health is suffering and it’s having a clear detrimental impact on his two younger sisters.

His dad and I separated when DS was 1. He spends a couple of nights a week at his dads house. Ive tried to discuss his behaviour with his dad throughout the past couple of years since it’s worsened - he used to be quite supportive, but now I feel like he’s not interested in what I have to say.

I don’t feel that his home life is currently healthy and I feel that it would do us both some good if he spent a couple of weeks living at his dads house - to give us all some space and to almost try and “reset/restart”. But I’m worried that a) DS would feel that I’ve rejected him/feels neglected by me and b) a lot of his disrespect and attitude is learnt behaviour from his dad and his dads family - so I feel that sending him there for a prolonged period is only going to make his behaviour worse.

obviously if his dad and I weren’t separated, I wouldn’t have the potential ability to spend some time away from DS and I would just have to suck it up and get on with it. But that’s not our family situation and I feel like I need to utilise the fact that I do have this option.

AIBU to feel that this would be a good idea? Could it do more harm than good to DS? I really do feel that I have to consider the impact on the wider family, not just DS.

I don’t think I can’t fully explain the true extent to how the situation is. But know that I would never consider sending my child to live with another family member, unless it really felt necessary and there was no other choice.

Can you increase the number of days he’s with his dad rather than sending him full time? Just to try to shake things up a bit, get a breather for you and see if you can re-set.

Presumably you are in another relationship if you have a 6 year old and
and a 2 year old?

Are you single? What’s the contact schedule currently?

You may find he prefers it at his dad’s permanently.

Are the two little ones full siblings ? Is there a partner around ?

Where will he go if/when his father gives up on him? Orphanage?

There seems to be a huge omission in this post - the father of your other two children.

Does he live with you? What impact does he have on your Dd - what’s their relationship like?

Maybe having a bit more time with his dad - not full time - would be helpful, or maybe would make it worse.

If he’s the source of the bad behaviour as you say, why would it be in your son’s interests to be there more?

Can you send him for a holiday for a few weeks over the summer so that it isn’t related to the behaviour at all? And during that time make a couple of times when you get childcare for the littlies and pick him up from his dads and take him out just the two of you?
It sounds really basic but I wonder if a couple of positive days where you spend relaxing social times together rather than stressed home life might help turn a corner on your relationship?

So you've got two small kids with a new bloke and you are surprised his behaviour isnt great. Not only that, your solution is to send him away? Jesus. He needs reassurance of his place in the family, not rejection.

I feel sorry for him. Oh and your 2 year old isn't copying his behaviour, it is literally called the Terrible Twos..

Sounds like a really tricky puberty phase. My DS is not dissimilar. You have my sympathies. I would say it would be fine to spend a bit more time with his dad, but don't phrase it like 'because you've been bad'.

So having read it again I see that he’s learned this from dad and his family, so sending him tnere would surely make it worse

To add in response to the questions… sorry, probably should have said in OP…

I do have a new partner who I have been with since DS was 3. DP is the dad of my 2 DD’s - so they are DS’s half siblings.
DS has an okay-ish relationship with DP. Sometimes great, sometimes not so great.

Bingo. It was only a matter of time before someone started bashing OP for having another relationship. He's hardly 'a new bloke' when she has a 6yo with him. If her son's behaviour has been ok up until more recently, what makes you think this is the issue?

Your son will feel rejected and discarded in favour of your partner and your favoured children.

Stepfather, by OP's admission, doesn't have an amazing relationship with her son. So her solution is to jettison the child.

I do feel that this may help to an extent. I do feel like he would benefit from more 1-1 time with me. Hopefully it’d help to refill his cup so to speak. Because I completely get that emotionally it’ll be affecting him, probably just as much as it’s affecting me.

"b) a lot of his disrespect and attitude is learnt behaviour from his dad and his dads family - so I feel that sending him there for a prolonged period is only going to make his behaviour worse."

Tell us more about how his dad used to/ still treats you. Was he abusive?

How does he parent DS when he's there? Does he like going there? Is there a new partner / family?

Yeah... you've made repeated unsupportive comments in that vein. OP is saying that she herself is struggling with her DS. What's your suggested solution?

To parent her child. To look at how the family situation can become safer and more supportive for him, including looking at his relationship with the stepfather SHE chose for him. To not discard him. To be the grown-up.

His dad isn’t a bad person, but there’s a lot of things that I don’t agree with and I don’t agree with his parenting style most of the time, or the way he disrespects the females in his life. He is a good dad to him and does care for DS, but he treats DS more like a “mate” and because he gets away with a lot more at his dad’s, I just feel like him being there more would reinforce the behaviours that I’m trying to reduce.

I know he’ll pick up bad traits from me also though - I know I’m not perfect, but I do try to teach him and guide him in the best way.

Seriously?

You're deluded.

I think you need to love bomb your son to get him to feel wanted and part of the family again. Hopefully his will help improve his behaviour? People act out when they are hurting and scared

Think more info needed like how long have you been with new partner, do they get on? How long was it just you & DS?

I think far too many people underestimate the whole let’s live with a man that’s not your Dad & basically they have to lump it. Then new children arrive & they could feel on the outside of this.

I wouldn’t send him to his his dad’s telling him it’s due to you not coping/his behaviour but suggest an extra day a week which will give you a break & maybe a week in the hols if he agrees.

Without knowing the situation, I would guess that he feels insecure about the whole set up & his life. You’ll be busy with the little ones & I think if you delve deeper, he’s probably feeling a bit lost. Also approaching teen years for him which is difficult.

Stick to firm boundaries, tell him you love him but his behaviour isn’t acceptable but (I mean this in the nicest way) I would suck it up. I think you’ll concrete what he might already have convinced himself of if you ship him off to Dads.

I wouldn’t send him away, the risk of him feeling abandoned is far too high (especially as he has a stepparent and half siblings in the mix).

In fact, more 1:1 time is more likely to be helpful in the long term.Behaviour is communication. You need to get to the bottom of why he is acting out and building a stronger relationship will help with that.

If you feel that your mental health is suffering, speak to your GP. It’s important to look after yourself, but the answer isn’t to send away your child.

Teenagers are hard work. Some harder work than others. He's doing well if he behaves in school and out and about.

Is your "new" bloke getting in your ear about ds?

Have you done a parenting teens course? Read any books on it?

Sending him away to live elsewhere could be really detrimental on him. Sending him for a holiday with dad though might be a good idea.