AIBU for being upset for my child not being in the same class for Reception as his other friends from Pre-school?

[belxbel]

And... he's the ODD ONE OUT. There's 9 children from the pre-school joining the school for Reception this September, and my son is the ONLY ONE that being placed to a different class. I know I know he can make new friends, and the still can play together at break times... But my child also autistic, that we are so looking forward for Reception in September as the teachers, school admins, and SEND team had shown great support.

There's many collaborations and interaction between the Pre-school and School, so it's very unlikely they didn't know my child IS in the pre-school with with other 8 children. Plus, we are a close group of parents, that has got constant playdates, and small birthday parties together.

I have approached the school, and as expected I got a very official, corporate, PC speech. That they do the split based on MANY CONSIDERATIONS, and there are even twins that's not in the same class etc etc.

I know there's no chance I able to get switched, as all confirmations had sent out and everyone already have placed in one class. I still can't help to feel upset and to think this is too deliberate (but why?). 😢

I totally understand your why?.i also get your upset\frustration and already heightened nerves\emotions re new beginings for your child. "he'll be fine" Is...not actually helpful,or useful,far less guaranteed.
Neither is this situation being any sorta big deal-for your child. Consider-you do not miss what you never had.Hes gonna be (pre)occupied with school.unlikely at that age to compare his experience to that of his peers(previous or current)Whilst,its part of your role-you are looking at it as an adult.
Build him up,talk him through a school day..in the summer hols i implemented a dog walk to school gate,then playground,then door that be used,get the basics as a new "normality".

Not a SEN parent, but former teacher and these were my thoughts. They need to consider your child’s social needs as much as his learning needs.

I've never known as many as 8 to do it, but I have known groups of 3 parents (friends) to all request their children be moved away from a particular child.

I second this! I especially agree with the fight for your child to thrive at school. It’s very common to be dismissed ime.

What I think may be helpful is to ring and ask for a meeting just to discuss this or a phone call. It may be that the teacher in the other class has more experience and can help your child more. Maybe they thought a fresh start would help. But if you speak with them you can air your concerns and listen to their reasoning and go from there. It could be they have thought this out and a simple explanation would help. I don't think your being unreasonable and it does come off as odd and slightly not nice for him to be the only one. But just to offer some light my daughter knew no one in her reception class and now has close friends and bonds she's taking in to year one :)
Perhaps see how the first term goes?

The fact he's autistic means they would have considered him. Is there any chance the nursery teacher suggested he have a fresh start in a new class ?

My child was also alone in a class when everyone else from nursery was in other classes. I was so sad for her not knowing anyone when I dropped her off, however by pick up she was so smiley and had made friends during her first day. I think it’s so much worse for us than it is them.

"Plus, we are a close group of parents, that has got constant playdates, and small birthday parties together."

That's not really an argument is it?

Your child has been placed in a class for a reason - probably related to his SEN.

My SEN was separated from friends on numerous occasions throughout school as they mix it up regularly - they have been fine and made friends throughout.

Their friends now will not be their closest friends throughout school. It's often very fluid. I think you need to get over it.

I would feel upset too. My kids don’t have SEN but one is more fragile and would have struggled with this imbalance at that age. With them all going to the other class, it feels ‘personal’. Shame school didn’t give you the reason.

But others have given good advice here and I hope it turns out ok.

I see this happen so many times throughout school and it always seems to be the parents that are upset, hardly ever the kids. If the child is upset, they seem to get over it pretty quickly.

In my child's school, they mixed their classes when they went up to year 1, my son wasn't with his best friend, me and the other kids mum were gutted for them, they were not bothered, they never got to be in the same class again, go to different high schools but are still the best of friends.

To the posters saying they need to think of the child's social needs aswell learning requirements, I totally get this, I have a child with severe social anxiety who works better with familiarity but they also have to think of the other children too.

If a child ends up becoming too reliant on another child, it can be upsetting for the child concerned, a friend of mine had this with her daughter and I saw the impact it had on her, she was crying everyday after school, didn't want to go to school because the girl only wanted to play with her and didn't want her to play with anyone else. When they did the class mix up, my friend spoke to the teachers to ask them to be split. They did do it and the other mum was seen playing hummer with the teachers for splitting them up. Not saying this is the case for the OP but there can be many reasons they do what they do.

I feel for teachers, I really do and they really deserve that pay rise, I am not a teacher by the way!

YANBU

Why would the school leave your child socially exposed like this at the start of a new school when there is already huge amount of change? I can't imagine he has problematic or codependent relationships with each of the other eight boys so having a few of his friends in his class would have given him some security at the start of the year and a great position to branch out and make new friends.

Situations like this really make me hate systems where the children are mixed each year, especially as the children get older. It disrupts friendships and some kids quite frankly don't have the social skills or inclination to keep starting again with friendships each year.

YANBU
I would be in to the school and ask them if there is a reason. Same thing happened to my dd- 6 from her nursery,5 in one class and her in another. I called and asked if this could be changed and they moved her straight away to be with her friends. There was no reason, it’s not carefully thought out for every child.
Once you know the reason you can at least see the benefits. They also might still move them if there’s space.

You are not being unreasonable to be upset. It does on the surface seem weird and counter intuitive to have split a child that struggles socially from his friends. Go back and explain to the school you don't understand why they did this and it has eroded trust somewhat, but you understand that they probably have a good reason for it. If someone who actually made the decision could explain it to you properly that would be helpful. It is likely that the support in the other class is better.

This.

Predictably, there are lots of YABU responses (probably mostly from parents of NT children). However, most autistic children struggle hugely with transitions, change and relationships.
I know that my child (who is awaiting assessment for ASD and ADHD) would find it much easier starting school if he already knew some of the children in his class.
I've been trying to sort out holiday clubs and it's an absolute nightmare because he refuses to go and can only be persuaded if a friend is also going. But of course it's impossible to coordinate all the days we need.

Look up / contact the organisations mentioned in this post. Remind the school about their duty to make reasonable adjustments. Why on Earth couldn't they split up the preschool children across the two classes?!

similar thing happened to my DD. She also struggled with friendships etc. Her one friend ( and others) were in the other class and we knew no one going to her class When we got the notice through my husband asked if we should appeal. I said no, we won’t make a big deal out of it with either her or the school.

It turned out so much better for her. Firstly her me class was an absolute delight and the other class was a disaster. Multiple pupils leaving, teachers leaving the profession after teaching them etc. It had a terrible reputation and they had to get a lot of help. Also the one friend moved house after a year, so we never saw her again. If we had argued for her to move classes, we would have ended up in a nightmare, so glad we didn’t!

This happened to one of mine last year. It has been THE WORST year at primary for them. It has ruined our relationship with the school and as a consequence, all DC are starting somewhere new in September. Older child, seen as easy going, gets on with anyone… But to be split up from every single one of your friends, and the teachers to know this and do nothing, is simply awful. I’d go with your gut. Wish I’d moved mine sooner.

Maybe the other children and their parents have their own thing going on with what they are doing so may be happy with the class choice themselves?

No i think this is a deliberate plan against your child, I presume schools are too busy to have conspiracy against parents and kids they have not taught before?

Maybe the class teacher has more experience with SEN. I’ve been working in an affluent primary this term in reception and it’s quite astonishing how many of the new intake have SEN, EHCPs or awaiting EHCPs. 9 in 30 for one class is just huge so you can be assured this decision will be in your sons best interests and there will be other children who also have SEN that they need to consider.

as the teachers, school admins, and SEND team had shown great support.

they sound like they are trying to do everything in the best interest of the child, isn't that what really matters?

They all make new friends in reception, it really is not an issue.

The school cannot give you the reasons why they allocate the children to a class, other children issues are of course confidential.

If they have to mix the classes again, they will have reasons. It's frustrating as a parent, but they have the whole class to consider.

I was thinking about this possibility as soon as I read the post. It would be terribly hard for the other parents to admit this to the op but I think maybe some if the parents have said their child really needs a break from this situation and that may have influenced the setting. Obvs we on here can't know as we are not that school's sendco, Head, or reception teacher, and we also don't know how the op's child's nd manifests itself. I also like the suggestion made in another response, that the child may have come to rely on his pals too much and will flourish better with a fresh start. Fwiw I'm also in agreement with all those comments saying you will be more upset by this than the child, and that the school will have considered this carefully.

I thought they generally tried not to put twins in the same class! They’re probably trying to balance out the kids with higher needs across the classes, or match them with more experienced teachers. It’s disappointing but I would trust they know what they’re doing.

Can confirm as a head of year I used to get these kind of requests. It was really difficult when one child or parent requested that child be with a particular child they considered their friend, and the other child/parent requested that they be kept apart.

I would go through SENDCO on this. Ask her if she's aware of what's happened, him being separated from the familiarity of those he knows and tell her you're a bit concerned about it. Ask if she was involved in decision and what her reasoning is, or what she thinks would be best for your DC, how it would be best to help him with this. It may be that she had absolutely no idea in the decision, or she may have been part of discussions and decided this will work best for him. It also means you're not getting on wrong side of the class teacher. I think keep SENCO fighting your DC corner and keep her onside. Just ask open questions to see if they have thought it through.

With the best will in the world, I struggle to see how it’s ok to put one child alone in a class, and the eight others in a different class, SEN or no SEN. It makes no sense statistically and feels deliberate. Presumably nobody wants to be intentionally unkind to the child, so there must be another rationale somewhere.

I think a lot of the responses here are overly trusting of the school. The argument seems to be that the school knows best, they've thoroughly considered your child's needs equally to the other children, and that it will work out ok in the end. That doesn't always happen. Not all head teachers are fair. Sometimes there is prejudice against children with special needs, or the child's needs as a social person are considered irrelevant. People are making the assumption that there may be problems in his friendships that you don't know about, even though he's been invited to birthday parties and playdates with that group of children. In other words, the conclusion that there must have been some problem for him in that social group, goes AGAINST the evidence.

It stands out in your post that ALL the other children in your child's class were placed in the other class and your child is the ONLY child who is expected to develop an entirely new social group from scratch in his first year. If it's good for children to develop a new social group, why aren't the other children being asked to do that? If it's good for children to enter school with no one they know, why aren't the other children being asked to do that? How will it feel for your child to see ALL the other children from his preschool class continue their friendships with each other, while he is on the outside? What is the likelihood that those good friendships he had from preschool will be replicated by new friendships in a totally different group of kids in his new situation? It's very common for children with autism to be excluded from friendships. He had a group that was cohesive and happy and the others all get to keep that and it's taken away only from him? Hmm.

In reality, the likelihood you can change this is low, because everyone knows their class assignment already. So if you pursue it too strongly, there is a risk you could destroy your relationship with the school, without improving his class assignment. So I would not push overly hard on it. Instead, I would query it with the school, focusing on your concerns that he will experience extra stress from being excluded from a group where all the others get to retain their preschool friends, and that he has extra challenges socially with his autism that may make it difficult for him to recreate friendships in the stressful context of a new school. In other words, disclose that it's a concern to you, see if you can get things improved, but be understanding that they have the needs of many children to balance.

But if, in a couple years, there's another situation where the school has to make a choice between disrupting your child's social environment or keeping it intact, THEN I think you bring this up and say, "look, I was very reasonable when you separated him from all 8 of his friends and kept all the rest of them together. It was very stressful for him and really dealt a blow to his self-esteem. He has worked very hard to rebuild his social group and now he is in a good place. I don't think it would be fair to separate him from his friends again."

You have to look at the big picture and understand the school has to balance many needs but it doesn't mean you have to agree with everything they do. You still get to advocate for your child. You just have to be judicious about it.