AIBU for being upset for my child not being in the same class for Reception as his other friends from Pre-school?

[belxbel]

And... he's the ODD ONE OUT. There's 9 children from the pre-school joining the school for Reception this September, and my son is the ONLY ONE that being placed to a different class. I know I know he can make new friends, and the still can play together at break times... But my child also autistic, that we are so looking forward for Reception in September as the teachers, school admins, and SEND team had shown great support.

There's many collaborations and interaction between the Pre-school and School, so it's very unlikely they didn't know my child IS in the pre-school with with other 8 children. Plus, we are a close group of parents, that has got constant playdates, and small birthday parties together.

I have approached the school, and as expected I got a very official, corporate, PC speech. That they do the split based on MANY CONSIDERATIONS, and there are even twins that's not in the same class etc etc.

I know there's no chance I able to get switched, as all confirmations had sent out and everyone already have placed in one class. I still can't help to feel upset and to think this is too deliberate (but why?). 😢

This kind of thing upsets parents a lot more than children. Your son will be fine.

Maybe the preschool teacher suggested he go in the other class. Maybe one class will be smaller or the mix of children will mean better SEN support etc.

Often teachers see a different side of preschool friendships than parents do. Parents want x & y to be in the same class because they are such great friends, but actually they are not a good combination, bring out the worst in each other, one child dominates the other etc.

But my child also autistic, that we are so looking forward for Reception in September as the teachers, school admins, and SEND team had shown great support.

Focus on this.

Its a two class entry so a lot of children to juggle.

They’re a supportive school and they’ve placed your DS where they think he’ll do best.

Try not to be upset.
There will have been careful consideration given to classes and places. As the first poster says, friends together in classrooms don't always make for good learners! Plus your DS may be with staff better able to support him.
Put a smile on, tell your DD not to worry, he'll still see his friends at breaks and get to meet new kids in his class. It's not a disaster.

I understand your upset, this has happened to both my sons a couple of times. My children have SEND and often the biggest consideration is the support my children will get, so they might not be with their friends but they’ve put them with a teacher who really understands my childs needs or there may be another child with similar needs and they can share a TA. It may be there are some friend issues that you aren’t aware of.
Try not to worry, he’s only young and I’m sure he’ll do just fine. In my experience, even when I haven’t been happy with class assignment, it has always worked out well.

I get what others are saying about friendship combinations but they could have put him with a few of them if there are 9 that he knows from nursery. It seems very unusual to put 8 in one class and 1 on their own.

That being said, this time next year he'll be settled with lots of new friends I'm sure. The parents definitely worry more than the children. My DC are teens now and they can't even remember which children they went to nursery with!

My kids are / were at a school with 3 classes per year and are mixed up each year so I’ve seen a lot of class allocations / mix arounds. (On Wednesday I think it will be number 14.)

What I’ve figured out from observing / listening is that SEN are prioritised far higher than friendships. So your ds will have been put with Miss Smith for a reason. Either Miss Smith is experienced with autism or because there is another higher needs child who was put with Miss Jones for a reason and they want to balance them to ensure that there is enough time / resources for both children.

Every time there will be some parents / kids who are upset and some parents go into school and try and get things changed. I have only once seen a change.

I guess what I am saying is that your son will have been allocated to his class / teacher early on in the process so it will be the right one for him. It is a shame that he isn’t with his friends but things change fast in reception and he will quickly make new friends.

Honestly, friendships/familiarity are probably not high on the list of things they are focussed on.

It can be:

• grouping summer borns in one class to allow the teacher to respond to what they are ready for developmentally, especially at first
• matching up TA availability with children who need support eg for SEN
• considering best staff. If you've got a teacher who's more experienced teaching children with autism it makes sense to use that expertise

He will be fine, plenty of children start school not knowing any other children. If you know the school is decent I'd trust their decision.

My son was the only child at his nursery not to get a place in reception. It terrified me and I appealed (and lost) so he had to start Reception in a brand new school where he didn't know a soul. He is diagnosed ASD/ADHD. I can tell you he thrived and flourished. SEN support was far better I came to realise and he had a very happy primary education. Try and focus on the good support and know that he will find other little people to spend time with. I honestly got myself into such a panic and it was totally unnecessary.

He’ll have been placed in that class for a reason. I suspect it will be because the teacher / TA will be the ones best placed on the staff to support him. Also does he recurve funding? That can make a difference my ds2 is currently in reception he has ASD (and other things) he’s got 1:1 funding and there are other children in the same class with funding. Their placement was also due to how best to make sure the 1:1 funding is utilised for all students who need it.

although I can understand why your upset especially as you’re in a friendship group with the other parents I think you’ll soon recognise the advantages of your son having the best support he’ll need over being with his friends from pre school. Just to add that in primary even the strongest pre school friendships change so there was no guarantees that your son and his friends would stay as close.

I think we as parents get more upset about this than the children, however I do get it.
if your child is SEN then likely the class will have been split with this in mind, that he’s going to a class with specially trained staff and maybe even extra staff on hand, while the other class does not.

Surprising not one of them has made the class, but that can happen.

i am sure he will love it !

They probably found that putting him in the best class to suit his needs trumped putting him with children he knew from pre school. They will have been more focused on the adults working with him than on the children (their personalities/friendships I mean as opposed to their needs, they will be trying to balance specific needs within classes)

I think YABU because at that stage children are not usually super attached to prior friendships and will be making more at school. If the school have been responsive to his needs I would trust them. You can continue play dates etc to maintain his relationships with the others and they can play at break, lunch and if there is whole year freeflow time. It might be good for him to be able to process and compartmentalise learning time and playing time as he gets used to school and its routines. The friends that he associates with playing he sees when it's playtime. When he's on the carpet away from them it's listening and thinking time.

Very unreasonable. At this age they should be exposed to lots of different children, and they will make friends quickly. 'Besties' at age 4 is just ridiculous.

Same happened to dd. Similar response from head teacher.
It all worked out fine, but perhaps friendships were a bit slower to develop. She is end of year 2 now and very sad to be mixed for next year I.e. classes mixed.

IME if you play it down, it won't be a big deal, if you get upset, DC will too.
Admittedly only experience with NT DCs of my own.

I think you have to ask this question to SEN parents.

Some good points have been raised but familiarity and consistency is key to an autistic child thriving in a mainstream school.

Unlike their neurotypical peers, autistic children can struggle with relationships. Obviously each autistic child is different. But I know that to be true of my two autistic children and their ND peers. Firstly, it is a change from nursery to school and now they have to watch their friends skip into one class while they go to another. While some NT children are more adaptable and can make friends, it’s not always the case for ND children.

While I understand other issues are at play, i am confused why 8/9 children were placed in one class and your child placed in another. They could have invited 2 or 3 of your child’s friends to join the other class with your child. Also if the child was placed in another class due to specialist staff then why did the head not explain this?

I’m afraid the fight for your child to thrive at school as a SEN parent starts now. Familiarise yourself with the Equality Act and the SEND code of conduct. They will be your friends and don’t be afraid to advocate for your child’s needs quoting legislation when. needed.

Your instincts are telling you this will not work for your child. As a SEN parent, follow your instincts. Also check out Dr Naomi Fisher.

Join as many SEN/ autistic groups as you can and ask for advice there. Contact IASS/ SENDIASS and SOS!SEN. Join SEND Family instincts. If something doesn’t feel right, it probably isn’t. YANBU.

This happened to my oldest, I challenged it and the feedback was that they were very reliant on their friends in nursery and thought they would thrive better separated. I was really upset but took the view that nursery saw what I didn't and they had rationalised and really considered the decision. I hate to say it but they were right, the break from the outgoing, older and louder children was the best thing. They have remained friends but in the class he is more confident and does his own thing rather than following others around.

I would feel the same in your situation. For your child to be singled out to be separated from the children he knows seems unfair. When my son started school with 10 from his nursery they put 5 in one class and 5 in another but when my daughter started they out 8 in one class and 2 in another.

However, I do think there will be a reason and it may be to better support your son. It’s a shame that they wouldn’t explain the reason to you to put your mind at rest though.

It would be better for the school to give you an outright reason, rather than a generic email imo.

I'm worried for my child who has been in a mixed class this year and made close friendships with children in a different year group. He will miss them from September. I'm sure the school have reasons but it's not always obvious why!

I remember crying over my son being split from all his friends going into year 3. He was unfazed, still best friends with his two besties from the previous class with two new best friends in his new class. My son went to a school on the opposite side of town to his nursery and knew no one in his class. Schools tend to know what they're doing, I would go with it.

This happened to my Ds2 but school had said they would ensure that each child was in a class with someone they knew from nursery - and then mine was the odd one out. I phoned and explained - and he was moved into a class with a couple from his nursery. In our case the school didn’t follow their own policy so it was sorted out quickly- not sure what you can do if that’s not the case.

This happened to my child in reception and, whilst I felt sad at the time, it did him the world of good.

He didn’t find it easy to make friends at that age- usually just playing alongside other kids but putting him in a completely new environment helped encourage him to open up.

Sorry to be the one to suggest this, but is there a possibility that his friends' parents have requested that their child not be with your son next year? It is cruel if true, but it does happen, particularly where autism is a factor. I'm a primary school teacher and often get requests like this from parents, which I try to ignore unless I can see that there is an actual benefit in separating the children.

As many have said above it may be that the teacher/ TA support and experience will be better in the class they have assigned him.
It is tricky when they start reception, and parents feel it more than the children, after a week or so he will have settled and made new friends.

When my DC started school we had just moved and he didn’t know a single other child, after a few short days he was already asking if ‘friends’ can come over to play.

I would be careful that you are not showing your disappointment to your DS, he doesn’t need to know that you are upset about it all, starting school is a milestone, but focus on the positives with him.

Also, just to prepare, in my DC school they swapped around the year groups every year, from reception to year 4 and every year parents complained, but the school had a very clear policy to do this, and they were all ok.

All 8 of them?

I'd expect that the group be split between classes to encourage other friendships, not all kept together, but not one child alone.