To send DS to live with his dad?

[7whiteclouds]

DS12’s behaviour at home has been getting progressively worse over the past couple of years, but particularly since starting secondary school. His behaviour out of the home and at school isn’t a problem at all - he’s very academically able, never gets in trouble at school apart from the odd bit of talking when he shouldn’t.

But at home, his behaviour (particularly towards me) is getting out of control. He has no respect for me, his attitude is appalling, his sarcasm is relentless and he argues and shouts until he’s blue in the face. Constantly has to be right, has to have the last word, always tries to give smart answers. But all of this is to the extreme. Our household is currently full of shouting/screaming/crying. It’s not a healthy, happy place and hasn’t been for quite a while.

Now, he’s not a bad kid ordinarily. He does have a good heart and he has been brought up with a lot of advantages and privileges. He doesn’t want for much. I would like to say that I have brought him up to have good morals, attitudes, boundaries, respect, kindness, compassion etc…and I would like to say that I am a good parent. Obviously I have my downfalls and lose my patience at times, but don’t we all? However none of these characteristics/traits appear to be present as of late.

His behaviour at home is unacceptable, unmanageable and is having a huge, huge effect on my mental health and I feel like I’m almost at breaking point. Every time he’s home there’s a problem, an argument, a screaming/shouting match (I try not to shout and keep my patience but in all honesty I’m past that point most of the time now).

i have 3 DC including him. He has 2 younger sisters (6 and 2) and his behaviour and the atmosphere he is creating in the house is having a huge impact on them. My 2 year old is copying and replicating his behaviour. Now some may think it’s “cute” and “funny” that my 2 year old appears to have attitude, sass and quite frankly won’t do as she’s told - but i see it as a result of witnessing DS’s behaviour and the atmosphere that she’s surrounded by on a daily basis. It is also impacting my 6 year old.

He has quite a lot of anxiety around general daily life and I know that this is contributing to his behaviour to an extent. I really do try my hardest to help, i try my best to empathise and have understanding and cut him some slack when it’s due. I have self referred to CAMHS to get him support and I have seen the GP with him and now waiting to see a paediatrician for his anxiety. I do feel this adds to his behaviour, but it’s not the only factor.

I know children will demonstrate similar behaviour at this age, but I genuinely feel his behaviour at home is now to the very extreme and I can’t cope with it. My mental health is suffering and it’s having a clear detrimental impact on his two younger sisters.

His dad and I separated when DS was 1. He spends a couple of nights a week at his dads house. Ive tried to discuss his behaviour with his dad throughout the past couple of years since it’s worsened - he used to be quite supportive, but now I feel like he’s not interested in what I have to say.

I don’t feel that his home life is currently healthy and I feel that it would do us both some good if he spent a couple of weeks living at his dads house - to give us all some space and to almost try and “reset/restart”. But I’m worried that a) DS would feel that I’ve rejected him/feels neglected by me and b) a lot of his disrespect and attitude is learnt behaviour from his dad and his dads family - so I feel that sending him there for a prolonged period is only going to make his behaviour worse.

obviously if his dad and I weren’t separated, I wouldn’t have the potential ability to spend some time away from DS and I would just have to suck it up and get on with it. But that’s not our family situation and I feel like I need to utilise the fact that I do have this option.

AIBU to feel that this would be a good idea? Could it do more harm than good to DS? I really do feel that I have to consider the impact on the wider family, not just DS.

I don’t think I can’t fully explain the true extent to how the situation is. But know that I would never consider sending my child to live with another family member, unless it really felt necessary and there was no other choice.

I completely get this. I want DS to be happy and do what makes him happy and I know that he would ideally prefer to spend more time with his dad…mainly to get away from the current heated situations we find ourselves in. Your point about him spending more time with his dad, resulting in a better relationship as you’re not constantly trying to get to do as his fold sounds like something that might be worth exploring for us.

I just worry as part of his behaviour does stem from his dad. But if it meant DS was happier because of the practical situation, maybe he would be more open to listening to me and respecting me… who knows.

Read your updates about his relationship with your DP which on the surface seems good. I do wonder if he feels on the edge of your family currently? And Like he’s always doing something bad (which I get he is!) but you’re just both going round in circles- he’s hacked off, you’re suffering & you’re both shouting.

I wonder if having a bit more alone time with him, love bombing him as suggested (which you won’t feel like doing) might have better results than him seeing his dad more? Especially with how his dad parents. When you’re having 1:1 time with him & it’s all calm, you could try & have a deeper chat & tell him how upset you’ve been & see if he opens up. I know you’ve said you’d sell it to be nothing to do with his behaviour, I just think he’ll feel rejected.

I agree with @Radiodread that some time alone with your ds might help. I have a grumpy thirteen year old dd who I recently spent a week with, just the two of us, because Dh took ds (her younger db) away for a week. She was a different child. It was calm, peaceful, she did her thing up in her room for a while whilst I got on with my work. Then she’d seek me out, of her own accord, and we’d do stuff together. Not a single argument, pout or impatient word. From either of us. Our relationship definitely benefited.

It's good that SD is calm.

Maybe staying with dad is not a good idea if he is disrespectful to women. Is there something else that can be given up to enable you recovery time? It helps to swap tasks sometimes. (SD chatting to ds and helping with homework)

I sympathize as ds spends time with his dad who is not respectful towards women.

@StarDolphins I was thinking similar. OP has to now split her time between 3 kids. Obviously youngest kids take priority and naturally as the eldest your nose is pushed out (unintentionally).

If practical for us, this would be a wonderful idea. I hadn’t thought of this possibility. Unfortunately though I don’t think it would work for us because of DP’s work. But I can definitely see how this could be beneficial.

To be honest, I’d taken some of your earlier comments as criticisms and judgments/assumptions… but actually, if I’m 100% truthful to myself - this post, I do agree with.

I think some of DSs problems came from his Dad too but when he started staying there full time the Disney dad attitude vanished and schedules were implemented. DS has alarms on his phone from wake up, brush teeth, have breakfast. Uniform organised. No negotiations at all. Just at x time you will do y. I do wonder if that’s where I go wrong by asking the children to do things.

It’s quite nice being the fun parent.

I think that rejecting your dc at such a young age will have a huge negative effect on him. He will likely live with the impact for a long time, maybe the rest of his life.

Boys do tend to need a lot of structure and discipline.

Get yourself and him some family therapy. Work out why he is so unhappy and rectify things. He needs more love, more 1:1, compassion, warmth, hugs. How do these arguments start? What are you arguing about? Can you change your responses? Think how you can behave differently. Start by making a list of all the things you like about him and sharing the list with him.

If you can get dad on board, then making it so that dad invites him to stay for a week or two rather than you "sending him" would be a more positive move.

Definitely try and get some 1-1 time with him - and the best conversations at this age are often either in the car or on a walk, away from distractions and with no need for eye contact. There's something to be said for the hassle of a hobby that involves a half hour drive each way (leaving the younger ones at home), just to get the conversation time each week.

Would his Dad take him for a month over holidays as a break for you all? Frame it as a nice holiday with Dad don't mention his behaviour at all.

@7whiteclouds my son went to live with his father, due to similar reasons to yourself.
I don't have a DP living with me and nor does my ex; but my son's behaviour towards me was making me ill. I also have two daughters but my three have the same father, my son has one older sister and one younger sister. I am the same in that I felt a lot of my son's behaviour is triggered by his father's treatment of me. The behaviour exhibited at my home was impacting my girls. I didn't know what to do. I carried on for months and got so much help from family, friends and outside agencies before accepting defeat
I cried all the time and my mental health was rock bottom.
My son is 10 in a couple of weeks. He is so much better and happier since living with his father. I see him a lot still and even though I can see the benefits to what's happened it still hurts but I know it will never go back to how it was. If my son spends too long with me the horrible behaviour comes out again. He has no respect for me, I don't even think he likes me very much a lot of the time. His father doesn't help the situation sometimes.
It's such a hard situation and it's late so I won't type it all out here but feel free to reply on here or PM me x

Unless it means you couldn’t pay your bills or DP would be made vulnerable at work… i really think he should step up and just take a week’s annual leave. This is really important. You could really fracture yours and your sons relationship if things don’t change. A 12 year old will never be able to compete with a 2 and 6 year old for attention. Throw in a step dad and some shoddy parenting from the ex and his family, by sounds of it, and you’ve got a recipe for disaster.

if he has been referred to a paed for anxiety that must be pretty severe. How sure are you that he doesn’t have any additional needs? To be honest his behaviour sounds quite extreme to me and I have got two the same sort of age plus professional experience of kids around this age bracket.

Hi OP, no criticism intended over here, it sounds tough! You're obviously trying to do your best in a tricky situation.

My kids are small but I parented my 11yo little sister after our mum died and the thing about the early teen years is - it's a make or break time in many people's lives.

In my sister's friendship group is the friend who argued with her mum, hated everyone, 'ran off' with her much older boyfriend, got pregnant, dropped out of school to have the baby, got dumped... And who is now in her early 30s with her own problem teens, with a life full of drama and struggle. She was such a bright sparky girl and now when I see her, she just looks so old.

Similarly the boys who get 'lost' to drugs... then prison... all because of bad choices they made from a place of pain when they were just angry children! Wasted lives.

In your shoes I would not send him away. If it starts a negative spiral at such a vulnerable age, you'd never forgive yourself. Focus on getting some childcare/ holiday clubs for your girls and spend some 121 time with your son, having fun, making memories, reconnecting. Look at his face and remember your cute baby boy and lay the anger/ frustration/ disappointment down for a while.

I hope that you will find each other again and things will improve. I wish you all the best

Do you and your son ever get any one to one time?

Have you actually asked him what he'd like from you? How can you make your relationship better itself etc? He may just tell you outright what the issue is.

Sorry to hear that you are struggling with your son’s behaviour and that of your youngest too.

Do you have Children and Family Well-being Service in your area? It may be worth checking out what they offer in terms of support. For example it may be helpful for yourself to do a parenting course called “Triple P” as this course gives you strategies and tools that may help all of your family in addressing and managing behaviour issues. In addition they may be able to undertake work with your son around his anxiety or any other issues.

Your son is at the age where he is testing boundaries, as is your toddler so can imagine it feels overwhelming. Just hang on in there, you’ve got this.

If he was your DP's son how would you handle him?

There wouldn't be anywhere to send him to...

I completely agree with pp suggesting time with you without his sisters. It's more time you need with your son, not less. If you can facilitate some way to do this, even if it means you taking him away - just for a day trip or an over night break somewhere (camping?!) - so you can reconnect, have fun and talk things through. I would explain to him how his behaviour is effecting you and the family, that it can't continue and agree some punishments for unacceptable behaviour. I understand that you are in contact with CAMHS and that there may be something going on under the surface with him, but it isn't an excuse for him to behave in this way. It might get worse before it gets better with tough sanctions, but if you're consistent and balance it with love and time together it will be worth it in the end.

Idk what your dp does but he’s entitled to unpaid parental leave. Investing now in your ds for his and your whole family’s sake could be far cheaper in the long run.

Tbf if he's disrespectful and then his dad is too... he may learn his place 😂 the disrespectful don't pander to being disrespected 😂 you know the typical hypocrites

You're not actually talking about 'sending him to live with his dad' ie permanently though are you? Spending a couple of weeks with his dad is a bit like respite for both of you when things are so bad at home. Unlikely he'd be permanently damaged by that. Believe me, I understand how important respite can be.

I do however agree with others suggesting that perhaps he needs one to one special time with you. We've spoken to many professionals about our 6yo dd's behaviour as a result of anxiety. We made considerable headway with one to ones with a mental health practitioner who advised that when her behaviour is at its worst it's imperative to increase 'special time' with her. It does work.

Your ds is at a tricky age. He likely has low self esteem if he also suffers from anxiety. I totally understand the toll it takes on your own mental health to be dealing with that level of behaviour, so there's no judgement from me. So even if you do some one to one with him and things don't improve, allowing him to spend some time with his dad (and phrasing it as such) would not be the worst thing in the world.

I think it’s fine, it’s his DAD for good sake, not borstal! Would his dad actually agree though? Do you think your son would want to go live with him?