To send DS to live with his dad?

[7whiteclouds]

DS12’s behaviour at home has been getting progressively worse over the past couple of years, but particularly since starting secondary school. His behaviour out of the home and at school isn’t a problem at all - he’s very academically able, never gets in trouble at school apart from the odd bit of talking when he shouldn’t.

But at home, his behaviour (particularly towards me) is getting out of control. He has no respect for me, his attitude is appalling, his sarcasm is relentless and he argues and shouts until he’s blue in the face. Constantly has to be right, has to have the last word, always tries to give smart answers. But all of this is to the extreme. Our household is currently full of shouting/screaming/crying. It’s not a healthy, happy place and hasn’t been for quite a while.

Now, he’s not a bad kid ordinarily. He does have a good heart and he has been brought up with a lot of advantages and privileges. He doesn’t want for much. I would like to say that I have brought him up to have good morals, attitudes, boundaries, respect, kindness, compassion etc…and I would like to say that I am a good parent. Obviously I have my downfalls and lose my patience at times, but don’t we all? However none of these characteristics/traits appear to be present as of late.

His behaviour at home is unacceptable, unmanageable and is having a huge, huge effect on my mental health and I feel like I’m almost at breaking point. Every time he’s home there’s a problem, an argument, a screaming/shouting match (I try not to shout and keep my patience but in all honesty I’m past that point most of the time now).

i have 3 DC including him. He has 2 younger sisters (6 and 2) and his behaviour and the atmosphere he is creating in the house is having a huge impact on them. My 2 year old is copying and replicating his behaviour. Now some may think it’s “cute” and “funny” that my 2 year old appears to have attitude, sass and quite frankly won’t do as she’s told - but i see it as a result of witnessing DS’s behaviour and the atmosphere that she’s surrounded by on a daily basis. It is also impacting my 6 year old.

He has quite a lot of anxiety around general daily life and I know that this is contributing to his behaviour to an extent. I really do try my hardest to help, i try my best to empathise and have understanding and cut him some slack when it’s due. I have self referred to CAMHS to get him support and I have seen the GP with him and now waiting to see a paediatrician for his anxiety. I do feel this adds to his behaviour, but it’s not the only factor.

I know children will demonstrate similar behaviour at this age, but I genuinely feel his behaviour at home is now to the very extreme and I can’t cope with it. My mental health is suffering and it’s having a clear detrimental impact on his two younger sisters.

His dad and I separated when DS was 1. He spends a couple of nights a week at his dads house. Ive tried to discuss his behaviour with his dad throughout the past couple of years since it’s worsened - he used to be quite supportive, but now I feel like he’s not interested in what I have to say.

I don’t feel that his home life is currently healthy and I feel that it would do us both some good if he spent a couple of weeks living at his dads house - to give us all some space and to almost try and “reset/restart”. But I’m worried that a) DS would feel that I’ve rejected him/feels neglected by me and b) a lot of his disrespect and attitude is learnt behaviour from his dad and his dads family - so I feel that sending him there for a prolonged period is only going to make his behaviour worse.

obviously if his dad and I weren’t separated, I wouldn’t have the potential ability to spend some time away from DS and I would just have to suck it up and get on with it. But that’s not our family situation and I feel like I need to utilise the fact that I do have this option.

AIBU to feel that this would be a good idea? Could it do more harm than good to DS? I really do feel that I have to consider the impact on the wider family, not just DS.

I don’t think I can’t fully explain the true extent to how the situation is. But know that I would never consider sending my child to live with another family member, unless it really felt necessary and there was no other choice.

Not a “new bloke”… a stepdad that he has had since he was 3 and knows no different..

this behaviour hasn’t arisen since DP came into his life and shows no correlation to DP. I get how it’s easy to automatically imply that a “new bloke” is the problem though.

There’s no rejection. I’m asking if it’s okay for some breathing space…to benefit everyone, including DS. To try and start a fresh…reset things, create a new, more energised, positive home environment.

How am I meant to provide DS the emotional support that he needs when I’m mentally and physically broken myself? You can’t pour from an empty cup can you.

why is it okay for his 2 siblings to be impacted and disadvantaged by the behaviour and atmosphere that they are subjected to daily? Why should they not be considered also?

And after 3 children, I know what the terrible 2’s are. With knowing and understanding my DD, this isn’t the case with her in this situation.

She's talking about a couple of weeks for a reset while struggling with her mental health. That is hardly 'discarding' him - he would be with his dad!

What makes you assume that the DD’s are more favoured?

OP, try the book 'get out of my life, but first take me and Alex into town'. We've found it really useful in explaining some of the difficult behaviours around this age.

He’s ‘been ok up until more recently’ because he’s had to be. Why shouldn’t someone bring up the possibility of it being a home life/step dad issue.

But a different partner to their dad living with him & his mum can & does cause emotional upset which can last a lifetime. There’s no getting away from that.

He now has a couple of new sisters that his mum will be really busy with & a step dad he gets on ok with but who knows what he really feels? He hasn’t chosen this situation.

If you send away just one of your children then that child will inevitably feel that the other children, who get to stay, are more favoured.

Thank you. I’ll definitely give this a read. My sympathies to you too - it’s not easy is it! …and people say babies/toddlers are hard - they’re a walk in the park in comparison! 🤣

Be prepared that he might not come back, ever. My DH was “sent off” to live with his dad when he was 14 and he never came back, never talked to her again. She claims he betrayed her, he claims she abandoned him. Good luck.

Awful lot of presumptions here

Yeah, a tantrumming toddler can be picked up and carried off. Can't do that with a sweaty shouty teen.

All he will pick up if you do this is that you are farming him off so you can play new families with your new partner and the girls. Even if that is not your intention.

I obviously wouldn’t term it like that to DS. I would explain how he’s going to spend more time with his dad as it’s the summer holidays/ mini break with dad/ something equally non-abandoning.

My concern in my original post was that I didn’t want DS to feel abandoned so I obviously would do my best to hide the fact that it was to have a bit of a breather and time to be able to try to regroup.

equally of course it would only be one, the other 2 aren’t his dads children.

This is very valid and probably something I needed to remind myself of.

Of course all the behaviour is coming to the fore as he approaches and now enters teen years - this is when the relationships with key male role models will manifest into behaviour. Does your DP treat your son like his own child? If not then of course you will now be having major issues with your son's behaviour. The relationship he has with your DP will be massively impactful. And is your ex respectful towards you? If not of course your son will be reflecting that.

Kids aren't inherently bad - behaviour is always driven by feelings (and the mad cocktail of hormones of adolescence during this period too. You need to work out what's driving this behaviour if you want to fix it. It sounds horrendous for you and your other children but it also sounds bloody miserable for your son. No kid wants to having blazing rows every day, feeling hate towards their mum, knowingly acting shitty etc. He's still the child and you need to help him, for all your sakes. Agree with the PP that some days where the two of you can connect one on one outside the house would be great.

I really recommend doing some reading on the teenage brain and behaviour:

https://www.penguin.co.uk/books/432464/inventing-ourselves-by-sarah-jayne-blakemore/9781784161347

https://www.ahaparenting.com/read/teen-discipline

https://www.janetlansbury.com/2013/07/a-secret-to-handling-conflicts-with-your-kids-from-toddlers-to-teens/

https://yourteenmag.com/family-life/communication/how-to-reconnect-with-teens

You're making an awful lot of assumptions. Your opinion isn't fact. We're all different. And the previous poster didn't raise it as a possibility- she was sticking the boot in.

In a similar sort of situation. My eldest is 12, same level of disrespect, not listening etc lots of arguing with 10yo sibling as they share a room especially at bed time or playing with him and then not sleeping. He has been staying with his Dad for the last academic year. It’s a all very close by so he has dinner wherever his (full) siblings are. Just a bit more one on one time with Dad and a bit more space (own room etc.) It’s been fine and our relationship has improved as I’m not desperately trying to get him to do what he is told.

I don’t think he feels rejected, he appreciates having his own space and joining in when he wants too.

Your heart is in the right place and you're right that sending him to his dad's is unlikely to be a solution.

Getting seen at CAMHS is largely a futile exercise in many areas. Many people working with teens are seeing rejections all the time for children in a worse state than your son.

Have you looked at whether there's any youth work charities or local organisations that support young people with anxiety? They might be able to get your son some support quicker than CAMHS. Your son's school might have school counsellors, learning mentors or pastoral teams who could offer a listening ear if they know what's going on.

If you're struggling yourself and are finding the situation is taking its toll on your mental health, you can self refer to IAPT style services in many areas. You might also want to ask your son's head of year about whether school could support an Early Help referral.

The behaviour is unlikely to have come from nowhere, and another area to consider is his relationship with your DP and also whether he might object to some of your DP's treatment of him/you (I'm not saying this to create an allegation by the way, but sometimes children can pick up on a new partner disrespecting their mother in a way the mother doesn't notice).

Exactly what I thought ! Why are you so disrespectful @FilthyforFirth ? Your post is awful .

Because you're not sending them to live elsewhere 🙄.

To be honest, DP is better with DS than I can be at times. As he’s not always here and doesn’t always witness the behaviour because he’s out working, when he is here and I’ve been dealing with it throughout the day and losing patience (and the will to live), DP comes in with calmness, more understanding and a space/person for DS to discuss the situation with.

Obviously there are times when DP will tell DS off - but that’s quite rare and usually when he can see that DS has majorly overstepped the mark and can see that I’m need of some support - usually if DS has been disrespectful towards me.

Well of course my opinion isn’t fact! But it’s still my opinion & a possibility. Of course, it might be the the OP’s DP treats him like his own, it might be that he doesn’t. Sadly, I’ve only seen the majority of step-dads being surface nice/tolerating & imo, this has a big impact.

DP has been in DS’s life since DS was 3. He knows no different.

I’m equally just as busy with DS as I am the DD’s - rushing him around to football, extra curricular activities etc. Yes younger siblings naturally take a bit more attention, but they would take just as much attention regardless of whether they were full or half siblings.

He hasn’t chosen the situation. But no child chooses any situation that they’re in. And nothing has changed in our home life to cause this more recent behaviour change over the past couple of years.

It is more to do with the transition to secondary school, puberty, his dad’s parenting style, childhood anxieties and an element of siblings taking some attention.

how about your DP takes the girls away for a week and you have loads of fun with your boy? And try to talk to him in a non threatening and non judgmental way about why he seems so unhappy. I think sending him away is going to make things worse to be honest. It doesn’t matter how you couch or present it, he will be absolutely clear what is going on.

I really appreciate all of this, thank you.

Tough one. Does he behave like this at his dad's? Does he go to his dad's on a weekend? What about other family members?
Does DS do any type of hobby on a weekend?

I know it's difficult OP but would his dad actually step up full time? I'm sorry but I don't think I could do it if it was my son from how you have described his dad.