AIBU to expect DH to think for himself?

[KateKateLee]

Over the weekend there was a village fete type thing on. I went early to help set up a stall. DH was supposed to bring DD along later for a slot on the stall. I’d said she needed to be in uniform. It was a warm over cast day getting sunny later, when DH dropped DD off, she had nothing with her. I asked where her hat, water bottle and sun cream were. His response how could I possibly have known she needed them? Well every time anything with kids is outdoors in summer those 3 items are usually required. AIBU to expect DH to know what the kids need with them on a summer day? He could have asked DD for the letter or messaged me. As usual he copped out.

It's deliberate and designed to ensure you don't ask him again.

If your DD is to handle money and take a spot on the stall I imagine that she is over eight and should be packing her own hat, drink and sunscreen and putting on her shoes like she would to go to school or out to play in the back yard.
Perhaps your husband assumed she was as competant as she is when off to school each morning.

If it was my DH, I’d be answering “How was I supposed to know this?” When his laundry needed doing, when we were out of wine, his favourite treats or dog food or when he was sitting at the table waiting for dinner. In fact, I might have done that a few times in our life together. Lazy brain drives me nuts. I can see you’re divorcing, so please ensure you’re not “doing” the things for him anymore.

“Have you got evidence you need? Hat, sunblock, water bottle?” - this is how you teach a kid to become responsible for themselves.

And it’s the adult’s responsibility, in this case, the dad, to have done so.

That he didn’t is wholly his failing, and then tried to blame someone else for his screw up. I’ll never understand how it’s easier to twist things around than simply say, “Crap. I screwed up. Be right back.” Which is ALSO teaching the kid how to handle mistakes appropriately, vs blaming everyone else.

It’s not the initial forgetting I’d be angry about. It’d be the lack of maturity and personal responsibility to blame others that would tick me off.

Ugh. Everything you need, not evidence. Autocorrect is drunk.

Well, he will just learn the hard way, like we did as mums at some early point in our parenting journeys.

If you do all the childcare, it's hardly likely that he will think about these things.

I don't pay the bills, mow the lawn, change the lightbulbs, take the u-bend off to unblock the sinks or check the oil in the cars. Haven't done in nearly 20 years. I wouldn't expect to get it right first time if I did have to do it unexpectedly.

It's called division of labour.

If anyone does things deliberately badly in our house they got more practice at it. People don't usually pull this shit more than once.

‘Women’ would be annoying? Are you a man then?

Everyone forgets once in a while... I've done it, so the children have spare Suncream in their bags all the time in the summer. But to not even know they need those basic things is ridiculous... my husband can be better than me and goes through a mental checklist which changes with the seasons... incuding needing a coat and Suncream and a hat 🙈

Hey my DH needs reminding of this for himself!

He was redoing the patio in the scorching heat last week. I kept telling him to put on a hat/sun cream as he has a bald patch but did he do it? No. Then complaining in the evening that he was sore - he was like a lobster! Then said I should have come and rubbed cream on him.🙄

He is always like this - I can’t trust him to think for our DD at all. I always say at home he switches his brain off.

"Make sure he has the letter" - anything school related tell him that he needs to contact school to be down to receive ALL communication from them as well as you now that you are separated.

It's not the job to save him from his sloppy actions now you're separating. He'll have to learn quickly enough. He's had you covering his lazy arse too long. Let him flounder.

It's not your job*

Of course he should know. He is a grown man. But like a lot of other men sounds like he can pretend it’s ok as it’s the mother who usually does all these things. Winds me up, my children’s dad is the same and I find it pathetic.

When you go to an activity and are told what to bring with you, you bring it with you. The letter stated wear uniform and bring a water bottle, hat and sun cream. So that's what you bring, it causes all sorts of problems when kids turn up without something they are supposed to have. It's not just that I don't like him.

There was no handling of money. DD is 9, but her Dad should at least check that she has what she should with her. She isn't entirely responsible.

It was the how on earth was I supposed to know this that annoyed me. If he'd have just said sorry, I wouldn't have minded.

Love your user name 😊

He has form for forgetting and the kids getting sunburned and dehydrated. That doesn't help.

I made sure a long while ago he got all the communication from school. Then when he asks anything, I just say you get all the same emails I do. This was Brownies though, I should have left the letter for him.

I would but it's the kids who suffer. He took them on holiday a little while ago. DD has eczema. He took them open water swimming a few times, but didn't get them to shower afterwards. DD's eczema got infected and it was awful for her. Then he didn't think she needed the doctor so muggings here had to take her. I really worry about what will happen to them when it's just him and them.

Share your pain, similar boat here.

Oh dear. YANBU. So hard for some men to do the basics isn't it? I hope he went home and then came back with what was needed.

That’s exactly what would’ve sent me over the edge too

I would have sent him home to get the stuff he forgot. If he is responsible for the consequences he is more likely to remember stuff.

Or gone home myself, leaving him with the kids